Seasons of Life

For so many years, I mean like over a decade, my winter season felt as if I was dead and I was just drifting from day to day, year to year, with no hope in sight of change.  I will die just existing in the doldrums of life.
Finally getting enough energy to walk through my counselor’s door years ago to hear her say that I was almost dead, was no surprise to me.  I felt dead.  It was a last-ditch effort to get my life back by trusting her, from the many hurts and pull myself out of the isolation I allowed to overtake me.
While it it did not come immediate, each session brought light to my dark mind of insecurities and struggles of placing one foot in front of the other.  So many times, I have been thankful that our bodies (my body) has the ability to maintain itself when we give up.  Meaning, the heart beats on its own and the lungs breath in and out without being told to.  Otherwise, I don’t think I would be here and at this time in my life.  I had no energy to make it happen.
As we go through the actual seasons each year, our lives do, too.  As my Pastor will say, if you are not in a trial now, you are either coming out of one or you will be going into one.  My thought to myself each time he said that was ‘just great’ in a sarcastic tone.   It does not matter who you are or what you do, we are not exempt of struggles and we all experience seasons in our lives.
Being reminded of the seasons today in a post that I read, I realized I am not in the dead-winter season, as I once was, which felt good to grasp and realize that changes have happened within me.
While not in the lively spring season or the flourishing summer but perhaps in the transititioning autumn season and I am okay with that.  At times I catch a glimpse of the others and I get excited.  Thank God I am not where I was!
My mind constantly reminding me though, knowing winter will come again.  Those thoughts are just the enemy to destroy any joy. With that, I have a choice of having fear hit my mind or I can praise the Lord of where I am and be joyful.  I choose the latter, it feels good to be alive.
No matter what season you or I may be in today or tomorrow, the Lord is still with you/us.  In the winter months, the root system grows deep and He is allowing that in each of us as it comes.  Trusting Him to strengthen our faith and trust in Him to help others do the same.

Now What?

Handwritten Holiday, Christmas card with hand drawn, textured snowflakes.My extended time away from work is something I always look forward to at this time of the year, the holiday rush is over and time to do and go as I please but came to an abrupt halt the night of Christmas.  Not what I want to deal with.

It is totally apparent moreso that we have inherited the head role of  my husband’s family.  Due to his parents’ ages and medical situation and inability to carry on the family meals with holidays, I now do each holiday meals and have for the past few years.  I manage but yet again realized the other night that I would rather bake desserts than prepare meals.  Always did and I think that is a trait of my paternal grandmother.  Meal was complete and very little leftovers so I apparently succeeded or maybe did not make enough.

Then the call of a panicked brother-in-law, after leaving hours before, while we were having our Christmas time with our children at the end of the day, finally with the other family members gone.  As we were unwrapping gifts, talking and laughing, my husband’s cell phone rings.  We all held our breath thinking an accident of some sort with the aging parents, as we could vaguely hear the voice on the phone.  Something was wrong.

No, it was about him.  Sadly, we all relaxed knowing it was just him and typical drama.  The younger brother, although in his late forties, who is often missing in action unless family dinners for Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Plus enabled by his mother, I feel, which we already know will not help matters later.

AEB7E511-C684-4701-947C-0244134F32BFThe story has it, he was beat up and his eye is proof enough when kicked out of his rented space in a house by family members visiting, one just out of prison.  He now needs a place to lay his head.  Guess where?  Our house.  Just for one night I was told.  I believed that like knowing the Readers Digest people are coming to my front door with millions of dollars in sweepstakes.

I brace myself and accept the fact we need to help.  I do have a heart.  Still, with this rough group of people, will they track him down and put us in danger.  His life is a whole other world than we hold.  One that we do not understand.

593682B2-1DEB-4502-B9AC-2E82BCA45328My time off.  My mind thinking of what to do, how to get through this and knowing my time off will be spent dealing with this issue (his issues).  I solve problems at my own time and expense.  I do know…. he will not get a house key.  If no key though, I am held hostage myself dealing with his schedule.  Not going to happen.  I become the bad person putting my foot down and setting boundaries.   If I permit a key, will I ever feel safe in my own home?  No!  Now what to do?

This grown man who really just works with whatever comes his way, no real job, no real life, no real desire to do anything, is now stuck in our spare bedroom.  I want to scream and I might yet.  Get a job!

