Mom, Don’t Go There!

Those little boys of mine always fun and also a lot of work, but I would not have changed those moments together, unless to add more.

Where did the time go? Just yesterday….. as we have all said at some point. The kiddos were little and we were worn out. It seemed like high school took forever, but I remember that being my case also, when in school. The college years flew and they never returned home. An empty nest was an adjustment as the house was quiet and mom’s kitchen was clean. Oh, I miss those days at times with a house full of neighborhood kids hanging out, even the talking, laughter, odors and messes.

My boys grew up to be wonderful, adults and makes this mom so proud. The time in between visits is less than I prefer but I remember being young once. Life gets busy, we all work and they have their life to live. Still, it’s nice hanging out with our adult children.

The roles have reversed somewhat. This past weekend, I hung out with my boys as my youngest was moving. A move always will bring about a contact, “Hey mom, want to come down and help decorate my new place?” I knew that meant more than to decorate but off I went to help and spend time with them.

This day of moving was on his twenty-seventh birthday so that made it even better, for me. I’m sure he’d rather be hanging out with friends and drinking a beer but he was stuck with his mom and brother hauling boxes out of one place to another. It was all good, us three together, but exhausting.

The next day, him and I finished the last few hauls to the new place. Exhaustion was an understatement but we pushed through. It was when he was to go for a final walk through with the previous landlord but he sent his roommate and did not join, but his name was on the lease. I did not care for that. I made a comment about his name on the lease but knew to shut up.

This child of mine is twenty-seven, he is an adult. Whatever the reason to not go and finalize the closure is between him and the landlord. Not mom. Actually, it took pressure off me, as I have no control. He has and will make decisions I may or may not agree with but he knows he has to face consequences if a wrong decision or circumstance. I have seen him work through situations, not asking for help or a handout, which makes me proud. Sometimes, if he would just listen to his mom, it would be easier. Right?

On my hour drive home, I was thinking about the move, our conversations and knowing he is at a fork in the road with his business due to the pandemic. He is a true entrepreneur and will figure it out, he always does.

Driving and thinking back also on my young, single days, as he is, I made some stupid decisions and have regrets. We all have. It’s part of growing up and being mature and independent. The words, I wish I did, I wish I didn’t, if only I could go back, I regret, etc., those moments are done and over. Hopefully, through each circumstance, we all have learned a lesson. Some do and some don’t.

The independence of this adult son, both sons, continue to grow and mom is not needed as much. While I am proud of them, I find it sad. I see the tide turning, as I add their names to my emergency contacts. I seem to ask for their advice more and for help, if needed. I’m not a nursing home candidate yet but my stage in life is gaining ground.

As there is distance between us, it takes time to organize to visit, and the days pass so quickly. I often wonder if one day they will regret not calling or texting mom more or visiting, etc. I would say that is a rite of passage for all parents and children, which is sad. I want them to remember their mom as being their biggest cheerleader in life, that they never had to wonder if they were loved, I was always available 24/7, even for those 3:00 a.m. calls, as my youngest knew I would be there for him and to pray. Remembering our laughter of silly times together or knowing I would always help clean, catch up on their laundry, decorate and hang curtains that I hope to finish this weekend. I’m there for them, if they want or need me.

It’s probably a good thing we live an hour away. Mom has her place but not in their business. They are doing fine on their own. I am one proud mom.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Christmas as a child was such a fun, exciting time. No worries seemed to overwhelm me although I had many at times, too. It just seemed that the excitement of the twinkling lights, Christmas music, cold temperatures, snow and the expectation that Santa would visit our home with gifts, which would be such a surprise.

As I think back over my young life and the excitement I had then, I cannot help but smile. It was the time of the year that was all about me, because I was the youngest and I still believed in Santa. My mind would wander as my dad would drive a car load of kids and adults down to the bakery that was many miles away and he would always take the longest route so we could see all the Christmas lights, so he said. Of course, as I grew up I learned it was to give my mom and those left behind time to set up the presents to make the excitement so much more for me and of my nieces and nephews, as our ages were quite close. I remember asking questions, how did Santa do that? All the questions that young kids ask that seem none ending. The stories that he came early as he had other homes to visit, I fell for all of their lies. Still, I laugh and smile because I was all into it. There was a joy within me.

The thought of the bakery was one of my favorite places to go, not just because the donuts were so good and they were, but to go in the back door and watch them make the donuts, after hours. To just get lost in the aroma and the thought of how it all worked behind the scenes before they popped the donuts in the showcase counter. I just found it fascinating to watch and still to this day, I like to see how things are done, no matter whether it be donuts to a big machine.

I still have memories of my sister telling me about this one man at the bakery and had me focus in on his hand. He was missing a finger or two. Yes they were missing and being the older sister, she was always one to cause me question those around me. It all makes sense now from the counseling sessions why I distrust people. Of course, it was all fun and games to her but in my mind, I took things way too serious and the donut man with a few missing fingers, were they cut off from all the machines they used. Of course, me thinking if…. they were in a donut. Oh, I could tell you stories she fed me growing up. Sisters!

