Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen? I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.
Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give. The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.
It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair. Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.
Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten. The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.
It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay. I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it. Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.
There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too. Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally. Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received. Numb. Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.
Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy. My heart breaks a little more through the pain.
You take one day at a time When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.
The only hope is the Lord. I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.