I Don’t Like It

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My mind is stuck, my thoughts are not going anywhere, I cannot concentrate enough to write. Even though my mind is stuck, I feel it is everywhere.

There is no surprise here, as everywhere we look, everything we read or hear is about the crisis and rightfully so due to the severity. I don’t have to like it though. No doubt, you feel the same.

Enough already!037F4683-34B9-4667-BE6F-4CA7636AD996

There is a freezing within me of panic although I feel calm, as I know that I must keep it together, otherwise it is insanity.

Alone, my tears will flow as in that old, ugly cry at least once or twice a day. My cries to the Lord to take this away, to protect my children, family, friends, the world. Knowing we are all in this together.

Enough already!90D05FCC-B819-4A90-9ABD-DE1E637F55C8

The day begins, the same routine of cleaning the house, when I really want to go out. Of course, I can go out but in limited space. I want to visit my boys, have dinner to talk and laugh but it’s hard to do by going through a drive-thru.

Once the tears, cries and prayers are out, it is time to get up to start my day, any which way. I hope I am productive and it is a good day, as I will do the same tomorrow and the next day.

The peace of God that comes after a bout of emotions, is definitely worth the time in devotion. He calms my fears, E9457875-0856-4FA7-AB3B-68F33E326314the panic is lessened as my mind is gearing up for the day. I have to put my trust in the Lord, for He is all I have and He is The Way.

Enough already!

Okay, Let’s do this!

 

 

In the Lord our God! Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. … Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe. Nehemiah 8:10 Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-for-faith-in-hard-times/

 

 

So Far Away

65490DC3-452C-45F7-AD65-26E398698941There is nothing more upsetting than a phone call at 3:17 a.m. answering and hearing your son crying uncontrollably.  Asking what is wrong?  Are you okay? Where are you? Trying to remain calm in order to calm him and his mind but inside I am a total, emotional mess. The sobbing is lessening but he is still crying and expressing what he is going through. Working out of town and being almost three hours away.

Do I jump in my car and go to him or do I talk him through the night until he regains control, which I did for two hours. Finally, he sounds like my son again and getting a grip from being overwhelmed with life upon his shoulders, tiredness and hungry.

I prayed for him as he cried, we discussed how this is when he needs to call out upon the Lord. Reminding him of God’s love.4F868FBC-6E7F-4427-82F3-42DEF5B8006C

We talked about everything imaginable in order to redirect his thoughts and emotions in order to drive home safely. His awareness of the Lord was definitely there and has been.

He was telling me that earlier in the day, driving to the event he was working, there was a wreck in front of him. A semi and a car ahead of him, the car rolled over. This scene has played in his mind since, seeing the girl in the car. He did not stop to help. The regrets were tugging at his heart since but also knowing he was just feet from being involved, too, as his car skidded but then straightened and moved out of the way. The fear that was felt seeing a semi headed in your direction but then control of the car happened. Son, please recognize that was the Hand of God, and he knew it. He regrets that he did not help the girl and pray with her. This whole accident right before his eyes will haunt him for a bit if not longer, as it replays in his mind. It was traumatic as it would anyone.

123CDAA3-91F5-4F89-AC41-00F76C3413F2Now thinking back of it all and how he was afraid to drive home. Not only fear but shock. While working, he had to focus on his job and was with others, but afterward and alone, it was all when it all hit by feeling it was all unreal but knowing it was real.

Hearing what he was telling me, it definitely could have been worse. I had to deal with my own panic and fear knowing how close he was to this accident. I’ll take my son crying uncontrollably three hours away, as I thank God for keeping him safe.

He was open to hear me pray, thanked me for being his mother, a shining light to him and everything a mom wants to hear but not in this manner and or distance between us. I want my boy! My arms cannot reach him but God’s arms are around him. I, too, must trust Him at this time.

