I’m Fine!

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If you have never dealt with depression, be thankful. If someone near you is battling with it, do not tell them to ‘snap out of it’ as it only makes it worse. Be patient, be a friend.  If you are, be kind to yourself.

I have dealt with bouts of depression in life. Many of you reading this may be or may have been or may know of someone in your life that is depressed.

I know what it is like to have each thought in the pic.
I have said, “I’m Fine” way too many times.62E5C4A9-D1C7-4AAD-A78B-C704D55FCB4C
I know what it is like to wear a smile when I just wanted to crumble.
I know what it is like to sit in church and nobody realizes the despair I am in.
I know what it is like to want to sleep forever and hope I never wake up.

Thankfully, I knew when it was time to get help.
Having a Counselor, a true Christian Counselor, to talk to has helped me, one that prayed with me at times and I believe for me.

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I know, too, “IT’S OK” to have a Counselor and to not feel I have a lack of faith or feel further condemnation.
I know to journal my thoughts and feelings and to work through them.  I recommend.
Most importantly, I know to read/study my Bible, trust God and to pray.  I totally recommend.

If this all hits home, please KNOW…. God knows your name, He knows where you are, He sees each tear that falls, and He knows the heartache within that you cannot explain. When I understood just that and grabbed hold of it, repeated as necessary, I felt encouraged.

He absolutely loves me (YOU). He cares. ❤️

Take one day at a time and when that is too much, take one hour at a time.

Did I feel like praying or praising the Lord through the depression? No!! Actually, I felt worse as the lies from the enemy were bombarding my mind of unworthiness, etc.

Encourage yourself in the Lord, even if it is just a word (Jesus) or a whisper (I need you Lord Jesus).

Work through this, don’t give up.
Find a Counselor or a trusted friend to confide in.
Trust the Lord. Draw close to Him.

When others let you down, and they will, there is only ONE that you can trust and depend upon.

May YOU be ENCOURAGED!!

But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the  of my head.  Psalm 3:3

https://www.openbible.info/topics/depression

Info on the photo: esyla designs/Pinterest
“the idea is that everyone has their own battles they face. they say that the biggest lie people say is when they respond “i’m fine” or “i’m tired”. i guess i just wanted to bring this to light or something, because i know so many people who hide things behind their smile.”

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Don’t Give Up!

Sometimes I find myself amazed, not in just things and people around me, but in myself. With you not knowing me and many really do not, I have come a long way.

ED9BB722-F0B6-40C9-A2F7-885A662507D6Depression can wipe anyone out and while I knew I was in depression, I did not realize just how bad. Hanging on by a thread for years due to life situations, a dead marriage, other areas and at times a bad hair day.

So many times through those years, my mind screaming, ‘please help me’ to those around me, mostly my church family although that meant opening up and being vulnerable. My screams remained within and I continued on with life draining from me slowly. The Bible story of those holding up Moses’ arms is what I needed. I had no strength on my own in any area, just enough to work and come home and repeat like a wash cycle.

Exodus 17 “Moses became weary, and so Aaron and Hur responded by holding up his arms until the Israelites were able to finally defeat the Amalekites.”

Realizing, I needed someone that I could trust and talk to, was when I did my research for months and prayerfully sought out a Christian Counselor. That was almost five years now. Had it not been, I do not know where I would be today.

4305C053-1C2E-477E-A0C6-3F21D27FBD68While I spent many years with her, and that being many, long and hard sessions, it was worth it all. At times, some sessions were like a breath of fresh air but many were down right in the trench digging through the muck of my life and situations where I did not want to continue and just give up and die. Apparently, I did not give up nor did I die. I believe without a doubt that the Lord led me to her and in those four years, we covered a lot of ground.

Now I am seeing others to take me to my next level. I want more in life so I will continue to pursue just that. Just this week, there was a change in me and I recognized it with open arms. I have changed. I am not the same person, as before. I could not help but smile and feel happy, like another breath of fresh air entered in me. Welcomed.

Struggling with depression is not easy. Sure I will have some down or blah days still, we all will, but nothing like before. This breath of fresh air did not come overnight. Many times, fighting like a cat in a paper bag, it felt like.3C674A4B-4030-49DA-A35A-5750739EF3EA

If you are dealing with depression, take one day at a time. Take care of you in all areas (emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually). Open up with a trusted friend or find yourself a counselor. Most importantly, take care of yourself spiritually, find a Bible believing church and worship the Lord.  He knows your name and He knows where you are.

