Knock, Knock

223454F7-CE60-42DB-AF8F-45F74A35061FI stand at the door and knock. Awaiting for my son to open it as this mother was concerned. I was not leaving until he opened the door and planning to camp out, if need be.  As my patience grew weak and my anger grew in intensity, I found the peace and just prayed. I had to pray that I did not lash out words of anger but of love and encouragement. How can he allow his mother to stand somewhat patiently in the hallway of his apartment building while finishing up a video game? My mind went to the disrespect and anger, which followed easily enough. While I am patient, I understand that ‘in the middle of a game’ with guys it is crucial. I have had too many boys hang out in my home over the years to know different so I patiently and impatiently waited. Still, feeling that bit of frustration. I was determined to not leave and he knew it. A surprise visit, an hour away from home does not happen often but when it does, you best be ready to open the door. Mama is here!  I knew something was not right.

E2938424-E21B-4B9E-8694-356CF263FC05How can I stay frustrated though when the door is unlocked, opened and I see his 6’3″ frame before me and not love and hug him tight with tears? He is mine! No matter how tall, how old, how aggravated my inside was experiencing, he will always be mine. My child.

In life we mess up, we fail, our walk is not perfect, disappointment in ourselves and others, etc.  In those times, we want to hide and keep the door shut to those around us and ignore life or what happens in our world.  The point of depression and isolation can come and knock us for a loop and unsure how to get out of this tailspin.

While I understand his predicament, I also have been there many times.  In all of this, the guilt will hit me and the enemy is quick to accuse me that it is my fault. My fault because he is like me, I was and am a terrible mother and fill in the 60C181D6-80B5-4E82-84D4-4F3F62CB2E8Bblanks. Yes, he is like me, I was and am his mother and while I have made mistakes, I was and am also a great mother. So turning those lies into positive and to get the enemy off my back and out of my mind is what I did and do often.  Lies and fear must go.

My former counselor calls that rewiring your brain, too. We need to flip our thoughts to the positive. In my case with my son and the lies, etc., it is putting Satan in his place and acknowledging that the Lord is in control of this situation. Until next time and I’ll do the same. Back off!  A spiritual warfare on my behalf and definitely for my son.

Just like God, He will not give up on you, me, us. He will patiently stand at the door and knock; awaiting for the door to open and for us to acknowledge Him.  The love of a mother for her child is deep but He loves us so much more.

1BD2ADD3-56C8-40E2-96D3-E3543E5513DEMy present counselor mentioned the other day that he was reminded of me while reading the Bible and various writings that all seemed to relate.  I had told him of my surprise visit to my son’s apartment, standing at the door knocking.  The verse, “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock:  if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”  He knew of my love for my son and the concern I had plus my determination of not leaving him until I knew he was okay.  I loved that my counselor told me that and how this reminded him of me doing the same, I stand at the door and knock.

How great it is that He will never leave nor forsake us.  He awaits to hear us call upon Him.  He loves me.  He loves you. ❤️

Don’t Quit

E679E712-8355-41A0-8890-1AB87F22F88DOn my way home today from church, I heard the man on the Christian radio station mention and encourage those listening to not quit.

Whether it be your job, etc.   Life can be demanding and we may not like where we are in a position whether that be working, a marriage that is dying, health issue or whatever it may be. Discouragement and hopelessness takes over to the point you’d rather die.  Sadly, some do to suicide.

As I pondered what he said and knowing right now my son is in a place that is hard, wishing he could hear this brief message of encouragement himself.  I can see it, hear it and pretty well know he is struggling, as I am his mother.  My heart hurts for him. I know, too, that he has to work through this or I will enable him and that will not help at all.  I can pray. I have to trust the Lord through this process.  He has been through some rough periods before and while it was hard to endure, for him and for me, he did it.  I was so proud of him and he was proud of himself.  As we will be together this week, I hope to remind him of just that.  He can and will get through this, too.

In hopes of encouraging him, I remembered back to my own life and how I felt lost and hopeless.  It’s so hard. Actually many times, as I have had to deal with some issues that only the Lord knew about because I did not share with others.

