I have strength to get through this hurdle that is before me and the next moment tears are rolling down my face in sadness. My life has been turned around yet again. Loss after loss.
Not necessarialy in death, as that is another whole grief that presents itself. Still, it’s grief.
I have many friends and acquaintances but my true, deep friends live a million miles away, in seems. These are those that I have entrusted my personal life into and they into me.
One had moved several years ago to Arizona and we keep in contact quite regularly by text, almost daily. So in essence, I can make believe she is still near until the loneliness of our face-to-face togetherness is not possible. to meet up.
My other dear friend, that I met in Sunday School many years ago lived about an hour away and we would get together almost monthly to shop and eat. For some reason, her and her husband thought it would be a good idea to move closer to their son and the hospital where he was having Cancer treatment. Did they ask me? Certainly not. How dare them. I joked through this with them but I took it hard.
The time came and the going-away party happened, moving trucks hauled their possessions several states away and I am left. While I was happy, and sad, for them, I did not realize how much this affected me until weeks and months later. I am like an alone, lost puppy dog.
While adjusting to what it is, we have managed to pull the texts together moreso and it helps. The moving and settling in has eased and now there is time for me. It’s all about me, right?
Of course, I have other people in my life, it’s just not them, the connection and closeness.
Getting over all that and feeling a sense of order once again, I get hit with a harder blow this week. My wonderful counselor is taking an immediate leave of absense. Now what do I do?
I get a grip and then I lose the grip and tears fall like Niagara Falls. Lost at sea and feeling the turbulent waters all around me.
Bringing it back into reasoning, I know she has invested in me and my life, so much. While I know that and comprehend all the wisdom, knowledge, advice and care, my mind explodes thinking we are not done. I need to know this, that or another. OMG!
There was stability and routine, as I met weekly or at times twice a week with her. Again, I feel alone and lost. Deep down, I know there is a plan but fear is always lurking around to discourage my very being.
Thankfully, I know when the tears fall and my mind goes haywire over my loss(es), showing me the pit of despair I feel, The Lord is always there. I will get there but it seems it takes forever. No matter what, He will never leave me nor forsake me. Remind me Lord!
I am blessed to have two Godly friends, one in the East and one in the West. To have a woman of God as my Christian Counselor for years, I have been truly blessed.
Today, taking a break from finishing this and going to church, the message was on point. Goodness and Mercy go before me. His Mercy will hold me through this emotional pain, only if I allow Him and remove my pride to control and remain in this and trust Him. He is there for me. I must depend upon Him. Only through Him can I get through, not my counselor, although she is awesome and very dear to me; not even my friends or any other. He is the One. Again, remind me over and over.
On my drive home, thinking of my circumstances, what I just heard from my Pastor, years of wisdom in my counseling sessions, I feel I am again dealing with abandonment. Realizing that, I am just glad I know what it is, where before when I was left or felt alone, I did not. My counselor invested a lot of time and her wisdom into me, now to use and practice solo.
So as this hits and usually hits hard and the tears flow, I notice what I am telling myself, what emotions, how it affects my body in my breathing and my body posture and bodily sensations and get a handle on it instead of freezing in a fear/panic state.
To freeze in a fear state, I have done that all my life and it comes so natural. Knowing she did not leave on purpose or because of me but due to health issues. Realizing all of this, it is like a mama bird pushing her baby bird out of the nest. Don’t like it. Don’t like it one bit but here I am, it’s time to fly.
Lord, remind me over and over again that YOU will NEVER leave me.
Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen? I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.
Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give. The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.
It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair. Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.