You are worth fighting for, remember that!

Line in the Sand

A72E248C-B0F6-4503-9306-84BA5BF15076While each of us are unique and different, which is a good thing or life would be boring, so are counselors in their sessions. With that being said, that also would be boring and definitely useless, if not.

Just recently while seeing my counselors, I have been observing more, such as their counseling techniques, office system/files with notes about me and their surroundings.  Somewhat, okay comparing my last one of four years to present ones.  While a lot deals with the OCD in my life and my organizational skills, one drives me insane. Do I say something or let it continue to make me question them. I believe I need to speak up or there will be a wall of distrust and chaos within. We have that right to do so, as clients, as there must be trust.

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I have had and a total of five counselors in my life. Each one was good in their field and just what I needed at the time and still. As a client, I also have a right to end counseling, which I did with my first one back many, many years ago.

At that time, I enrolled in a New Life Live, a Christian workshop for women. This weekend workshop was to help women understand and gain strength and healing due to issues in their marriage due to porn usage with their husbands and the betrayal felt. Maybe a one last-ditch effort to save their marriage and self-esteem which was slowly dying within myself.

As nine of of us women from all over the United States gathered in this small office area, it became evident we were all in a battle. I was amazed how many traveled the distance in order to survive.  Desperate housewives.

09321795-BA50-40AE-940A-E4196E4476B7Afterward, I was probably the closest in mileage, only forty-five miles away, I decided to start counseling sessions with the leader/counselor. I did, on a monthly basis, if not twice a month. Unsure if I really gained information to grow but at least I could talk freely and feel safe to talk. I had always kept my marriage problems silent to the point I was suffering. Shame. This workshop and counseling was my effort to take care of me, unknowingly because I thought it was more my marriage, that I now know.

After about a year, my husband was invited to join and reluctantly, he did. The first session, within minutes, sitting on her couch together but not touching, she asked him if he felt he needed anti-depressants. BAM, right out of the shoot. No doubt, I was shaking my head yes but if not, my mind was screaming, YES. This counselor has his number, so I thought.

Months went on with couples counseling, individual, etc. It was one session when she, the counselor said to me with him in the room, that any woman would love to have him. In my mind, it came a screeching halt and shock on my face, as in a movie scene. What? I knew at that point, I had lost the battle. He has won her over with his calm demeanor, his porn usage and lies. My self-esteem, confidence and desire to even exist became less than before. It’s all my fault, I am the bad wife, I caused his porn usage and continued heaping the negative thoughts.

As we went yet again and again, it was this one night that I had had enough. While I did not say anything, my shock and boundary came into play, it had to.  While discussing issues at hand and making himself look good with her, now I see he won her over more so and now she feels all motherly with him.  He speaks, saying, ‘I don’t love her and I don’t think I ever did.’  I just turned toward him and said, WOW! FA895C6C-FB8A-40F4-91D3-DC25E21DACBE

It was a long, quiet drive home filled with anger in the air.  Rightfully so. With that though, I found my voice, not in a screaming manner but authoritative. I am done. I will not make your appointments, do your laundry, cook for you (another story in itself), and whatever else. My focus was on our children from that point forward. He just could not figure out why I was so angered over that and threw it up in my face that I took it out of context. 800BDEF7-0FA3-48BC-AE93-2587C1A502E9Seriously?!? Just stab me in the back, I’d heal quicker. Those words should never be said to a wife.  Ever!

8CEF791D-3B26-491A-BAC7-7465D3F0A30FThe counselor on the other hand wanted to meet with me more, which I declined. Soon after, he left going to her, too. No push from me so he won’t; plus, he won.

He won alright, no real marriage. He can continue on with his selfish ways with porn, believing he is all that because the counselor said what she did to enforce his behavior.  I’m the bad one in this whole scenario and Satan played his games mentally with me.88e6b2cf-66aa-4544-8dee-66d3712a8abe.jpeg

Those were dark days and sadly years for me but… had it not been, I would not be where I am today. I learned that I was caring for me, even if I felt numb to life and was physically putting one foot in front of the other. I was setting boundaries, as I deserved more even while I battled negative thoughts that it was all my fault. Plus, courage to keep my head up and move forward when I would had rather died and be done with life. Through the mental torment, I had to trust the Lord but even then, I felt He did not love me either.  Unlovable.

