Take Away

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Day by day, little by little, a bit here and a bit there many things are no longer a part of our lives.

Our normal has been disrupted and the new normal is not comfortable and never will be comfortable.

As we drive past parking lots now empty, especially the ones that are always packed, I find it difficult to comprehend, thinking how odd for that to be possible. My mind knowing all along what is happening but everyday seems like a Sunday, with everything closed. Everything that we have known has changed. I’m old and feeling discombobulated and I can only imagine what the younger generation feels, although some are not taking this COVID19 very serious. I know I am feeling somewhat stripped of more and more each day, as they are taken away. A19CDF5D-0D26-4222-8DF3-E12D0B1CAE2F

Just yesterday, I had two events canceled that I would attend, within thirty minutes of each other. One was in April, which did not surprise me but the other was at the end of May.  Honestly, I found myself angry with all of this happening. Now what?

Fear of one another, wondering if we will get or pass on germs. A disconnect physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

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I noticed my elderly neighbor answer the door to her best friend. Just watching to see how they handled this situation, knowing their routine is off and of loneliness no doubt. The door was not opened immediately, which surprised me in a way but then I wondered if she was afraid to open it. Finally, the door was opened and my neighbor stood on one side of the glass storm door and her friend on the other. They were protecting one another. How sad though to be that close, to miss one another’s company and glass separates the normal contact of one another. No hug was made, no physical touch of comfort to ease each other’s fear and anxiety. 

9C790675-106E-4BEE-91D7-E0BC81576DCCThe distancing between each of us, family, friends, co-workers and each one, is too far apart, although needed right now. It’s like when we put up walls to keep people out of our lives from being hurt, but we are now basically building walls between each of us to avoid contact. Perhaps feeling as though we are lost in a maze. I wonder after this month and hopefully that is enough time, will we be programmed to still limit connection, hesitant to reach out to one another. 

Today is today, tomorrow will be just another day and each one will add up. Yesterday, I had no motivation and unsure about today. I don’t feel depressed although I know it would be easy to be so, but I know anxiety still creeps up on me. How about you?

So, as we have today and each tomorrow will come, let’s make them as best as we can. It is okay to rest, as we recognize that what we are experiencing is not normal and we are not going to feel normal. Still, we will get through this, one day at a time.

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STAY WELL

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40 Beautiful Bible Verses for When Stress & Anxiety Feel Overwhelming

Scatterbrained

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Today, I should be at work, I want to be at work, please let me work. I miss my office, I miss my desk, I miss all the files that go across my desk and through my hands daily, I miss the exhaustion at the end of the day and I miss all of my work family.

We will definitely need to have a “Welcome Back” party when we all return, just not soon enough right now.

My job right now, has stopped, just one at a time in the office. I cannot do anything unless the higher ups start pushing cases through. I am at a standstill. Odds are, you are, too.

090B38E0-8F3A-4554-98C3-69F99529705CToday I coughed to clear my throat many times. No other symptoms, just a cough. As I continued in my day, the thoughts started to run rampant within, of you have the virus, you have given this to your sons and it will be your fault and, of course, you are going to die. The enemy likes to torment me and place fear to where I feel frozen or perhaps paralyzed unable to think, get things done, as I go from this to that and chaos causing me to feel scatterbrained. It’s anxiety. My cough is just from the anxiety felt.

Today I have managed to pray, read, write, trying my hand at tapping through the anxiety (EFT), and often splashed essential oils all over me. I am a walking, talking and breathing diffuser right now. To write, I do relax. A walk helps to feel the sun and crisp air on my face to allow myself to get grounded.E4C987CB-559A-4855-B921-E19385657968

My routine is off, your routine is off, everything is off. I have time to do whatever I want and have wanted to do around my home for days, weeks, months and yes even years but my focus and desire to do any of it is off. I just do the basics. Thinking, too, I will have plenty of time.

So many posts on Facebook deal with what we are dealing with all over the world, to help with anxiety. At times, I just want to shut everything off and pretend this is not real.  I have read often that we are to limit our time watching the news, reading too much of the statistics and what seems like doom and gloom.

With me not going to work, I had more time to read information of the latest news and how the virus affects the body, but I read too much. My mind went into overload and then fear jumped in.

So perhaps you experience anxiety from time to time, too. It is very easy to feel right now but we are to limit ourselves, we can set up our own boundaries. As long as we are doing our part through this crisis, we are doing good. Take one day at a time. As I wrote yesterday, I know that He is my hiding place, and He is yours, too.

