Turn The Page

How could I miss this appointment, I rehearsed yet again tonight. This is not like me. At a point of beating myself up over such a minor thing. Of course, the thought that I am losing it enters my my mind. I am old. No! I will not accept the forgetting process, as I am still pretty sharp. Maybe too much on my mind though. That settles that!

My mind wonders over the day of why I forgot this appointment, as it is not like me. The call, hearing “where are you?” and it all came back to my remembrance.

Here it is Tuesday, feels like Monday after a holiday. I usually don’t work all day on Tuesday. It is the last day of the month. My wall calendar at the office reads June already. I probably should have waited on that change. Even my personal calendar, I looked at June today. So it all makes sense. Still, I hate to miss an appointment. I did. Done.

So, as I look at all the reasons and get over the fact I forgot, I was reminded that I am to turn the page. What was is no more. New day, new time, new month. I’m ready to go forward. Let it go.

In that, it is a good thing. Moving forward. Looking over my life with just this oversight and of some things I never ever want to go through again or anyone else experience, you must turn the page.

Don’t dwell on past mistakes, missed appointments or the many disappointments in life. I remained stuck for so long, for years, I do not want to do that anymore.

There’s freedom in turning the page.

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.”

I Love You Enough

I went through with a plan today that I made months ago, and it seemed like the right solution but today I questioned myself. Should I or should I not? I hate that period of second guessing myself. I did it though, which was the right decision.

My heart felt otherwise and saddened. I tried to remain strong, but I knew good and well that when one tear falls, the waterfall of other tears will gush through with no way of stopping them and last for a bit.

My husband was already an emotional mess, so I had to keep a straight face. I did fine on the twenty-five-minute drive but the moment my car stopped, and I opened my car door, it was another story. It did not last. Onward we went, all four of us crying.

In all of my life of having cats off and on, whether it be one or two, but the last three years have been eight. Yes, eight. We had two of our choosing for years and it was great. Since we tended to be a good drop off point or neighbors in the duplexes nearby left their fur babies, which then became ours. It was when one brought her liter of three is when we realized we had a house full. We would not let them starve or be cold. Vet visits were a lot of planning and work, not forgetting the expense. Then there is feeding them.

Mama Cat with her babies

There’s a quote that reads something like, I work hard so my pets can have a good life. True! It’s not cheap.

The next to the last one to come from who knows where, was Mouse. He stayed in our garage the last three winters. His name Mouse was due to his gray fur, which was an ugly gray as a mouse but has turned out so pretty as he aged. He is spoiled, as he had his own space with an electric blanket that surrounded his comfy bed. He was the bully, there is always one, which is why he stayed in the garage.

I have held more than a few pets upon their last breath in my lifetime. I never wanted my pets to feel alone but feel my warmth and a last hug as the Vet does his job, which was a last option due to age and/or illness. There comes a time when you say when, it’s enough. Another hard decision but loving them enough to not suffer is showing love and care.

Today was not that though, it was surrendering two cats to a no-kill shelter. I visited the shelter weeks ago to see the living conditions and ask a million questions. I know full well they will be cared for and adopted out soon, but I had no further control of caring for them once I signed the paperwork. Letting go, saying goodbye and walking out the door leaving them was as hard as a death. No more.

Mouse
Elmo

Still, deep within, I know they will have life yet to live with hopefully a loving family that will one day say they cannot imagine life without Elmo or Mouse. I pray that is the case for each sweet baby.

We went out to eat lunch afterwards, not in celebration, but we were hungry. Now he was fine, and I am crying at one point, as I wonder how Elmo is doing. There was no stopping the tears while waiting for our food. Again, the floodgates were open and ready to flow.

Elmo was hiding in the corner behind the dryer looking at me as I said my final goodbyes, a couple of times. I think it was a look of hate. I just wanted to pull that dryer out and grab him. Apparently, it is a popular place for newbies, the shelter lady said, which is typical for cats.

He was tired so he will get to his personal, safe pen before the shelter closes and sleep the night. Poor Elmo had anxiety and felt abandoned and already rejected by his mother. We still have her. He never grew apart from her, but she did from him, which is natural. I would see him follow her in the yard, still after three years. It is like I could hear him, “Wait mommy, don’t leave me.”

I understand the pain of abandonment and rejection, so I understood him all this time. Here I did the same. Maybe his look at me was asking, “Why? Why are you leaving me?” because even with that, I understood. I said those same words years ago myself. That’s where I lose it and become emotional. Elmo, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Forgive me.