Don’t give up, keep your focus and trust the Lord to carry you through the craziness of life. He knows your name and He knows where you are.  I had to fight, not physically but spiritually, mentally and emotionally.  9F612C2F-1B60-4EDB-9F23-3D203477A1A0

While my faith in a counselor wavered for some years due to that situation, I did not give up.  I picked up my big girl panties and found another, just for me.  I am better today and stronger emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually than ever due to help from great counselors and trusting the Lord.  My faith increased, as He was all I had to cling to in the midst of the battle.

The Lord will meet you where you are.  Trust Him. 💕7AEF5CAE-4893-4666-8CA6-716FB3CE222B

Drowning in Tears

How many walking around us are hurting?  Choking back the tears hoping that they do not leak out of the corner of our eyes.   How many are hurting?  Are you?

95963B54-44B9-4F73-A094-39E9325160B8We all go through struggles, some worse than others and when it hits, it feels as though we won’t survive. We feel numb while only able to function by putting one foot in front of the other.  It takes much effort and energy that seems depleted.

It happens. It’s hard as hell but you keep going.  You must. Thankfully, your heart beats and lungs inhale and exhale and do their job all on their own.

When things are going well and manageable, it’s all great and feels like life is somewhat normal.  The feeling of, I’ve got this. It is when something within gets triggered, out of nowhere and unexpected and it is when you know you are losing control but trying your best to keep it together. This one day, just that, for me.

I was at my doctor’s appointment, and I knew I would be asked questions related to a specific matter, not medical.  I knew the questions were coming and was trying to maintain my composure but I felt the depression of it all hitting me from all sides.  When I try to fight off this emotional battle within, I tend to get stern and controlled. I’m not. When I am like this, I wish somebody knew me well enough and would just grab me and hold me so I can go ahead and get through it.20EA41E8-89AE-41A6-9BAF-E7B3EFEC4129

Earlier, before this appointment I was doing so well, I had a great morning and now my emotions were wreaking havoc. Ever have that happen? Emotions are real.

Trying to get a grip after I left my appointment, I did go grab a few groceries before my next appointment. I tried adjusting my mask to appear happy and to hide the desire to bust out crying like a baby. Please tell me I am not the only one that wears a happy mask at times. Really, I think we all do in certain circumstances. My former counselor and I discussed this mask wearing with me but odds are even she wears one.  What’s your thoughts?

As I stood still waiting in line to check out, I saw a lady in her electric wheelchair sitting by the window looking back at me.  I wondered if she could see the hurt in my eyes, the emotions about to burst like Niagara Falls. I had to wonder if she was quietly praying for me as I try to do when I see others unhappy, as such.  Lord knows, I needed her prayers right then. I gave her a slight smile as I left because it was her that kept my mind occupied while fighting back having an emotional breakdown right there in front of the cashier.

18A09F38-1F16-4EF9-8840-4B70322D7598A good cry, sometimes or even a scream within, asking the Lord to get through a period as such, definitely helps.  The tears fell when I got in my car and shut the door hiding behind my dark tinted windows. No longer could to contain the heartache.  Feeling numb as the pain was so great. I was fine and then I am a basket case.

Fighting thoughts that come when in this state and rejecting every negative one with the Word of God and positive comebacks, it is like a battle.  Because it is!  God is for us and Satan would like nothing more to keep us sad, depressed, sick, isolated and you name it. Kill, Steal and Destroy. That’s the game plan.

Knowing myself and the hour or so of this heartache, pain and battle, I would overcome but many do not.  If it lasts longer, depression sets in.  Been there.  Thankfully, I did not stay in this long but enough to scare me.  Once this battle was over, within the next hour, I remember thinking and smiling that my former counselor would be so proud of me, as I did not get stuck in this turmoil.  I did learn from her counseling.

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Whether people want to admit, depression exists and so do suicidal thoughts.  Don’t be in denial.  We do not know what the person next to us in line at the grocery store, passing on the street or even sitting next to in church of what they are going through. Offer a kind word, a smile if nothing else.  It may be the only thing they have to hold onto and give hope.  Many are holding back the tears and drowning inside. Many wear a mask, even those you think have it all together.

I know I was lost in my own garbage for that period that day and when it comes to our own, we become stuck feeling we are the only ones to ever go through these periods but not true. While feeling selfish of those thoughts and actions afterward, it’s normal. We all go through stuff.  We all have emotions.  Life happens.

So if you are going through some rough patches, know you are going through. You will not stay there although it may feel like it. Learn to take care of you during these times. Get some extra rest. Go outside and walk or just sit and enjoy nature.

