Disappointment

Dread and Disappointment

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I am one of the biggest procrastinators ever. Do you ever deal with putting things off and just dread certain things? I should win an award.

I do believe it is just the fact of being overwhelmed, not sure how to start, wondering if I will finish and all the mess in between. So, I do nothing. Then, I get discouraged and am disappointed at myself. A spiraling rabbit hole of despair. Ugh!

Just the other day, Sunday morning, I have been working on a project, for weeks. I would start and be ready to get it done. Not a chance, as other stuff happens and in this case the heat, sun and humidity take its toll on me. I try again, but the same. My husband made a comment asking if I wanted him to bring in my yard tools and rolling garden stool. I knew it was getting to him, although it was nice of him to ask. My reply, no I’ll finish but I will wait until a morning when it is cooler and shaded. I could almost read his mind; she is not a morning person, and this will never get done.

Sadly, trying to do just that, finding a good morning to work outside when not going to my office to work, means another weekend. I was overwhelmed, frustrated and just not into it. A slight, adult temper tantrum, I don’t want to do it.

There are times I just want to stay in bed, cover my head and ignore stuff like this. I can’t! I realize when this happens, I feel a bout of depression enter. I have felt just that, recently. I do not want depression latched upon me but so disappointed in myself. Besides the yard task I started, I have other areas inside the house to do, my work, taking time to write on my book, upcoming knee surgery, etc., that is weighing on me. Screaming within, I cannot do it all.

Recognizing and to acknowledge what is holding me back does help. It is then you do one thing at a time, I have learned over the years. There is a quote on my bulletin-board at work, it has been there now for fourteen years, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” It is funny and sounds easy enough, right? Still, it can be overwhelming. An elephant is huge, I cannot do that, so even with the elephant in my thoughts, I feel overwhelmed.

In all of this and what is before me, that morning I was up early. Typical, as the cats will annoy me until fed, but I crawled back in bed afterward. Knowing full well the temperature was perfect outside, and the flower garden area was in the shade. No! I want to sleep. I laid there but there was no sleep. I pondered what all I needed from the garage to finish this task. Ugh was my thought. The fight within.

I got up and got dressed to work outside, gathered the weed eater, blower, a bucket holding other items needed. Off I went, lowering items down from my deck. Knowing full well, everything I took down along with what was already there plus now having three garbage bags of pulled weeds and thinned out plants had to be brought back up to the garage. I needed it all done and I wanted it done. Can I do it? Focus. Focus. One bite at a time.

All of this time, it has taken me weeks to finish, and I did in forty-five minutes. Done! Everything is back in its rightful place. How did that happen so easy? Why did I put this chore off? I tormented myself basically.

Now comes the place where I kick myself because it took so long to finish. Still, there is an excitement within. I did it! It’s done! An accomplishment made, which makes for a good day.

Just small hurdles as such can encourage yourself that you can do it. The push within, a bite here and a bite there, soon it is over and done. The old discouragement and depression that was weighing on me is not as heavy right now. I can conquer the world. Well, that might be extreme but a reminder that we have to trudge through the stuff we don’t want to do in order to get what and where we want. This flower garden will be beautiful soon and it will be a reminder that I can do anything I set my mind to and not allow depression to take root. This or whatever.

Hopefully, knowing I deal with procrastination, discouragement, disappointment and depression, it will help you know you that are not alone. Just knowing others experience the same, it has been helpful to me in past years. I’m not alone. You are not alone. We all have things that tend to bog us down or we must deal with but the inner child within us wants to throw a fit.

Now, get up and do something that you have been putting off, if just a small thing. It all adds up.

I did all that just this past Sunday morning, time to write this blog and get ready for church plus go a graduation party. I felt it was going to be a good day.

Now that the day is behind me, it was a good day. I felt proud of myself. Celebration!

Psalm 20:4

“May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.”

2 Chronicles 15:7

“But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”

One More, Gone

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

I found myself the other day feeling the loss of many in my life, but not in death basically, but out of reach. Our relationship will never be the same and our paths may never cross again.

Honestly, I have had to fight through the anger when this has happened. Anger with the Lord. Why? Why are you removing them from my life. I feel so alone. I miss them. I don’t do well with change and feeling abandoned tops the chart in my emotions. Lord, why is this happening as I am alone already?

Through the last few years, more losses but now I try my best to grasp that even though another leaves, the Lord is still with me. It is that knowing deep within that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know that but I am human, too. Loss is hard. I miss them even before they are gone.

Saying goodbye to another just this week, due to his family moving to Arizona, a loss. Odds are I will never see or speak to him again. Our paths crossed. I’m thankful. This happens all the time and I am sure with you, one moves, one retires, one is sick, etc., but they all accumulate to where a sadness develops, as you miss them and the relationship.

The other day, thinking over all of those that I have lost, just in the last five years, I was sad and selfish and wanted to have a poor me, pitiful pity party. I did not do so but I felt it coming. To remind myself, I was blessed to have them in my life for the period that I did was truly a blessing. I hope that I blessed their life in some way.

As I write this, I thought about my former counselor and her last note to me about being a stepping stone in my life. While I understood that from her, I was devastated our time was done too soon, as we just talked about having one more year in counseling together. I was angry with her and reading those words she wrote and even angry with the Lord. I was not done, my dependency on her was still needed, I thought and of our plans. We were making so much progress. Just the visual of a stepping stone and her writing that to me, I wanted to pick that stone up and smash it into smithereens. No matter, it was over and done. I’m just a closed file in her filing cabinet.

