So Far Away

65490DC3-452C-45F7-AD65-26E398698941There is nothing more upsetting than a phone call at 3:17 a.m. answering and hearing your son crying uncontrollably.  Asking what is wrong?  Are you okay? Where are you? Trying to remain calm in order to calm him and his mind but inside I am a total, emotional mess. The sobbing is lessening but he is still crying and expressing what he is going through. Working out of town and being almost three hours away.

Do I jump in my car and go to him or do I talk him through the night until he regains control, which I did for two hours. Finally, he sounds like my son again and getting a grip from being overwhelmed with life upon his shoulders, tiredness and hungry.

I prayed for him as he cried, we discussed how this is when he needs to call out upon the Lord. Reminding him of God’s love.4F868FBC-6E7F-4427-82F3-42DEF5B8006C

We talked about everything imaginable in order to redirect his thoughts and emotions in order to drive home safely. His awareness of the Lord was definitely there and has been.

He was telling me that earlier in the day, driving to the event he was working, there was a wreck in front of him. A semi and a car ahead of him, the car rolled over. This scene has played in his mind since, seeing the girl in the car. He did not stop to help. The regrets were tugging at his heart since but also knowing he was just feet from being involved, too, as his car skidded but then straightened and moved out of the way. The fear that was felt seeing a semi headed in your direction but then control of the car happened. Son, please recognize that was the Hand of God, and he knew it. He regrets that he did not help the girl and pray with her. This whole accident right before his eyes will haunt him for a bit if not longer, as it replays in his mind. It was traumatic as it would anyone.

123CDAA3-91F5-4F89-AC41-00F76C3413F2Now thinking back of it all and how he was afraid to drive home. Not only fear but shock. While working, he had to focus on his job and was with others, but afterward and alone, it was all when it all hit by feeling it was all unreal but knowing it was real.

Hearing what he was telling me, it definitely could have been worse. I had to deal with my own panic and fear knowing how close he was to this accident. I’ll take my son crying uncontrollably three hours away, as I thank God for keeping him safe.

He was open to hear me pray, thanked me for being his mother, a shining light to him and everything a mom wants to hear but not in this manner and or distance between us. I want my boy! My arms cannot reach him but God’s arms are around him. I, too, must trust Him at this time.

Just this past week, in a job he was filming, I thought to myself, that this is not an ordinary job but was orchestrated by the Lord.  There has always been a calling  of God on his life, he knows it.D0074098-EB99-4F90-8242-C5139FC4C38E

As he sits in the empty parking lot, looking at the stars of which we also discussed, I told him this is a great time to surrender his life to the Lord, He’s calling.

I had my bags packed to travel the three hours, if need be. Myself praying for direction, what am I to do Lord? Do I go, do I stay?  I’m here, waiting for his check-ins every thirty miles, as he is together enough to drive. There is no rest until I know he pulls his car in his driveway and calls to say, Mom, I’m home.

As you read my blog, this one especially, as I have shared others blogs about my son, would you please say a prayer for him? Thank You! ✝️

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Did Done Do

As I drive home the back roads many times, I go over a tall bridge that has a sharp curve. If you are going too fast, it would be easy to crash into the guardrail or even fly over it causing death no doubt or some very serious, severe injuries.02084FD9-C8BF-4CB1-AD06-1BEB36C908E1

I have made it a point to pray, and yesterday was no different while finishing up my errands and heading home, going over the bridge. Nobody has or ever noticed that I make a ‘V’ or the common peace sign with my fingers, as we all know. My ‘V’ means VICTORY to me. If I am alone, I start praying before the bridge, on the bridge and until I come around the bend to the stop sign.C516BA80-E016-48E1-86A9-92B55D283FE9

Praying for the victory that I have experienced of what He did in my life, what He has done and what He is doing, thanking the Lord for each area.

Since late 2017, my outlook on life took a major shift. I felt stuck in a relationship of a sad, lonely marriage knowing Aspergers with him causes this in many married relationships. I felt no joy and also dealing with being an empty nester. I would go to work then come home and repeat daily and when home, isolate myself. Depression was always hovering over me for years and thoughts of no desire to live, definitely common, a bad place to be.

