I Love You Enough

I went through with a plan today that I made months ago, and it seemed like the right solution but today I questioned myself. Should I or should I not? I hate that period of second guessing myself. I did it though, which was the right decision.

My heart felt otherwise and saddened. I tried to remain strong, but I knew good and well that when one tear falls, the waterfall of other tears will gush through with no way of stopping them and last for a bit.

My husband was already an emotional mess, so I had to keep a straight face. I did fine on the twenty-five-minute drive but the moment my car stopped, and I opened my car door, it was another story. It did not last. Onward we went, all four of us crying.

In all of my life of having cats off and on, whether it be one or two, but the last three years have been eight. Yes, eight. We had two of our choosing for years and it was great. Since we tended to be a good drop off point or neighbors in the duplexes nearby left their fur babies, which then became ours. It was when one brought her liter of three is when we realized we had a house full. We would not let them starve or be cold. Vet visits were a lot of planning and work, not forgetting the expense. Then there is feeding them.

Mama Cat with her babies

There’s a quote that reads something like, I work hard so my pets can have a good life. True! It’s not cheap.

The next to the last one to come from who knows where, was Mouse. He stayed in our garage the last three winters. His name Mouse was due to his gray fur, which was an ugly gray as a mouse but has turned out so pretty as he aged. He is spoiled, as he had his own space with an electric blanket that surrounded his comfy bed. He was the bully, there is always one, which is why he stayed in the garage.

I have held more than a few pets upon their last breath in my lifetime. I never wanted my pets to feel alone but feel my warmth and a last hug as the Vet does his job, which was a last option due to age and/or illness. There comes a time when you say when, it’s enough. Another hard decision but loving them enough to not suffer is showing love and care.

Today was not that though, it was surrendering two cats to a no-kill shelter. I visited the shelter weeks ago to see the living conditions and ask a million questions. I know full well they will be cared for and adopted out soon, but I had no further control of caring for them once I signed the paperwork. Letting go, saying goodbye and walking out the door leaving them was as hard as a death. No more.


Still, deep within, I know they will have life yet to live with hopefully a loving family that will one day say they cannot imagine life without Elmo or Mouse. I pray that is the case for each sweet baby.

We went out to eat lunch afterwards, not in celebration, but we were hungry. Now he was fine, and I am crying at one point, as I wonder how Elmo is doing. There was no stopping the tears while waiting for our food. Again, the floodgates were open and ready to flow.

Elmo was hiding in the corner behind the dryer looking at me as I said my final goodbyes, a couple of times. I think it was a look of hate. I just wanted to pull that dryer out and grab him. Apparently, it is a popular place for newbies, the shelter lady said, which is typical for cats.

He was tired so he will get to his personal, safe pen before the shelter closes and sleep the night. Poor Elmo had anxiety and felt abandoned and already rejected by his mother. We still have her. He never grew apart from her, but she did from him, which is natural. I would see him follow her in the yard, still after three years. It is like I could hear him, “Wait mommy, don’t leave me.”

I understand the pain of abandonment and rejection, so I understood him all this time. Here I did the same. Maybe his look at me was asking, “Why? Why are you leaving me?” because even with that, I understood. I said those same words years ago myself. That’s where I lose it and become emotional. Elmo, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Forgive me.

To make sense of my decision is to know of his behavioral pattern of marking places where his mama had been, watching her every move. Plus, too many cats in our house. He needs to be in a one cat house to have the love and attention he deserves. I so hope he gets this, and I have to trust that he does and is not mistreated. We have had this crew since birth so there has been a bonding.

I have to forgive myself for this big change in our home and in his life. My heart hurts for him but I love him enough that he deserves a new home.

I deserve to have my home and to have open doors instead from keeping him from rooms, which is not fair to me or the other cats. It caused me to be upset when I would see a marking. Never major but still enough. This was a big decision and a big step. I hope he can settle after the newness of the shelter and away from his mama and that I, too, can settle from the anxiety of leaving him. I will not miss keeping a keen eye on areas and clean.

So as the nighttime rolls around now, his first night away from home in three years, wondering if he is okay and Mouse, too, I will probably do this for a while at times with regret but also having a freedom.

