Within Us

Just yesterday sitting across from my new counselor, feeling at ease and comfortable talking.  The same ordeal exists that I have dealt with for years and I still do not know exactly what to do or go about it.  So, I take day by day that turns into years.  Perhaps the codependency in me, fear and just pure exhaustion from it all.  One of the reasons I attend counseling sessions, to get clarity and strength within me but I am not there yet.  My patience is wearing thin, not with the counselor but with myself.  Sometimes though with the Lord.

7F093816-B1E1-4D2D-8FA3-EF6F1F3F839Ctend to feel as though my wheels are in the mud spinning trying to get out of a hole.  I’m stuck!

As we discussed and tossed out ideas and dreams of my own, still the burden is on me to make decisions, to plan, organize, etc.  It is not as easy as some may think or offer their two cents.  It brings a hopeless feeling.

Many times, my cries to the Lord is that I do not know what to do or to how to go about it, I need help.  Then doubt arises, just as it did yesterday, maybe I am not hearing Him.  Of course, more negative thoughts come, such as it’s me, it’s my fault, I am a mess and so on to the point of my thoughts of I am the crazy one in this relationship.  The muddy hole just got bigger.  While I don’t stay in this despair long nowadays, it exists and makes itself known.  I dig myself out once again, knowing my circumstances.

I realize that counseling is talking through problems, issues in life from childhood to present to help one understand themselves.  If it had not been for the past four years with my former counselor, I do not know where I would be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.  While I still deal with issues, I am not the same person walking through her door the first time.  Thank God.

Even yesterday with my new counselor, discussing some of the same issues as we become more familiar with one another and areas of life, I believe a new level of faith will arise within me.  The Lord is not going to leave me where I am.  I have to believe that.  If you are going through things, you also must trust Him.

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Yesterday, she said that strength is within me.  While I know that, it is easy to forget.  Knowing what I have gone through, dealt with and changes I have made so far, I do believe her.  With that, I wonder why I need her if that is the case.  It is because I get stuck in the mud at times.  I totally support and encourage counseling.   As I ponder this today, I just wish somebody would give me a step-by-step method and tell me how and what to do.

Just writing that, the thought was, you do have a manual, the Bible.  With that, I know it is written of the timing of God, He will not leave me nor forsake me, He has a plan and a purpose for me and so many more verses.  What hope He brings and peace going through issues in life.   He’s got my back!  He’s got your back!

While I have trusted my former and present counselors, I have a Counselor that knows all about me, knows my name, where I am and where I am going.  I have had to trust Him through this and now, still trust Him.

I believe when I am strong enough, in all areas and not stuck in that mud as I relate to, He will allow everything fall into place.

We must trust Him as we all get stuck in the mud at times.

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God Winks

B2EA2A90-D200-4A8E-A23C-07AA7ED8872BIn all of these years, I had never heard the term, God Winks. Why is that? I have had many, to think of, just the Favor of God. Basically the same. I have and no doubt you have had situations come about that only God could orchestrate and faith would be increased with joy in your heart to experience.

This past week, I was telling my present counselor about my week and this one situation. While I was thrilled, he was quite ecstatic because he promptly said that was no coincidence, that was a God Wink. I totally agreed.

1DDC170A-AB01-468C-8496-763D21B1BDE6The more I gave thought to it, I was just thankful to God all this time, but then realized how he was so right, it was no coincidence. Thankfully, I just tend to have stuff like this happen in my life and think how cool is that but also thankful and happy. It is so God. He is showing me that He knows exactly where I am. How cool is that?!?

Last Sunday morning was running a little different and out of routine, as my son was in for the weekend but leaving to go back to his place. I was getting ready for church but was getting off kilter, as he is never rushed. I managed and we still enjoyed our time talking. Knowing my church service was the late one, I still had time. Soon though, time got away from me but finally got him on the road and me, too.

Living only ten miles from the church, I had time to get there on time. I travel a windy two-lane highway and usually no problem at all, nice and slow they say. Well, that is exactly what happened. Moving just fine and then nice and slow. Traffic was backed up for several miles. I’m thinking a wreck perhaps but later learned a detour from the main interstate. Slowly inching my way toward church, I come close to a church where my former counselor attends.

It has been now seven months since our last session due to her leave. I have so missed her and have struggled with abandonment and fighting depression but improving. Trying hard to understand but there is still a grief. After four years together in weekly sessions, she was a big part of my life.