At this time and for a couple of years, I had been in counseling. Even with counseling, it seemed as though we would make progress and while we did, there were times the burden of everything was just overwhelming. I could not see a way out of many areas in my life. Just stuck.04C93810-D2B5-4F48-8F06-E93A994CDEEE

It was at a time the counselor and I were deep into something discussed, too much apparently. I was told by her also that she would be leaving on vacation and longer than usual. My mind screaming, NO! I cannot handle this alone, even though I knew she would return, but I also knew she needed time away like all of us. At this given time, it was just too much for me to handle. I remember her and I discussing this time away and that my emotions were more extreme than usual.

914CF29D-6748-4344-90AD-2A779CA18877As a child reaching out grasping for her mother, crying please don’t leave me is how I see it played out in my mind. Understandably so, due to the childhood emotional neglect, rejection, abandonment and apparent separation anxiety all uncovered in counseling that helped me understand myself. I can still remember that day and feel the panic within, today. I was a grown adult but having childhood issues not dealt with fully or healed, this area was triggered big time.

The enemy has one plan for me, you and each of us that walk this earth and especially a message to help others, which is to kill, steal and destroy. I knew this but fighting through the mental torment, the bend in the bridge was a common thought and that I knew the enemy was tormenting 23E9BE85-9FC6-4B79-9D20-9DD72F026FB8me with this area. Just end it all. The panic set in but thankfully she was wise enough to discern and recognize my complete breakdown happening. The battle is in the mind as Joyce Meyer speaks of in her books and messages. True!

As I regret and I am saddened now to know I gave thought to this and wanting to give up, I cannot and will not go over that bridge without my ‘V’ while holding the steering wheel and either praying aloud when alone or in my mind while with others, if driving or as a passenger.  I will not forget where I came from and that time in my life and the discussion between my former counselor and I.

Hopelessness is real to so many, especially nowadays, and I get it. Hoping one day I can encourage others to keep going forward toward their VICTORY.

F39001F8-F924-4535-A9F1-7580709F3C0DWhile I missed her while on vacation and the trigger of anxiety and abandonment exploding due to my childhood issues, I survived and visited my family doctor for an anti-depressant.  It was time and encouraged before she left on vacation. I was an emotional mess and I am not like that. The prescription was filled and now in my hand, as I looked at reviews and was scared of the side effects, not knowing what to do B8D24BF5-0AA0-40B0-95E0-002CFD84D8BCnow. I needed my counselor to help me know and to be there for me. Trust me, I felt lost and alone yet again in life and panic set in. Lord, what am I to do?

Just as in this situation, feeling all alone and reaching for help but nobody there, that was when I called out to God to help me. My faith in Him and trust in people through the years definitely wavered although I knew deep down He had His Hand on me. As a new Christian back in 1978, the words, He would not leave me nor forsake me, became 164DA00B-60FF-488E-8BDF-656F8BF16E96real to me and I held onto them since. I knew He knew my name and where I was. He was my only hope. My Christian counselor also suggested that I get in any altar calls at church, so I swallowed my pride and did just that. Desperation! Nobody knew the reason but the Lord and my counselor knew what I was going through and of the torment within my mind. I needed victory over this area.

As hard as that period was, a major shift occurred within me. Still today, I am thankful that I went through it because I had to be vulnerable enough to speak openly and honestly to my counselor, where I had never shared those deep, dark thoughts with anyone. Again, the enemy wanted to kill, steal and destroy me. He knows that I have encouragement for others and that I will give God all the glory whether in my writings or spoken. 1015D998-96A8-4673-A5EF-FB9E5F56C245

I have not been the same since as I had to make a decision to live or to die and in that sense, that could be physically or spiritually. I am more alive today than ever, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. Thank God!

5D78F3CE-255C-43DE-9CD2-B0FCA2AC8817What He did and has done in me, I know He will do more so that I can encourage others to have hope for tomorrow.