5BA31D32-8549-4B04-8CA8-6AB0ACA545C6It was about twenty years ago, I did not care if I woke up when having gallbladder surgery.  I had a note prepared for my children and a cassette tape (so that was a long time ago) of my voice talking to them, just in case I did not come through surgery.  I remember the drive to the hospital and the hopelessness and sadness of my life felt.  My gallbladder was to be removed but my heart was so broken, I did not think I would make it.  I found myself so disappointed that I was still alive, and I can still remember that moment in recovery.  Talk about hopeless.  Nobody to share with, so alone and I was beginning to really doubt that the Lord knew me, cared, much less loved me.  I wanted to quit life!

Still, I did not quit, I kept moving forward. I was back to work the following week and just going through the motions there, at home and in life.  I was not happy.

Thankfully, I did not quit.  Has it been easy?  No.  Have I wanted to give up since?  Yes.  Many times.  Still, I know to keep going.  Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and be thankful that your heart and lungs know how to function without your help.  Keep going.

794281EB-67AA-4107-916D-BCB5EF146274It was when I heard this song, “He Knows My Name” by Tara Jackson and played the song over and over for the longest time and still one of my favorites.  He does knows my name and He knows where I am. Thank God.

Days, months, years passed and I did not quit. Finally confiding in a Counselor, it helped get myself together somewhat but he moved out of state after a year or so of counseling.  Alone again.

It was six years later, I had enough and that I knew I needed help so I begin to ask the Lord to lead and direct me to the right Counselor.  He did just that with four years of counseling with one of the best that changed my life and helped me put my faith and trust back in Him.  He was always there for me but being so hurt, my attitude, anger and rebelliousness was there also.  Was counseling easy?  No.  Many times I wanted to quit.

No matter what I am going through, whatever my son is going through right now or you as you are reading this, don’t quit.  We are just going through. While life can bring some hurdles and sadness, there are blessings and joy, too.  Look for the good in what is around you.

Tomorrow is another day if today sucks.  Get some rest.

EF7C7F99-5B30-4D9A-9CDA-4C6326862B7A

 

Lonely Child

It absolutely drives me crazy that I continue on this path in life and I want it to STOP.  Emotional exhaustion.2B8A306D-EEC3-451C-B4E5-72356F719629

All my life, I have been focused on others, usually a mother figure, and knew that it was because my mother and I were not close.  Mom was mom, I knew I was her daughter but no love expressed or shown, only one hug in my life that I remember.  Sad, so sad.

I would always connect well with older adults, men or women, as I welcomed their advice and direction. It’s with those that showed me care and concern though, the motherly women figures, I became attached.  I want more of their time, their advice and above all the care they gave me, the hugs.   This pattern continued over and over until time passed or I was hurt by something in the relationship and my view of them became disillusioned.

B3A64380-6F30-4C99-AA61-18391435F291Realizing the same thing did exist and still of my former counselor.  Transference.  According to what I have read, transference is typical and actually normal as it causes the client to relate with the counselor, as there is a trust that is built, which is what is needed in a therapeutic environment.  I get that but did not want this to happen yet again but it did.  

21322BA5-94BB-47E4-A4E2-DD75EBACAA0DThankfully, before she left her practice, we discussed my pattern in life many times and how this affected me.  I am unsure with her leaving, if she realized that I would struggle as much as I have.  I do.  Probably so, as she knew me quite well.  I really get tired of this and thoughts that continue though.  Nothing bad, nothing sexual but thoughts of I wish I could talk to her as I am unsure about this or that, questioning if she even thinks of me or remembers me now, hope I run into her, etc.  Make it stop.  Make this pattern stop.  Frustration of this seems to be a daily task, feeling the loss of an emotional attachment, the grief that is felt but more-so the abandonment yet again in my life, feeling lost in the I need you, I don’t know what to do, etc.  Normal.  Being a child not receiving the care and concern, this pattern exists, like it or not.

Tonight as I did some research and found some links, I was amazed that I am not alone.  This is way normal for many.  Go figure. Here I thought something was wrong with me and that, too, is a normal response to this pattern.  What is wrong with me, besides of feeling somewhat obsessed is the fact I did not get the love I needed as a young child and this enabled coping skills for me by seeking out those that will care and love me.

534C191C-A93A-4F2B-AB29-D73862F42095These websites gave some tips on how to stop this, usually in a girlfriend/boyfriend situation but can be interchanged also.  The link below is a post from Obsessed with the counselor’s reply.  Obsessed could be me writing this and I had to actually question if it was me but the date it was written was too early in our counseling together.  I understood Obsessed.