Grief is grief. While we expect it with death, there is still grieving when losing someone living. Today, it goes for pets, too. I love you enough, it hurts.

A Clowder of Cats

93904230-7A5F-4483-BE63-F4E4BC56D453Throughout my lifetime, I have always had a cat or a bird. Animals are just nice to have and to love, they love you back.

My first cat was when I was four or five, I remember tending to her and she would listen to me. I would put clothes on her, cut her whiskers and wait for my return if I had to leave the 44F67DE4-49DF-4EAE-9DAF-035908FAC08Eroom. We called her Mama Cat. Yes, I know now that you should never cut their whiskers but at that age, I did not know and apparently those around me did not either. Plus, Mama Cat did not care what I did, she loved me and I loved her.

Off and on, a bird would be part of the family, usually a mean parakeet, we just tolerated them and enjoyed its singing.

36C35A63-654B-45B2-9FC0-04F622F8B76CI brought a cat home when I still lived with my parents after graduation, which did not go over well. In time, that cat won them over and was spoiled rotten by them and kept them busy and happy. This old cat was named Tom. He kept to himself and would lay at my mom’s feet when she was alive.

Before her passing, there was an old dark, gray stray cat that showed up as did others and mom would tend to them all in the garage, definitely the cat lady. Mom would 689E0040-1D3D-431C-B23F-9AF83BC3F8A0have boxes stacked with bedding for each one, it was quite a sight. I think every cat in our small town knew my mom, as she would feed them and provided warmth. As family and friends would visit, each just shook their head in disbelief while observing the garage of cat condo units but knowing, too, she was happy to do this for them, all of them.

Years later, my father was nearing death while my sister and I cared for him at home. The old Tom cat was still alive at the age of twenty two, He was a little slow but he stayed around for my dad, I feel. The night before my dad passed away, the old Tom cat went downstairs, usually he did not do that. At his age and an ailing leg, he ran up Animal (dog, cat) paw printsthose steps like he saw a ghost. Somebody mentioned that he saw my mom as she was there for dad.  Interesting to consider because it was definitely odd. Then, the old gray stray cat that we called Mama would show her face now and then but had been missing for weeks, if not longer. As you can tell, we do not go crazy with pet names, we use either Tom or Mama. It just works!

Anyway, Mama came in the house that beautiful Saturday morning and she went under my dad’s hospital bed, sitting at the foot of it. Tom was also under his bed, sitting toward the head of the bed. I woke my sister up and told her it was time. How I knew that, I am not for sure except the Lord making me aware, as I was his main caregiver. My sister and I were on each side of the bed with our dad, as he passed. The stray cat, Mama, howled loudly and then left the house, we never saw her again. Tom died just a month or so after my dad. Animals are so in tune with us more than we know.

A8397AA3-BE3C-4F46-BA48-D37195F36D55Now nineteen years later, this past May, we lost our sixteen year old, beautiful Golden Chow dog. We have two indoor cats and they also are getting up in age. In our neighborhood, and for years, there has been a stray cat that looks just my parent’s cat, which was a male and orange in color, so we named it what else, Tom. How could I not care for it? Now realizing I am becoming my mother, the cat lady.

Also, there was a beautiful white stray cat with very little color on her body but her tail is black and brown and she has the softest fur.  We always called her Mama, of course, as she had liter after liter and would come to our door on the deck for food. The neighbors that owned her did not care for her properly or the many liters of kittens. Sad. They moved and just left her this past spring, so my husband and I claimed her. Thankfully.7059C756-3216-4DDD-8108-4A8E6215AD0F

Although, in April she had a liter but we did not know where. I would talk to her and ask where her babies were. Animals listen and understand us, I believe.  Still she would eat and leave. On May 5th, we had our sweet dog put down due to Cancer returning with a vengeance. Our hearts were A34EF6F5-0BA5-4720-85F8-9E47CD1A1137broken with this decision. While trying to capture more photos of her, I took some ‘last’ photos the morning of this dreaded task. I swear she looked at me with those brown eyes as in saying, No More! I told her no more, I promise.  I had never had a dog before but this one was the best and we sure miss her.

