Don’t Quit

E679E712-8355-41A0-8890-1AB87F22F88DOn my way home today from church, I heard the man on the Christian radio station mention and encourage those listening to not quit.

Whether it be your job, etc.   Life can be demanding and we may not like where we are in a position whether that be working, a marriage that is dying, health issue or whatever it may be. Discouragement and hopelessness takes over to the point you’d rather die.  Sadly, some do to suicide.

As I pondered what he said and knowing right now my son is in a place that is hard, wishing he could hear this brief message of encouragement himself.  I can see it, hear it and pretty well know he is struggling, as I am his mother.  My heart hurts for him. I know, too, that he has to work through this or I will enable him and that will not help at all.  I can pray. I have to trust the Lord through this process.  He has been through some rough periods before and while it was hard to endure, for him and for me, he did it.  I was so proud of him and he was proud of himself.  As we will be together this week, I hope to remind him of just that.  He can and will get through this, too.

In hopes of encouraging him, I remembered back to my own life and how I felt lost and hopeless.  It’s so hard. Actually many times, as I have had to deal with some issues that only the Lord knew about because I did not share with others.

5BA31D32-8549-4B04-8CA8-6AB0ACA545C6It was about twenty years ago, I did not care if I woke up when having gallbladder surgery.  I had a note prepared for my children and a cassette tape (so that was a long time ago) of my voice talking to them, just in case I did not come through surgery.  I remember the drive to the hospital and the hopelessness and sadness of my life felt.  My gallbladder was to be removed but my heart was so broken, I did not think I would make it.  I found myself so disappointed that I was still alive, and I can still remember that moment in recovery.  Talk about hopeless.  Nobody to share with, so alone and I was beginning to really doubt that the Lord knew me, cared, much less loved me.  I wanted to quit life!

Still, I did not quit, I kept moving forward. I was back to work the following week and just going through the motions there, at home and in life.  I was not happy.

Thankfully, I did not quit.  Has it been easy?  No.  Have I wanted to give up since?  Yes.  Many times.  Still, I know to keep going.  Sometimes all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and be thankful that your heart and lungs know how to function without your help.  Keep going.

794281EB-67AA-4107-916D-BCB5EF146274It was when I heard this song, “He Knows My Name” by Tara Jackson and played the song over and over for the longest time and still one of my favorites.  He does knows my name and He knows where I am. Thank God.

Days, months, years passed and I did not quit. Finally confiding in a Counselor, it helped get myself together somewhat but he moved out of state after a year or so of counseling.  Alone again.

It was six years later, I had enough and that I knew I needed help so I begin to ask the Lord to lead and direct me to the right Counselor.  He did just that with four years of counseling with one of the best that changed my life and helped me put my faith and trust back in Him.  He was always there for me but being so hurt, my attitude, anger and rebelliousness was there also.  Was counseling easy?  No.  Many times I wanted to quit.

No matter what I am going through, whatever my son is going through right now or you as you are reading this, don’t quit.  We are just going through. While life can bring some hurdles and sadness, there are blessings and joy, too.  Look for the good in what is around you.

Tomorrow is another day if today sucks.  Get some rest.

EF7C7F99-5B30-4D9A-9CDA-4C6326862B7A

 

I Need Your Arms

F197C556-6FB8-49EA-A438-9FEA9947885CAll I can gather is that the emotional toil on my life has zapped me more than I thought.  The past two months of losses with animals, loved ones, turmoil with my child of worry and the unknown of what is before me.   Exhaustion with it all plus the heat and humidity where I live has caused a lack of energy.  Giving myself grace instead of feeling all down, depressed and lazy is a big step for me though.  I have been through a lot of ups and downs.  It’s okay to have some up and down days, too.

Still, I find that I have struggled with the need to be loved. Is that wrong though?  Understanding and grasping why those thoughts come and desire to be loved is part of my childhood, called Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). 612D9385-1AE5-45D1-A68A-A8F04AA06A92

While I was loved by being in the family, I was not loved or shown love through hugs or physical touch as a child should be given and a lack occurred in my emotions and how to acknowledge them.  Sad.  Realizing all this finally about four years ago after going through life and questioning what is wrong with me.  My former counselor was wise enough to recognize, help me see the pattern and how to notice what is happening in me when I get to the deep yearning of a motherly hug.  Mentally and emotionally inside, screaming, ‘please hug me.’  It usually points to the fact I am tired and now, exhausted.  I recognize and acknowledge now instead of letting this emotion of sadness of loneliness overtake me.  Apparently, I did learn from her.  She would be so proud.