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Maybe I forget my vacation days and just go back to work to be an example to him of just how this works.  When I leave, you leave.

Some will never change.  Enabling at its finest proven to be exactly what I expected.

Not here.  Done.  Get out.  Get a job.  Get a life.

Can Dreams be a Warning?

It’s early morning and I’m wide awake.  I’ll pay for this later.  Awakened either by a dream or a car driving up the road, I’m unsure but I think the dream.40B7C6BF-DD3E-47C8-9A7E-B7CDBE245C83

The dream though was of my husband, by all outward appearance, he is calm and pleasant although Asperger odd.  He was in a rage and when awoke, I could tell my heartbeat was faster than normal so it produced fear in me.  This happened about a week ago, too.  Interesting.

I try to pay attention to my dreams.  There was one I had thirteen times growing up but never understood why but I actually saw it play out right in front of my eyes. 28A158AF-DA56-4C0C-8963-788A00CB5C76Nothing bad really but the exact replay of the dream in real time.  How crazy is that?

Once I had two guys working for me to remodel our home.  The one, the dream showed him in an angered rage and pitching things out my attic window.  Soon after, just days, the second man whose craftsmanship was surperb told me that either the other guy goes or he would. Confirmation!  I let the other man go.  Just that simple

So dreams can help you but sometimes scare the daylights out of you.   Pay attention.A903F384-9082-4F9D-8A51-43A76F335DFC

Time will tell what is up with this rage within my husband, within my dreams.   Might be nothing but might be a warning.

 

Grip of Fear

Fear is no stranger to me or me of it.  Always lurking around ready to attach and bring me down.  

I have done so well lately, well a few days, but at one point while at work this afternoon, it hit.  The panic starts and questions roll within my mind of the what if’s.   At the time, I was thinking about counseling, my counselor.  Today is a Monday, my usual day to meet with my counselor as we have for years so it seemed appropriate that it happen today. My routine has been disrupted and I still feel lost by not going.

While she is on a leave of absence, perhaps six months or maybe longer, my mind zips to when she will return.  Will she call me?  Will I be invited back?  Am I anybody to her now?  The questions continue and bombard my mind and my body is reacting in panic of what if she doesn’t, you are nobody, it’s over, and so on.  

While all of this seems to last forever, it did not.  I was able to recognize what was happening, remembering her advice and direction, realizing I was feeling tired and overwhelmed with my work and how my body was frozen and feeling a sense of doom. All of this just added further chaos to my busy day, but I was happy I did not stay there.  


The hopelessness and tightness in my body was evident.  What am I going to do?  How am I going to make it?  I miss her.  I need her.  Oh my God, help me.  Panic!

Fear is torment no matter how it comes or what about.

Understanding and control finally took over and I continued with my work.  Considering the grip it had at the time, I decided to write.

Again, I have done so well the past few days and adjusting of our sessions no longer happening, knowing I still have attachment issues and feel the abandonment in this relationship, but I know I must go forward and I will. Hopefully, in a more healthier way than with past relationships. I’m still learning, growing and healing.

Whether I am called back if or when she starts counseling again, I don’t know, time will tell. It would hurt me deeply if not and I don’t know how I will respond, if so, but silently cry many tears and write more.

While it would be nice to know and hear from her, I realize boundaries are in tact in our counselor/client relationship, so I patiently wait. I care for her and I pray for her.

When the fear comes, and it will, no matter what form, all you can do is try to get a grip.

 

Another Day…

0695DB02-8507-4EA4-8C56-F31467AE749AUsually the next part of that is, another dollar.  If only.   For me today, it is another load in the washer as I catch up on the household cleaning due to this ingenious idea of mine to join a class weeks ago.  Counting down, I have twelve days left.  Well until I start the next phase, clinicals.  Again, WTH was I thinking?

Being older and doing such and feeling the pressure like in high school, which I hated, in taking tests, I am and have been kicking myself.   Many don’t do well under pressure and I am one.  Just text me my low grade lady instructor so I can continue to kick myself and dig myself a hole, too.