CEB840C9-38CD-40ED-881D-362700912554Focus! We are to keep our eyes on The Lord. He brings peace to the chaotic, scatterbrained routine that we may slip into at times. Just be sure to bring your focus back to Him.

Stay Well

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https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/worry-and-anxiety-bible-verses/

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/scatterbrain

Powerful feelings, such as being stressed, angry or sad, can cloud your thinking brain, hampering your ability to reason effectively. “Those primary emotions — anxiety, sadness, anger — are the ones more likely to be associated with those who feel disorganised, distracted and overwhelmed,” he writes. May 6, 2014

https://themighty.com/2020/03/difference-between-anxiety-and-covid-19-symptoms/?utm_source=Mighty_Page&utm_medium=Facebook

 

Wavelengths

BREAKER, BREAKER…

Come in please!

Anybody there?

Do you hear me?

BREAKER, BREAKER…

Hello?56D6CEAE-4603-4D56-A93B-C65078A46598

Okay, I am alone, nobody is there. No answer was received as I go forward on my own. Here I go! What’s new though, I am always going forward, always on my own. No difference now.

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This is exactly what it feels like in a not-so-normal marriage for one reason or another. Knowing that the frequency of wavelengths between us two, are with no hope in sight. No need for hope at this point. The ride in life is alone and has felt alone and always will be alone.3B1BBC5C-32F5-45F7-80E1-F2446D40BD41

To give you some direction, if on the same radio frequency, even though you are at a standstill but also as you move forward, at a slow pace. Keep going! No doubt at some point, you felt lost on your route in this relationship by trying all sorts of tricks and talks to re-route the trip together but to no avail.AAF4DB0B-2BA1-40B5-9869-DBE33F7DE9CE

As you come to the fork in the road, deciding which direction, you may have just stopped there not knowing what to do. Perhaps you started down one way and notice it was going nowhere. Realizing finally after much displeasure, discontentment and the death of a marriage, you recalculate and the u-turn was made.

Now as you venture new territory, caring for yourself and not feeling so alone, life begins to blossom just as the spring is upon us. There is hope and a flicker of joy for more. You can do this in many ways, just start.

While maintaining a neutral ride at this time, this is when you gain ground and strength within. Do some research, join support groups either on Facebook or in your community and at a church. Get familiar with what is available, such as counseling, for you to move forward and find the happiness you know you deserve. This is a map of where you want to go and desire, as life is not meant to be stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels and standing alone.A6D54C3A-4E21-48BF-AED8-702332840662It’s time to get a tuneup and be ready for more. You deserve more. If you have done all that you could do to rectify the issue and no answer received, over and over again, please encourage yourself and know your worth in order to keep moving forward.

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BREAKER, BREAKER

Come in please!

Anybody there?

Somebody there to hear me, see me and love me?

BREAKER, BREAKER

I am here, I want to live and enjoy my life.

One day, I’ll be able to say OVER AND OUT

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Check out these resources: 

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BF2562B0-2E6E-439A-ACBA-94B3A358AAF6      E3A1CA3E-34C4-4CE6-9AE1-9FD20D76928F

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Most importantly, the Lord knows your name

and He knows where you are in your journey.  

Trust Him! 

 

Awaiting Joy

As I see him leave the house, there is a spring in my step. 09500753-B1DE-4490-9304-323F1F70B37EI’m ready to turn up my music, flow freely through my house, sing and sometimes dance if I so desire, the cleaning becomes fun, the sound of the vacuum is like a melody, the washer and dryer hum in the background. What a nice time enjoying my home without an energy, draining vampire lurking about.

D41A95B1-88F8-45AB-A2A4-182EE99F4314If I decide to write as I am doing now, the words flow freely and my mind is sharp. So much to do enjoying my time alone, knowing it is short lived so I cherish the moments, as it will soon end.

I don’t have to listen to his sighs and monotone voice with no joy present, as Aspergers is real and there is none to be found. I have had years to search and try to find and realize there is just none. I’m bored to tears and have been for years. I have so much to give in love and laughter but I’m done trying to go there with him. Only disappointment and sorrow swallows me up inside with nothing more to give.

58C2C074-F0A7-4E48-836D-A8E900EC6BE0Lord, there must be more, I have said so many times through the years and You heard the same today.  I have come so far and know the light at the end of the tunnel is near. I’m getting impatient so please hurry this along. My age is adding numbers and my strength is becoming less. There is so much I want to do in my time left. I want happiness, I want to feel joy, I just want to have fun and laugh until it hurts. I’m at an age I feel I’ve earned the best of what life has to offer, but I’m stuck and need a few more things to line up.191CD327-E696-451C-993B-40621140587B

Well, I need to get the clothes from the dryer and close up my freedom as soon he will be walking through the door once again. Turn the music off, put the vacuum away, gather my warm clothing to fold and put away, the singing and dancing goes on the shelf and boredom soon to develop.