Just this past week, in a job he was filming, I thought to myself, that this is not an ordinary job but was orchestrated by the Lord.  There has always been a calling  of God on his life, he knows it.D0074098-EB99-4F90-8242-C5139FC4C38E

As he sits in the empty parking lot, looking at the stars of which we also discussed, I told him this is a great time to surrender his life to the Lord, He’s calling.

I had my bags packed to travel the three hours, if need be. Myself praying for direction, what am I to do Lord? Do I go, do I stay?  I’m here, waiting for his check-ins every thirty miles, as he is together enough to drive. There is no rest until I know he pulls his car in his driveway and calls to say, Mom, I’m home.

As you read my blog, this one especially, as I have shared others blogs about my son, would you please say a prayer for him? Thank You! ✝️

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Buried Titles

B19F4115-FC0D-480E-ADF8-03CC2383600CThankfully, most of us come a place in life when we see all of the pieces of the past fall together and we can look over our life and see how the Lord orchestrated the good, the bad, of which we caused, and brings us to a point of where you or I are right now.56089E8D-E8F1-40A6-9286-873CAAEA5251

Actually, now seeing the Hand of God, back through the years in my own life, it is exciting. My counselor has said numerous times that she sees a weaving of a tapestry in my life. At times I felt as though those threads were unraveling to the point of almost choking me.

The other night, as I went through some old notes, just because and as I needed proof and to be reminded that what I went through was real. At times as I have discussed issues of my life in our sessions, thinking this can’t be real, but it is, it was. I hear my voice sharing at times of the memories and reliving the moment as in watching a tv show and it all seems unreal. I question myself as if I am lying of the emotional pain and situations I experienced. My notes, my journals, 5D2F9F31-1741-40B5-A66C-B66DB331624Amy screams on the paper, majority having dates of which provide proof and gives a timeline.

I truly have been blessed with awesome counselors, woven in to help me spin and weave this tapestry. Allowing me to understand myself and bring healing to the loose threads of my life.

Many times, consistently I found that I wrote in my notes, ‘Lord, move or move me’ and another was, ‘Don’t let my pain be wasted.’ So many sentences began with ‘Oh Lord, I need you and your direction, please give me strength.’ I believe He did and He is still doing so. 3C9BD2B8-53A5-40B9-B362-80898BDFCEA7

It is just amazing how you can get through some of the lowest points in life and then look back years later not knowing how you made it, but you did. Had it not been for my faith, and at times that was wavering and wondering if He left me to just die in this pit of despair. He was all I had, even when I doubted His Love for me, He still loved me. 273EED1E-7378-4082-A27C-79E9FC201AAC

In my stash of notes, which I have kept for many reasons, but I think I knew, too, that I would need to refer back to them and I have in my counseling sessions. I also knew I have had a desire to write a book for years. Interestingly enough, don’t we all say at one point or another that we could write a book?  I had forgotten that I started back in 2000, maybe even before, of listing titles, for such a dream. In those titles, I knew each one would jog my memory and allow me to go back to my notes and like a DVR, to elaborate as words would appear before me and most likely cause many tears and anger. We all have a testimony to share in hopes to give hope and encourage others.

With my blogs and other writings, these allow me to express my creativity and even my vulnerability of sharing parts of my life with the public. Thank you for reading. In each one, a stepping stone to build my confidence and being patient as I move forward watching it all unfold. I know the Lord is doing something in my life and perhaps my writing is to encourage others and give hope or maybe it is all just for healing within me. 

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Who knows but the Lord of what will come about from the buried titles I uncovered but it was like a treasure to find. Just another part of the weaving.

Look around, look at where you are today, think of those that have crossed your path through the years, ALL of it to bring you to where you are today. Sometimes we go through things that are not so pleasant and we feel alone. Even though, He is right there with you. Trust Him.

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Ephesians 2:10, “For we are his handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for the good works that God has prepared in advance, that we should live in them.”

https://brokendoorministries.com/4th-day-letters/the-tapestry-of-life/

 

 

Don’t Move!

