For so many years, I mean like over a decade, my winter season felt as if I was dead and I was just drifting from day to day, year to year, with no hope in sight of change. I will die just existing in the doldrums of life.
Finally getting enough energy to walk through my counselor’s door years ago to hear her say that I was almost dead, was no surprise to me. I felt dead. It was a last-ditch effort to get my life back by trusting her, from the many hurts and pull myself out of the isolation I allowed to overtake me.
While it it did not come immediate, each session brought light to my dark mind of insecurities and struggles of placing one foot in front of the other. So many times, I have been thankful that our bodies (my body) has the ability to maintain itself when we give up. Meaning, the heart beats on its own and the lungs breath in and out without being told to. Otherwise, I don’t think I would be here and at this time in my life. I had no energy to make it happen.
As we go through the actual seasons each year, our lives do, too. As my Pastor will say, if you are not in a trial now, you are either coming out of one or you will be going into one. My thought to myself each time he said that was ‘just great’ in a sarcastic tone. It does not matter who you are or what you do, we are not exempt of struggles and we all experience seasons in our lives.
Being reminded of the seasons today in a post that I read, I realized I am not in the dead-winter season, as I once was, which felt good to grasp and realize that changes have happened within me.
While not in the lively spring season or the flourishing summer but perhaps in the transititioning autumn season and I am okay with that. At times I catch a glimpse of the others and I get excited. Thank God I am not where I was!
My mind constantly reminding me though, knowing winter will come again. Those thoughts are just the enemy to destroy any joy. With that, I have a choice of having fear hit my mind or I can praise the Lord of where I am and be joyful. I choose the latter, it feels good to be alive.
No matter what season you or I may be in today or tomorrow, the Lord is still with you/us. In the winter months, the root system grows deep and He is allowing that in each of us as it comes. Trusting Him to strengthen our faith and trust in Him to help others do the same.
I have strength to get through this hurdle that is before me and the next moment tears are rolling down my face in sadness. My life has been turned around yet again. Loss after loss.
Not necessarialy in death, as that is another whole grief that presents itself. Still, it’s grief.
Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen? I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.
Just Pondering... 