To make sense of my decision is to know of his behavioral pattern of marking places where his mama had been, watching her every move. Plus, too many cats in our house. He needs to be in a one cat house to have the love and attention he deserves. I so hope he gets this, and I have to trust that he does and is not mistreated. We have had this crew since birth so there has been a bonding.

I have to forgive myself for this big change in our home and in his life. My heart hurts for him but I love him enough that he deserves a new home.

I deserve to have my home and to have open doors instead from keeping him from rooms, which is not fair to me or the other cats. It caused me to be upset when I would see a marking. Never major but still enough. This was a big decision and a big step. I hope he can settle after the newness of the shelter and away from his mama and that I, too, can settle from the anxiety of leaving him. I will not miss keeping a keen eye on areas and clean.

So as the nighttime rolls around now, his first night away from home in three years, wondering if he is okay and Mouse, too, I will probably do this for a while at times with regret but also having a freedom.

Grief is grief. While we expect it with death, there is still grieving when losing someone living. Today, it goes for pets, too. I love you enough, it hurts.

Tied Up In Knots

Many years ago, while we were in the thick of the pandemic, I sent my son a wind-chime as he had the perfect place. I love wind chimes.

He had just moved into this place with a back yard that reminded me of Gatlinburg. It was in the middle of a big city but hidden. I always loved to visit and help clean up the yard or help him in the house, giving it a mother’s touch and food on the stove.

This was such a big change for him. He had never enjoyed yard work growing up, as most kids, but this place captivated him and his time, as we were all home bound. This was actually a move of God for him to be in this place at this time.

Prior, he had an apartment by himself and with his work, being able to work from home, he was isolated from people. He is a people person. Work was demanding and placed him alone in this apartment for hours at a time, getting overwhelmed and I knew depression was grabbing hold. He is a lot like me so I recognized what was happening. I have written about him several times in my blog here. The Lord has a calling on his life, he knows it. Sometimes, running away from such seems like it will work but it won’t. I have been there, too. You can run but can’t hide.

This big house and yard came available and two roommates joined him and it was perfect for all three. Again, a God thing. I feel if it had not taken place, especially with the stay at home ruling, I may not have a son right now. Depression sucks life from you.

I am proud of him to move forward but also seek help from a doctor. It’s okay to take anti-depressants, if just for a bit to get through whatever. Some may feel that is a lack of faith and place that condemnation on you but it is not their journey and none of their business. Take care of you.

The wind chime arrived and soon was hung up in the tree making the sounds that some love or hate. He was not so sure at first and him and a roommate had to put a cord around them, to stop ringing. We laughed over this but soon they enjoyed the sounds and how pretty it was in the backyard.

Things happen and another move to a smaller, better house and by now the ban from leaving home and restrictions were lifted. This house had no real place to hang the wind chime. A little tree in front had to do so it would not get tangled. It is a long wind chime, perfect for the other yard.

Time went by and it remained and ringing but either wind or the neighbors twisted it up and now it was jumbled up and not pretty looking or sounding. He threw it in the shed. I was saddened but understood.

Recently, he was coming home. I have a great yard and trees so I told him to bring to me and I’ll use and enjoy once I get it back to it’s purpose, so he did.

Oh my! It was a mess. I had no idea of how this would ever be put back together. As I watched television one night, I thought I would tinker with it, one tube under, another one over and continued.

It was overwhelming. I would work on it and put it down and try another night. A couple of times I was tempted just to pitch. Not worth my time. Looking at it though, the tubes were pretty, the string was strong but it was tied up so bad. I just wanted to give up.

Isn’t that just like life? There are things we need to do and conquer but it is too hard. Thinking there is no way it can happen. Hopelessness enters our minds and we stop.

I laid this out on the floor, which was for a good week. Each night I would move tubes under and over and I started to make headway. I’d get frustrated and stop. I knew I had to keep going and finish. I have come too far to end. Again, life experiences we deal with.

I finally got the tubes and string in order. What a fantastic feeling to conquer. While I still have to hang the tubes correctly, I will attempt. I will also go through the frustration and hopelessness of it not being right. Still, I will move forward. Soon, it will be hanging in my tree and I will enjoy knowing its history and the pain to get there.

Again, life. We have to keep moving forward and not give up. Many trials and misfortunes may come but soon if we don’t give up, there’s joy and a pride within ourselves that we made it through.

This hopefully will be something that will strengthen you or my son’s ability to keep moving forward whenever times get tied up in knots and it seems there is no way out and feeling like throwing our hands up in defeat. A story his mom has written, understanding him and how each one of us struggle at times. Life experiences. Life happens.

Don’t give up.

It all falls together