Many years ago, we lived on a street not far from my parents and I loved our cute house, our home for eleven years. The memories of my boys being raised there will always be fond ones.59AF2340-E891-4552-B30C-43D3E15500E0

We had a sweet, older woman across the street that was the best neighbor and friend ever. I remember telling her before I had my second child my fear of not having enough love for another child. My first child was the best thing ever for me. I finally knew with him what love was and felt like by having him. He was mine and I am his, I am his mother, the bond of love was there. My sweet neighbor just said, ‘you will have enough love for this child, too.’ Sure enough, she was right. Now the two of them were mine and I am theirs, their mother and each one loved so much.15207284-63B5-464E-83F2-071B9CDE8F4AYears later, we decided to move. Even though there was excitement, there was also a loss of leaving my neighbor. I knew she hated losing us as I/we hated losing her, the closeness we had as being neighbors. Our move was not far at all, just up the street so basically we were still neighbors but not one of close proximity as before. I told her we would still be close although I realized she knew then what I feel now, we won’t. The relationship and closeness will never be the same. 

Now, my friend that is my walking buddy and I have EC5217E6-A035-4A0D-9750-FE09D15FE958been friends for years, and lives close. Actually, she lives in our old house, which tends to bring joy when I visit, as I can go down memory lane of when we lived there.

EEA427C5-F52F-4E05-9C1A-61D0C45EDF23Just this past week, she informed me that they are moving. While excited for them as we walked and talked about their upcoming plans, days later I found myself sad over this matter. I was now dealing with grief. I am losing yet another person in my life. Of course, they are not moving far away but enough that our walking routine and friendship will never be the same. Knowing just as with my sweet, older neighbor and our move back then, it will not be the same. So I am saddened by this move of my friend.EE4AB162-5F9A-4701-BDCA-9A723A9EC374

Even though, as with other losses in my life, life does go on. There is hope in that saying but yet there is still a sense of sadness, we grieve for what once was and miss them.

In all honesty, I found myself upset and asking, ‘Lord, why FB2FEDA6-40B7-4650-AF62-BE161EDAF270are you taking another person from my life?’ I had a little pity party but I know it is Him that I go to, lean on and love. He will NEVER leave me.

I have realized certain people come into our lives at the time we need them and no doubt they need us, having faith that the Lord allowed our paths to cross. He is good like that.C2FA78BD-45FD-4695-A72E-921BC7F0CD8A

In my years with those that did cross my path and a relationship was built, it may be years later when we see each other again. Still there is a friendly-relationship bond that is still present and we pick up where we left off but not on an everyday occasion, it could be years until we meet again. Those relationships, I do enjoy because I feel the Lord allowed them at the right time, right place.  Blessings!779A0739-FECF-4505-8C7F-8EEB9898D27C

Now my dear friend, walking buddy is moving soon. As we get closer to springtime, my daily walks will not be the same without her. Although, we will both walk forward, both of us knowing the Lord is doing a work in each of our lives and there is excitement in the air. As the seasons change, so do relationships and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

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“Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.” —Emery Allen

3 Ways to Tell if They Are In Your Life For a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

Norma Jean

17F6EAA8-D249-4619-AE6C-269AC42D6CA3Last week was the last straw. My emotions had been on overload due to my training and basically stuffing the emotional turmoil within while on the job. No doubt we have all had to do this at times, otherwise we might get fired. It is hard to maintain a smile when tears are on the verge of breaking lose but you do what you have to do and I had to just that.

Discussing my training and what I endured with the co-workers, their moods, attitudes, etc., with my oldest sister on Messenger one evening, I felt rejected to the core.3F26103C-9C54-4B51-A860-4378850BF8DA

Not only did I feel rejection while training, my own sister did the same with me, I felt. I love her and we are closer than I am with my other siblings. I believe I will need to discuss with her of how this affected me. My sister is very involved at her church and there is an older woman that contacts her daily, if not more, which is fine. I am glad my sister is there for this woman and vice-versa. What is not fine is that over and over again when we are talking or messaging one another, if Norma Jean calls, she 2982E916-AEB2-4CB9-AE79-729854D8820Dimmediately says she needs to go, leaving me hanging.  I hate that. If I am in a middle of a message to her and this happens, I just go ahead and delete my message of whatever was on my mind, thinking what’s the use.  Typical of me as I have experienced this many times in life. What is the use, is usually my thought so I backoff, as this person or another just proved to me that I am not important to them.