Lord, there has to be more for me on this earth. I know you have had your Hand upon me and still, and I thank You with my whole heart.059D8E68-6532-4077-9F8A-928C6522D027

Life continues in this quiet house, non-existence of a relationship under one roof with no joy to be found except what I have in my heart and I know to wait.

 

B5DD2FC3-5D7F-465C-B965-CAD42646479F

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201305/the-unhappy-marriage-stay-or-go

If I Leave I’m Afraid I Will Dishonor God

 

Just a Note…

1167DA89-82C3-4C47-8C7C-80DA147E68AFAs I was getting ready for work on Friday morning, I heard the text tone I set for my son come through on my phone, which startled me. This child of mine, is not a morning person. Of course, I read the gif shown (Just sending u a note to say… I love you), and was so pleasantly surprised. I was happy, and it was a great start to my day.

I try to give each of my sons their space, as they need to figure life out plus they are adults. Mom is not as important anymore ED28A2B2-ACBD-4103-AB84-85FFDDDA0704although I know they love me and they know that I would drop whatever I was doing and be with them, if needed.

Knowing this past week, I was starting to really miss them and honestly felt forgotten, not needed, etc. You know, those pity-party mom moments. So to receive his text was needed more than he will ever know, even though I did respond back to him of my appreciation and love.

FDFD5631-C851-4D40-A5F0-B4C497F5B7F3In our daily lives, we all need encouragement if even from a stranger in a smile. It may be the only smile we get. Or even a touch, or a pat on the arm in a conversation. It might be the only 00B3A9AB-DBFF-4201-BED2-095ADE8BB212touch we get. Never to forget, we can and are to do the same. A smile costs nothing but can mean more than money, it brings hope that someone cared enough to do just that small act of kindness.

In a recent situation, I had hoped to get just an ‘I’m proud of you’ from one, which would have meant the world to 97D79571-BEB5-45BC-BD6B-159F6E617FD4me, to read and re-read those words written back in response to an email. Nothing. I was so disappointed and sad as I sometimes let the negative thoughts roll in my mind. I know not to dwell there but I do at times. Thoughts of I guess they really don’t care, I am forgotten, etc. Again, a pity-party moment or two. It’s okay and we all do it but just don’t stay there. Just be proud of yourself! 039DA355-F6B7-42F6-B4CE-BCFFEF17A4E3

Have you ever had somebody comment on a pretty top or some type of clothing you were wearing?  Sure you have. Perhaps I am one to think too much in those instances. Yes, my top is pretty but thinking do I look nice with it on. Take it a step further and being truthful by just saying 0D91556A-9B2C-41B0-A1A1-DB9014E5FEF2you look nice today’ instead of just complimenting the piece of clothing. It changes the whole outlook. Instead of leaving the one questioning do I look nice or not, it might be the only compliment they receive or have received. Watch how they beam and their shoulders are more upright, as you just made that person’s day. Pay attention to yourself when told the same, you look nice today.9D667C71-199B-40B7-A017-029E7EC99EAB

With this compliment, some will be shocked and not know what to say. Yes, they should say, thank you, but they were caught off guard, not expecting or have not received many compliments. Don’t take offense, if not thanked, just let the one receive and enjoy your kind words. I have had this said at times and then the one saying I looked nice, then say to me, ‘say ‘thank you.’ While I understand the politeness of saying thank you, it tends to cancel out the you look nice compliment, as now you are correcting me and I am now stuck on that instead of how nice I thought I looked. Make sense?  Perhaps just me overthinking. In time though, as confidence builds in oneself, the words ‘Thank You’ will follow. Be patient with them or yourself.

Words play a strong influence in our life, which can lift you up or tear you down.6718D30F-89EB-4F1C-B4A6-D5F5192598B4

The text from my son of the gif remind me that he thought enough of me to send and that it said I Love You, will never be deleted. I needed that from him.

Just a note… to another, kind and encouraging words, a smile or a touch brings hope. We all need hope.

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https://biblereasons.com/kindness/

Arena Seats

A2557CBC-A7FF-4DDA-B4F3-86309D05D9ABI really do enjoying going to plays and sporting events but through the years I withdrew going because of the seats. When younger, it was not a big issue but when marriage, children and weight gain, I was unhappy in my marriage and the emotional eating took reigns over my life. I hid and was very self-conscious of my weight and my hips, a pear shaped body.
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I am sure others can relate as weight gain causes many issues, the emotional toil that unhappiness brings and in whatever circumstances.  The hopelessness builds and soon no desire to be in the outside world. Just hide.

