Black & White

C24AF4A8-F0EC-4893-BD4E-E75CAD79656EUntil about four years ago, I did not have a clue about Aspergers.  Since, it has been eye opening and firsthand experience, I have found.

Years upon years of struggling within my marriage, not understanding why we were not on the same wavelength,  plus our conversations were and are always black and white, saying the same thing but different ways.

While other issues came into play, too, just dealing with many times the confusion I felt, shaking my head and just seeing a cycle in routines, brought craziness to my mind, I finally decided to see a counselor.

Walking through her door, convinced I was going crazy in this marriage, she was able to put two and two together quickly, mentioning Aspergers of my husband.  I did not know about Aspergers and what I thought it was, I figured it was a child issue, not a full-grown adult.

Still week after week in our sessions while I poured out years of frustration to her, the same response.  Fine.  I will go research and see just what this Aspergers deal is that she mentions to me.

Oh my gosh!  Besides all the research, I found a book that clearly identifies what I have dealt with for years.  My counselor had him pegged from the beginning.  This was like a lightbulb moment in my life.  Plus, I am not crazy. Now some may question that comment.  lol   I am a neurotypical (NT) wife with an Asperger (AS or ASD) husband.

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Being in such a relationship, the neurotypical spouse may start to feel as also having Aspergers because you are in their world so much in order to relate.  That’s crazy enough, but true.  Still, it is the shaking your head moments to figure out which one you are, at times.  Today was one of them.

I thought it was interesting that soon after we solved the mystery, my counselor had attended  a workshop on Aspergers.  Two couples.  One couple newly married and knowing of Aspergers, which the husband had, they could accept and deal with differences.  Going into the marriage fully aware.  The other couple, married for years and learning of Aspergers, the wife was so done with this marriage and the Aspergers, which her husband had.  This skit she watched and told me about, made her think of me and guess which couple?  It is hard and it is a lonely life together.   Just a side note, women can have Aspergers, too.

While my husband has been a good provider for our family, some are not.  He is a nice man but has his quirks. Don’t we all?  Aspergers or not.  There is good and bad.

While I have a clue now what is happening, I think my understanding has helped but it is still hard and still lonely.  Just knowing for me now, I feel that ‘I get it’ when something odd is done or said and am more understanding of him.

Perhaps you know someone that might seem somewhat odd, is very intelligent and notice a lack of social skills, etc.  Perhaps, this could be what is going on.  My husband knew he was different than others and would often say, he is one french fry short of a Happy Meal but never knew why.  While that phrase is funny, it is really sad because it has affected our relationship.  Now knowing himself of having Aspergers, that is not of interest to him, which is typical, too.  I just shake my head and shrug my shoulders, as I would want to know more.F8942BD6-7791-4DB2-9206-E109DA9DAD15I have recently worked with a guy for years and my co-workers would state that he is odd.  Yes, he is but I understood him and the reason why.  Aspergers.

664f4e88-4904-4617-882f-c6bd7a128a14-15865-000003a53111bd92This book is very interesting and mine is underlined, highlighted and all marked up, just like my Bible.

While my former counselor and I were able to move on to other areas in my life, after determining Aspergers was what I was dealing with, it was a Godsend to have her.  I was blessed to have her in my life, and I know without a doubt that the Lord knew I needed her.8E1FED02-9CEB-4A34-A7AE-D82DB646EA89

Please know that there are many private Facebook groups available if you or somebody may need support in this area.  There are many books available along with Google and YouTube to gain further information.  Research!  I fully support and encourage counseling.  Aspergers is on the spectrum of Autism.

Hope this may help someone. 😊

 

Dumbfounded

F215FCA7-FBA6-4303-A3E8-0555B9025311Once upon a time…

All the good stories begin like this and what little girls (and boys) dream of but life happens and we just live, but not so happily ever after.

How many are just living but not really happy? That could be anyone, young, old, single, married, divorced.

flat editable vector illustrationJust today, I was reminded by the dumbfounded look I received when trying to mention a simple suggestion, not nagging, but found myself wanting to throw up my hands. I have had this look too many times through the years that makes me feel stupid. Either I am not verbalizing correctly or he is not understanding me. I give up, usually walking away with frustration and complaining under my breath.  My voice remains quiet as we exist under one roof, yet again. Not 316D7FC5-956D-4061-B755-963E4B9DC343worth losing my energy for such a draining moment that repeats each time. All I can guess is that this is just his Aspergers way of comprehending.  Lord, give me strength.

I know there are many marriages and relationships that struggle in one way or another. I have heard too much from many to believe otherwise. I am not alone. Even some people/couples that appear happy, write sweet posts on Facebook, sit on a church pew together and seem to have it all together.  Sad but happens.  Life happens.

I do know and have had to dig my heels in to keep going forward when at times I’d rather dig a hole and crawl in it to disappear, but I must keep my focus on the Lord.  He knows my name and He knows where I am.

So if you are reading this and just existing, know that the Lord loves you, He knows your name and He knows where you are. Trust Him in the process.

086A81D4-74F8-4A8D-ADCC-AEB2BD3F162ATaking care of you also is very important. You matter!

True happiness will only come with knowing the Lord and trusting Him. What happens day in and day out, and around you, happens. With all that, we must go to Him. Sometimes, asking Him what to do and for His Favor or if things went south, for His Forgiveness. I have been on both sides of that many times. His Grace and Mercy is forever.