41736280-3776-4A78-8F90-C7CC863CE47EWhile her rush to end our conversation has bothered me more than once but last week, more so. It triggered the rejection within me and I just cried, as again my emotions were raw.  I needed my sister. All I wrote was “goodbye.” No emojis or anything like normal. I needed her to hear me or read my woes and encourage me, which was non-existent. Norma Jean was more important, I felt. While I do know that is not one-hundred percent true, it sure felt like it.

Until afterward, I knew this has always bothered me but to add and feel the rejection, it made sense. It brought up rejection of her lack of interest in me, my training which was terrible with those employed and back to my childhood. To acknowledge and realize what was happening, it can bring a healing by being aware of it so it does not trigger the alarms within to make matters worse. This has been discussed numerous times in counseling and in my session the other night, it became more evident as tears poured from my eyes, the ugly cry, and realizing of past rejection, as I could not handle anymore.

While I do not want to cause an issue with my sister, I do plan to request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then message me due to the feeling of being rejected. Knowing ahead of time that she may not understand fully or may think I am being too sensitive or whatever, I have my boundaries and that is taking care of me.

F43B9C6F-EC66-48C5-BA63-97C03BF606A4Rejection after awhile builds a wall within relationships. It would be easy for me to just pull away from my sister and not say anything. This would prevent that I do not get hurt again but that’s not good.  If I did just that, as I have done in my past avoiding conflict, that is not fair to her, not knowing why.  I know I can politely express and request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then we can have our time of conversing and remain close since we live hours 21183E9E-DF51-474D-846C-431ABE842705away from one another, which is what I know we both would want. Plus, it is not fair for me to remain getting frustrated with her and Norma Jean. Neither of us are getting younger.

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Afraid of Me

Last night, as I sat down in our first class, which will be held one night a week for eight weeks, I was feeling apprehensive. I was feeling out of place, not for the purpose of the class but me wanting to withdraw.  I like to keep my commitments but honestly I did not want to be there, at all.  This was not a required class, but a FB548ADA-6740-4EA9-A983-2BDE3A357396volunteered one to sign up and go to and for all things, weight loss.  No doubt, every lady in this classroom was feeling the same.  Thinking and feeling, just another attempt of a losing battle, my weight.

Since I was not one-hundred percent of my desire to continue past this first night, I did not buy the booklet, which was recommended.  Knowing how I am, I buy such things and that is it, they do not get used and finally thrown out.  I was being persistent in my thoughts of I am not buying this book. Just that rebellious attitude, and not flipping through the booklet like others, I was an odd (wo)man out.

The lady who was leading this group is a very good speaker and she herself has lost the weight and kept it off, keeping the focus on the Lord and depending upon Him. This all makes sense and sounds easy enough but… when we fail and have those sweet treats and the calories build due to whatever we are dealing with or just boredom, then Satan beats us up with shame, failure and our loser mentality.  Plus the fact, we failed God yet again, we did not keep Him first in our eating habits.  Hopelessness comes.  I hate when all that happens.5B172DDB-654E-4AAD-8B7D-C801700FD604

It was when she spoke about the next part, of how the Lord is with us and wants us to be with Him.  To trust Him to pull back the layers of our emotions, which is why we normally eat.  The emotional eating is big with me, as with many.  Let me eat those cookies to ease the sadness.   Maybe the cake and ice cream because I am upset and angry over a situation. Well, you know also that we need to celebrate our co-worker’s third marriage or whatever celebration it is for the day.  No doubt, you know how it goes, especially if you also struggle with weight issues.  The sadness, frustration, anger, etc., can overtake us to where we think it will all be better to eat.  The Lord wants us to come to Him with our emotions, anything and everything, as He is always present.  Acknowledge Him.

