My Achy Breaky Heart

EE333D73-EDCD-4FE8-82B0-DCA046E78CC9We have all heard the song, Achy Breaky Heart, at some point in our life. Honestly, I did not like that song then and the title is only being used as it fits my story.

The other night as I watched Grey’s Anatomy, they said that this man had a broken heart syndrome, which caught my attention. With that I remembered back way many years ago when I was in the hospital for some reason. That is how long ago it was, as I cannot remember what was medically happening then.

Odds are though, it was between 2000 and 2008. I was dealing with too much on my plate and my marriage was 4B04D047-69D5-4F75-954F-1B024D4278F1lost and suffering in the midst. Many health and psychology articles mention if stress, anger and emotional turmoil within is not dealt with, physical ailments result. Bingo! I had been experiencing a pain in my heart for awhile but could never express to the nurses or doctors of the nagging pain that was continuous, tests were negative which of course brought fear, even more into my life because the pain remained. B5BE4975-3774-4DFE-B789-B0ED1FD2EB74

As I was in the hospital bed, the nurse was checking my vitals and asking me questions about the pain and sadly I said to her that I think I just have a broken heart. In my mind, that was truth, it was that bad in my life. Being a patient in the hospital was never a problem for me, even though sleep is interrupted often but to me it was a respite for me from my own home. How sad is that?

I knew as a patient, they would care for me.  I did not need to care for anyone. The medical field was always an interest anyway but time away, an excused absence from my life, was welcomed when it did happen.

Here it has been so many years of me feeling and saying of my broken heart that it is actually a real thing. I was not wrong to tell that nurse my heart was broken, because it was. Whether it was broken heart syndrome or not, I do have proof that I had a stroke in 2007. No doubt that was stress related and odds are an end result of it all combined.

2E273A6E-EA5B-488C-9577-C6CD8DBC438FThrough the years of dealing with such, I have learned to deal with and take care of myself and to heal the ache. While some of those times were building walls so that it would never happen again, from anyone, that is not good either. Life happens and we will be hurt and I have been. I recognize that sometimes these overwhelming times of distraught made me stronger. I made it through the last time, I can make it through this time, being resilient. I had to be.4C56003D-ACEB-4FAE-A4DD-95B1332ED944

Having my former counselor in 2014 for four years, I learned to acknowledge the hurt, notice where I felt the symptoms in my body, feel the feelings, name it, etc. while that helped and helps now, I believe most importantly pray for forgiveness of the one hurting you, which will release and bring the wall down that was readily to go up instantly. Not necessarily for them but for yourself.3BA54066-7984-4EE7-95F9-B7B466CBE294

We will all be hurt at some point and in different areas and also we must acknowledge that we will hurt others, too. It is life and how the world goes around.  Perhaps not meaning to be hurt or cause hurt but it happens.

Thankfully we have a Heavenly Father that knows all about us. He sees us as in pain from the hurt. He knew we built walls around us determined never to be done that way again. He sees and collects all of our tears, many times 7B5662BA-B0A6-4FF3-93AD-B3C3E7156E88thinking He has gallon jugs of my tears. He knows that we had or have unforgiveness in our heart. Still, He loves us. He patiently allows us to wallow in our despair and agony, kick and scream and act like brats at times. We are His children and He loves us. In time though, for complete joy, peace and happiness in life, we must turn to Him. God, I need you! He is right there waiting on us to call upon Him.

F62E596F-67B5-4A8D-A08D-28FE1B22AB14Only God can heal my broken heart and He has many times. The pain eases and I can trust Him that through it ALL, He knows me, He loves me. Same with you. We all will have times where it seems hopeless. Whatever or whomever has hurt you, causing pain in your life, turn it over and allow Him to heal your broken heart or pieces within. Trust Him!

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201102/broken-heart-syndrome

https://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/your-daily-prayer/a-prayer-for-when-your-overwhelmed-heart-aches-for-his-overwhelming-peace-your-daily-prayer-december-27-2016.html

A-Fib Fear

BDC8A620-C316-4C94-B67F-AA2AEE76FC56Can you tell by the title that I hate a-fib? I was diagnosed with this back in 2007 after realizing my numb ear and right side of my face felt funny, like no feeling at all and then a ringing in my ear that continues. Going to my son’s ENT, I passed with flying colors in my hearing test but he felt a MRI was needed. Done. When results were in, I was called to come back to the office, which I thought was odd. Taking time off work to do so caused stress in an already stressful job. As I sat there listening to the ENT, he felt I had MS so now I need to see a neurologist, which is more time.

The first neurologist available was one I could not understand and there was limited communication due to the language barrier. Although, I did understand her quick and pointed comments like, you had stroke. Well, I was certainly not expecting that. Now I needed to see a cardiologist. Does it ever end? After being against talking Coumadin (warfarin) for clotting purposes, now I would be afraid not to take it along with meds to control palpitations.

BEDE4EFD-64F3-4C0F-AC37-D1D0A8C4A414I have had my share of palpitations that have lasted for over twelve hours with my heartbeat being over 200. Then other times of the same, I do go to the ER and usually I go back into rhythm on the ride to the hospital so a wasted trip or the doctor says to go back home and wait it out. What is correct? While I prefer to not go to the ER, I know sometimes it is needed and that usually takes a three-day stay. Like I have said, I have experienced it all, even ambulance rides, if my heartbeat is high enough, I get the siren, too.

I have not had an episode for a couple of years. Strangely enough, my last two were in the month of May. Today is May 18th so what is it about May, I wonder. I was doing well today, decided to take a nap and woke up in a-fib. Great. Ugh.

There is a fear, although my heartbeat was only 135, that is more than normal. Can you imagine 220? Not fun at all.

49EC6B43-06A7-4F73-A09B-459EB1702051Today, waiting and trying things to relax and cope, I sensed fear. Afraid to be up on my feet due to possibility of passing out. It is in these times, you think of the ‘what if’ moments, as this could turn bad and take me out of this world.

Me being me, I think of everything that I do not have in order in case I die. A-fib will bring that much fear upon me and odds are others that experience this condition. There is a panic of when this passes, I will do this, that and other things to be prepared for the moment. While I make changes and all, I will never get things caught up.

Thankfully, this did not last long but takes my energy, as if you ran a marathon. I will be tired for a bit but at least I can read, write and watch tv. Still, I hate a-fib with a passion. There is so much I want to do in life and knowing this can cause my life to be cut short or have issues from it, makes me sad. Still, I cannot live in total fear but each palpitation, I realize what could come about.  Like a shadow of fear over my daily walk in life.

So if you also have a-fib, I understand. It is not fun. Hang in there.

I bought this unit years ago and it goes with me everywhere I go.  Alivecor… worth every cent, approximately $99. 65400786-07DE-4BCD-B75F-9C853C4F7D66