The Clouds

As a child, my best friend and I would take a break from playing and lay in the grass, looking at the clouds. Laughing and pointing to shapes we saw, trying to convince the other of what and where. See? I still remember this so clearly, fifty plus years later. Clouds are majestic in their own way. I still do this, seeing shapes and smiling.

Today, as I sat on my exit ramp going home, I look up at the clouds. This is a daily thing with me. They look so soft, knowing they are not soft at all. The shapes and uniqueness is mesmerizing.

Oftentimes though, I have sat in the car, on the same exit ramp, as life stops for a moment to reflect. Tears form of memories of grief flood my heart.

It was after my mom died in 1996, I would be in the same place thinking how beautiful the sky and clouds were from my standpoint but realizing the beauty my mom saw from her now heavenly standpoint.

The exit ramp was my quiet moment, waiting for the traffic light to turn, between work and home cooking supper for a hungry family back then. It was my period of grieving. Those moments still come and go, as today, I see the clouds and remember my mom.

Life. It’s how we see and deal with what is around us and the remarkable way we cope with loss. It’s okay to grieve, you must.

May the clouds you see in life be beautiful. The dark clouds come but don’t last. Look at the clouds and let your mind get lost and relax feeling peace within.

Psalm 147:8 He covers the heavens with clouds; he prepares rain for the earth; he makes grass grow on the hills

Job 35:5 Look at the heavens, and see; and behold the clouds, which are higher than you.

Throw Up My Hands

Ever been there? Just throw up your hands and walk away.

I have been there many times. Today, and lately, I revisit this place of frustration. Change is not easy and it makes no sense when the flow of productivity is challenged by a rule where the right hand does not know what the left hand is doing. Total confusion.

It is interesting and the ability to do what is requested is possible, but then there is a twist and a turn from authority. Do they even know?

As I gradually walk into my senior citizen age bracket, I have to wonder if it is my age or incapable of doing the work any longer. So far I have managed their requests and making a solution to our office but today a turn of events, which infuriates me.

I’m so close to retirement and today it cannot come soon enough. Tomorrow will be better. I guess. I hope.

We all have moments of wanting to throw our hands up and walk away. Surely, I’m not the only one.

I have hope.

I am blessed.

I will conquer this hurdle.

I will retire one day soon.

Isaiah 40:31 “But those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

Dread and Disappointment

I am one of the biggest procrastinators ever. Do you ever deal with putting things off and just dread certain things? I should win an award.

I do believe it is just the fact of being overwhelmed, not sure how to start, wondering if I will finish and all the mess in between. So, I do nothing. Then, I get discouraged and am disappointed at myself. A spiraling rabbit hole of despair. Ugh!

Just the other day, Sunday morning, I have been working on a project, for weeks. I would start and be ready to get it done. Not a chance, as other stuff happens and in this case the heat, sun and humidity take its toll on me. I try again, but the same. My husband made a comment asking if I wanted him to bring in my yard tools and rolling garden stool. I knew it was getting to him, although it was nice of him to ask. My reply, no I’ll finish but I will wait until a morning when it is cooler and shaded. I could almost read his mind; she is not a morning person, and this will never get done.

Sadly, trying to do just that, finding a good morning to work outside when not going to my office to work, means another weekend. I was overwhelmed, frustrated and just not into it. A slight, adult temper tantrum, I don’t want to do it.

There are times I just want to stay in bed, cover my head and ignore stuff like this. I can’t! I realize when this happens, I feel a bout of depression enter. I have felt just that, recently. I do not want depression latched upon me but so disappointed in myself. Besides the yard task I started, I have other areas inside the house to do, my work, taking time to write on my book, upcoming knee surgery, etc., that is weighing on me. Screaming within, I cannot do it all.

Recognizing and to acknowledge what is holding me back does help. It is then you do one thing at a time, I have learned over the years. There is a quote on my bulletin-board at work, it has been there now for fourteen years, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” It is funny and sounds easy enough, right? Still, it can be overwhelming. An elephant is huge, I cannot do that, so even with the elephant in my thoughts, I feel overwhelmed.

In all of this and what is before me, that morning I was up early. Typical, as the cats will annoy me until fed, but I crawled back in bed afterward. Knowing full well the temperature was perfect outside, and the flower garden area was in the shade. No! I want to sleep. I laid there but there was no sleep. I pondered what all I needed from the garage to finish this task. Ugh was my thought. The fight within.

I got up and got dressed to work outside, gathered the weed eater, blower, a bucket holding other items needed. Off I went, lowering items down from my deck. Knowing full well, everything I took down along with what was already there plus now having three garbage bags of pulled weeds and thinned out plants had to be brought back up to the garage. I needed it all done and I wanted it done. Can I do it? Focus. Focus. One bite at a time.

All of this time, it has taken me weeks to finish, and I did in forty-five minutes. Done! Everything is back in its rightful place. How did that happen so easy? Why did I put this chore off? I tormented myself basically.

Now comes the place where I kick myself because it took so long to finish. Still, there is an excitement within. I did it! It’s done! An accomplishment made, which makes for a good day.

Just small hurdles as such can encourage yourself that you can do it. The push within, a bite here and a bite there, soon it is over and done. The old discouragement and depression that was weighing on me is not as heavy right now. I can conquer the world. Well, that might be extreme but a reminder that we have to trudge through the stuff we don’t want to do in order to get what and where we want. This flower garden will be beautiful soon and it will be a reminder that I can do anything I set my mind to and not allow depression to take root. This or whatever.

Hopefully, knowing I deal with procrastination, discouragement, disappointment and depression, it will help you know you that are not alone. Just knowing others experience the same, it has been helpful to me in past years. I’m not alone. You are not alone. We all have things that tend to bog us down or we must deal with but the inner child within us wants to throw a fit.

Now, get up and do something that you have been putting off, if just a small thing. It all adds up.

I did all that just this past Sunday morning, time to write this blog and get ready for church plus go a graduation party. I felt it was going to be a good day.

Now that the day is behind me, it was a good day. I felt proud of myself. Celebration!

Psalm 20:4

“May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.”

2 Chronicles 15:7

“But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”