Thats GOD! That’s VICTORY!  TRUST HIM! ❤️

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Son Up, Son Down

C0F7572C-8427-49F4-90C1-1FC70020B394Yes, it is just that, son up, son down; not sun up, sun down, in this writing.

As a parent of two adult sons, one is just like me when I was young and conflict is battling between us, at times, as we are both headstrong. I have made my mistakes, and still do, but I have learned many things through the years. I know within myself I am trying to  prevent some heartache for him but knowing also I cannot. He must walk this road himself and experience life, good or bad. It is not to say that my heart does not ache in the process to know and to watch him fumble in areas. Would he listen to me anyway? No. I wouldn’t at his age so I understand but it is so hard.

E635C634-89BF-4693-A4DA-99BE40FACAECBeing a mother, the best role ever and I feel blessed to have this opportunity in life with my sons but sometimes it is the hardest role in life. Sometimes, well many, many times, I am so proud and at times just wanting to throw my hands up in exhaustion but still remain faithful to my child(ren) in love but not enabling; having a balance with each personality, etc. My heart screams out at times, Lord, I do not know what to do or how to help.EB1E6905-6FE6-48D0-A84C-B03E4491AE54

Turning our fear and brokenness over to God is all that we can do. He knows my son(s) better than I do. Of course, He does but that’s my son in our selfish thinking and no doubt He just smiles knowing my child, you also are mine, reminding me I am His. I know your concern, worries and I see your tears over your child at this time. Trust Me!  In that, I have to let go and Trust Him.

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Letting go and letting them stretch their wings but wanting to hold on is so hard. I have given them both space to grow, think independently, make decisions, etc., and they have done well, but I am their mom, I need to step in to help. Right? Again, No!

I read this comment from a mother to another and how perfect. Your parenting in the flesh is over.” “It’s time to parent him in the Spirit. Pray for your son(s) and/or daughter(s) and trust God to do what you cannot do — and He will.”  Just with that, the love I know of the Lord and has for each one of us releases me to trust Him. I do not need to fret and have sleepless nights and worry. I, of course, will always love, care and pray for my children. Yes, the worry and concern will pop back into the picture at times, yet to be reminded of this very wise advice, brings faith in knowing God can take care of our child(ren). To think, He does not need our help. That’s God!C84B3BD5-9AB5-47B3-84ED-C27369A9408B

In knowing that my son has dealt with some depression this past year has made this task a wavering one from fear to faith and back again. My son is up but sometimes my son is down. Aren’t we all like that at times?  As a mother, we do not want to see the down, depressive side but at least he is open with me and I can discern the ups and downs. No matter, son up or son down, I will love and support him from sun up to sun down every day of my life, hoping he will know after my death that his mother loved him.D167416F-69FA-49C4-878A-4EFDECE646B1

Respect your adult children’s need to make their own way, to grapple with the issues, morals, and cultural complexities of their generation. Give them space to learn and grow just as you did.”

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Past Present Future

36859847-8A5A-4506-85AE-45C768209177Last night, as I stood at my kitchen counter cutting up vegetables for our Christmas dinner, I could not help but to think of how many others are doing just the same.  While some are celebrating Christmas already and the joy felt in these homes, with children screaming with delight DD51C1EB-378A-4FE8-A277-60E216708330or perhaps a child already crying over something while a mother and father are exhausted from putting the final touches for their Christmas celebration.

Thinking back of the excitement and anticipation of Santa from when I was a child and then with my own children, all of these thoughts helped me with the ache in my back standing there which seemed like all day, to be one step ahead in my preparation.

It was from joy and excitement in my thoughts to the sadness and the thought of many not feeling so joyous and depression knocking at their door or worse. Within this time span over my vegetable plate prepared, I went from past, present and future in my thoughts, somewhat like the Christmas movie, A Christmas Carol. 2FE8E5A0-AEE6-4AEE-AEA2-0642BDF58916

Sadly, I remember being in that state, too. No matter where each of us are in this vast array of emotions that exist, the Lord sees and knows our name and where we are. Some may doubt and question that with an undertone or outright anger of not so, how could He? Questioning His love and care. I understand that as I have been there also. While I knew different deep within, I sure did not feel anything, trust Him or anybody else for that matter. I was angry with Him, myself and with others and life itself. Definitely not a fun place to be.

