WTH Am I Doing?

3959F1E8-DCC3-42A4-A770-E32A71F0E159What in the world was I thinking?  Discouragement hits an all-time high in my life this week.  The negative words within my mind take over as I try to shake them out over and over again but feeling hopeless.

Panic sets in and immobilizes me in my steps to move forward. Tears fall like a water faucet and I keep drowning in the whoa is me, unworthiness.  Never finishing anything or amounting to much and that is where I am.  What the hell was I thinking that I could make a move to better myself in a class, thinking fate lined this up or that God had a plan.  Tonight I doubt Him, my life and everything ahead of me.  Where am I?  Where am I going?   AD9DE022-3DFE-4FB5-B067-AC15BDF77943

I had managed to get out of a hole of isolation after years of counseling, taking better care of my health, but I feel the sinking feeling once again and it scares the daylights out of me.   Where is my counselor?  Why did she have to leave?   Years of weekly sessions come to an abrupt halt and still after a month, I am going down.  My support has been taken from me.  With everything else in life and with this class that I thought I could handle, I feel the grief and even anger of it all.  A visible, physical person that I could confide and trusted like none other, is no longer.  Now, nothing!  Gone.  I’m lost.

The questions within overwhelm my thoughts so often.  Who am I?  What is this purpose?  When will this pain be over?  Where will tomorrow take me?  Feeling like a person that I can and have confidence to do what I want, which is a good place to be, but then discouragement takes hold and the confidence is canceled out doubting my own existence.

Knowing full well, and that is to put one foot in front of the other allowing my body to function in its own way of breathing, with the heart beating and feel the emotions as they come.  Deep down, I know the Lord has me in the palm of His Hand.  We all go through periods of discouragement, loneliness and hopelessness, only to mention a few, and perhaps my honestly and vulnerability will help another, you.

All I know right now, tonight, I will get through this period.   Tomorrow comes with a new outlook.

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Tears Behind the Mask

Today, wanting to drop to the floor and cry like a baby at times, I must endure and put on a smile and deal with work, people and just life itself. Coming back from lunch, I sat in the car to get myself together and basically adjust my mask, it is just part of my routine in life.

So many times, my counselor mentioned the mask that I have worn for years, which puts a barrier up between me and my vulnerability with others to be lacking. Perhaps I just don’t get it. If I took off my mask all the times I hid the tears and wailing I feel within, I can only imagine what others may think. Lock her up, she is losing it. If they only knew, I really was and am. Today is no different. The waves of emotions I feel are overwhelming at times. I am just trying to keep it together.

Finding this pic and quote today, is so true. Nobody at my church for years knew I was hurting and dying inside from depression. Discernment is a rare commodity. When others mentioned after I did drop the mask and share, so many said that they never knew and that I was a good actress. Apparently, I was!

Actually, there are some that I do not want to be vulnerable with and share my true self with. That is an honor to get to know me, not that I am anyone special but I believe we we have a say and we all have a part that we want to share with others. Make sense? I feel I have come a long way with this mask thing but there is a time and a place to let your guard (mask) down and to wear it.

As I fight back the tears, my breathing halts from the outburst I have felt so many times. No telling how many brain cells have died from just this habit I exhibit that nobody sees or feels. They would not want to feel the pain I have within.

Don’t we all have pain though? To some extent, we are all going through something and that is why we need to show mercy and grace to one another. We do not know what one another is going through. Do we?

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Tears Overtake Me

4C2B3ECF-B61E-4592-B245-D5D66989A2FEI have strength to get through this hurdle that is before me and the next moment tears are rolling down my face in sadness.  My life has been turned around yet again.  Loss after loss.

54C87143-A31A-4BC1-9280-F46EE037CCD0Not necessarialy in death, as that is another whole grief that presents itself.  Still, it’s grief.

I have many friends and acquaintances but my true, deep friends live a million miles away, in seems.  These are those that I have entrusted my personal life into and they into me.

One had moved several years ago to Arizona and we keep in contact quite regularly by text, almost daily.  So in essence, I can make believe she is still near until the loneliness of our face-to-face togetherness is not possible. to meet up.

