Winds Are Blowing

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives.  With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all.  So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

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Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are.  Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me.  I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him.  I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do.  As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour. ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

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Isolation Stops Here

63BADBC8-34A8-4B71-83EB-6A330D5AE5DDWhile being alone at times can be helpful in order to get re-charged, spend time with God, which is all normal but other times it can be detrimental.

Years ago, after several family estate issues I tended to and lies were said about me to many, I begin to believe the hurtful lies and question my own worth.  You can believe that the enemy took hold real quick.  I avoided life itself, a prison within my own home and within myself.  I was dying and actually that would have been a relief.  Satan wants nothing more than to kill, steal and destroy.  I knew that but no energy to fight.

I had a choice, to live or to die.  I’m still here!  It has not been easy and heartache and pain still hits.  I know the ones that are still lying and saying things about me to those that will listen.  I cannot control those situations.  Some thrive on drama and such.  Know them by their fruits, forgive and move on.  The Lord said He would fight my battles.  I have to trust Him.

Dealing with a situation recently, I wanted to crawl back into the dark pit of despair of isolation.  To not trust anyone, feeling sadness, anger, depression, etc.

While I canceled one social event because of being emotionally overwhelmed, I had another event today.  I came very close, a couple of times to do the same, but I pushed through.81519706-EA83-4A56-942B-4F914147BAA2

I never want isolation to control me ever again causing rejection, inferiority and every other evil plot that Satan can throw at me.

I have worked too long and hard through the last four years to drop back down to the depths of despair.35FFCE95-2B34-42F7-A7B8-5CE71FB049A8

Plus, I love the fact that even through this pull to remain within my four walls, the Lord has been gracious enough to open up His Word to me, reading various writings of exactly what I am dealing with, as if they were written just for me, which increased my faith and to remind me of His Love for me.  That’s God.

Push through the lies, push through the despair within and draw close to the Lord.  You may feel dead within and walking blindly.  Through the anguish, if all you can say is Jesus, He understands you and He knows.

(Personalize the following)9F84ED27-50EB-4647-A778-6CE4A1A3BD90

He knows your (my) name.

He knows where you are (I am).

He loves you (me).

Change on a Dime

Funny how things can change on a dime, as they say.  This day was going so well.  The sun was shining, my list of things to do being crossed off and everything was lining up and running like clockwork.  I was happy and ready to have some fun with a few days off work.

In a few short hours, it was the day I dreaded.  Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave.  Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.

63B8434B-7309-49F6-913D-9DEEB59C1111I knew one day that this was a possibility but never hoping it would.  I had to pick up a prescription on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life.  Flip flop from sadness to anger and back again.

Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks.  No movie, no dinner, no interest anymore. Done.

So many questions, so many loose ends but…177F9360-1487-40FC-A06B-EC6F46CC93A8

Am I Right to Write?

34961F5B-2FF8-4A57-82A1-C06BD85311C0Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence.  After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted.  Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion.  I miss talking to her.
While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that.  The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to.  The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant.  I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time.  Today included.
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There is a risk of being hurt.  Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her.  Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read.  I never want to bother anybody.  Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him.  I won’t.
It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing.  If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good.  Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth.  Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right?  It comes down to fear, yet again in me.  E5461E46-3B27-4E72-9142-058106A065C9
Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt.  I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie.  She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself.  Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing.  Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this.  Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning.  Still, tears will fall.  A part of my life is gone.  Will it return and will it ever be the same?  Probably not.
Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome?  Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.
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No Attendance?

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Have you ever signed up for something and later regret?  Partly, wanting to slap yourself for being so willing.

Even though in this case, I feel this was a huge step for me to make myself vulnerable and be a willing vessel.   Still, there is anxiousness within.

I signed up to hold a once a week, eight-week class. These are volunteer classes of topics that we feel comfortable sharing.  I have been through so much and I am here today so I feel I can share and encourage others to put their faith in the Lord.  Just knowing that you are not alone, going through something, can bring life and hope.

Honestly, part of me does not want people to sign up.  I’m scared. If just making myself open to do this class, is enough for me.  This was a big step for me.  I put my feet in the water as they say, to 1A922A6E-CDE3-4204-9F26-1033AC70F410test.  If this all comes about and people do sign up and show up, it will be the Lord leading and directing because I am nothing.  I am here because of Him.

To back out of, which I have tried and wanted to do many times, I did not feel like I should.  A step of faith for sure.

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Not Enough Time

57e83d13-cfc3-41b8-b85f-5ffb29908cb1It never fails, the moment I get all snuggled in my bed for a long winter’s nap, my mind wakes up with creativity.  As I lay contemplating whether to get up to jot my thoughts down, I usually continue to remain comfortable and tell myself that I will remember.  Who am I kidding?  At my age, my remembrance does not stay intact as it once did.

If only I could stay awake and remain creative, continue to listen to podcasts that are of great interest, read the books sitting on my side table, visit a few dear friends that never seem to happen, and the list goes on.  There is just not enough time to get things done plus stop and decompress from the work day whether in the office, cleaning the house, church activities.

Make it stop!  I want to do all of those things.  One day turns into the next very quickly.21ad043a-9155-459f-acab-dd087fb7b087

The days are disappearing so fast and I feel I will not get everything done before I die.  I know it just won’t matter then but today, it does.  Do you ever feel this way?  1c54e90c-be56-48af-a3bd-05dfe84ad2b4

But I Need You!

3b2a2c9b-5a9c-4756-b357-116c86fc96a3Today.  I need you!  Actually, that is a daily cry from my heart.  You left me.

Reflecting back and still in my mental routine of going to a counseling session each Monday, for the past four years, I grieve because it’s over.  I grieve but I do find anger in the midst while yet I do understand.  Anger at her and anger at God.  Thankfully, I recognize what it is and probably normal to experience.  Both probably know that this is of no surprise.

The abandoment issues within me rears it’s ugly head to bring the  sadness over it all and memories.  Then to read an article on fear of abandonment and the recommendation was to consult with a therapist/counselor.  Seriously?  That’s the reason I feel it.  So now what?  I wanted to laugh and to cry.  Just to discuss all of this with my counselor would be so nice.  My heart cries out, I need you.

There are so many things in front of me right now that brings anxiousness within, as I feel so overwhelmed.  Stumbling around it feels, like with my hands outstretched, as in a blind person.  Help me.  I need you.

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Even though these thoughts, feelings and emotions seem to overtake me, just for a bit, I have no doubt that the Lord feels the same.  Whether it be me, you or others.   His cry, too, is ‘I need you.’

I need you to come to Me.  I need you to tell Me your fears, thoughts, etc.  I need you to trust Me.  I will help you.

He’s there all the time and even though I go through grieving periods, He knows that of me, He knows me so well, but is ever so sweet and He gently reminds me, I need you to come to Me.

I get it!  I need You, Lord Jesus.

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