Since I have been in counseling the past five years and have dug my heels in and have come a long way, I know the emotional turmoil myself.  Perhaps this is my next level to concentrate further.  Not that I have not included the Lord, because I have, I have had to.

9AF9ED2D-454F-495E-A869-EAE1C914DA5CWhile that spoke to me on a deeper level, of peeling back the layers, it was when she  said that Satan was afraid of you (me).  That hit me big time.  He has big plans for someone in this room and Satan does not want you to feel confident and grow in the Lord.  I took that all personal and that is a good thing.  I do have an excitement within and joy of what the Lord is doing in and with me but times come that this is crazy thinking.  I think not.  Like I mentioned, I have worked hard and pushed through a lot and some hell and I believe there is a new me about to happen and while Satan is afraid of me, I think I am afraid of me, too, in a good way. C07B393A-D629-4517-A2DC-0E726610DD35

I, of course, bought the book. What God has started, He will finish.  I know there is a plan and a purpose for me.

What emotions are in your life that need the layers pulled back?  Are you struggling with your weight, an addiction, etc.  We tend to stuff our emotions down and not acknowledge, keep busy to ignore but what He wants is for you, me, all of us to come to Him and allow Him to be in the midst so we can heal from the pain.

Always know, He also has a plan and a purpose for you.  Trust Him.

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Deep Roots

The roots of abandonment can go far and be buried in the depths of your soul, well mine anyway.  While I know I am not alone, as I have read too much of others confessing the same.  It just makes you feel alone, that nobody cares and the sadness can swallow one up in a gulp.

Today was no exception.  I opened up an area that I just tend to scrape the surface but that scab fell off and I was in pain from the triggered effect.  Oh my God, how much more do I need to deal with this pain in my life?  Will it ever go away?  Have I been pushing down all the emotions still, all along?  Honestly, I know that answer.  I do.  It has been a lifelong trait that I fall into easier.

2DE93CB1-8FB6-4F42-86F4-AB6AB485AC70The movie, Something’s Gotta Give, with Diane Keaton (Erica) and  Jack Nicholson, a cute romantic movie where she is a writer and finds herself emotional while writing her best book and movie ever, came to mind.   It was Erica’s wailing and screaming while tossing typing paper from the typewriter and the used tissues from the tissue box to sometimes hit the garbage can as creativity was overtaking her.  I tend to relate to this scene each time I see the movie.

So many times, I would love to retreat and do the same, to allow my creativity to flow.  My life experiences in snippets only show up here through my own emotional battles.

Recognizing my emotions and naming the loss and sadness that I was feeling was the easy part.  Years ago, I did not know to do that so I have advanced in this turmoil, thanks to my counselor.  It is how to move forward and heal from it, I find hard.  So like Erica, I can wail, scream through my distress while FBF67FD9-262C-42D1-A50A-427B3497558Cwiping the tears as they flow.  That’s while although being alone in my office, I can let go somewhat.    Thank goodness, I have dark, tinted windows as I was an emotional mess while driving home safely.

Praying, Lord I need you to love me through this loss, this pain.ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Knowing, too, I was tired from a long weekend and then a long day at work.  I needed a nap, which I took.  It is self-care to do such and we all need that, too.  It is not always laziness but to recharge what is depleted and my emotional tank was running on empty.

A2DCEFD4-F915-4E93-9CD3-96904D7E38CFGive yourself grace through these times, if you experience.  We can all be triggered in areas that have been a touchy area in our lives.  It is recognizing and feeling the pain to get through for further healing.  Don’t push it down and ignore because of the pain.  Preaching to myself, right here.  Even though this afternoon was rough, I am moving forward.  The struggle did not last as long even though it felt like it.  With that, I remembered my former counselor saying that to me, that it did not last as long.  My thoughts were, if you say so lady, although I knew she was right.  It’s not easy to go through the pain but worth it.  We’ve got this!  One day at a time.

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