Timeline & Tears

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Many years ago, well back in 2014-15 actually, which seems like forever ago, my counselor then had me do a timeline of my age, as early as I could remember. Strangely enough, I do remember a lot, even as far back of holding a cold glass baby bottle of milk in my hands. Why would they give toddlers glass baby bottles? Yes I am old and thankfully we have come a long way. Still today, if I do drink really cold milk in a glass, it takes me back to that time. Perhaps it was hot and the coldness was refreshing for me as a very young little girl.

Memories can pop up in the feel as a cold glass of milk, a smell of a perfume or the aroma of a cigarette reminding me of a Dutch Masters cigar, my dad would smoke, just out of the blue, perhaps a sound of a old song often heard growing up or just feeling the breeze blowing and going back in time. CBE0E364-DFC8-49B1-81A1-F4D23822BC5DIt’s fun and nice as well as relaxing, like a mini vacation by taking in that moment of time.

Of course, there are always those other times and memories that we would rather forget.

In the good and even the bad, it brought us to where we are today.

So with the timeline she had me do, I started another recently, as I need some further clarification of my past. Connecting the dots, as they say.

4682BC64-8BD3-4E45-AE94-CB93BB6CF8FECrazy enough, I have kept a lot of my planners and journals throughout my life. I always felt I needed to. Perhaps this is the time, for that very reason. It sounds like I am a hoarder but I am not, as I do not like clutter. I do know how to organize though and how to make space more efficient.

As I go through my papers and now file by year, breaking down my path, it has made those memories of certain years bring up emotions within me. The other day, it was anger. Today, grief was at an all-time high. I know all of this would not be a surprise to my former counselor, but we just did not get to this place and time together.

I try not to read my notes too much but just the dates in order to file for the timeline. Sometimes I do read a bit here and there and it takes me down a rabbit hole of despair and depression. I can’t go there yet. Today, just the dates in my planners brought up memories, as if they were yesterday. I really don’t know how I handled everything in 1995, mind-67F5D09A-01AC-4292-B95C-7CDF3B20E473boggling. There is a purpose in this madness but this is only a step forward, as I know timing is everything.

Spending a little bit of time here and there going through my years of memories written down, I am not constantly putting myself through torment. I can walk away for a day or so to process what I did read. I need a break, more than a few days, after today. It’s okay!

At times though, just in the brief time already, it felt like I was digging in the trenches and the mud is covering me and keeping me stuck. Although, I feel the sun shining upon me also, giving me joy and hope. A mix of it all but moving forward with answers and hopefully healing within.7DC359AF-581A-44CD-B515-154169919735

There is a purpose and a plan with it all, always has been, and it will by the Grace of God, come into fruition. Through it all, He knew my name and He always knew where I was. That was my hope then, now and the tomorrows before me. In the end, the Lord will get the glory of what He has done and is doing in my life.

 

While this is my timeline, you have one, too! He has a plan and a purpose for each of us. We my detour but even with that, He will get us to where we are to be.

If God places a desire in your heart then it’s a part of his plan, which means he has plans for it. … He will give you his plans to accomplish the desire that he has placed in your heart.

I Became Her

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The other night I had to laugh at myself, as I was reading something with my reading glasses on and looked up, realizing my glasses were lower on my nose, and I am looking over the rim. When I was young, I’d see older D686905C-1D11-421E-B8BA-B51B3989E663women doing just this and hated it, thinking I will never do that. I became her.

Going back in my memories, my parents would dress up and go to company dinners. I was young and was always fascinated watching my mom put makeup on at the bathroom mirror, as most little girls do. When finished and the final step was the lipstick, as she would always give a quick pucker-up kiss as a stamp of approval.  I stood in the doorway, just watching and waiting. Before she started the process of applying makeup though, the Oil of Olay 28BC5192-DB01-4419-8E45-0D3C94E0B990would be smeared on her face, with me asking why she does that. Of course, her reply was that it was to reduce wrinkles. I told her that I was not going to have wrinkles. I still remember her slight laughter and saying, okay we will see how that works out. I became her.

F57FFC5C-C925-4E3A-8D64-CCF2AB296D17Another time with mom, she loved Jergens hand lotion and used regularly. I looked at her hands and from years and age, her skin was looser than mine, being a child, as I observed the differences. Of course in my child’s mind and stating the fact, my hands will not look like that. Today, I have aged and I see my mother’s hands when I look at my own. I became her.

When I was in fifth grade, my teacher was so pretty. I was at an age of growing up, going through puberty. While I had sisters and my mom, they were too busy to help me in areas that young girls should know about. I watched this teacher, admired her hair, how she dressed, matching shoes, jewelry, plus she had a sweet and caring personality. To me, she was a role model, and I learned by observing and paying attention to details, which have helped me through my life. I became her.

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As I was in my senior year of high school, not knowing what I was going to do after graduation when asked by the shorthand/typing teacher. I really and truly had no ideal what the future held for me. It was when she not asked if we wanted to go but said we were going to the local Vocational School for Business & Office training. This teacher took two of us to visit the school, and we signed up because she said to, so my friend and I went to Vocational School. This has been my livelihood since 1977. With her teaching me, leading me, actually guided my life, I have been able to succeed and teach others. I became her.

During this pandemic, with no haircuts and a lot of things we take for granted were not being had. As I was working in the yard, I had a bandana around my neck as my sister visited and I pulled up over my mouth and nose, not knowing what we were all dealing with and respect for her. As I continued to work, sweating but making progress with our landscape, I took that bandana and slipped it on my head, holding back my hair that is now longer than usual. I went into the house at one point and glanced at a mirror on the way out, stopped and laughed as I saw my mom’s reflection look back at me, as she would wear a bandana the same way. I became her.DE7D0BC6-5908-4C15-9461-DDFDA9063584

Many have been in my life as role models, some as a mother figure to help me, to care and to give me those hugs that I longed for in my life. So many helped me know how to be a Christian and mature in my faith. Others, helped me understand life and who I am. To be a wife and a mother, and how to love and teach my children, I watched many through the years. Plus, how to be a good daughter-in-law and how to be a good mother-in-law. I have been touched by so many in my life and I can truly say from each one, I became her. Blessed

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 We tend to become like those we admire.” Thomas Monson
“Sometimes a teacher is the only positive role model a student will see each day.”
“God puts people in our lives on purpose so we can help them succeed and help them become all He created them to be. Most people will not reach their full potential without somebody else believing in them.” Joel Osteen 

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