As for being angry with the Lord, it is okay and it is okay to scream that you are angry, you may even hate Him at that moment, as He let you down, too. He knows it anyway. Actually, it’s freeing to do just that, scream. Go ahead.

I have had to wonder nowadays if I hear from another person in my life, calling or telling me of whatever is happening in their life and of their situation, and they will be leaving me, too. Am I putting up a wall to avoid such hurt or am I just accepting the fact that nothing or nobody is permanent in my life. Perhaps reluctant to be friends because they might leave. Is this reality or a cold-hearted feeling I have anymore. Dealing with abandonment in my life, this really knocks me off kilter. Please don’t leave me! A part of me is that I understand, and I really do. There is also a part that throws a temper tantrum, fine go ahead and leave me. The sensible, understanding adult and the anxious, fearful child fighting within.

Thankfully, in time I get it together as change and loss is hard. Even through the dark, lonely and emotional stages it all brings, I know I am not alone. Even though I was angry with the Lord, I know He loves me still and I Him. I can share my broken heart yet again but yet again be reminded, He is right here with me.

Like the sweet church song we sing, ‘I don’t know about tomorrow but I know who holds my hand.’ In life we are faced with many losses and situations we don’t know which way to turn, our steps are unsteady, our faith is wavering and we finally throw up a white flag, surrendering our need and call upon the Lord.

In those midnight hours or when you or I feel so alone, people have left our lives and no hope in sight, there is One that we can call out to and He hears our cry and sees our tears while collecting them. How sweet and caring is that?

So I have learned through my losses, I am sad and tears will flow while grief is present. I am not to build a wall to not be hurt again, as I will be, but to accept and wish them well on their journey. Hopefully, I was a stepping stone in their life as they were in mine.

A loss is great but the Love of God is even greater!

May you feel His Love all around you in whatever you might be facing or going through. You are going ‘through’ so have hope because He knows your name, He knows where you are right now, and He knows where you are going. Be Blessed

Depressed Dreamers

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

What a week it has been. Well, this month, too. Let’s not forget this whole year. Whew!

This year has been an introvert’s dream and noticed life is good, with less chaos around them. The extrovert is more nervous than previously, not knowing what to do with the down time. I am in the mix but more introvert. I feel there is always something to do, improve, clean, etc., but I also enjoy the downtime, naps and writing. This year, we have all had to adapt.

This week and past month especially, I have heard many mention, of course, the Presidential election. It is in process and soon we will all know the final decision. This blog is not to express my choice of candidate or yours, just the observation I have had and found interesting. Odds are, you have also.

My mom used to say when in such events, and that is somebody will win and somebody will lose. Usually from her, it was in regard to my athletic ability, of which I had none or no interest. Looking at it though in this way, it takes away the pain of being a loser. Here we are with the big boys. One will win and one will lose.

No matter what side in this election, one side will be happy and one side will be sad, angry and depressed; perhaps feel fear over the future. No matter, one will win and one will lose.

In this year of 2020, a time that will go down in history with the Covid19 and the Presidential election, many predictions have been made. I am sure we all have had a thought of predicting ourselves of the outcome, whether spoken or not or that desire of such to come into fruition. Time will tell.

Here is where I find all of this to be of interest. In the months getting closer to November 3rd, I know many that are glued and watch television and listen to those that have had a dream of the outcome or shared their predictions. These are those that have deep faith and hear from God. While I understand faith and have faith, I do believe that God can and does speak to us or felt in our spirit, which I have experienced myself in my own life. I do believe that dreams can be spiritual dreams, too. I do know also that everyone that has a dream can be just that, a dream.

My friend was so convinced that this one man was the real deal and then another and that continued through many Christians that heard from the Lord. I found her to be in confusion and the anxiety building. My advice was to turn off the media. It was her husband that added fire to the chaos between them and tossing which one to believe or all of them.

Now this week, both of them are definitely confused and doubting the prophets. It is not doubting God, it is those wanting to be God. In this, I have heard prophesies and have seen healing before my very eyes. God is not an author of confusion. Those that had dreams and professed how this election would go, but didn’t. I wonder if they are also doubting themselves and also God. It is easy to feel confused and disappointed in man, yourself and God.

“My heart is not full of faith. So many prophets have said Trump would win. Did they all miss hearing God?” In this, with her mentioning the many names of those that they listened to and their faith was placed. Her text continues on with many questions and doubts. “I still can’t wrap my mind around what is happening. How did so many highly, reputable prophets miss God?” This is one friend that will dip into a state of depression and feel the doom and gloom and it is the end of the world. How many others will?

This is not only one but many to experience this possible outcome. I may not like it and you may not like it but one thing about it, this is no surprise to God. Many will be shaken. Many will question their own faith, as my friend, and doubt all those that had a dream and predictions, with faith being lifted. Many voices were heard and believed. Could this be where Satan wants Christians, pulling away from their faith? Could this be where we fight the good fight of faith, to remain true to God and His Word even in the face of opposition, oppression and adversity. We each have a choice.

In the end and whatever the final count in this situation with what the election will be, one will win and one will lose.

Our position at that point is to pray for our President. Most importantly, to keep our trust in God.