Divorce

No Bounce Back

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

2021 Happy New Year!

I am such a party animal, on New Years Eve I was in bed at 10:30 p.m. No party, no celebration, no nothing, nothing out of the ordinary, year after year. The house was quiet as a mouse. As I awakened, hearing the neighbors shooting off fireworks, I knew we were in 2021, and I rolled over and mumbled Happy New Year to the cat.

As I laid there thinking while trying to fall back asleep, knowing many go out and celebrate, ringing in the New Year, which has been a blur but remembrances of loneliness through the many years remain. For whatever reason, my mind went back many years ago of my counselor trying to get me to open up and talk through the depressed state I was exhibiting.

I could see her, telling me and showing that conversation is back and forth, like passing a ball back and forth, a beach ball was her visual. It takes at least two people to pass the ball back and forth, it’s more fun. As I pondered the years feeling alone, to remember that I love to slow dance but it’s hard with just one. I love to laugh and have fun, but it is impossible when he is humdrum. I’m not one to go out, drink and party whether it be a New Years Eve celebration, etc., but every once in awhile, just to have fun, as there is none. The seriousness in this man under the same roof is as dry as a desert in the hot sun. My exhaustion level increases if I even try to say something, all I get each and every time is a ‘What?’ It takes him time to process what I say whether a word, sentence or comment. I believe this is normal of having Aspergers, I get it. Understanding Aspergers more, I find it best to remain quiet and that’s no fun. I don’t have it in me anymore to bounce the ball after all of these years.

Slowly through the years, I am making and have made some changes and moving along when years ago, I saw no hope to do so. I felt stuck. My counselor and I would discuss issues to solve in order to move forward, and I would hopelessly reply to her that it cannot be done and I don’t know how. Now, almost four to five years later what we discussed is now complete. A miracle. I moved onto the next area, which was conquered, too. Progress was being made but I again am at a huge wall where I say I cannot do this, I don’t know how.

What I do know is to wait, ‘Be Still… and know that I am God.’ This verse is placed in front of me to see and read wherever I turn, whether at home or at work.

Today I have more hope and faith to prove in time I will know what and when to push through the wall that is blocking me now. I will have yet another but this one is huge. As I stated before, I know to take one task at a time and one day at a time. Often praying as in the past, ‘Lord I have to trust you. I don’t know how to do (whatever it is hindering me) but You will open doors and make a way when it is time.’ I’m not giving up and just die although it has certainly felt as if I would before going through this valley of death. I’m going through!

Again and again over the years, I would say, ‘Lord, surely the rest of my life will not be this way. There has to be more.’ I do know that timing is everything, even when I feel the clock has stopped and I am stuck once again. I know to be patient and hold on as soon the way forward will come about and I will see it done, as before. Just like that. His power, not mine. I stand in amazement, my faith increases and I become stronger within.

I may not have a partner to bounce the ball back to me, but I know who provides the breaths of air within me. To look over my life, even from a child, the Lord has been right there with me. When my faith was weak and I felt hopeless as each New Year came and I felt so alone, I knew He was and is with me. I hold on tight and say, ‘Lord I don’t understand but I trust You, I have to trust You.’

My plans are not His plans. He knows the desires of my heart. I know to wait and He will direct my path to move forward, which will be easy and quick. I have seen it too many times, as have my counselors when facing a wall that I cannot do this and I don’t know how. One day, it is done! Let’s move forward to the next. I wait.

The New Year is here. We are all uncertain what the year holds but we made it through the last one and it had all sorts of surprises and problems. We made it!
Let’s hope and pray that there is no bounce back from 2020, now that it is 2021.

Maybe one day before I die, I will have someone to bounce a ball with and enjoy laughter along the way. I do have hope.

Note: To be open and vulnerable in this blog is not easy. Do I post, do I not, is it just me writing? It hasn’t been easy, my health has taken some blows from it all. What I do know is that I am not the only one dealing with this issue and hopelessness felt in a marriage, feeling alone. There are many around us pretending to be a happy couple who is suffering within. It was once me. No more pretending, I’m too,old. Perhaps my path will lighten those that relate and provide hope. The beach ball can bounce again!

https://www.drcarolministries.com/how-to-know-if-you-are-released-from-your-marriage/

https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/3-reasons-why-we-stay-in-unhappy-marriages

https://www.verywellmind.com/throwing-the-towel-in-marriage-2300478

Christmas Angels

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

A long time ago, in a far away land. Not really, just our back yard, there was once a couple with children that found it fun to decorate outside at Christmas. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, filled with lights, beauty, happiness and joy all around.

Of course, I would want to do all sorts of decorations and it was so pretty. I wanted my boys to enjoy the Christmas season. Inside, there was always a toss up with colored and white lights. My oldest and I disagreed on the lights for the living room Christmas tree. I wanted white, he wanted color. Crazy enough, now in his own home, he has white lights and now I have color. I haven’t asked, but I wonder if his wife wanted the white lights. The boy cannot win.

Presents are wrapped and some may have a small item in a big box. I have been known to put many wrapped boxes inside one another to make a big box, like those little dolls. It’s fun to buy socks and tie them together with ribbon and stuff in a paper roll. They pull and pull and pull and finally get to the end and look at me. Mom!?! They loved it, as I did. Fun! The magic of Christmas is what I wanted for them and also for me, from young to old, we need to enjoy.