E3539BCD-8F78-43EC-B951-77380D63FC33I did not understand the emotional pain endured for years and the isolation I put myself in while wearing a mask with work or public appearances. I definitely struggled, fighting through a depressive state. Thank God I had my children as they were my focus to hold on but even in that, I am sure they did not feel the true joy in my life, as their mother. Still, I managed and I am here, perhaps just for someone to read my own experiences and to give hope. Thank God, He did not give up on me.C9E4F7BB-A203-43A8-B2D8-B6A10C44C797

Sometimes life does not turn out to the expectation we had hoped for in our mind. I never thought I would go through what I did and have but I did, I went through. Is my life perfect? No. I can say that my mindset is a lot better though. I had to work on myself and trust God to get me to this point. I am with myself 24/7 as you are with yourself. If you want change, you need to change, not for anyone else.0EE32B92-F35F-43A1-B892-A24959108EDE

While I had my church and my faith in God, I pulled away  in the isolation of the depression hovering 6515C897-7ED1-4B84-B58C-82A4B6C554AAover my head. As the Bible says, the enemy is out to kill, steal and destroy. He wanted to knock me out.

After years of mental torment of unworthiness and everything else that I believed to be true, I went for counseling, this was five years ago. Best decision ever. Was it easy? No. It was worth my time, money and the emotional ups and downs of understanding myself and in healing many 8A5C9536-F5E4-41B6-A135-16B18934163Abroken areas of my life, which I am still working on and plan to continue. This was my past and is my present.

In the present, I am feeling excitement and joy as I once did in life or perhaps and honestly moreso. I am looking forward to the future to finish out my years with the same and more. It took one step forward and sometimes two backward to get here, and still, but I keep moving forward and desiring more, trusting the Lord. I wanted a change, and that’s a start from the past to be present now and my goal for the future.95C57C62-1A6C-4305-952C-7547691BC035

As we go into the new year and resolutions are made and many broken, do not let that hinder you, it happens. Still, set a goal for a healthier you because it is only YOU that can make this happen. You are worthy. Trust Him.

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Christmas Slump

It’s that time of the year and for days and weeks, maybe months now, we have all been gearing up for Christmas. There is a sense of joy as we celebrate the holiday season, decorating, a time of gift-giving, paying forward is a common occurrence, cooking delicious recipes as well as making batches of cookies and candies, families and friends coming together plus seeing the colorful lights and decorations strung around wherever we go. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Right?

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It really is wonderful to experience the joy mention but sadly many do not. Many do not know the true meaning of Christmas, representing the birth of Christ.

In myself, I do enjoy the season and everything about it, wishing I had more time to experience the lights, shows, etc., and while I have done so more this year, there is also a dread underlying within me because I know how it affects me after Christmas.

Christmas Ornaments on Wood BackgroundIn the holiday season, the vivid colors of red and green while other colors are splashed around, the decorations that adorn homes inside and out for all to admire, the ornaments that are hung with care while many have a memory or a story attached to share and perhaps a tear or two wiped, smelling the cookies and desserts baked plus enjoyed. There are so many joyous moments and then it all goes away, quicker than it came. Months of building hope, joy and love and then poof, it’s over.

Soon after Christmas Day or maybe after the new year, everything is taken down and put away until next year. Now everything seems bleak and dull. I find it is sad. I know with me, it takes me a couple of weeks to get back in the swing of things and adapt to the norm, awaiting for the next holiday but nothing compares to Christmas of the beauty and happiness all around.6F5E347F-259A-436B-967C-F476AC1B1D78

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) exists in many whether it be for the holidays or winter months moreso than the rest of the year perhaps due to less daylight and sunshine.

Depression hits more in the holiday season as we miss those no longer with us, our emotions are touched and memories seem to be heightened of the past and being unsure of the future. Hope is lost somewhat in the hustle and bustle within many.