Also recommended that further thought be made as to when this all started in youth and examine this pattern. Acknowledge this and to not ignore the thoughts and feelings.  To be and feel the attachment and have the fear of abandonment is rooted here besides childhood emotional neglect that I have mentioned before in my writings.  I get that but finding that root has been exasperating but I am determined to be healed in this area.  I’m tired.

Life is interesting.  It’s hard at times.  I have learned through this and other areas within counseling and research that knowing I am not alone, healing begins and I adapt better.

Just knowing I am not alone.  It’s like a gift.

This is an area that in between counseling sessions, it is our due diligence to do further research to help ourselves.  Counseling sessions end after fifty minutes or so but can continue if you desire.

Learning more on transference and reading of others experiencing the same tonight, this was on my timetable and free plus nice to know I am normal.  Normal due to my situation.  Adult problems are childhood issues.

While I miss her as my counselor of four years, I probably will continue to think of her but maybe now not as much and have input how to help me overcome this pattern.  I know this is an area I have dealt with most of my life so I will struggle at times, with God’s Grace I will get through this.  No matter, I wish and pray the best for her.  I was blessed to have had her in my life and she will always be a part of my testimony.  Many times, I wish she would read my writings as she brought me to this point.  Although I hurt emotionally at times, I am not in the pit of hopelessness I was four years ago walking through her door.

My hope one day is that I can stand on a platform telling my testimony of emotional healing and God’s Grace upon my life through troubles and trials with her joining me to my right, holding her hand up in appreciation and praise to God.  God knows the desires of my heart and maybe one day this will come to pass.  I have hope.

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Most important is that only the Lord can fill the void within us with His Love.  ❤️

 

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/help-i-cant-stop-thinking-about-my-therapist

 

Despondent

How do you reach out when someone won’t let you reach in to help them?

I don’t know. I am a loss of how to do this with my own independent, grown child. I know there is something going on for him to be so distant. Breaking down the wall is like hell. I have tried to encourage him, expressed my concerns, hug him, pray for him and that is ongoing. The spiritual warfare in his life that I believe is happening, too, is pushing me in emotional bouts many times and fear that I have to constantly fight off and rebuke.3946f751-ac17-4c3c-912b-e2fc8617dc1c-580-0000001b98a7d097

Knowing full well that he is so much like me, I find myself angry at myself.  I understand the wall and isolation.  I know what it is like to be despondent while I work out issues.  I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed.  I do understand him and this is not a very easy or comfortable place to be.  Thankfully, I know I have to turn it over and ask the Lord to help me but does he?  I can pray and comment of just that but until he is ready to do that, the struggle remains.

As a mom, we will fight through hell and high water for our child(ren), taking a toil on us but that is a mother. Still the thoughts come that we are not doing enough and guilt is thrown in our face of not doing enough, have being a good enough mother and every other negative accusation possible. That is definitely the enemy at work. Bind and rebuke. Although it gets tiring, we must fight and push through.  Keep pushing through mama! While writing this to maybe encourage others, reminding myself, too.

I am unsure what all my son is dealing with but it must be a mountain to him. I feel it. I hurt for him. Knowing he can get through this, I wait. My faith and trust in the Lord to do what He must do in this situation, I wait.

I will reach out but my son has a choice to reach back out to me. He has a choice to seek the Lord and call upon Him.

I can nag, point my finger, show my Bible and demand church attendance but that would even push me away, even now as an adult but I can pray. I can and I do, sometimes begging the Lord to change the circumstances, as something is wrong.

Independence in life is needed and normal and I know he knows I am always here for him, his biggest cheerleader. The balance of enough to not enough contact is tricky, as I do not want him to feel forgotten, far from that.

As long as I can remain in peace feeling that the Lord has this, I am good but continue to pray. Always. When the enemy starts his game plan, I get in there and I fight. This spiritual warfare is on. I am not letting go of my son, my child.

Parenting is a blessing but can be so hard. It does not end at the legal age of eighteen but a lifetime of care, concern and prayers.

3738cb1a-bf6c-4bc1-a047-a65b0fd4a10d-580-0000001af60e7147Pray for God’s hedge of protection around them, their jobs, finances, friendships, etc., daily, wisdom, knowledge and the Favor of God to be upon them.