Years ago, I would have blown you off, not believing any of these comments or wanting to do any of that but today, I do. I am taking care of me. Now, take care of you.

There is an old song we sing at church and it goes like this, ‘If you take one step, He will take two.’ He will. Faith believing everything will be and will work out. Tomorrow is another day.  Hang in there.

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So Done, So Stuck

B55D7BA5-C109-42D4-90E4-EBF70E1617E4Tonight, when going out for a walk, I was reminded just how blah my marriage is and has been. Returning from my walk, him sitting on our porch reading his sci-if book, the same. No nothing! No joy, no expression, no emotion, no comment. Nothing. Like a living dead man.  In his own little world. I realize I deal with Aspergers with him, which I learned about just over four years ago from my former counselor.  To know that, helps knowing I am not crazy but living this way, can make one crazy. It is a sad, lonely life. For better or for worse, the wedding vows echo and will be told, while trusted ones that know my situation say, leave.

If you are wondering why I stay. Financially, I stay, as most wives do. Before and still, it’s because of the kids. Stuck.

To daydream of having a man to talk to and share that will understand, have empathy, to touch my face and wipe tears as they fall, to laugh and act like kids sometimes, to grab me and kiss or hug me for no reason at all but because he enjoys being with me, loves me and tells me so. Fun, I want fun and I need laughter whether in daily living, at an amusement park or in bed. Is this being unrealistic? Marriage or any relationship has its good and bad days but… every day, every year?

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To daydream about walking out the door and never return has not come for awhile but tonight it did. Leave it all. Just get in my car and leave. He can have it all, the house, savings, full benefits, bills, etc. Realizing, I have spent too many years to help build what we have and I am entitled to fifty percent of everything, I won’t just leave.  The thought of preparing to split everything fifty-fifty, sell our house, etc., I will have to do it and arrange all the details, as he won’t.  Nothing!  My body just aches of the thought of the burden I have carried and will carry to make this dream come alive. I’m tired.  So, I sleep and another day comes of the same.  Easier to dream of leaving it.

To daydream of just being free. I can breathe.

I have held on this far and I will continue. I have to trust that the Lord is allowing me to heal in areas to get strong within myself and one day, make my dream come true of having nothing of a marriage to having a life free of being and feeling drained.  I am taking care of me in my own life spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally.  It has taken me years to be where I am.  Life of joy and purpose is returning to me.

Lord, hear my cry, see my tears, read the words in my writing, I know you know my name, where I have been with this and where I am. I’m tired. There has to be more.

A great book if you or someone you know is dealing with Aspergers.

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Change on a Dime

Funny how things can change on a dime, as they say.  This day was going so well.  The sun was shining, my list of things to do being crossed off and everything was lining up and running like clockwork.  I was happy and ready to have some fun with a few days off work.

In a few short hours, it was the day I dreaded.  Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave.  Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.

63B8434B-7309-49F6-913D-9DEEB59C1111I knew one day that this was a possibility but never hoping it would.  I had to pick up a prescription on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life.  Flip flop from sadness to anger and back again.

Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks.  No movie, no dinner, no interest anymore. Done.

So many questions, so many loose ends but…177F9360-1487-40FC-A06B-EC6F46CC93A8

A Degree or Not

4e423748-9da1-41e8-81e9-fd289ed9edf7Today, I feel I will lose yet another key person in my life.  Finding myself at a doctor’s appointment, which was for me, it was me giving advice and encouragement to the doctor.  Thankfully, he confided in me, knowing of my own counseling experience but also that I can be trusted and that I care and will pray.

It took a lot of guts to remove the mask and for him to express his own depression, etc.  Perhap he will step aside for a bit to benefit his own self-care, as my counselor is doing.

While I do not know for certain that is her issue, odds are it is, depression and burnout.

Day in and day out of hearing other people complain and definitely confide in them of things that we would probably not handle well, no matter how much education and training, it takes a toll.  It has to.

Years ago, I had a doctor for many years commit suicide.  While he was not the friendliest doctor, I trusted him.  His death knocked me off my rocker for a bit.  Questioning myself, perhaps if I would have been more thankful or made him laugh or even shared God with him, of which I regret, he’d still be my doctor.

Today, I did not fail to share God’s Love with my doctor.

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Again, we never know what the next person around us, at any given moment, is going through, whether it is depression, burnout, etc.  Just because they have a degree, they are not exempt of having issues and wearing a mask appearing all is well.

They, too, need the Love of God and to know that their patients/clients are praying for them.

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