Come Home

Here we all are. Again with shutdowns happening, fear being increased and are to avoid our own family for Thanksgiving and you and I both know, Christmas also, already, the same. Plus, stay locked up in our four walls while it feels our world is falling apart. In the meantime, many feel they are doing the same. How many will be in total hopelessness as this continues? If not already.

The other night, I read the mandates and knowing day by day it will probably increase with rules and directions of what we should and should not do. How much more? Many cannot take much more. My heart hurts for them and those that have lost and will lose loved ones, businesses, jobs and their homes. If I am overwhelmed at times, how many more around me feel the same or those further away. We are all in this together.

I have heard the words, “While we enjoy Thanksgiving with our loved ones, in January we will be planning a funeral.” Talk about fear. Talk about reality. What do we do? What is right? What is wrong? It seems like the very beginning of this pandemic, we all became aware of this virus, confusion has been in the midst. It continues. Loud and clear, they clammer. Just stay home! Stay secluded. .

Many will disregard the rules and mandates, as we have all seen and heard. Many still detest the mask wearing. Just wear the mask and wash your hands. It’s that simple. Opinions and thoughts along with the rolling of eyes are made if a plan is made and shame for doing so is added. Many will plan to gather with family members and friends. Some will lower their number in attendance to help stop spreading the virus.

I have not seen my youngest son since July 4th. My oldest, I did see last month briefly but no hugs and the distance was too much for me as his mom. I wrote more about this in my blog, The Bubble.

In my case, I have narrowed down my Thanksgiving gathering to just my immediate family and my daughter-in-law’s parents. They need to see their daughter and I need to see my sons. Our children, no matter how old, need to see their parents. Might I add, my son could not have picked a better set of in-laws and wife. We used to have MIL’s day out and shop or walk a marathon or two, until this pandemic. We are all family. Normally, I would have up to fifteen in the house so I have cut this to help, and I hope we all do well. I dislike that the other family members are not getting together in our home, for yet another holiday. I hate this virus, period.

I so want to hug my boys but I am afraid to hug them, too. As I wrote before in a blog, if it was just my chance of getting sick and possibly dying, okay, but I want to hug my boys. I also have to consider, what if I hug them and they get sick. The mom guilt would always haunt me. What if I do get this virus and die? The ‘what if’ and questions that follow of what is right and what is wrong just toss in my head, from day to day. Fear of living. I am sure I am not the only one that is feeling this tug, and a grieving.

Mentioning this to a medical technician the other day while I was having a test, we discussed families being together, and my ‘what ifs’ and her comment was, ‘You may not have another Thanksgiving.’ True! In her words, my mind was made up, and I felt more peace as we will gather together.

Of course, later I had to wonder about what she saw in my ultrasound, knowing I may not make it to the next one. Just a passing thought that I could have got serious about and worry or I could laugh, which I did. We do not know what tomorrow holds or even next year. I am going to see my boys (grown men) on Thanksgiving.

Living in fear is not the answer. I have lived with fear shadowing me majority of my life. As we all go about our daily lives, we are around people unknowingly that may be contagious and we make choices to be around others in work possibly the same, getting gas, groceries, etc. So, as a family, we choose to be together with the ones we love. It just might be our last time together.

We do not know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow. I have to trust God and not live in fear.

My cry is to and for my children and that is to ‘Come Home’ and that they feel the peace and comfort, being reminded and knowing they are loved. Praying constantly for them yesterday, today and all of the tomorrows. If I am apprehensive with all that we are experiencing, they also are and need to be reminded of their mom’s love along with her prayers, and having parents here for them.

May your Thanksgiving be a time to enjoy and love your family and friends, whether in person or on a Zoom call. May each of you be in good health.

A Hugless Year

As we are nearing the end of 2020, a year we will never forget, and cannot wait for this all to be over, we cope and keep moving forward.

The holidays are nearing but apprehension is also. Do we meet or don’t we, is the question. Do we have less people or keep it the same and take our chances, is also a question. Trying to buy food and the right amount comes into play, although the grocery store shelves may take care of that decision for us.

