Sisters, But Strangers

I find myself boggled more and more, in my senior years, realizing my sister and I are so different. Yes, we are all unique, made in the image of God. The love of family members is there but our uniqueness is chaotic to me. Perhaps, because I am the youngest, just odd, her feeling I am still a child, her baby sister. Perhaps, I trust myself more and know who I am. Just because she is older and perhaps wiser, I also am.

Months ago I wrote a short blog-like story on my Facebook page. It was on the serious side of me but encouragement for others to know they can face tomorrow, as storms in life come. In my brief testimony, my sister could not understand it and worried about me, making an opportunity to visit to see if I was okay. To her surprise, as I knew myself, I am fine and happier than I have been in many years. While trying to explain, she could not grasp but thought the worse.

I realized she can handle joking about my struggles but not the seriousness. How sad is that? So with her, I put my seriousness aside and not being the true me. She does not know me. She thinks she does though. Sadly, years ago, I felt closer to my counselor for this very reason, as she heard me, she knew me more. The depth of my seriousness and even my silly, fun personality, I could be me.

Again, last night, a discussion that reminded me that we are sisters but strangers. This will never change.

Sisterly love I believe it’s called, I guess.

Dread and Disappointment

I am one of the biggest procrastinators ever. Do you ever deal with putting things off and just dread certain things? I should win an award.

I do believe it is just the fact of being overwhelmed, not sure how to start, wondering if I will finish and all the mess in between. So, I do nothing. Then, I get discouraged and am disappointed at myself. A spiraling rabbit hole of despair. Ugh!

Just the other day, Sunday morning, I have been working on a project, for weeks. I would start and be ready to get it done. Not a chance, as other stuff happens and in this case the heat, sun and humidity take its toll on me. I try again, but the same. My husband made a comment asking if I wanted him to bring in my yard tools and rolling garden stool. I knew it was getting to him, although it was nice of him to ask. My reply, no I’ll finish but I will wait until a morning when it is cooler and shaded. I could almost read his mind; she is not a morning person, and this will never get done.

Sadly, trying to do just that, finding a good morning to work outside when not going to my office to work, means another weekend. I was overwhelmed, frustrated and just not into it. A slight, adult temper tantrum, I don’t want to do it.

There are times I just want to stay in bed, cover my head and ignore stuff like this. I can’t! I realize when this happens, I feel a bout of depression enter. I have felt just that, recently. I do not want depression latched upon me but so disappointed in myself. Besides the yard task I started, I have other areas inside the house to do, my work, taking time to write on my book, upcoming knee surgery, etc., that is weighing on me. Screaming within, I cannot do it all.

Recognizing and to acknowledge what is holding me back does help. It is then you do one thing at a time, I have learned over the years. There is a quote on my bulletin-board at work, it has been there now for fourteen years, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” It is funny and sounds easy enough, right? Still, it can be overwhelming. An elephant is huge, I cannot do that, so even with the elephant in my thoughts, I feel overwhelmed.

In all of this and what is before me, that morning I was up early. Typical, as the cats will annoy me until fed, but I crawled back in bed afterward. Knowing full well the temperature was perfect outside, and the flower garden area was in the shade. No! I want to sleep. I laid there but there was no sleep. I pondered what all I needed from the garage to finish this task. Ugh was my thought. The fight within.

I got up and got dressed to work outside, gathered the weed eater, blower, a bucket holding other items needed. Off I went, lowering items down from my deck. Knowing full well, everything I took down along with what was already there plus now having three garbage bags of pulled weeds and thinned out plants had to be brought back up to the garage. I needed it all done and I wanted it done. Can I do it? Focus. Focus. One bite at a time.

All of this time, it has taken me weeks to finish, and I did in forty-five minutes. Done! Everything is back in its rightful place. How did that happen so easy? Why did I put this chore off? I tormented myself basically.

Now comes the place where I kick myself because it took so long to finish. Still, there is an excitement within. I did it! It’s done! An accomplishment made, which makes for a good day.

Just small hurdles as such can encourage yourself that you can do it. The push within, a bite here and a bite there, soon it is over and done. The old discouragement and depression that was weighing on me is not as heavy right now. I can conquer the world. Well, that might be extreme but a reminder that we have to trudge through the stuff we don’t want to do in order to get what and where we want. This flower garden will be beautiful soon and it will be a reminder that I can do anything I set my mind to and not allow depression to take root. This or whatever.

Hopefully, knowing I deal with procrastination, discouragement, disappointment and depression, it will help you know you that are not alone. Just knowing others experience the same, it has been helpful to me in past years. I’m not alone. You are not alone. We all have things that tend to bog us down or we must deal with but the inner child within us wants to throw a fit.

Now, get up and do something that you have been putting off, if just a small thing. It all adds up.

I did all that just this past Sunday morning, time to write this blog and get ready for church plus go a graduation party. I felt it was going to be a good day.

Now that the day is behind me, it was a good day. I felt proud of myself. Celebration!

Psalm 20:4

“May he give you the desire of your heart
    and make all your plans succeed.”

2 Chronicles 15:7

“But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.”

Turn The Page

How could I miss this appointment, I rehearsed yet again tonight. This is not like me. At a point of beating myself up over such a minor thing. Of course, the thought that I am losing it enters my my mind. I am old. No! I will not accept the forgetting process, as I am still pretty sharp. Maybe too much on my mind though. That settles that!

My mind wonders over the day of why I forgot this appointment, as it is not like me. The call, hearing “where are you?” and it all came back to my remembrance.

Here it is Tuesday, feels like Monday after a holiday. I usually don’t work all day on Tuesday. It is the last day of the month. My wall calendar at the office reads June already. I probably should have waited on that change. Even my personal calendar, I looked at June today. So it all makes sense. Still, I hate to miss an appointment. I did. Done.

So, as I look at all the reasons and get over the fact I forgot, I was reminded that I am to turn the page. What was is no more. New day, new time, new month. I’m ready to go forward. Let it go.

In that, it is a good thing. Moving forward. Looking over my life with just this oversight and of some things I never ever want to go through again or anyone else experience, you must turn the page.

Don’t dwell on past mistakes, missed appointments or the many disappointments in life. I remained stuck for so long, for years, I do not want to do that anymore.

There’s freedom in turning the page.

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”