Grouchy Pants

Tonight, I relived yet again the sound of a flat, monotone man, reminding me of all the years with him, yes with a roll of the eyes and a cringe. It is past his bedtime and we have a cat outside, in the freezing temps, as he calls for it. When I ask a question or see of any luck, I get the dreaded sound. Like a pout, boo boo, I want my bed, I need my sleep, it is past my bedtime. Life ends at 10:00 pm in our household, that has been since from day one. The cats even have to be in and quiet. Yes, and strangely enough they are, like he has programmed them. Well, so am I programmed basically.

Many women, wives, that I have had the opportunity to share a group for wives of Aspergers spouses, I hear this so often. The look, the voice, nothing but a stare. We are left to manage or figure out things and take care of matters. Knowing I am not alone in this endeavor feels good, as this has only been available to me the past six years. The previous twenty-nine years, I dealt with it, learn to despise and finally to the point of it all making me feel completely crazy. Thank God I had a counselor that pinpointed what was happening and what I was dealing with.

Many do not know about Aspergers or understand. I did not until 2014, which turned on a light in my dark, lonely tunnel I was living in. There is so much to this and the routine of it all, is amazing, especially with mine. Meeting or socializing can only be maintained in short periods and then a shutdown, which is typical in most. Whether it be with me, kids, his parents, company or whoever and I am left holding the conversation or visit, if it is bedtime or a ritual that is set.

So much. So much flooded my mind as I opened the door. Why did I even do that? Closing it, on the grouchy pants outside, he is just that, especially after his bedtime.

Thinking back of when we had kids and those teenage years when boys are just being boys, that did not go over well. Many times, I am sitting with them as their dad appears at the door to remind them to be quiet. I, too, as his wife and their mother was in trouble. I understand respect of being quiet at bedtime but not putting the fear of him on our kids, and me. No.

Try having a newborn and keeping it quiet after 10:00 pm. Not possible. The only thing was to go in the other room and tend to this beautiful child by holding him close to nurse and both of us falling asleep on the couch night after night, for months, if not a year. He did not care. He needed his sleep uninterrupted, just as he is today.

I wonder how he will be when he is older. Actually, I do not want to know. Jokingly, I have told him that if he even gets like his dad, I will put his butt in a nursing home. He thinks I am kidding.

So the grouchy pants of him has now made me grouchy thinking back of all the years I have dealt with this. Oh the stories I could tell. This story is yet to be continued but it repeats itself, day after day.

Here is some information that you or another may find helpful.

Come Home

Here we all are. Again with shutdowns happening, fear being increased and are to avoid our own family for Thanksgiving and you and I both know, Christmas also, already, the same. Plus, stay locked up in our four walls while it feels our world is falling apart. In the meantime, many feel they are doing the same. How many will be in total hopelessness as this continues? If not already.

The other night, I read the mandates and knowing day by day it will probably increase with rules and directions of what we should and should not do. How much more? Many cannot take much more. My heart hurts for them and those that have lost and will lose loved ones, businesses, jobs and their homes. If I am overwhelmed at times, how many more around me feel the same or those further away. We are all in this together.

I have heard the words, “While we enjoy Thanksgiving with our loved ones, in January we will be planning a funeral.” Talk about fear. Talk about reality. What do we do? What is right? What is wrong? It seems like the very beginning of this pandemic, we all became aware of this virus, confusion has been in the midst. It continues. Loud and clear, they clammer. Just stay home! Stay secluded. .

Many will disregard the rules and mandates, as we have all seen and heard. Many still detest the mask wearing. Just wear the mask and wash your hands. It’s that simple. Opinions and thoughts along with the rolling of eyes are made if a plan is made and shame for doing so is added. Many will plan to gather with family members and friends. Some will lower their number in attendance to help stop spreading the virus.

I have not seen my youngest son since July 4th. My oldest, I did see last month briefly but no hugs and the distance was too much for me as his mom. I wrote more about this in my blog, The Bubble.

In my case, I have narrowed down my Thanksgiving gathering to just my immediate family and my daughter-in-law’s parents. They need to see their daughter and I need to see my sons. Our children, no matter how old, need to see their parents. Might I add, my son could not have picked a better set of in-laws and wife. We used to have MIL’s day out and shop or walk a marathon or two, until this pandemic. We are all family. Normally, I would have up to fifteen in the house so I have cut this to help, and I hope we all do well. I dislike that the other family members are not getting together in our home, for yet another holiday. I hate this virus, period.

I so want to hug my boys but I am afraid to hug them, too. As I wrote before in a blog, if it was just my chance of getting sick and possibly dying, okay, but I want to hug my boys. I also have to consider, what if I hug them and they get sick. The mom guilt would always haunt me. What if I do get this virus and die? The ‘what if’ and questions that follow of what is right and what is wrong just toss in my head, from day to day. Fear of living. I am sure I am not the only one that is feeling this tug, and a grieving.

Mentioning this to a medical technician the other day while I was having a test, we discussed families being together, and my ‘what ifs’ and her comment was, ‘You may not have another Thanksgiving.’ True! In her words, my mind was made up, and I felt more peace as we will gather together.

Of course, later I had to wonder about what she saw in my ultrasound, knowing I may not make it to the next one. Just a passing thought that I could have got serious about and worry or I could laugh, which I did. We do not know what tomorrow holds or even next year. I am going to see my boys (grown men) on Thanksgiving.

Living in fear is not the answer. I have lived with fear shadowing me majority of my life. As we all go about our daily lives, we are around people unknowingly that may be contagious and we make choices to be around others in work possibly the same, getting gas, groceries, etc. So, as a family, we choose to be together with the ones we love. It just might be our last time together.

We do not know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow. I have to trust God and not live in fear.

My cry is to and for my children and that is to ‘Come Home’ and that they feel the peace and comfort, being reminded and knowing they are loved. Praying constantly for them yesterday, today and all of the tomorrows. If I am apprehensive with all that we are experiencing, they also are and need to be reminded of their mom’s love along with her prayers, and having parents here for them.

May your Thanksgiving be a time to enjoy and love your family and friends, whether in person or on a Zoom call. May each of you be in good health.