Do they know just how much we love them? A reminder that we need to remember how much God loves each one of us. ❤️

7b6aaf90-4632-44de-bd55-9b67a0b23f7d-580-0000001d0b6490c9

 

It’s So Me!

D2B8CE0C-1924-4D86-B084-6D5067FE9EDCYears have added to my life and shockingly a number I thought was just for old people. How did this happen?

All my life, until the last few years, I would dwell on and remember things I wish my age would let me forget. Memories of childhood, teenage years and as I matured remained like a video in my mind to keep me in shame and embarrassment. Knowing or feeling everyone remembered what happened and held it over my head.

Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

At times, I tested those waters somewhat to see if others remembered and they did not or perhaps they did and not want to embarrass me further. Getting to the root, it was shame all these years to keep me from being me. Of course, I do not want to do crazy stuff but not be so reserved and fearful to mess up to where I am not fully enjoying life but I was.

12B44691-6594-4EBF-B36E-FCE619490429I saw this video the other day and as I watched it, I laughed and then cried. I could see me and relate to both, the little girl in the white/pink dress and navy blue dresses in that video. I wonder and I fear for each of those girls and if they will be affected as I was. I do not wish that torment on anyone.A0F98A0E-CD4B-458A-B0E0-54464EB25C71

Back when I was in kindergarten, I was off most of the time due to a serious illness but was thrown in the group at graduation, just pushed through, now I realize.  I can still remember walking through the door to the stage, where I sat and stood in fear wanting to escape.  I understand the shyness in the sweet girl wearing the white/pink dress hiding behind her stuffed animal.  I hurt for her as I watch this video. While I was not informed of what to do or expect for graduation, I froze in fear. Afterward, I was laughed and comments were made for years it seemed because I did just like her.  I hid the best I could.  I graduated kindergarten but failed in emotional coping skills.

While this video is funny, it is sad.  They are all so sweet. I wonder how this will affect both of them especially and also the others in the class since this video went viral.  It will always be out there to haunt them.

It was finally around my tenth grade, I pushed through and got more involved in activities, school and working part-time job.   I even joined the drill team with the band and enjoyed.  Today, realizing while thinking about all of this, I realized I fell back in my shy, withdrawn ways, hesitant to step out, too, after I was sick with pneumonia that year and had to be off school for a couple of weeks.  So that meant missing practice.  Silly me, I loved the Christmas song by Brenda Lee (Rocking Around the Christmas Tree) that the performance was to play and she was a favorite of mine.  In my thinking, my devotion of that for her.  Although, she did not know me from anybody, but I felt I could carry this music dance performance off.  Today, when I hear that song, I cringe.  I failed miserably during that performance but stayed on the floor during the dance doing my own thing. Pretty much like the girl in the blue dress. No doubt, attention was on me on the gymnasium floor doing my own crazy thing oblivious, just as this little girl.  In my case, no confidence at all.  I can still to this day remember my place on the floor, my thoughts of fear and thinking how can I run off this floor while swinging my arms to the music. Let me cringe for a moment.

Just up until a few years ago, this performance was on my mind way too much. Still. Embarrassed over something forty-two years ago.  I let it hinder me.  Realizing shame was to blame.  Shame covered me in many ways through my life but is slowly being ripped away.

Who cares.  No doubt each one of us has a similar story or incidents we would like to forget.  Hopefully, you have not carried shame around as long as I did.

I’m learning to shrug my shoulders a lot more nowadays.

Shake it off! Move on and enjoy life.

 

To watch the video, click on the link below.  I promise you, laughter will occur.

Dancing 5-Year-Old Steals Show At Pre-School Graduation And The Video Has Made Millions Smile

Lock the Damn Door!

30189D04-BCD5-4CB7-9D4F-1C00CCB0582EHow many times do I have to say or write a post-it note so that he will get it? This drives me absolutely insane. Perhaps that is the plan.  Hmm…

We live on a street with apartments and new people move in all the time, some of not so great reputation. While the last few months have been quiet, that was not always the case due to drug dealers, drug busts, fights, etc.  I have the pictures to prove up to ten police cars, fire trucks and ambulances at one time, at various times.  What fear it brings when pulling into our short, dead-end street to see all these emergency vehicles in front of my home and in my driveway, at times, too.

