Here I am, beating myself up over words spoken, jokingly, but truth.
Have you ever said something and regret later? Surely I am not alone. Please tell me I am not alone. You are not alone.
Thinking after the words exploded from my mouth, I regretted. Yes, it was funny. Yes, it was and is truth. Still, it should have remained closed lipped, but didn’t.
I have learned a lot about forgiveness through the years, of forgiving others that have hurt me. I have also caught onto the fact of forgiving myself. That is a big step, not being self-centered, but necessary.
Slowly, it is sinking in. I was wrong. I learned a lesson today, and I will never repeat what I said, even though I think it. This is my funny, sarcastic comment that should remain within.
Forgive others. Forgive yourself.
“It is just as necessary to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others, and the principal reason why forgiveness seemed so difficult is because we have neglected to forgive ourselves.” Christian D. Larson
There are moments in life that happen, whether expected or unexpected, and your physical body and emotions cannot carry anymore. You need a break, you need rest.
These moments of time spent and caring for yourself to take time to withdraw, makes the mental toll on one also. Now there are the lies we hear within that we are lazy.
Years, I let that lie heap upon me due to my situation. It was not until I told my counselor years ago, and she gave me the gift of knowing it was okay to nap, to rest. I was exhausted from it all. Again, a free gift that meant the world to me, as it lifted a load off of me and gave me a freedom.
Now, as a new chapter emerges in my life and family situation, I have had to endure my time with one that drained me before. While I can limit my time and understand that I can leave, it helps. I have noticed though, within me, that the day after of spending any amount of time with this one, I am exhausted yet again. It is like I need to recharge until the next expected time I need to be present.
This is such a draining on me and so pattern-like that I want no more. Reminding myself… Just a little bit longer, as I am almost at the finish line.
I find myself boggled more and more, in my senior years, realizing my sister and I are so different. Yes, we are all unique, made in the image of God. The love of family members is there but our uniqueness is chaotic to me. Perhaps, because I am the youngest, just odd, her feeling I am still a child, her baby sister. Perhaps, I trust myself more and know who I am. Just because she is older and perhaps wiser, I also am.
Months ago I wrote a short blog-like story on my Facebook page. It was on the serious side of me but encouragement for others to know they can face tomorrow, as storms in life come. In my brief testimony, my sister could not understand it and worried about me, making an opportunity to visit to see if I was okay. To her surprise, as I knew myself, I am fine and happier than I have been in many years. While trying to explain, she could not grasp but thought the worse.
I realized she can handle joking about my struggles but not the seriousness. How sad is that? So with her, I put my seriousness aside and not being the true me. She does not know me. She thinks she does though. Sadly, years ago, I felt closer to my counselor for this very reason, as she heard me, she knew me more. The depth of my seriousness and even my silly, fun personality, I could be me.
Again, last night, a discussion that reminded me that we are sisters but strangers. This will never change.