0212DB89-3576-4696-9D57-D230B1A63FD8Instead of yearning for the motherly hugs from motherly figures around me or even from my counselor, which she gave me often upon leaving our session due to knowing my heart and feeling my basic heartache, I have turned more to the Lord.  Lord, hold me through this or I need your loving arms to wrap around me.  I need you. Hold me tight, don’t let go.  Perhaps learning while knowing, that was what He wanted from me anyway, which was to turn toward Him and allow His Love to fill my heart void of love.  No other can fill that void.

Oh, but years of having a deep desire to be held in an embrace of a motherly hug so tight that my emotions would drain from me was always present in my mind. 06A77E96-8D39-458E-8387-E0C4863D86EC

Throughout this process and understanding, the yearning for the love of motherly figures lessened.  Then to lose my wise, sweet counselor due to closing her counseling office,  I was beside myself and even angry at her with the way it ended.  Although, I am sure and have no doubt that she, too, needed the Love of God through the process and decisions made to close her practice.

Recently, questioning if I am grasping everything we discussed in counseling for years in this area of CEN, as I do not require the hugs nowadays or perhaps I have stuffed my feelings down more-so because I felt hurt yet again by another and especially by her, the one who understood me and knew me best next to God.  The walls we build to protect our heart from hurt, they can go up quickly. Pondering this for many months, probably both at times but when I realized I was calling on the Lord for His Arms to hold me, hug me and to feel His Love, that is exactly where I need to be. A2F942F1-4A41-4D61-88F9-D77DA177C0DFPeople, whether, friends, family, church, even counselors, etc., will let us down and hurt us.  Normal.  Our focus should be on God and know that He truly loves each one of us.  To truly grasp that from one growing up feeling unloved, just existing, and love not shown, it is easy to question.  Also normal.

He Loves Me!  He Loves You!  Isn’t that great!?

Grasp it, hold it and yearn and allow His Arms to hold you in whatever you are going through.

5874F865-1AB5-4B39-B9F5-F98A06D266BD

Childhood Emotional Neglect – Dr. Jonice Webb https://drjonicewebb.com/

 

 

Family Loss

Just this past week, my last living Aunt passed away. No more Aunts or Uncles left for me on my side of the family. The next generation arises to the fold in this family, knowing death will take each one of us at a time. It is an odd concept of thinking but here we are.

2c428036-3d43-4f83-b910-b56f01bd07f4-4492-0000010337aa0e55I have had my fair share of family issues in the death of my parents and the estate. Total greed and usually there is just one member or two, as a small gang, to cause strife, discord and feel the need to have one more penny than the others. It is crazy. Or are they crazy? The greed of money is the root of all evil.  Do they think we don’t see their patterns and actions?f5792309-1fb0-4ab9-a0b6-9f1bb63c0141-4492-000001031015c1c7

As I watched and listened to my cousins as they bury their mother, my favorite Aunt, I see the discord within the troops already and the one in my history of hell, raising their ugly head already to get that penny felt due to them. I just shake my head of their lack of respect and gall to feel entitlement. Some just love drama.

9BB5945B-B1CC-4538-B17F-606EADDB7A77

I am thankful that my head is not on the chopping block this time over of the estate but will, without a doubt, be called upon for support and questions. If so, I will be accused of breathing yet again by this one in particular who has no business within theirs. Just because!  Dealing with an estate is a hard job and sometimes hell as greedy people, sadly family, attack verbally, spread lies and rumors.

The Lord will fight my battles. I have had to hold tight to that Bible verse.

I am sure they do not tell of what they have done or said but are readily open to spread verbal garbage to others. Another Bible verse, you will know them by their fruit. 54175218-4ec8-45e7-96c6-179e86aaef82-4492-00000104e8de6653Those that know them, know them. While others enjoy drama, too, and will believe the lies. Whatever. While it hurts to hear and to watch, I know the truth. Keep walking forward and do not lower yourself to their level. Onlookers will not be able to see which is the fool. Stand!

If and when you ever have to deal with an estate, be prepared and just watch and listen. They do not go without incident.  Just breathe!  Trust the Lord and put your faith in His Word and know He sees all and knows all.

E0EFE30C-8BEE-45A3-9F00-5908E55222FE

To those that have dealt with an estate, did you experience issues?

 

Lock the Damn Door!