So as I approach the parking lot to her church, I could see her car at a distance. Just seeing her car as I pass weekly, as I go to my church and seeing she is at her church, it makes me feel good, knowing she is there and okay.

As I inch my way up the road, the thought came that I will miss seeing her once again although the parking lot was pretty empty.  I was kind of bummed but then I see her car move and come toward the exit. My car was coming up on the church exit, which allowed her to pull out in front of me. It was just as if we planned it.  No, that was the Favor of God or a God Wink, as my new counselor said.

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As her car is now in front of mine, my heart was beating so fast of the excitement of this happening and also seeing her.  Sometimes I am just amazed how such a rare situation can happen with me. It does but it has been a long time. I so needed that whole scenario to happen and no doubt the Lord knew I needed just that. He is so good.

Looking ahead of my car, she was able to pull out on the road with many cars in line behind me and no traffic coming in the other direction. It was like the cars all around us stood still. We could not have timed this any better, only God could. I think she was happy to see me, too.

God Winks. Look for them. 2FAE5D2A-7F51-4487-846C-D547B1E10B98

“Every so-called coincidence or answered prayer is God’s way of letting you know He’s thinking of you.

“An event or personal experience, often identified as coincidence, so astonishing that it is seen as a sign of divine intervention, especially when perceived as the answer to a prayer.”

God +‎ wink; coined by SQuire Rushnell, author

Thrown Out to the Wolves

2C082FB0-2E80-42E6-BB9B-CD20F2D371D6Due to many weeks of building construction and using a side door to get to my counseling session, now many months ago, it was exciting to watch the progress and new facelift of the building be revealed.   I enjoy renovations.

It was during this construction and after my counseling sessions, my counselor would walk me to the side door, which was nice of her to do although uncomfortable. Knowing that she had to unlock the door to let me out and re-lock once out, I got that.  Plus, I liked that she was secure in a now empty building.

For whatever reason though, each time we walked through the hallway to the exit and usually I am tagging behind her a couple of steps, I felt a sense of dread.

Our session was over, so just random everyday talk while walking was awkward.  I could talk to her about my life, what my weekend plans were, etc., but hers could muddy the water as her personal life is off limits unless she opened up, which was rare and I understand that, too.  Once when on the walk to the door, passing the main office, she said the office secretary was a friend.  I get that, I do, but just another part of me not accepted to be in her life as a friend, because I am a client, rejection hit my heart.

I would love to be friends with her but I need her expertise in counseling.  Still the walk to the exit of dread, knowing she is her friend, I am not, my emotions of sadness and even jealousy smacked me around for a bit.

Oh the dreaded walk.  After the second time, I knew I could not do that again.  To have a few extra minutes with her was nice but not either.  It is like a kick of her foot on my backside of saying get out when at the door.  Odds are a childhood feeling and my adult life of not being wanted and triggered.  Imagine that!

The one good thing was the last words I heard her say to 6B450AC9-995C-471D-AD57-2804572B05B5me at our last session.  As we were ending our session, at the door to once again do the walk, I stopped and asked her to not walk me out.  Give me a couple of minutes and then lock the door.  My explanation to her was that I felt like she was throwing me out to the wolves.  That is how I felt and I could not take that again.  Her reply was, hesitating but then with a smile and feeling pleased I feel was, ‘you are taking care of you.’  We parted ways never to see each other again.

As much as I miss her and our sessions, that was a good parting of ways.  I am glad that the moment was etched in my brain of this ending.  I am taking care of me and will continue.  I feel the Lord is healing broken places within me, and I want. 534CC35E-E7FB-4D02-9504-0C4DE6425A32

Even though situations in life can throw us through some memories to trigger the feelings within us and make us feel unwanted, rejected, bring sadness, and whatever else, it is then that we must know that the Lord will never throw us out to the wolves.  He loves us.

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Always Searching

FBFDEB86-FA98-4CFA-8208-F85F595C43D4Today as I go about life on my day off cleaning and doing the mundane things keeping a house, my many breaks tend to leave me researching for whatever is before me.  It’s finding out information and learning.  Google has become my best friend at times, always there, 24/7.

Even today, my mind is bogged down with questions.  I need advice and direction.  What would be nice is to talk 9DC5C451-2B7E-4A64-A913-963B7FC39F29to my former counselor and to get her perspective but that door has closed.  I’m left to search and ponder the unknown until there is an answer or peace in knowing what I think is okay and doing.  Time!