The holiday season brings up memories and I remembered one the other day. I had always wanted those large white, wired angels with white lights and I finally found after searching for years, so I got two. Beautiful angels. We placed them in the front yard for a couple of years. I then had a bright idea. Since I had a big wooden Cross I used in the back yard, by our deck and lit up at Christmas, I wanted the angels to go back there also. Our yard is an acre with a slight grade that faces a two lane highway. The Cross stayed by my deck and I put both angels at the bottom of the yard, facing each other, about six feet apart (social distancing) and each had a horn, almost taller than me. With many strands of light, white lights, of course, we made a pathway open by the angels at the bottom of our yard that led up to the Cross. Another sign that said ‘One Way.’ Anyway, it was beautiful. We did this for a few years, too.

It was when working on this display one cold night, walking up the yard. I walked up the path from the angels to the Cross. It was pretty cool. Half way up our yard, I look over and my husband is on the outside of the path. Later, a few years, we had tried to work on our marriage, I think we both did. Looking over at him, it has just been like this forever, never on the same page, or same path as in this case.

It was when this path of the angels up to the Cross was mentioned to our marriage counselor at the time, of me on the inside and he is on the outside. He tells our counselor that I could have pulled him in the path. Okay, but he could have walked in the path to join me. The path was a resemblance of going to the Lord, to me. End result, neither one of us did anything to change our walk.

After that winter and counseling sessions, the two angels were never lit or used again, they stayed in the shed. The Cross was not lit although it still remained in our yard. I think now it is behind the shed, as he got tired of mowing around it. He put it away so it is probably broken down just like our marriage.

Several years ago, we had a yard sale. The angels were a part of the sale. I could have made money on these two, tall beautiful angels. Many offers were made to buy, even offers to buy out the lady who bought them, etc. I just wanted them out of my sight. To have them even out in the open, brought back memories of many years I would have rather forgotten and not lived through. The lady got a great deal. A loss for me in many ways but off they went to a new home.

The other day when driving through our neighborhood looking at Christmas decorations, I thought of the angels. This back yard scenario will always be a part of my memories or as I see others displayed, I will think of those angels we had once. The lady that bought them is within a fifteen-mile radius and she welcomed me to come see them. Thanks, but no thanks.

I do hope that the two angels bring a joy to their new home wherever they may be and to those that look at them.

The term angel literally means “messenger,” and it is in this prominent role that angels take part in the Christmas story. An angel appeared to Mary to announce the birth of Christ (Luke 1:26-38). … Understandably, images of angels have become a familiar symbol of Christmas.

 

A Good Heart, Dies

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

All week, I keep coming back to the comment that says, be worried when we don’t talk and I don’t share. It means I’m done!

I watch what is happening and the distance growing like wild fire. I am okay with it. I’m done! Perhaps he is done, too. Odds are, he is okay with it also. It’s over and coming to a close. The timing is right on time. One more big hurdle to overcome and the curtains close, no further acts to follow or hoops to jump through. I see it falling into place. Sadly, there is an excitement.

As I pondered this scenario and remembered back of all the years, certain comments, situations, etc., I felt sad but I realize that I needed to walk over some shards of glass to be tough enough to stand tall today. Painful years feeling alone in a relationship. Perhaps the Aspergers I just learned about and is as clear as day in him. A good man but it takes a desire to be a better man and husband. The wife is not to do it all, she wears thin and develops health issues. That is not fair, as I contemplate recently with my health, yet again. I am paying dearly and have while he walks with his head in the clouds and mine is near the burial ground. Lord, I want to live and be happy before I die, my mind rehearses over and over as tears seep out at times.

So many details or water under the bridge, as they say, but so little time or even interest to deal with the past. The one I remember this morning was when we were in our early marriage, I asked why he never said I was beautiful to him or I would have been happy with being pretty to him. The comment made and from him as a compliment, was that I had a good heart. While that is nice and true, the enemy had a hay day with me. Convinced and confirmed that I am not pretty and that I am ugly. An area I had always dealt with in life, he was the one to say it. If I would go back through my journals and many notes written of my thoughts and cries on paper, I would say that I gave up then. Not knowing how to deal with this. I am nothing but his wife and a mother to our children. Thank God, I had the children to love and recognize what real love was because I never knew before, in life. Neither one will ever have to doubt my love for them.

The quietness surrounds each of us, as there is no further communication, unless absolutely necessary. Many would be long gone, whether it be the wife or the husband, in most cases. Knowing him, he will not move unless I said to do so and made preparations to ease his journey. I stayed in order to get the help and healing within myself to move forward. Year after year of having a good heart, the heart weakens in many ways. It has taken years to get to this point and there is joy within that I had lost. A slow move but to a much better place. I have faith and I have hope. In God’s eyes, I am beautiful.

Psalm 139 says, God knitted us together in our mother’s womb (verse 13), carefully detailing our shape and outline and artistically forming our idiosyncrasies.

Psalm 139:14 says, I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Genesis 1:27 says, God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

“Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship,” – Amelia Earhart

Why Should Men Worry When Their Woman Goes Silent

https://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitness/signs-your-relationship-is-dead.html/

https://biblereasons.com/womens-beauty/