It’s Not About the Leaf

Fall is probably my favorite season. The beauty all around with leaves changing colors on various trees with the different shades. As I was driving to work the other day, there was this one tree, it was so bright and bursting with red and yellow leaves. I was so in awe that I remember saying that it was the prettiest tree ever. Further down the road almost to work, I look over and see another tree and I say again, that is the prettiest tree ever. I laughed at myself because of this pattern that would, of course, continue. Trees are wonderful to admire and get lost in not only the beauty but pleasant thoughts that provide a break of tasks ahead or problems or issues in our lives.


My husband dislikes leaves on the grass. One tree is always late losing its leaves and I swear, he’d be happy to shake the daylights out of it to finish and be done before winter. Maybe it is me that needs to shake it (or him), to stop listening to his moans of frustration.

I found myself yesterday when arriving home from work, looking over and staring at our neighbors’s maple tree. The golden orange was so vivid as the sun was on the tree and the leaves on the ground, like a reflection. Just so pretty. Knowing full well that all these pretty leaves will need to be raked and bagged. It’s a chore but it’s a fun chore.


Growing up in the house we live in, our one-acre lot behind us is plentiful with trees, which brings a lot of leaves. My favorite memory of the back yard is when it was completely covered with the golden yellow leaves, as in our neighbor’s yard. I like to enjoy this sight for at least a few days, looking out of my kitchen window, but it never happens nowadays. I am so glad I took in that sight to remember when I did, years ago.


The leaves also tend to make it inside the house, tracked in on the shoes or perhaps fly in when the door is open. A leaf here a leaf there, no problem. It is when this leaf is just overlooked and just sits there. He has no thought of picking it up and throw outside or in the garbage. Now I am starting to dislike the leaves, as I pick it up and throw out, only to repeat often. Frustration begins to be felt within me wondering why he cannot wipe his shoes or if tracked in the house, to pick up the leaf (leaves) and do the same as me. How is this so hard? The old saying, ‘were you raised in a barn’ comes to mind.

The funny thing is, as I am babbling on with my counselor the other day of my frustration over this silly leaf and of my situation at home between him and I, she smiles and states, ‘it is not about the leaf.’ We both laughed, as she was so correct. In that moment, a blog was born.


He is a happy man with himself and not a care in the world. No desire to change but continue the same routine day after day, year after year. I will yet again hear about the tree losing its leaves late. I will continue to see green grass while I admire my neighbor’s yard with the bright leaves. Yes, it is a good thing to mulch them but just let me enjoy the beauty for a few days.


I will again and again pick up a leaf here and there in my house that was tracked in and ignored. It is not about the leaf but only my frustration with him. Let it go! It’s a losing battle.

Invalidation

312E6086-FA19-47FD-999C-B90D852D5941Have you ever thought, just perhaps you are making headway and then the bottom falls out?

Being full of hope and excited about a dream and a goal that is beginning to take shape and you make a mistake, realizing afterward, by sharing and shot down with negativity. It was my own fault to even share and now kicking myself, as I pondered the words and unsure how to digest but also fighting to not give up. Through the night, tossing and turning, I realized just the degree of invalidation received F1975275-42B4-4FC1-BD46-5D0052528116from one that usually is supportive. I think that is what shocks me more. What gives? Is it that I just need to accept and move on, and then not expressing how insensitive it was, all of which I did. Now clinching my jaw in despair working through the chaos within, choking back my tears.

It is the after thoughts, when it is too late to express by being shocked and not wanting to hurt their feelings. I should have replied, “Thanks for your invalidation.”

I am reminded, we should not share our dreams and our goals with another, as it is not their dreams and goals, for this very reason. Got it!

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Psalm 20:4 “May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” Psalm 33:11 “But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.” Psalm 37:4-5 “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Small Doses

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Today, I was expecting nothing but a nice quiet day or at least most of the day in my home. Even though it is Memorial Day, my husband goes to play golf, no family was coming over so just a low-key day. It was short lived, guess it was too hot and understandably so. I tend to get more done when he is out of the house. There is a freedom, not a draining, boring, no laughter kind of day. Sad, isn’t it that I feel that way?

Yesterday, we spent the day in our son’s back yard to cut limbs and clean up so he can enjoy the property of his house rental. I love his back yard and during this pandemic of quarantine, we did not make trips, which is only an hour away. He did a lot on his own, which has been good for him and we just helped push him forward a little faster. It was a good, hot day to do this and it was nice to get away

Many times when we have days like this together, I have to bring things back down to existence between me and him. Existence of just married, basically a business partnership. For the most part, it works, financially, why not.

If I could live with previous years when it was so bad, really bad, I can deal with it now, as I continue to get clarity and get stronger within myself and put boundaries in place. Those days, as in yesterday, being together kinda sorta in a big yard, it seems he thinks we are a happily married couple. He will tell his parents or his chiropractor usually of what we did, putting a spin on what fun ‘we’ had. Over and over again I see this routine. Denial runs in his family so this just ranks right up there.E7C8824A-EBFD-4A9C-9871-3E9925BB6A68

The next day or week, he will say with such a sweet, soft and sickening voice, which is do you want to do this, want to go here or there, etc. No. No thank you. The same tone when he talked to our dog. This has been learned way to speak in order to relate to others, whether it be others, me or the dog. I feel mean when I say no thank you but, no. I can only handle him in small doses and yesterday that dosage was an overdose, and I must set my boundaries. You do your thing and I will do mine and we are both happy.

Now you are probably thinking, but he asked if you wanted to do this or that and was so nice. I have had that said to me more than once, because they do not understand what I am dealing with or have dealt with. Yes he was nice, and I was nice and said no thank you. To turn him down, you are probably thinking I am just a mean old witch. Have you walked in my shoes? Have you felt emotionally ignored in a marriage? There is more than shopping or hearing his intellectual murmurings of whatever is of interest to him that would make one bang their head on a brick wall. There is no connection, no emotional support, no real marriage. It is just an existence of two people under one roof, thankfully space between us.F4B70A60-0470-4F0C-BE52-4CED85FFC72B

If you have read any of my writings, I have mentioned Aspergers. After years and years of not knowing what was wrong, taking it all upon myself that it was me. He is the intelligent one, and he will tell you just that, so it must be me, I’m stupid. He will walk away from an issue that needs both of our attention and I need his input. He hears my tone getting a bit higher because he has ignored previous attempts, so he walks away. So again it’s me, my fault. If I make a wrong decision, it’s my fault, AA7E7170-ADD1-4266-A47B-599FA436D694which is too much pressure. To see him look at other women, I am not pretty or sexy enough. To call him out on it and each time deny although I watched this play out a million times, same result. So it must be me, I am seeing things, making it up, feeling like I am crazy.  Shall I go on? Too fat, ugly, fat and depressed will add just several more areas dealt with. Years and years of this, it does makes one feel crazy.

Had it not been for my former counselor in 2014 to recognize what I was expressing, I really do not know where I would be today. Twenty-five years of not knowing and feeling the craziness can take a toll on a person’s emotional, physical,  mental and spiritual life. You just exist from day to day with no joy.

Sadly, this is very typical in marriages when one has Aspergers and the spouse is a neurotypical. It is a crazy-making life.

So if a friend or family member confides in you, needing to vent and need you to hear them, listen. If any of this sounds familiar, don’t just say it is married life, it will get better, etc. Just maybe, this is Aspergers.

Too much time together, is too much time together.

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