It is good to stretch your brain to learn but it becomes lonely when there is nobody you can turn to that will understand or validate the chaos within.  While yes, ‘nobody’ is a big field to say,  but there are some things that I would rather not discuss with many and at times proven to be the case.

AA7BA65A-E3D3-4208-A5C2-B3646A9FB7B0Searching.  It comes down to and to be reminded that we are to seek God and He will give us truth, answers and faith.  He is there 24/7.  He wants us to search and know Him.

Lord, I need direction, I need answers and most of all, I need You.  It’s as simple as that, and peace in the unknown comes as we put our trust in Him.

We will always be searching for this or that in life but it is when we trust Him, peace will come and that He will give us what we need, at the time we need.  God’s Timing!

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A Changing Heart

EA46BC12-7A8B-49FE-B638-1CA236B7E3B6On Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church in anticipation, as I truly love my late church service, I felt time was moving so slow.   What was I doing so different than other mornings, as each time I looked at the clock, it only moved minutes from the last observance.

As I drove toward church, with extra time, I went out of my way knowing the traffic from the earlier service would be chaotic due to a recent addition made so I drove around.  Time being available but also in hopes of passing someone that I had not seen for months.

07B036A7-ACE5-4A4C-9FC2-7045D831AEDDIn all that, I found my memories, thoughts and emotions were being affected. My heart becoming heavy and fighting back tears due to grief felt.  Aware of the sadness, as I found my seat, I tried to immerse myself in the worship once the music began.  I tried and did but it was a battle.

As I began to worship and realize that the Lord knows the hurt and grief within, I know He loves me, is healing broken pieces within me and has a plan for me.  He will not let this pain go to waste.

95CEFA90-2892-4F8B-83F6-46B49994BC3FIt was then when I felt light hearted and a refreshing come over me.  It was when I put my eyes, my thoughts and worship toward Him. I could feel joy.

To walk in heavy hearted and to leave light hearted, just within that time period was evidence and knowledge enough to know I am (we are) to look to Him and praise Him.   Acknowledge Him continuously in our daily lives, not just in church.  EDD028E1-1AED-4A58-89F9-3D7F31DF8F6B

People will let us down over and over, disappointments come and things in life just happens but perhaps and many times to push us toward Him.  A lesson learned and repeated but worth it.

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Give Me Wings

7DD93F9D-AFF6-4033-8F57-39878479ED16
I wish I had wings like a dove.
I would fly away and find rest.  
Psalm 55:6  
Good News Translation 
Ever feel that way?  Sure you have.
Thinking back, I remember when my father was alive and had a feeding tube.  I had to go to his home four times a day, starting at 5:30 a.m. At that time, I had two active boys under the age of six, at times worked at the church, and watched other children in my home, not to mention the other things that came caring for a home/family.  I was exhausted.
Walking up to my Dad’s home, about two blocks away, I often looked up at the dark, clear sky seeing all the stars and would say, if I could just fly away.  Thankfully, buying the house several years before, was a definite God thing because I could not have done this otherwise; to care for him daily, his home and my own.  As tiring as it was, I have no regrets taking care of him, just wish I had more time.
On top of all of this, dealing with grief from my mother’s recent death, my marriage was dying.  I knew it deep within but had to function as best as I could in the roles before me.
Each day turned into the next and you just make the most of it, I know I did or I at least tried.  It wasn’t long until my father died and then the estate and sure enough family issues.  There is always somebody that causes discord within the family and this in-law did just that to cause division.  Does it ever end?
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Even today, thinking back of everything that I endured, I really do not know how I did it.  But God…..  He saw me.  He heard me.  He collected my tears.  He had heard all the nasty lies about me.  If it had not been for Him, I would not be here today.  It took its toll on me and family issues with estates are pure hell.
T9BD1EC50-D334-4E56-9301-6F1E881275B3oday, as I do my job and watch the clock ready to leave the office, I am tired and ready for a vacation, which is only six weeks away.  I am so ready.  I found myself saying, if only I was a bird, I’d fly away, which brought back years of memories.
Sometimes life can get overwhelming in so many areas to where you’ve had enough.  It’s at those times, you pray that the Lord uphold you with His right hand.  Cover you with His wings and shelter you and give you peace.
Trust Him 9EACD893-AD30-4D74-8677-32D9F42E2707