Remember to notice and know yourself enough and to get medical help if needed. This happens for many and normal to feel the blues at times but not all the time. Take care of you through the most wonderful time of the year but also all year long.  The holiday blues happen.

0F88B310-D4DF-41E3-93D7-8B1242901DE9While most of us are going through the season with joy and excitement, let’s pay attention to those around us that may not be. Whether it be now or throughout the year, too; sometimes just a kind word, a pat on the arm or even a smile is a gift to some.  Feel free to share, it costs nothing.

Merry Christmas and may the year 2020 be the best ever.

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https://www.verywellmind.com/holiday-blues-4771716

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder

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I Cancelled Thanksgiving

5C2A1F8F-F0E8-4B04-B87F-AC23C8C8CD13This time last year, my life was going in all directions, feeling lost, abandoned, grieving, overwhelmed and well, you get the picture.

There was an excitement just months prior of me enrolling in a medical class, which was a big step for this old girl.  I finally felt empowered enough to move forward after many years of feeling hopeless.  Counseling for years was helping me cope and understand myself plus my faith knowing I could do this and my dreams and desires were coming alive. Wonderful.  Life was good.

It was in September though as classes started and my counselor of almost four years decided to close her office due to medical issues, of course, unexpectedly. While I understood and was concerned, I could not help but feel abandoned by her.  My heart was hurting and my emotions were everywhere.

I would work full-time, go to class in the evenings and when I left, I sat in my car and cried, the grief was too much.  This class was too much.  My life was too much. 6315B5C0-B00E-4882-B65D-6B42AD8F745AHow can I do this? Overwhelmed was an understatement.

Through all of this turmoil within, I also knew I had to put a Thanksgiving dinner together for my husband’s family and our own, although my oldest son, now married would be with his wife’s family several states away.  The month of November was one with my nose in the medical book, studying for finals the week before Thanksgiving, my house not ready and no desire to go forward, just managing the best I could. My surprise was to get a 94 on my final, which shocked me completely. The joy of the results disappeared soon after, as I was still falling apart within and now no counselor to counsel me, left totally in the dark.  Now the anger was more prevalent due to it all.

Being so overwhelmed and grieving, I cancelled  Thanksgiving.  I did. I was done.

Thanksgiving Day was lonely in my home, just like any other day.  My youngest son, living an hour away, decided to stay at his home.  I offered for him, me and his father to go out and eat but he had no interest. Loneliness all around with depression raining down on each of us.

Finally, it was late that night when I spoke to my son, instead of texting.  In the voice, a lot can be heard and discerned.  I knew he was sad over no Thanksgiving.  He probably thought that since his older brother was not present, he was not worth it.  Still, that thought brings 4BD339ED-93A0-4EE6-BECF-84F34CD16FEDsadness all over me.  I will NEVER cancel Thanksgiving or a family gathering again.  He did not know my circumstance and the struggle I was dealing with but I was wrong.

In our telephone call, with my motherly instinct, thank God, I told him to get ready as I am coming down to his house.  It was dark and late but off I went to be with him, I apologized and told him I will never do that again.  We went to eat, get groceries, do all of his laundry and went bowling at midnight.  We both had fun and I put a pot of chili in his crock pot to enjoy the next few days.  In the end, he received my undivided attention and his mother’s love. He needed me and I needed him.

This year we will have the family in for Thanksgiving and if I get the house clean, fine and if not, fine.  I learned my lesson.959C31B5-EC01-444A-AF14-044F96E476B1

Thanksgiving is the holiday where people come together. At least, that’s what most of us are conditioned to believe. While Thanksgiving has the potential to be the most inclusive and unifying holiday on the calendar — particularly for families — it also has the potential to generate the most loneliness.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-closeness/201511/4-reasons-thanksgiving-is-the-loneliest-holiday

Holiday Depression, it happens! 

https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/holidays#1

Self-Care During the Holidays, it’s needed!