E45F0D84-86E2-4286-A615-D0B128D78C7CSitting in the small class, it is a lot like I remember in high school.  There’s always one that is above the others. When she handed in her test paper, my mind went there.  I’m old enough to be her mother, all of them in fact.  Still, the horror of high school and feeling that same pressure, I went down and went down fast.  There were two questions, I totally knew the answers to but did not answer them correctly, for whatever reason.  Panic.  Others, too, but those two are rehearsed in my head causing me torment.  Make them stop!  FA59178F-7249-42DE-83CD-BEA329923D17

At this point, it is what it is.  To humor myself, especially with those two questions and answers, I wonder if the instructor while grading is thinking, WTH was she thinking.  I don’t know lady, I don’t know.

My umph is gone, my desire to get this class over and done with is sky high, unsure if I will pass or not.  Later on, will I be pleased of the torment and glad I stuck it out or will I still be kicking myself, thinking what in the world was I thinking I could do that?

Time will tell.  Just another day.

WTH Am I Doing?

3959F1E8-DCC3-42A4-A770-E32A71F0E159What in the world was I thinking?  Discouragement hits an all-time high in my life this week.  The negative words within my mind take over as I try to shake them out over and over again but feeling hopeless.

Panic sets in and immobilizes me in my steps to move forward. Tears fall like a water faucet and I keep drowning in the whoa is me, unworthiness.  Never finishing anything or amounting to much and that is where I am.  What the hell was I thinking that I could make a move to better myself in a class, thinking fate lined this up or that God had a plan.  Tonight I doubt Him, my life and everything ahead of me.  Where am I?  Where am I going?   AD9DE022-3DFE-4FB5-B067-AC15BDF77943

I had managed to get out of a hole of isolation after years of counseling, taking better care of my health, but I feel the sinking feeling once again and it scares the daylights out of me.   Where is my counselor?  Why did she have to leave?   Years of weekly sessions come to an abrupt halt and still after a month, I am going down.  My support has been taken from me.  With everything else in life and with this class that I thought I could handle, I feel the grief and even anger of it all.  A visible, physical person that I could confide and trusted like none other, is no longer.  Now, nothing!  Gone.  I’m lost.

The questions within overwhelm my thoughts so often.  Who am I?  What is this purpose?  When will this pain be over?  Where will tomorrow take me?  Feeling like a person that I can and have confidence to do what I want, which is a good place to be, but then discouragement takes hold and the confidence is canceled out doubting my own existence.

Knowing full well, and that is to put one foot in front of the other allowing my body to function in its own way of breathing, with the heart beating and feel the emotions as they come.  Deep down, I know the Lord has me in the palm of His Hand.  We all go through periods of discouragement, loneliness and hopelessness, only to mention a few, and perhaps my honestly and vulnerability will help another, you.

All I know right now, tonight, I will get through this period.   Tomorrow comes with a new outlook.

A277BADD-8F7D-4FDE-AEEF-4B4613CD0D5B

 

Now What?

632BA1E3-A01A-44A2-9445-6602D14F413BWhat do I do?  Where do I go?

Today, after four years of weekly counseling visits, sometimes two, of course minus vacation weeks by my counselor or sickness of either one of us, has ended.  It has been long, hard, insightful and an investment that I would do all over again.

It was meant to be that I found her at the time in my life. I was going down and going fast.  The Lord directed my steps and used her to help me. Forever, I will be grateful.

Now, I am faced moreso after basically an exit telephone call due to some health issues for her.  I’m lost!  The abandonment and attachment that has been with me as a child, which has been a part of our client/counselor relationship, knowingly and us working through, but no more.  What do I do? 63C482A4-D2AB-4C58-87D0-441F1E36ED5E

The thought of starting and being encouraged from her to find another, I feel a dread within.  It’s exhausting to break in another counselor.  I don’t want to rehearse my past.  Is it possible to highlight but move forward in healing or will the new one want to know all the good, bad and the ugly to bring me back to where I am today?   Then, what if they leave?  Abandoned yet again.

Its crazy to know I need a new counselor to deal with my last counselor but the grieving process is overwhelming at times.  While some may not understand, realize that this woman has been a part of my life for four years.  We both invested in one another.  Things we have discussed, only God knows besides her.  That’s huge!

I felt closer to her than my own siblings. While they love me, they don’t know me. Never did.  I truly have been blessed but now I walk blindly trying to know what to do. Lord, put another Christian Counselor, as you did before, in my path so I can continue on my journey and heal from the hurts within.

My heart will forever be thankful but for the time being, it hurts. 735B543F-5162-4B9A-8619-1C1B439882F5