I do plan to have just my two sons, daughter-in-law and her parents, that is it. Normally, I would have all of my husband’s family in. While I love them, I am looking forward to a smaller crowd around my table, not tables. I normally would make part of my living room area look like a small cafe with four tables. It works and is nice but so nice not to do, too. Maybe next year. We will take food over to his elderly parents, so they are not in the midst of many. It will all work out and I think everyone understands the circumstances, even though we do not like what is happening.

The holidays are a time of laughter and for me, hugs to and from my sons, especially. I so miss them this year, more than ever. I know that my son and his wife are being very selective due to this virus. I feel my other son is also although he might be enjoying the slower pace of life. He is at the age, that he is busy and the selfish, sad side of me, thinking he is too busy for his mom. I do remember being his age and I was too busy for my parents. Perhaps that old saying, what goes around, comes around. Be Still is my motto. I know that he knows I am here, which was proven in a previous blog, So Far Away.

My oldest son was up last month to drop their dog off for me to watch. Upon arriving and leaving, NO hug. How hard this was for me while trying to keep it together as he pulled out of our driveway to go home, which was emotional. I found myself angry at this virus. I have done so well but this was just so odd to feel as though he was afraid to hug me, protecting me but I also needed to protect him. A blog is floating around in my writings, called, The Bubble.

So I am trying to prepare myself that I will probably not get hugs on Thanksgiving. I said I am trying, that is all I can do. If it was just the chance of hugging and only I would be a risk, then hug me. I will take my chances. Now that we know that nobody is exempt, no matter what age, precaution is warranted. Still, I will try to get through this but knowing I will fall apart when they leave. In that, too, I am preparing for and know that it is okay. I am a mom, moms need hugs.

If this pandemic would have been years earlier, I am unsure how I would have managed. I really don’t think as well as I have, I know so. Thank God in my counseling sessions with my former counselor, we discussed often the need I had for hugs, especially from a few mother figures in my life. While I knew I dealt with this, I never really understood why. Typical thinking of that I did not receive hugs from my mom, that is all. The yearning for the lost love was present within me.

This counselor dug deep within me to pull out the rejection, abandonment and shame, just to name a few. These sessions were not always easy to process but enough that I grasped the whys in my life. To walk in her office for help due to my marriage issues and while we did so, she then stopped and said, “Now let’s deal with you.” I will never forget that day. This was not at all what I was expecting, but she was wise enough to almost see the depths of my soul, it felt like. With no hesitation we continued and in those many, many sessions over the years, layer by layer, she peeled back my hurts. These sessions were not always pleasant.

Abandonment, a major part was exposed. Why did I not know this?To feel abandonment is cruel, almost a torment, screaming quietly, PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ME, to deaf ears around me. As I sat across from her, so many times, I felt she heard my silent screams but making me say, Please Hug Me. This was so hard but became somewhat easier, as I learned to trust her more. Had it not been for her understanding and hugs at times, I don’t know if I would be capable of handling this year.

While she was not a motherly figure to me, as both of us being around the same age with her younger in fact, but I could project that on her at the times. Project, I believe is the right term. No matter, it was helpful, even though painful to pull up those thoughts, feelings and emotions.

So in doing so, years ago, acknowledging the whys within me of those hugs I desperately needed from many, I no longer yearn for now. It is like an escape from jail. Freedom. Don’t get me wrong, I love hugs and really miss receiving and giving, as we all do probably. Right now, it is frowned upon due to the virus. I’m okay with that, until it comes to my sons. I want to hug my sons. I need their hugs, too.

With less visits, they are busy in life, as I am also, but we are all in a different place in life, and I understand. I cannot help but feel that tug of abandonment. Abandonment, even from my own sons. I know though, I cannot linger in that place of feeling abandoned. I feel it, I acknowledge it and I release it. It throws a heavy punch in my gut but it does not stay. They both know I love them and I know they love me.

Will I hug my boys on Thanksgiving upon arriving or leaving and in between when possible? I don’t know. While my oldest is more precautious, my youngest is a hugger so this might be hard for him and I but we will get through this. Often I wonder if I ran into my former counselor in public, who said we could talk and I could have a hug, if that would even happen now. This virus is the pits. If not, I know and I know that she knows I will have to deal with the gut-punch and the emotions, but mostly that I will get back up and continue in this hugless year.

So how are you dealing with less hugs and less togetherness with friends and family this year?

🍂 Before I forget, Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. 🍂