Strangers in the House

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As I walked to the kitchen, the song ‘Strangers in the Night’ came to mind. With me, I change words around in songs to set to my situation, and this was no different.

Many years ago, before we moved into our home, I designed it to be remodeled in the full basement in order for it to be an apartment if needed for our kids or if my 546DCE67-2347-4D37-93E2-9B36344F6A4Fmy in-laws had to move in on the main floor. Even though I love my in-laws, I still have my space to escape, as needed, if need be so I thought. Just thinking ahead when planning the layout. As the boys grew up, it worked wonderfully, as the boys and their friends had a kitchen, bathroom, beds or floor space to throw sleeping bags, as they played their video games. That’s all they need basically. At times, we had all their friends here and many stayed over off and on or a few for days, knowing they were always welcome. I would rather pay more in groceries to keep them all in a safe home than out roaming the streets or in homes that I knew little to nothing about. It was work but I miss those days being a short-order cook, with those fun, loud, stinky boys.7638EE81-D50B-47BB-8B6C-EFA52FD695E9

As the friends dwindled due to a driver’s license or moved on, so did my kiddos. College came and went, never for them to have our home address again. In a blink of an eye, the house was now quiet and cleaner, but I am alone. The sleep I longed for in their youth, I think I am all caught up and now wake at the break of dawn.

Little did I know or realize, this remodeling was really not for the kids or in-laws but for us as a couple, husband and wife. My sister and I call our house Apartment A and B. I’m in A and he is in B. It works but definitely not a normal, happy marriage.

What is normal?  What is a happy marriage suppose to be like? Over the years, I see other couples and they seem happy. Maybe they wore masks as we did for years attending church. Nobody ever knew or questioned the drift or the space on the pew between us. Often, I would look out over the crowd at a restaurant and notice couples, some are talking and some just sit in quiet and eat. We were part of that group in case they looked at us. I had made a comment in one of my counseling sessions about other couples being happy. Honestly, I saw that in most, just not mine. It was when my counselor snapped saying, “How do you know they are happy?” It was her tone that kind of made me back up and think I hit a nerve. So apparently things were not sweet and cuddly in her own home. Okay, never mind, let’s move on.

9F3E8DA1-DF77-4EA6-AB6F-C14B11E0E440Our interests, life itself, is non-existent between us. No love, no hate, just exist as I refer to it, as business partners, brother/sister relationship. Again, it works. There is no fighting. We do have that going for us. In earlier years, I wanted to fight by means of verbalizing, no hitting, but he would run away. Nothing solved, except me standing in my corner of the boxing ring, alone. After awhile, you give up, what’s the use.

Still, as I am humming my made-up song, hearing him downstairs, in his apartment, doing his own laundry of just how we are strangers in the house.

What life holds in store for either of us, only the Lord knows. I have no doubt that He gave me the remodeling plans in my mind and on paper many years ago of what we experience today. That’s God!

It is all in the way you look at things. While this is not the best, it is not the worst either. Not what I expected in a relationship or of a marriage but I am sure not for him either, perhaps.

80FFD5B4-11F9-4333-9D19-F053E5DDD2C2There is a lot of muddy water under the bridge but the bridge still stands as the storms of life tossed me for a loop many times and the thought of jumping over was considered at times. I don’t want to remain stuck in life expecting what will never be so I have and will walk forward and take care of me, which I have been doing. I cannot change the past or him and he has no desire to change.  I am only responsible for myself, my health and my happiness. I can truly say in that revelation, I am happier today.

Just as the Lord gave me remodeling plans years ago, I have to trust Him for remodeling plans for the future. For now, Strangers in the House is my theme song, which makes me smile, at times. Sometimes, cry.C0B26AA3-8A90-4209-98FF-2D17103F61A1

This is my story, we all have one and we all go through tough periods in life. No matter what decision is made, stay or go, run away or just give up in hopelessness, I do believe the Lord will get us to where we are each to be in life. We may hinder the process or change the route of God’s Will in our life, but it is no surprise to Him. Still, He knows where we are. That’s God!

Just this past week, dealing with some issues, I never thought this or said before, but he deserves happiness, too. We both do. Perhaps this is a step I needed to get to and feel hope of our future.

We have to trust the Lord, through the tears or in the smiles, sometimes with a mask. That’s faith!

