One More, Gone

I found myself the other day feeling the loss of many in my life, but not in death basically, but out of reach. Our relationship will never be the same and our paths may never cross again.

Honestly, I have had to fight through the anger when this has happened. Anger with the Lord. Why? Why are you removing them from my life. I feel so alone. I miss them. I don’t do well with change and feeling abandoned tops the chart in my emotions. Lord, why is this happening as I am alone already?

Through the last few years, more losses but now I try my best to grasp that even though another leaves, the Lord is still with me. It is that knowing deep within that He will never leave nor forsake me. I know that but I am human, too. Loss is hard. I miss them even before they are gone.

Saying goodbye to another just this week, due to his family moving to Arizona, a loss. Odds are I will never see or speak to him again. Our paths crossed. I’m thankful. This happens all the time and I am sure with you, one moves, one retires, one is sick, etc., but they all accumulate to where a sadness develops, as you miss them and the relationship.

The other day, thinking over all of those that I have lost, just in the last five years, I was sad and selfish and wanted to have a poor me, pitiful pity party. I did not do so but I felt it coming. To remind myself, I was blessed to have them in my life for the period that I did was truly a blessing. I hope that I blessed their life in some way.

As I write this, I thought about my former counselor and her last note to me about being a stepping stone in my life. While I understood that from her, I was devastated our time was done too soon, as we just talked about having one more year in counseling together. I was angry with her and reading those words she wrote and even angry with the Lord. I was not done, my dependency on her was still needed, I thought and of our plans. We were making so much progress. Just the visual of a stepping stone and her writing that to me, I wanted to pick that stone up and smash it into smithereens. No matter, it was over and done. I’m just a closed file in her filing cabinet.

As for being angry with the Lord, it is okay and it is okay to scream that you are angry, you may even hate Him at that moment, as He let you down, too. He knows it anyway. Actually, it’s freeing to do just that, scream. Go ahead.

I have had to wonder nowadays if I hear from another person in my life, calling or telling me of whatever is happening in their life and of their situation, and they will be leaving me, too. Am I putting up a wall to avoid such hurt or am I just accepting the fact that nothing or nobody is permanent in my life. Perhaps reluctant to be friends because they might leave. Is this reality or a cold-hearted feeling I have anymore. Dealing with abandonment in my life, this really knocks me off kilter. Please don’t leave me! A part of me is that I understand, and I really do. There is also a part that throws a temper tantrum, fine go ahead and leave me. The sensible, understanding adult and the anxious, fearful child fighting within.

Thankfully, in time I get it together as change and loss is hard. Even through the dark, lonely and emotional stages it all brings, I know I am not alone. Even though I was angry with the Lord, I know He loves me still and I Him. I can share my broken heart yet again but yet again be reminded, He is right here with me.

Like the sweet church song we sing, ‘I don’t know about tomorrow but I know who holds my hand.’ In life we are faced with many losses and situations we don’t know which way to turn, our steps are unsteady, our faith is wavering and we finally throw up a white flag, surrendering our need and call upon the Lord.

In those midnight hours or when you or I feel so alone, people have left our lives and no hope in sight, there is One that we can call out to and He hears our cry and sees our tears while collecting them. How sweet and caring is that?

So I have learned through my losses, I am sad and tears will flow while grief is present. I am not to build a wall to not be hurt again, as I will be, but to accept and wish them well on their journey. Hopefully, I was a stepping stone in their life as they were in mine.

A loss is great but the Love of God is even greater!

May you feel His Love all around you in whatever you might be facing or going through. You are going ‘through’ so have hope because He knows your name, He knows where you are right now, and He knows where you are going. Be Blessed

It’s Time To Be Quiet

My hopes, my dreams, my goals and my plans are for me. Those things that are in the working stages in my life are mine to hope for, figure out, contemplate and discover. They are not yours, they are mine. Many times when we speak of such to another, they don’t understand or care enough as we would like and to not fully understand our journey that we are on. We walk away sometimes discouraged. The reason being, it is not their journey. It’s ours.

Your journey is not my journey. I am not to point my finger and tell you what to do or make you feel less than because I do not agree. Many have their opinions and are willing to freely give. Some are good points to consider but the final choice is ours, good or bad. Perhaps their input is pushing the plan a little quicker than we’d prefer but we know to wait. The wait is hard to understand and impatience shows up to rush the plan. Just do it! No! An uneasiness within catches my attention and it should. Timing, as I have mentioned before in my blogs, it will happen when the time is right. Of course, I have had those moments thinking if am I right, am I just afraid or just plain stupid. Waiting is hard.

