I admit, I am angry over an situation but more confused, but I know anger is there. What I do know, is that it is not worth me blasting forth with words that will cause damage. I do have a heart and I do care. Once words are released, they cannot be taken back.
A gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh one stirs it up.
Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your spirit. Proverbs 15.1,4
Is it wrong to be angry or to feel anger? No! It’s normal.
Although the condemnation felt makes you feel bad. Again, normal. I have been taught it was wrong all my life to have such stern feelings to where I am a bad person, unworthy and so on to have such emotion. Anger is a normal, natural emotion in each of us
If I said I was not feeling anger, that would be a problem. I would be in denial.
As I even write, I could put words of anger that could hurt another but I do not want to do that. Where will that get me? Nowhere but regret doing so. My heart hurts but I know One that knows me better than anybody. I feel the emotions, acknowledge and pray that the Lord will help me through it all. He will.
My mind is overwhelmed somewhat in moments, as I toss a matter around in my head. So many thoughts but the ‘why’ questions remain slapping me with no understanding. Boggled with disappointment and uncertainties, trying to make sense of it all. Have you ever had that happen?
To write, to be creative, to put my words in front of me, become many but scattered. My creative side is lost in my despair. I have nothing but the chaos of my thoughts that are stored inside me. The ‘why’ covers an array of feelings and the sadness felt. Unsure what to think or to truly feel but trying desperately to recognize my emotions. Hurt would be an understatement of the invalidation received.
Knowing and learning from years of counseling, I know to not dwell on the negative thoughts that enter, that get trapped and fight to exit my brain. This would have knocked me down years before and I would have retreated to my bedroom and be covered with depression. While this has been difficult, I will not allow it to drag me down in a pit. I do not understand my ‘why’ questions but I do know, I will not quit. I have come too far and have worked too hard to get to this place in my life.
I am finding, too, it is not always about me. So many times before, I would have taken it all upon myself, feeling all the negative, believing the thoughts and trying to figure it out with the finger only pointing back at myself, as if it was my issue. Self-invalidation. I will not do that this time.
In this, I have nothing but yet I have so much to express but unsure how to do so. Time takes care of a lot of things that we may not understand. It is trusting the Lord through those moments of uncertainties and believing all things work to the good. Trust Him!