F9C8F1F1-6089-4C58-8DA1-0DEFB441A8ECI was thinking back when my former counselor discussed my hesitancy for me to even go to the grocery store, I would put it off and cringed as I walk through the store hiding behind the grocery cart. My hiding became worse when my boys went off to college because I had no need to be in the outside world, other than work. Home to work, work to home and hibernate in my bedroom until the next morning. I knew I was depressed but I knew I was also unhappy in my situation and had been. The empty nest wrecked havoc on my life, more alone than ever, no joy and now no laughter existed.

My oldest was to perform in a large football stadium with the college band, he was the lead percussionist. I will go out on a limb for my children and push myself while freezing of fear inside. Enjoying but falling apart inside.351BB8E9-C777-489D-8B02-85D36BB936BB

My boss gave me two tickets to go see my son perform, which I thought was so thoughtful. Two tickets. I knew one was for me and one for my husband. My thought immediately went to two things, one that I had to take my husband and at that time in my life, I hated the man.  The other were the seats, wondering if I could even fit. Anxiety to the max and making me feel worse than I was already.  How would I deal with this nice gesture from my boss, was always on the back of my mind counting the days down of the event.

To add onto the matter, my other son had an event the same day and time, at another location. I cannot do both and neither could their father. As I weighed out the D0047B2E-21FB-413C-ADAD-5637BA452CD5matter, it came down to my weight and the fear of the arena seats. I had my sister go with my husband to the arena with my camera and instructions to take many pictures. My sister and my husband got along great, actually she is the only one in my family that tolerates him, and still. I went to my younger son’s performance. All is well. My sister took many pictures and one was absolutely perfect.

I felt like I disappointed my boss though, as he bought those tickets for me. Now another task I need to concern myself with and that was how do I tell him that I did not go.  How do you tell him that I did not want to be with my husband or feared I would not fit in the seat? Knowing one day I will share with him but it is not time yet. Thankfully, he knew of my predicament with my other son and the time constraint but I am sure disappointed.  I was, too, for that matter. In more reasons than many realized.  It’s done, over, let’s move on.DD0C4332-F319-47C7-862C-B7711E9C395A

In other events, with other arena seats, I could not avoid. I made the best of it but uncomfortable.  Uncomfortable sitting and the pain within of depression. Once settled in my seat, I would glance over and see another large woman squeezing in her seat. My thoughts of I understand plus wondering if she, too, was struggling with depression, probably so; were they happily married, I do not know but doubtful. It kept my mind occupied while avoiding the close quarters of my own relationship. To escape mentally but wanting to physically.

BB92CBBB-9814-4F5D-B347-229926993A3AWe never know what the next person to us or in our paths are going through. Nobody knew my situation for a long time, even in mine or his family or our friends. I wore the mask well.

To see my picture recently from back then to now, side by side, I look so different. Not even the same person, which is good. I could see the sadness in my puffy, fat face and remember what struggles I went through and endured for years. It’s sad to even look at honestly, such a difference.

F568FC4E-EC16-484E-9DAB-1532498C760COftentimes, many look at heavy set women, and men, think that they are lazy. Perhaps they are but underneath the layers of fat are layers of pain. Physical pain as well as mental, spiritual but most will be emotional pain. They need hope and encouragement. It is none of our business to have all the details what made them that way, but there is a story behind the emotional eating.

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While I have made some changes in my life in all areas right past five years, it feels good. I feel good, better than I did, maybe ever. It has not been easy but I knew I had to take the bull by the horns to be in this place. As the old saying goes, don’t forget where you came from, is a wise one. As with me, I did not go through all of my pain of a sad and lonely marriage, wearing a mask to appear happy, fear of arena seats, weight gain, depression, just to name a few. Plus, 901D9BA0-FE77-4F49-8933-23D227800906turning it around with weight loss, hours and years of counseling, pushing myself out of my comfort zones, involved in church, groups, etc., walking in 5K  marathons, but most of all acknowledging and knowing that I AM WORTHY and that God loves ME no matter. I never could grasp those words and now I do not want to let go of them.

Do I still dread the arena seats? Honestly, I don’t dread as much but I do dislike. I may fit somewhat better now but going down memory triggers a depressive state within for a period, memories I would rather forget.

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We all go through situations in life. Oftentimes, our pain and experience is to help others… to go through. We do go THROUGH! Don’t give up. Trust Him!