As I shared some information the other day with another, I walked away feeling as though I don’t want to share nothing any further. Something was different, it’s like I am to be quiet. It’s not a withdrawal of sharing due to depression but the steps I now must take is to be private. It is not necessary to share everything. As it comes to pass, my faith grows because my trust is in the Lord and not others. He says, I know the desires of your heart. I must believe Him.

There is an excitement within me to figure out what lies ahead. Early in this pandemic, I woke up and immediately sat up in bed with the words, saying aloud, “Do you trust Me?” Another time, the same but more of a peaceful expression, “You are my hiding place.” Each time I would write such words down and put before me to see on my wall near my chair that only I see, as I don’t want to forget and I want to be reminded. I look at it often and oftentimes say it to hear myself, to know that it is okay, to have peace. The words, “Be Still and know that I am God,” is one I glance at often when I worry, more of my son with this one verse but also in all things, when thoughts come that bring fear.

I know He knows my name and I know He knows where I am. Just knowing He knows, a peace comes when I feel unsteady going forward and what is around me seems chaotic. Too many years have passed of holding onto those words to not believe and watch what is to happen. Faith. We must have faith!

Trusting yourself, to trust the Lord, brings growth.

https://www.mondayslife.com/the-season-of-transition-waiting-on-god-for-the-next-move/

https://proverbs31.org/read/devotions/full-post/2014/06/11/lord-i-dont-know-what-to-do

“Show me the right path, O LORD; point out the road for me to follow.” Psalm 25:4 (NLT)

Timeline & Tears

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Many years ago, well back in 2014-15 actually, which seems like forever ago, my counselor then had me do a timeline of my age, as early as I could remember. Strangely enough, I do remember a lot, even as far back of holding a cold glass baby bottle of milk in my hands. Why would they give toddlers glass baby bottles? Yes I am old and thankfully we have come a long way. Still today, if I do drink really cold milk in a glass, it takes me back to that time. Perhaps it was hot and the coldness was refreshing for me as a very young little girl.

Memories can pop up in the feel as a cold glass of milk, a smell of a perfume or the aroma of a cigarette reminding me of a Dutch Masters cigar, my dad would smoke, just out of the blue, perhaps a sound of a old song often heard growing up or just feeling the breeze blowing and going back in time. CBE0E364-DFC8-49B1-81A1-F4D23822BC5DIt’s fun and nice as well as relaxing, like a mini vacation by taking in that moment of time.

Of course, there are always those other times and memories that we would rather forget.

In the good and even the bad, it brought us to where we are today.

So with the timeline she had me do, I started another recently, as I need some further clarification of my past. Connecting the dots, as they say.

4682BC64-8BD3-4E45-AE94-CB93BB6CF8FECrazy enough, I have kept a lot of my planners and journals throughout my life. I always felt I needed to. Perhaps this is the time, for that very reason. It sounds like I am a hoarder but I am not, as I do not like clutter. I do know how to organize though and how to make space more efficient.

As I go through my papers and now file by year, breaking down my path, it has made those memories of certain years bring up emotions within me. The other day, it was anger. Today, grief was at an all-time high. I know all of this would not be a surprise to my former counselor, but we just did not get to this place and time together.

I try not to read my notes too much but just the dates in order to file for the timeline. Sometimes I do read a bit here and there and it takes me down a rabbit hole of despair and depression. I can’t go there yet. Today, just the dates in my planners brought up memories, as if they were yesterday. I really don’t know how I handled everything in 1995, mind-67F5D09A-01AC-4292-B95C-7CDF3B20E473boggling. There is a purpose in this madness but this is only a step forward, as I know timing is everything.

Spending a little bit of time here and there going through my years of memories written down, I am not constantly putting myself through torment. I can walk away for a day or so to process what I did read. I need a break, more than a few days, after today. It’s okay!

At times though, just in the brief time already, it felt like I was digging in the trenches and the mud is covering me and keeping me stuck. Although, I feel the sun shining upon me also, giving me joy and hope. A mix of it all but moving forward with answers and hopefully healing within.7DC359AF-581A-44CD-B515-154169919735

There is a purpose and a plan with it all, always has been, and it will by the Grace of God, come into fruition. Through it all, He knew my name and He always knew where I was. That was my hope then, now and the tomorrows before me. In the end, the Lord will get the glory of what He has done and is doing in my life.

 

While this is my timeline, you have one, too! He has a plan and a purpose for each of us. We my detour but even with that, He will get us to where we are to be.

If God places a desire in your heart then it’s a part of his plan, which means he has plans for it. … He will give you his plans to accomplish the desire that he has placed in your heart.