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-self-care-during-the-holidays/

30 – 60

Next month marks two big events in my life.  I am unsure how to handle these occasions although they will come and go whether I like it or not.

2C0279E6-C4D8-48E0-B45C-04A63DC01C33Just yesterday I was in my twenties, thirties, forties and, of course, fifties.  Now, the BIG 60.  How did that happen so quickly? I also often wonder how I and/or we have made it to our 30th anniversary.  Wow!  30 years!389EAFA5-9581-4788-AF1B-6FC6D46B9E41

Thinking back, the twenties were me finding my independence and partying in the first part, being young and stupid. The second half, I realized that is not the life for me and because I knew, too, the Lord was drawing me to Him and needed to get my Christian walk straight. It was time to stop running, which I did. To have a complete stranger say to me one night, “You need to quit running from God” definitely got my attention. I knew that was a warning. Later, I met a man at church and we dated three years and married four days before my thirtieth birthday.

My thirties, well our first year of marriage was not enjoyable, to be honest.  Several days before our wedding, with all plans made, etc., I remember standing in the church parking lot looking at this man with the thought to call off the wedding.  Of course, I did not.  Thinking, it was just cold feet and nervousness.  Was it?  It did get better and even more so with my first and second child born in the next few years, they were and are my life. I loved our little family.

145F47B7-AD82-4284-AD28-7B1F1C3F5147As I was busy with toddlers and caring for my aging parents, things changed in those years. My parents passed within two years of one another, then dealing with the estate and family issues.  Sadly, my marriage died, too.  Alone within and being private while wearing a mask of us all being a happy Christian family. Taking this all upon me, as it was all my fault, accepting the lies and rumors being spread that I am a bad person, etc., was weighing heavy upon me.

I remember my fortieth birthday, like it was yesterday.  My small office had cream colored carpet that I had just moved into but it was dirty from the traffic pattern of the other person walking in and out.  I wanted a nice, inviting office with clean carpet. We were slow that day so I got on my hands and knees scrubbing the carpet, 4718957F-EA4C-495C-A61C-C9DD39DDC3D5thankfully not a large space.  While scrubbing, I remember thinking I am just like the fairytale we have all read, Cinderella.  As for much of the forties, I do not remember, as I lost myself in those years.  My focus was on my children and my energy went to them, otherwise depression was overtaking me.

In trying to better myself, I had a short stint of counseling before he moved his practice out of state.  I felt I was gaining ground trying to find myself but only at a snail’s pace. The sudden death of my brother and dealing with his estate and the same family members that stirred up strife before but now more hateful, which got the best of me. I allowed their words and anything and everything negative rip me to shreds.

Finally when turning fifty, I was attempting to get myself out of the pit by taking care of me by having weight-loss surgery.  Looking back, I dealt with emotional eating and I still do at times but I recognize it now, but I had gained well over one-hundred pounds in twenty years of our marriage.

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We are now both feeling the effects of having an empty nest.  We are two strangers in the same house, both working full-time jobs and just going through the motions. I know I was dreading my home life and feeling stuck and feeling the craziness of it all. Too much! Everything went to the wayside, isolating myself from the world around me.

I knew I had to reach out for help. It takes courage to do that so if you find yourself in this loop of hopelessness and despair, please reach out. I found and was blessed with a wonderful Christian counselor five years ago to help me see light again and have hope, when all hope was gone.  Had it not been…ADFEB088-C85D-43CD-BFEC-2B40D3DC6411

I am about to hit my Big 60. I can truly say, I am happier today than I have been for such a long time; by understanding myself and working on my issues? I cannot control others and had to know deep within and to hold onto the fact that God said in His Word that He will fight my battles. Is everything perfect and did everything fall into place? No. I have had and still have some rough moments, but I know not to let it all get me down for long and to pull me down into a pit of despair and depression. I am moving forward. I am stronger today in my faith, as counseling has held me together and I know that the Lord has a plan and a purpose for me, even at this age.

I am expecting that the Lord will use me to glorify His Name and bring hope to others as I continue to grow older.  I want that.  Trust Him.

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