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View at Medium.com

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.Romans 8:28

Don’t Waste Your Pain

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Millennial Counseling

Sometimes I just do not understand things in life. Surely I am not the only one.

DB086997-9FE1-4DE9-8257-69EE4E0773E6In regard to counseling, years ago and even today, others think you might be crazy to go for counseling or perhaps have a lack of faith in God. Trust me, I have experienced both of those situations. I know with myself, it is nice to have someone trusted and knowledgeable to talk to and gain advice by looking at them in the eye and knowing they are there with you, there’s a connection.

Back in 2002-2004, I went at first and finally insisted that my husband attend counseling so that we could get help 3F17B921-C853-4F57-8608-E331CA7B84D7for our marriage. Mind you, we were both active at our church and this did not look good if they knew we were seeing a counselor, the lack of faith part. We drove one hour to and from in order to avoid anyone knowing that our marriage was crumbling. I was too embarrassed and actually numb as to what was happening so this seemed to be the answer. It was great for awhile, things were improving between us. It was the fall of 2004 when it all went downhill.D2A19302-87E0-4F0E-BD9F-11542A8221E3

I was just done. Done with him, our marriage and done with that counselor.  Being betrayed by him, now the counselor. What do you do with that? I was slowly inching my way into a deep, dark hole of despair and depression only surviving by tending to my children and struggling to do that. While I was there for them physically, the rest of me lacked and, therefore, they lacked having a mother truly happy and whole. All of which I regret as I dealt with anger toward their father of what was lost in our family realm due to his choices, basically grief in the midst of it all. 

Years have passed and I thank the Lord that the boys have done very well but damage is there, as they also suffered, silently.  In many articles, discussions, etc., many argue whether is best to leave a bad marriage than stay and in my case, it was best that I stayed, so I did. Easy? No!

Finally, in 2008, I met with a male counselor for a year before he moved his practice out of state. Enough to get my mind calmed from the chaos of family estate issues on top of everything else. Also I learned that I had a stroke, probably due to the stress of it all. At least this counselor was only fifteen minutes from my home.

A new job for me, my son graduating, another son nearing graduation and mixed in with some friends that I could see trouble ensue and also a husband losing his job of twenty-two years, due to an offshore situation. Still dealing with a few family members and the hatred of me, being the Administratrix of now my brother’s estate, carried over from my parent’s estate, due to greed. How much more? Actually, I was afraid to ask how much more could I go through.0327EB99-60D1-4BFF-9F82-763285A949FC

Fast forward, life got busy as the boys graduated, college, moving to and from dorms to apartments, work, etc. Enough to keep me busy and my mind occupied of the issues and feelings stored within. The empty nest syndrome was alive and well causing now an emptiness along with a loneliness in my home. Each day was like the next while existing and lost in knowing who I was.

7F945197-238E-4E04-9046-7C1219A7A939As in my writings, I share that I saw my former counselor for four years and she was only two miles from church, if that, back in 2014. It did and does not matter any longer to be concerned in what others think, wondering if I was crazy or if I had a lack of faith. I was taking care of me. I had to. I still see counselors, as I find it helps me and I know I have come a long way.

AFC8DA0F-A4D9-4C90-A649-8F5447CEFE5ENow, I am dealing with a son, in the millennial age group, that could use counseling. I mentioned to him and have sent him leads of many in his area that would be good for him to go talk to. He knows I see a counselor, he never asks why but I have no doubt that he can see that he has a happier mother, and I am. Taking care of me so I can them, when and as needed.

Why is it that these millennials nowadays feel that going to counseling is not needed by going and sitting across from one another. It was when he said he would get counseling online. I just cannot grasp that. Perhaps if in an area that is remote but not where he lives. How can there be a connection? I would miss this closeness of meeting and talking, feeling safe to talk about whatever under the sun. I have loved my counselors, even the first one, even though we had an issue that was not handled properly.647E8292-1776-46F8-A84F-0552A21654D0I discussed this with my present counselor recently while trying to ‘get it’ in my head how this would help him or anyone. Trying to imagine myself in that online counseling, there’s no way. Those four years, my former counselor could pick up of me closing in due to depression, lack of self-worth, many physical signs and help me understand myself that a monitor would not do, I feel. I realize technology is the way of life nowadays and while I love it also, face to face counseling is important.

In all that and my thoughts and opinions, it is just that. Whether it be my son or others considering online counseling, that’s their decision. My son is an adult and he makes his own decisions in life. Still, I am his mom. I just have to pray for him, love him and trust the Lord to cover him in his daily life. I must have faith, as He knows all about my son.

 

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