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Did I Fail Them?

The motherly guilt was alive and well recently, as I fought through the fear that I have failed my son(s). The ‘if only’ statement rolls in my thoughts, full well knowing that those ‘if only’ wishes will not change a thing. It only keeps me in a fear mode as worry tags along.87FD1186-60FC-4E84-AC54-27D751AC3628

When writing a recent blog and researching the childhood emotional neglect (CEN) yet again, reading the symptoms, etc., which I have had, panic set in for the boys, especially my youngest.

I know it is proven to be passed along through generations, which would be me, and if so, then I have failed them, too. Had I known what I know now, a familiar phrase spoken by many, whether a parent or not, while I did many things right, I would change some areas.

If what I have gone through and the struggles, I wonder if my sons are going to also. Will it be different with a son than as a daughter? I do not know the answer.

My years of them under our roof has come and gone, now they are too busy. The days speed by so quick and time is limited when visiting or in my life as my days are getting to be less.

Reminiscing of their childhood, I had happy babies. Looking at them, smiling and covering them with love, hugs, kisses and prayers as we rocked and read books. This was something I did not have growing up and proud that I did that with them.  Often I wonder though, do they remember?6EE54AA4-E2CB-4339-8940-062D151FB7DD

Through the years, these sweet boys brought me so much joy and even all those dirty clothes. They knew I would be their number one cheerleader back then and know that even now. The teenage years were interesting. The independence and pulling away from mom was happening with my oldest, I remember, which had me frantic at times but soon learned this was normal with boys. When the youngest did the same, I caught on and realized a new 03E2C037-9E09-4BE1-92ED-553848F43F47phase in their life was happening. Okay, I’ve got this. Even in these years, I wonder if they remember and have good memories of their mom. I was there for them, I always will be but less so they could grow into adulthood, loosening the apron strings

Or do they remember me depressed from the dying marriage happening right in front of them with their dad while I am trying to appear strong and happy keeping our family intact? Even though I lost some precious time, I 9854A649-70A7-4ABC-BE1D-A3A0CA65BE88pushed my way through for them. Do they remember? Or do they remember and did they feel the underlying anger I had toward their dad? The dark days of depression added and being buried with much grief of not just my parent’s deaths, but the death of my marriage, a marriage I always desired but will never have, and most importantly time with my boys and us all as a family unit. Grief in all ways was surrounding me. Those were rough days… years. I hope they don’t remember. I would like to forget it myself.

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The ‘if only’ or ‘if I could do over’ days are over, there is no going back. While these statements brought worry and fear along with tears and all the negative thoughts that I failed them and not to forget that I was a bad mother, which are lies and from the enemy.

As a mother, I did the best I knew to do and still. I have to trust the Lord as I did back then, even though I wondered where He was at times and if He even remembered me. I must trust Him. My boys are grown adult 9E1E5E8B-6F88-480F-9BF4-4EFC6FCC7982men now and doing well. Will they need counseling one day to help in areas from childhood? I do not know but if they do, I will support them to do so. I want only the best for them. Perhaps with my own work in these areas, this will stop the pattern in generations to come.

I just hope they remember their mom’s love, hugs, kisses, support and prayers, especially when it is time for a nice, clean smelling nursing home. 🥰

I Love my Boys (Men). ❤️❤️

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So perhaps you have had the parental guilt yourself. The enemy wants nothing more to keep us believing the lies that we have failed our child(ren). All you can do is your best and trust the Lord

Parental Guilt: Forgiving Yourself For Parenting Mistakes

https://drjonicewebb.com/E92393B8-C3D7-4822-9013-4E9EC5F53B07

Word from Lysa Terkeust:  “Satan wants us to be afraid.

I’m not talking about the healthy kind of fear that keeps us safe. No, I’m referring to that horrible kind of fear that whispers worst-case scenarios.

While we’re distracted with fear, the enemy pickpockets our purpose, cripples our courage, dismantles our dreams and blinds us to the beauty of the Lord’s great plans.

Are you struggling with fear in any area of your life right now? Maybe there’s a relationship causing anxiety. Or a problem you’re facing where there seems to be no solution.

Stop right now and speak the name of Jesus. Proclaiming His name brings power, protection and perspective that crushes fear. It is the name above every other.”

https://www.lysaterkeurst.com/