Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen? I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.
Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give. The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.
It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair. Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.
Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten. The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.
It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay. I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it. Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.
There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too. Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally. Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received. Numb. Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.
Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy. My heart breaks a little more through the pain.
You take one day at a time When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.
The only hope is the Lord. I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.
Today I realized I still deal with rejection in my older years. From childhood, this remains while I understand it happened through my counseling sessions. Never to this degree that I knew it had ahold on me, still.
While the rejection was not really directed at me, I assumed the feeling and just about lost it.
Working on a tax issue at work, I was given the information and amounts involved. I went to the Clerk’s office to make payment of such. Usually, this trip is speedily but today, the clerk made it her main job to check off and inform me that the numbers were not right, the amounts were wrong, the total payment was incorrect. All I could hear was Reject Reject Reject.
Thinking to myself and getting irritated, I did not just pick this information out of thin air but given it like all other tax bills payable from my office.
The slow motion and precise job that she was portraying was grating on my last nerve. I could feel my emotions changing, the fear of rejection rise within me, embarrassment if I made the costly mistake and failure within was booming in my head. The root of rejection was taking hold, in full force.
When she finally would not accept the payment because it was wrong, handing me the check and paperwork, I said I just want to get out of here. A task that normally would take a few minutes turned into a half hour.
What she did not know and I realized once I left and calmed down to think through, my amount is correct. Tomorrow, I will once again go and deliver the tax check.
With all that, we do not know what another is going through or experiencing in life. Have grace. Not just with another but also yourself.
We all need Grace.