My other dear friend, that I met in Sunday School many years ago lived about an hour away and we would get together almost monthly to shop and eat.  For some reason, her and her husband thought it would be a good idea to move closer to their son and the hospital where  he was having Cancer treatment.  Did they ask me?  Certainly not.  How dare them.  I joked through this with them but I took it hard.

The time came and the going-away party happened, moving trucks hauled their possessions several states away and I am left.  While I was happy, and sad, for them, I did not realize how much this affected me until weeks and months later.  I am like an alone, lost puppy dog.

While adjusting to what it is, we have managed to pull the texts together moreso and it helps.  The moving and settling in has eased and now there is time for me.  It’s all  about me, right?

Of course, I have other people in my life, it’s just not them,  the connection and closeness.

Getting over all that and feeling a sense of order once again, I get hit with a harder blow this week.  My wonderful counselor is taking an immediate leave of absense.  Now what do I do?

I get a grip and then I lose the grip and tears fall like Niagara Falls.   Lost at sea and feeling the turbulent waters all around me.

Bringing it back into reasoning, I know she has invested in me and my life, so much.  While I know that and comprehend all the wisdom, knowledge, advice and care, my mind explodes thinking we are not done.  I need to know this, that or another.  OMG!

There was stability and routine, as I met weekly or at times twice a week with her.  Again, I feel alone and lost. Deep down, I know there is a plan but fear is always lurking around to discourage my very being.

Thankfully, I know when the tears fall and my mind goes haywire over my loss(es), showing me the pit of despair I feel, The Lord is always there.  I will get there but it seems it takes forever.  No matter what, He will never leave me nor forsake me.  Remind me Lord!

I am blessed to have two Godly friends, one in the East and one in the West.  To have a woman of God as my Christian Counselor for years, I have been truly blessed.

Today, taking a break from finishing this and going to church, the message was on point.  Goodness and Mercy go before me.  His Mercy will hold me through this emotional pain, only if I allow Him and remove my pride to control and remain in this and trust Him.  He is there for me.  I must depend upon Him.  Only through Him can I get through, not my counselor, although she is awesome and very dear to me; not even my friends or any other.  He is the One.  Again, remind me over and over.

On my drive home, thinking of my circumstances, what I just heard from my Pastor, years of wisdom in my counseling sessions, I feel I am again dealing with abandonment.  Realizing that, I am just glad I know what it is, where before when I was left or felt alone, I did not.  My counselor invested a lot of time and her wisdom into me, now to use and practice solo.

So as this hits and usually hits hard and the tears flow, I notice what I am telling myself, what emotions, how it affects my body in my breathing and my body posture and bodily sensations and get a handle on it instead of freezing in a fear/panic state.

To freeze in a fear state, I have done that all my life and it comes so natural.  Knowing she did not leave on purpose or because of me but due to health issues.  Realizing all of this, it is like a mama bird pushing her baby bird out of the nest.  Don’t like it.  Don’t like it one bit but here I am, it’s time to fly.

Lord, remind me over and over again that YOU will NEVER leave me.

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Left Untold

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The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

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Coffee First!

5423BE40-FAFA-4BFC-9825-475A6700B5D0 Shhhhh….

Don’t talk to me this morning, I’m not ready yet.  To deal with your humming or your morning voice.

Just let me be and pour my coffee to drink in solitude so I can get my act together without yours in my way.

No promises about later, I may need another cup.  Thank goodness, I don’t drink anything stronger than this.

Years of unhappiness as we are strangers under one roof, other wives would run screaming, but here we are.  E27C49BF-C9D9-41F7-BAB4-35721D8C12D4

Another day, another year, I wonder how much coffee I have had to drink.

Pour me another cup of Joe!

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Dead Inside

BC47EB14-85EA-40AD-A782-2028ACC311B7Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen?  I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.

Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give.  The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.

It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair.  Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.

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Panic Within

Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten.  The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.   EE48EF49-01D6-4234-A327-7BE8E05F97DA

It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay.  I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it.  Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.

There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too.  Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally.   Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received.  Numb.  Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.

Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy.  My heart breaks a little more through the pain.

8A18F3FA-659A-4381-954B-45D07F5CB991You take one day at a time   When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.

The only hope is the Lord.  I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.  My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.

Trust Him!