Dreams

Hello In A Dream

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I look forward to sleep, as my dreams become almost real. I cannot imagine my life without dreams, seeing and understanding things and especially those I love. A brief instance of a conversation maybe, a few words or the embrace of a hug. I smile, I cry when I remember my dream and when so powerful, I write them down Today, I have done all that and to share. I don’t want to forget. I needed this visit, even if just in a dream.

“Hello. You look beautiful.” I said this to you. Your white hair and white blouse, you just glowed, as I saw you in my dream and we talked briefly. You leaned in to touch my arm with a smile, as in you missed me, too, and soon we hugged. It’s been such a long time. I do miss you.

It’s Us

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It’s Us!

Not You, it’s You and Not Me, it’s Me. It’s Us.

This may not make sense to anyone but me. I have come a far distance and it feels good and feels right. Time does make a difference. Healing within and understanding of oneself is liberating. Is my life perfect and have it all together? Not a chance.

It is knowing I am not where I once was and I am still evolving.

One day, which is the next step, I will see my former therapist of four years. Her leaving due to medical reasons and not formally telling me, I was at a loss, her office sign is down and is no more, in 2018. My world was rocked off its axis.

Dealing with abandonment prior to her leave, then experiencing full-blown abandonment, as a true, full-blown assignment, my heart was broken. Anger ripped my insides up while tears flowed on the outside. The question I repeatedly said, was one word, WHY?

Of course, it was medical but why not personally touch base. This ‘why’ screamed within me for years.

It has since silenced. It’s not that important anymore. How is that? I still don’t know the why. There’s a peace and I like it.

Time does in fact heal. Forgiveness of the other but also of oneself is freedom, no matter what situation.

All the negative feelings and thoughts have subsided and it is kind of shocking. How will I react when we do meet while shopping or in public I often wonder.

It would be nice to see her and hug her. I’m forever thankful for our times together years ago but I want this to be a coming together somehow on the same ground level as friends. Not her as my therapist or me as her client. That is no more. It’s Us. Funny, I think she would understand this of me, as she was good like that.

That’s the next step, our running into each other. I would like that.

Again, Time!

It’s Time To Be Quiet

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My hopes, my dreams, my goals and my plans are for me. Those things that are in the working stages in my life are mine to hope for, figure out, contemplate and discover. They are not yours, they are mine. Many times when we speak of such to another, they don’t understand or care enough as we would like and to not fully understand our journey that we are on. We walk away sometimes discouraged. The reason being, it is not their journey. It’s ours.

Your journey is not my journey. I am not to point my finger and tell you what to do or make you feel less than because I do not agree. Many have their opinions and are willing to freely give. Some are good points to consider but the final choice is ours, good or bad. Perhaps their input is pushing the plan a little quicker than we’d prefer but we know to wait. The wait is hard to understand and impatience shows up to rush the plan. Just do it! No! An uneasiness within catches my attention and it should. Timing, as I have mentioned before in my blogs, it will happen when the time is right. Of course, I have had those moments thinking if am I right, am I just afraid or just plain stupid. Waiting is hard.

As I shared some information the other day with another, I walked away feeling as though I don’t want to share nothing any further. Something was different, it’s like I am to be quiet. It’s not a withdrawal of sharing due to depression but the steps I now must take is to be private. It is not necessary to share everything. As it comes to pass, my faith grows because my trust is in the Lord and not others. He says, I know the desires of your heart. I must believe Him.

There is an excitement within me to figure out what lies ahead. Early in this pandemic, I woke up and immediately sat up in bed with the words, saying aloud, “Do you trust Me?” Another time, the same but more of a peaceful expression, “You are my hiding place.” Each time I would write such words down and put before me to see on my wall near my chair that only I see, as I don’t want to forget and I want to be reminded. I look at it often and oftentimes say it to hear myself, to know that it is okay, to have peace. The words, “Be Still and know that I am God,” is one I glance at often when I worry, more of my son with this one verse but also in all things, when thoughts come that bring fear.

I know He knows my name and I know He knows where I am. Just knowing He knows, a peace comes when I feel unsteady going forward and what is around me seems chaotic. Too many years have passed of holding onto those words to not believe and watch what is to happen. Faith. We must have faith!

Trusting yourself, to trust the Lord, brings growth.

https://www.mondayslife.com/the-season-of-transition-waiting-on-god-for-the-next-move/

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2014/06/11/lord-i-dont-know-what-to-do

“Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow.” Psalm 25:4 (NLT)