Small Doses

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Today, I was expecting nothing but a nice quiet day or at least most of the day in my home. Even though it is Memorial Day, my husband goes to play golf, no family was coming over so just a low-key day. It was short lived, guess it was too hot and understandably so. I tend to get more done when he is out of the house. There is a freedom, not a draining, boring, no laughter kind of day. Sad, isn’t it that I feel that way?

Yesterday, we spent the day in our son’s back yard to cut limbs and clean up so he can enjoy the property of his house rental. I love his back yard and during this pandemic of quarantine, we did not make trips, which is only an hour away. He did a lot on his own, which has been good for him and we just helped push him forward a little faster. It was a good, hot day to do this and it was nice to get away

Many times when we have days like this together, I have to bring things back down to existence between me and him. Existence of just married, basically a business partnership. For the most part, it works, financially, why not.

If I could live with previous years when it was so bad, really bad, I can deal with it now, as I continue to get clarity and get stronger within myself and put boundaries in place. Those days, as in yesterday, being together kinda sorta in a big yard, it seems he thinks we are a happily married couple. He will tell his parents or his chiropractor usually of what we did, putting a spin on what fun ‘we’ had. Over and over again I see this routine. Denial runs in his family so this just ranks right up there.E7C8824A-EBFD-4A9C-9871-3E9925BB6A68

The next day or week, he will say with such a sweet, soft and sickening voice, which is do you want to do this, want to go here or there, etc. No. No thank you. The same tone when he talked to our dog. This has been learned way to speak in order to relate to others, whether it be others, me or the dog. I feel mean when I say no thank you but, no. I can only handle him in small doses and yesterday that dosage was an overdose, and I must set my boundaries. You do your thing and I will do mine and we are both happy.

Now you are probably thinking, but he asked if you wanted to do this or that and was so nice. I have had that said to me more than once, because they do not understand what I am dealing with or have dealt with. Yes he was nice, and I was nice and said no thank you. To turn him down, you are probably thinking I am just a mean old witch. Have you walked in my shoes? Have you felt emotionally ignored in a marriage? There is more than shopping or hearing his intellectual murmurings of whatever is of interest to him that would make one bang their head on a brick wall. There is no connection, no emotional support, no real marriage. It is just an existence of two people under one roof, thankfully space between us.F4B70A60-0470-4F0C-BE52-4CED85FFC72B

If you have read any of my writings, I have mentioned Aspergers. After years and years of not knowing what was wrong, taking it all upon myself that it was me. He is the intelligent one, and he will tell you just that, so it must be me, I’m stupid. He will walk away from an issue that needs both of our attention and I need his input. He hears my tone getting a bit higher because he has ignored previous attempts, so he walks away. So again it’s me, my fault. If I make a wrong decision, it’s my fault, AA7E7170-ADD1-4266-A47B-599FA436D694which is too much pressure. To see him look at other women, I am not pretty or sexy enough. To call him out on it and each time deny although I watched this play out a million times, same result. So it must be me, I am seeing things, making it up, feeling like I am crazy.  Shall I go on? Too fat, ugly, fat and depressed will add just several more areas dealt with. Years and years of this, it does makes one feel crazy.

Had it not been for my former counselor in 2014 to recognize what I was expressing, I really do not know where I would be today. Twenty-five years of not knowing and feeling the craziness can take a toll on a person’s emotional, physical,  mental and spiritual life. You just exist from day to day with no joy.

Sadly, this is very typical in marriages when one has Aspergers and the spouse is a neurotypical. It is a crazy-making life.

So if a friend or family member confides in you, needing to vent and need you to hear them, listen. If any of this sounds familiar, don’t just say it is married life, it will get better, etc. Just maybe, this is Aspergers.

Too much time together, is too much time together.

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Wavelengths

BREAKER, BREAKER…

Come in please!

Anybody there?

Do you hear me?

BREAKER, BREAKER…

Hello?56D6CEAE-4603-4D56-A93B-C65078A46598

Okay, I am alone, nobody is there. No answer was received as I go forward on my own. Here I go! What’s new though, I am always going forward, always on my own. No difference now.

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This is exactly what it feels like in a not-so-normal marriage for one reason or another. Knowing that the frequency of wavelengths between us two, are with no hope in sight. No need for hope at this point. The ride in life is alone and has felt alone and always will be alone.3B1BBC5C-32F5-45F7-80E1-F2446D40BD41

To give you some direction, if on the same radio frequency, even though you are at a standstill but also as you move forward, at a slow pace. Keep going! No doubt at some point, you felt lost on your route in this relationship by trying all sorts of tricks and talks to re-route the trip together but to no avail.AAF4DB0B-2BA1-40B5-9869-DBE33F7DE9CE

As you come to the fork in the road, deciding which direction, you may have just stopped there not knowing what to do. Perhaps you started down one way and notice it was going nowhere. Realizing finally after much displeasure, discontentment and the death of a marriage, you recalculate and the u-turn was made.

Now as you venture new territory, caring for yourself and not feeling so alone, life begins to blossom just as the spring is upon us. There is hope and a flicker of joy for more. You can do this in many ways, just start.

While maintaining a neutral ride at this time, this is when you gain ground and strength within. Do some research, join support groups either on Facebook or in your community and at a church. Get familiar with what is available, such as counseling, for you to move forward and find the happiness you know you deserve. This is a map of where you want to go and desire, as life is not meant to be stuck in a rut, spinning your wheels and standing alone.A6D54C3A-4E21-48BF-AED8-702332840662It’s time to get a tuneup and be ready for more. You deserve more. If you have done all that you could do to rectify the issue and no answer received, over and over again, please encourage yourself and know your worth in order to keep moving forward.

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BREAKER, BREAKER

Come in please!

Anybody there?

Somebody there to hear me, see me and love me?

BREAKER, BREAKER

I am here, I want to live and enjoy my life.

One day, I’ll be able to say OVER AND OUT

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Check out these resources: 

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Most importantly, the Lord knows your name

and He knows where you are in your journey.  

Trust Him!