It has been nuts and one weekend, about a year ago, I placed heavy blankets on our front windows so we could move about in our own home. Not a good situation to live in fear within your own home.  Thankfully, that wild, drug-dealing group is gone.

The buildings are in bad shape, which is another reason rent is so cheap that keeps this situation reoccurring time after time.  The buildings cannot last much longer, although I have been saying that for years.  I have hope!  For us to move, we could end up elsewhere with same issues plus I like my house.

C214E6AF-EC51-44CA-B2F1-74F67FD3F799So, my husband goes out to mow and tend to the yard.  He goes out the front door, leaving it unlocked while working in our backyard. Nowadays, you do not leave your house unattended to, such as a garage, front door unlocked, etc.  This is not Mayberry anymore.  Still, today B50A5EDA-FB10-497C-B6CF-96915D61C3F9I just walked in, unlocked door, and he is in back mowing.  Fear hits, more times than others, of what could be or could happen. As many times as we have had this conversation, it is a lack of respect for me and my safety, I feel.

Having someone in my home back many years ago when I lived with my parents and while I was home for lunch, not knowing but gut instinct, it all started to add up days later with things missing.  I remember thinking my parent’s bedroom door was closed more than usual and thought that was odd.  Realizing later, he probably was behind the door.  It brings a violation of our privacy and fear.  My husband knows of this incident and of my concerns.  Still he repeats.

5D9C3255-3689-4DF5-8130-93BB076CF6CCAs you and I both know, drugs will cause people to do whatever.  While I may not have the perfect ten for a body and with my age but thoughts of rape are there, as I am still a woman and I have heard worse incidents of such.  To be hit and knocked out in order to steal, shot or even killed is not uncommon these days.  When I am home alone, I keep my doors locked. Not necessarily out of fear but just common sense.

There is a movie that I enjoy watching called, The Help. Odds are you have seen it, too.  The young girl opens the door and goes into the office for an interview and then when she leaves and the boss screams both times, ‘shut the damn door’ so I think of that scene and hear his voice each time I walk into my unlocked house but thinking or saying, ‘lock the damn door.’  In my frustration, humor is needed.

No matter where we are, whether it be in our homes, out walking or shopping, vacation, in the car, etc., we must pray and trust the Lord to put a hedge of protection around us.

B479B773-54B0-4A1D-B09B-861DEBECCB3B

 

 

Play Dead

2F8555C6-80C8-4770-8A15-43CA9D4A83CBLife has a way of throwing one for a loop sometimes.  For the most part, it is good and a happy, fun time but other times, it can make you shake your head and stop you in your tracks.  Just overwhelmed.
For whatever reason, I gave thought the other day of the load I have carried for many, many years and while now it is easier due understanding many areas, but I was weighted down.  The stress was too much. Probably typical of each person as responsibility and burdens comes and increases due to all types of situations.    Apparently, that day I was feeling the load of stress and of life in all areas.8312B0AB-877A-43E4-8E96-918D3FA704E5
Back when I was in a counseling session with my former counselor, we went through this several times of looking at various little hard-rubber animals sitting on the table near to where I was sitting (frog, raccoon, beaver, opossum and a couple of others) and I had to figure out which one represented me.  As crazy as it was, each time we did this, it was the possum.  The reason being, it was the load I always had to carry and still.  Many of their characteristics, I can relate to. Today, I’d still pick the same.
Although we never discussed in counseling what these silly animals represented and why we played that so-called Therapy game, I will always wonder why, her thoughts and the reasoning behind this task in counseling.
Just a month or so ago when writing this, dealing with a final decision of a serious matter, as I normally have to make because I knew my husband would not make, it was on my mind.  Plus, recently dealing with my son being overwhelmed and crazy enough, I felt it today myself.  Frozen in the anxiety of it all.  Do you ever feel overwhelmed?
63D69FAD-7D0E-456F-A846-3CCD4F8D774CSo at those times, when over my load limit, overwhelmed and all, I guess I just want to play dead as the  possum will do. I’m tired, I cannot go much more, etc.
Just as an ole possum, it gets back up and continues on with life just as we all do.  Just life!
3AB4BF1E-E8BC-4E59-B753-31CABD66A70FSo no matter what is before me, my son or if you are overwhelmed take a break and then get back up and continue on.  It’s just temporary.
You’ve Got This!  😊