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So Done, So Stuck

B55D7BA5-C109-42D4-90E4-EBF70E1617E4Tonight, when going out for a walk, I was reminded just how blah my marriage is and has been. Returning from my walk, him sitting on our porch reading his sci-if book, the same. No nothing! No joy, no expression, no emotion, no comment. Nothing. Like a living dead man.  In his own little world. I realize I deal with Aspergers with him, which I learned about just over four years ago from my former counselor.  To know that, helps knowing I am not crazy but living this way, can make one crazy. It is a sad, lonely life. For better or for worse, the wedding vows echo and will be told, while trusted ones that know my situation say, leave.

If you are wondering why I stay. Financially, I stay, as most wives do. Before and still, it’s because of the kids. Stuck.

To daydream of having a man to talk to and share that will understand, have empathy, to touch my face and wipe tears as they fall, to laugh and act like kids sometimes, to grab me and kiss or hug me for no reason at all but because he enjoys being with me, loves me and tells me so. Fun, I want fun and I need laughter whether in daily living, at an amusement park or in bed. Is this being unrealistic? Marriage or any relationship has its good and bad days but… every day, every year?

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To daydream about walking out the door and never return has not come for awhile but tonight it did. Leave it all. Just get in my car and leave. He can have it all, the house, savings, full benefits, bills, etc. Realizing, I have spent too many years to help build what we have and I am entitled to fifty percent of everything, I won’t just leave.  The thought of preparing to split everything fifty-fifty, sell our house, etc., I will have to do it and arrange all the details, as he won’t.  Nothing!  My body just aches of the thought of the burden I have carried and will carry to make this dream come alive. I’m tired.  So, I sleep and another day comes of the same.  Easier to dream of leaving it.

To daydream of just being free. I can breathe.

I have held on this far and I will continue. I have to trust that the Lord is allowing me to heal in areas to get strong within myself and one day, make my dream come true of having nothing of a marriage to having a life free of being and feeling drained.  I am taking care of me in my own life spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally.  It has taken me years to be where I am.  Life of joy and purpose is returning to me.

Lord, hear my cry, see my tears, read the words in my writing, I know you know my name, where I have been with this and where I am. I’m tired. There has to be more.

A great book if you or someone you know is dealing with Aspergers.

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Different Wavelengths

Sometimes, through the years I just want to throw my hands up.   Even today, the thought of going and doing something at a moments notice, becomes deadend.

Over the past thirty-three years together, unless I plan and make plans aware and down to the minute, things will not happen in this relationship.  No matter what it is.  Yes, sex, too.5A5CABA9-2B4C-47F8-A06A-26138023EB11

I do the planning, make financial decisions and no matter what, which is a lot of pressure on a wife.    Perhaps realizing just four years ago I have dealt with Aspergers, I get it now but still it does not ease the frustration of the past, present or future.

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Just today, the thought of going to a park I am unfamiliar with but he knows, I thought it would be a nice time to walk and enjoy the cool, crisp air with sun on my face.  Of course, he is walking the dog and the daylight hours were nearing and that would be mentioned when I brought up this brilliant idea and time wasted on details of such fact.  This is how it happens.  Never ending.  So, I usually go on my own and keep moving forward with, or most times, without him.

Is this typical with other Asperger couples?  Never on the same wavelength and it becomes lonely and sad.  I want more in life and fun.  Just no connection.

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Square Bushes

For whatever reason, my mind jumped to the day my husband trimmed our bushes in our landscape after I had surgery.  This task was mine through the many years of home ownership and landscape care. 14c5f51f-9efe-4952-8db7-5b3d2f7ea116

Everybody has their own way of doing things and their opinions, which is fine but the OCD in me and the Aspergers in him collide.  This has happened so many times in our marriage to the point of craziness within me and no doubt within him, perhaps.

Since, learning of Aspergers just four years ago from my counselor and doing my own research, I have become more tolerant of him.  It is fair to say, I feel less crazy, too, by knowing why he does things, which is normal with Aspergers.

So often, I wish I had known going into our marriage what I was dealing with.  I think the outcome would possibly be different, but not certain.

Just the other night, he made a comment of something he does that is odd and as he recognized it and said, that’s just me.  I confirmed that in him, that’s just you and there is nothing wrong with that.  Oh my gosh, who am I?, I thought.  Before I would have rolled my eyes and let him criticize himself with the negative talk.  We went on our merry way while shopping.

While we all have our own idiosyncrasies, patience is always needed for one another.  The day of the square bushes, I remember so well, the shock within me seeing them.  Now, I can laugh.

cb5dc8ad-5d67-4122-b8f5-bad49a99f162Taking time to thank him for helping but to help him understand that trees, bushes and all do not grow square, look around.  Plus, it makes a yard look old, yuck.  With some direction, it was time to do some adjustments on the bushes to make them look more natural and, of course, time to grow out.  We still laugh over this at times.

986f0f64-3d8a-47be-8f9e-baed519c1c3fWe all have rough edges and we all grow and learn in different stages.  In myself, I am not where I want to be but I am not where I was.  We have to be kind to ourselves and understand it’s a process.

With others, we need patience because we do not know what they are dealing with.

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Perhaps this is just a reminder to me today, of what I might be faced with as my day begins, I don’t know.  In life, there are square bushes.

Enjoy your day! 😊

Left Untold

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The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

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Coffee First!

5423BE40-FAFA-4BFC-9825-475A6700B5D0 Shhhhh….

Don’t talk to me this morning, I’m not ready yet.  To deal with your humming or your morning voice.

Just let me be and pour my coffee to drink in solitude so I can get my act together without yours in my way.

No promises about later, I may need another cup.  Thank goodness, I don’t drink anything stronger than this.

Years of unhappiness as we are strangers under one roof, other wives would run screaming, but here we are.  E27C49BF-C9D9-41F7-BAB4-35721D8C12D4

Another day, another year, I wonder how much coffee I have had to drink.

Pour me another cup of Joe!

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