Photo by Nicole Michalou on

This year as we all try to find the excitement of the Christmas season, it seems to take much more effort than before. It has been for me anyway but, of course, my age has something to do with it all, too. I still have yet to finish my Christmas tree, wrap gifts, etc., and tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I know it will all fall together, as it always does.

I think back and try to grasp the joy I had as a child and in some parts I do. My inner child is so desiring for some joy of the Christmas lights, snow and excitement that I have lost. Even though, my Christmas Eve or mornings as a child were fun while I believed. I have nice memories through the years of Christmas and especially with my boys. I always try to make it as exciting or more so for them and still to this day. I will do something fun and unexpected each year to cause laughter in our home. One year, I remember that I had a big box and multiple wrapped boxes inside with the gift in the smallest box. I can still remember my son opening up each box and looking at me. He loved it. This year is no different, but will be something different. One year, I tied socks individually with Christmas ribbon and stuffed them in an empty cardboard paper roll and wraped it so they would pull and pull and pull socks out. Those are some of my fun times. They know to expect something, knowing their mom will always have something up her sleeve. Yes, I do! This year is no exception.

What are your memories as a child that brings a smile to your face? What was your favorite Christmas? Did you have a gift or a toy that you loved? We all need to be reminded and know the joy within and of others, especially when things around us are not so joyous. This has been a rough year. We need to keep the joy alive and our hope that we are worth having fun and enjoying life, even in just the little things. No matter what age.

Free printable version of Luke 2 for your kids to memorize and color.
Twas the night before Christmas Printable  16 x 20 image 0
Christmas Songs for Kids - Preschool Inspirations

Broken Heart

Awake, early on Thanksgiving morning was not my plan. The older I get, the earlier I wake up. Perhaps it is to make the most of what days I have left and make every minute count.

This week, my planning and cleaning will all come together like a beautiful performance, is my hope anyway. I feel the anxiety building knowing in the next six hours, I must orchestrate the meal to take center stage as butterflies within are felt. Breathing in and out, calming myself, encouraging thoughts that it will all will work out. If not, we will order pizza and consider it a year, as it has been a year.

As I tried to go back to sleep, I felt my heart hurt like it does at times. I don’t like this feeling, of course, I think of a heart attack, which causes fear. I knew what was happening and now as I sit here writing while drinking my morning coffee, it is the anxiety that I feel. My stress level is increasing of which I need to be more aware of due to recent medical tests and results. Getting old is not what it is all cracked up to be, as they say.

In that moment with the aches, I was reminded of when I was in the hospital many, many years ago and they did not know what was wrong with me. Tests were done, etc., but my heart hurt. Back then they kept you for days instead of these outpatient tests or a twenty-four hour observation time in admittance.

I remember well this nurse questioning me, using her stethoscope, and just taking her time with me to figure me out. Please do. I remember this moment as if it just happened and perhaps for me to know that this pain is anxiety. After all these years, correlating the pain with what is happening in my life, I know to find a place to chill out and be calm. I will be okay.

At that time, my marriage was pretty rocky. I kept all the hidden secrets of a marriage in trouble all to myself then. I had nobody to really understand what was happening or trust. I really did not understand. As the nurse listened one more time to my heart, I said to her, “I think my heart is just broken.” Even then my comment went on deaf ears.

This morning, with the pain, my heart is broken yet again, but in a different manner.

So looking forward to seeing my youngest son today, he informs me late last night that a friend he was with on Sunday, tested positive with this virus on Tuesday.

Of course, he feels fine but was exposed. Asking if I thought it would be okay still if ‘we’ come, a friend to tag along with him. We, that means two exposed to come home. What is it with this younger generation? Now that I am old, I can ask this. Well, I was the same at that age when I took out my retirement because I’d never get old. Hello. So I understand him but I had to tell him, they could not come.
Oh my goodness, do you know how hard it was to tell your own child that they were not welcome for Thanksgiving? The tears would not stop as we texted back and forth over the hour. If you read my previous blog, Come Home, I mention that it has been four months since I have seen my son. I was so excited he would be here but now he won’t.

In that sadness, I was depleted of joy. My sleep was restless although it was nice to shut my eyes for a few hours.
To wake up with a broken heart, knowing the show must go on.
I look forward to being with my oldest son, his wife and her parents but there is a void. My youngest is not married and I know he deals with depression. He is alone. Crazy enough, I have to wonder also if he planned this, maybe his friend does not have the virus but made up to avoid coming. No matter, my heart hurts and feels broken yet again.

Anxiety is real. After so much, year after year, stress and anxiety can cause physical ailments, as I am now dealing with, yet again. This all adds up in the body and medical issues result.

So today we will gather for a short period and go back to our isolated world.

Thanksgiving 2020. The year 2020 we all want to forget but never will. Many hearts are broken today, not just mine, and in so many ways.

Thankfulness of what we do have and of those we love and care for continues. Count your blessings.

Perhaps you, too, are experiencing anxiety today or over this virus or whatever. Through it all, trust the Lord, for He cares. He knows your name and He knows where you are.