So, on a lighter note, four days after our dog passed, we came home from work and here Mama cat and her three babies were in our garage, she brought them through the doggy door. It was perfect timing, to help us through the grief and to keep us busy with the three, four-week old kittens, which was new, unfamiliar to us. 624D3A57-320D-4B68-8915-0614E74FE6C0

Crazy enough, that same day at work, a sweet lady who was just diagnosed with breast cancer, knowing the kittens were born but location unknown, talked with me. I was reminded that she wanted a black cat. Now the Mama cat was mostly white and the odds were slim I told her. Believe it or not, one of the three kittens was a black one. Amazing! Talk about being thrilled is an understatement, not only of the black cat for my co-worker but that Mama cat knew I/we needed them after the passing of our dog, which helped us both immensely in the grieving.8C71D5B3-664E-407B-9C66-7A7172C5F9FE

Now, eight months later, these cats are all fixed and think they own our home. Just no more kittens! After years of Mama having so many liters, she was able to care for her kittens and it was a delight to watch how she interacted with them and protected them, still. Of course, my co-worker has the black cat and has helped her, too, while going through cancer treatments. Isn’t it interesting, that these animals had a part in helping each one of us through the years?

I looked at one the other night while I was in the kitchen and said, I cannot believe I/we have all of these cats. Yikes! I had never had over two cats at a time but now six, four of which are inside/outside cats. What is odd, too, is that they come in at bedtime and they all sleep through the night, we have had no issues of them knocking things over, jumping, etc., and then they go out for the day in the morning. So far, so good.

191A4DE0-308F-4BC0-9A03-91AE098EF1CBAnimals love us when nobody else does, calms our anxious mind and brings joy when there is none. They are worth every penny, the time invested and care so I guess we are stuck with them. Just NO MORE!



DID YOU KNOW?                                                https://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2011/07/a-group-of-cats-is-called-a-clowder/



Forever Ago

C78DC95D-C5B1-4114-8657-F085C3AB879EToday I picked up a photo book I put together of pictures and memories from early on to the end of our dog’s life. Neither my husband or I had a dog growing up so getting one along with having young boys, I was asking for more work. What was I thinking? I remember at the beginning, fifteen years ago, this puppy then followed me around the house, just like a toddler. I remember it driving me crazy. 6718E804-C86A-4ABF-BAB0-7EAA8EF918FBI was done with that stage and yet I am back in this mode. The puppy stage! Yikes. Perhaps ignorance on our part, too, and trusting this animal in my house with wood floors and a potty mishap. I was so done.

FF150D41-49FB-4B34-8820-58A041A3DD5FWhile my husband and boys bonded with this dog, I had not. With the urine accident, a day off work, we had a meeting of the minds. I told this sweet, beautiful dog that this was not to happen ever again. Strangely enough, it did not. It was that day, we bonded. Just like correcting a child, you correct and then you love. Amazing.

Those eyes and facial expressions tell everything and as time goes, you can understand and know exactly what they want, feel or need. Do they train us or do we train them?

Our schedule through the years were around this dog, getting up to going to bed, potty breaks, walks, food preferences, etc. How can you not love them?

This dog of ours was a rescue and I was the one to find it on Petfinder.com. Still I was the one that was losing my patience with it until that one day and everything changed.

Our days in the last fifteen years were filled with caring for this four-legged animal, but she filled our lives with joy, love and laughter. There were times that when things were not all that great in our home, she would lay at my feet or do something to make us laugh to break the sadness.

As the last few months brought on an oral cancer and having it removed, we knew our days were numbered. Still we felt we had a few months but proved to only be a month, if that, as another tumor occurrence returned. No more surgery, no more pain for our selfishness.

Remember the day I said we had a meeting of the minds and then the facial expressions, too?  The day we scheduled to put her down, I had been trying to take pics of her and I wanted one so bad of me and her together.  I swear, she looked at me and as if she said, Enough!

AC464BFD-5638-4784-941F-812108BDF853I looked at her and said, okay, no more. It was time.  I knew she was then ready although we were not, yet we were for her.

Today, is one month and to pick up the photo book from the store, then realizing it is the one-month anniversary, tears rolled and still.  Only four weeks but feels like forever ago.  I sure miss that dog. A6060541-60D2-4B17-B333-95FB74CF9D46

Who rescues who?  ❤️