30189D04-BCD5-4CB7-9D4F-1C00CCB0582EHow many times do I have to say or write a post-it note so that he will get it? This drives me absolutely insane. Perhaps that is the plan.  Hmm…

We live on a street with apartments and new people move in all the time, some of not so great reputation. While the last few months have been quiet, that was not always the case due to drug dealers, drug busts, fights, etc.  I have the pictures to prove up to ten police cars, fire trucks and ambulances at one time, at various times.  What fear it brings when pulling into our short, dead-end street to see all these emergency vehicles in front of my home and in my driveway, at times, too.

It has been nuts and one weekend, about a year ago, I placed heavy blankets on our front windows so we could move about in our own home. Not a good situation to live in fear within your own home.  Thankfully, that wild, drug-dealing group is gone.

The buildings are in bad shape, which is another reason rent is so cheap that keeps this situation reoccurring time after time.  The buildings cannot last much longer, although I have been saying that for years.  I have hope!  For us to move, we could end up elsewhere with same issues plus I like my house.

C214E6AF-EC51-44CA-B2F1-74F67FD3F799So, my husband goes out to mow and tend to the yard.  He goes out the front door, leaving it unlocked while working in our backyard. Nowadays, you do not leave your house unattended to, such as a garage, front door unlocked, etc.  This is not Mayberry anymore.  Still, today B50A5EDA-FB10-497C-B6CF-96915D61C3F9I just walked in, unlocked door, and he is in back mowing.  Fear hits, more times than others, of what could be or could happen. As many times as we have had this conversation, it is a lack of respect for me and my safety, I feel.

Having someone in my home back many years ago when I lived with my parents and while I was home for lunch, not knowing but gut instinct, it all started to add up days later with things missing.  I remember thinking my parent’s bedroom door was closed more than usual and thought that was odd.  Realizing later, he probably was behind the door.  It brings a violation of our privacy and fear.  My husband knows of this incident and of my concerns.  Still he repeats.

5D9C3255-3689-4DF5-8130-93BB076CF6CCAs you and I both know, drugs will cause people to do whatever.  While I may not have the perfect ten for a body and with my age but thoughts of rape are there, as I am still a woman and I have heard worse incidents of such.  To be hit and knocked out in order to steal, shot or even killed is not uncommon these days.  When I am home alone, I keep my doors locked. Not necessarily out of fear but just common sense.

There is a movie that I enjoy watching called, The Help. Odds are you have seen it, too.  The young girl opens the door and goes into the office for an interview and then when she leaves and the boss screams both times, ‘shut the damn door’ so I think of that scene and hear his voice each time I walk into my unlocked house but thinking or saying, ‘lock the damn door.’  In my frustration, humor is needed.

No matter where we are, whether it be in our homes, out walking or shopping, vacation, in the car, etc., we must pray and trust the Lord to put a hedge of protection around us.

B479B773-54B0-4A1D-B09B-861DEBECCB3B

 

 

Heart Pangs

 

3B1CA3BD-C2A4-479B-ACB2-C1331E04C01AAs a mother, no doubt each of us as a little girl dreamed of being one. The anticipation of dating, kissing, falling in love, marriage and then comes a baby carriage. Bet you are thinking or singing the little ditty of a song that goes along with this dream.

It happens, although sometimes backwards these days, but for the most part in line as it should. I loved being pregnant, well the first three months were a little queasy but then easy sailing as my belly grew and my love developed for this child within each time.

At birth my faith grew as only God could make this beautiful creation be so perfect.

Life takes over with home, caring for parents, another D2871576-F428-4AD6-B19A-6AEA5F5734D2child, school, sports, illnesses, etc.  Then the next is that they are off to college and maybe never to return back home.  Their bedroom sits empty and the noises and smelly socks and shoes are gone, in my case.  Just memories last and pride bursts through of their independence and success.

C4AA06D0-6213-4B53-96F3-DE5D94EC1136No matter how tall they get or where they go in life, this child I carried within and in my arms will always be in my heart.  When they hurt, I hurt.  Letting go to allow life and its lessons bash them is more than a mother can withstand. Is it paybacks of what we did to our mothers perhaps?  Just as a toddler walking, they fall and get back up. Same with an adult child.  Knowing this period brings growth in them, it swallows us up in fear.

8D13C480-35A6-4B25-A290-74F9AE87F54AAs a mother, I know that I can pray for God to cover my child with His protection.  Praying continuously.  To bring Christians in their path to speak hope and life when hearing their mom over and over again, goes in one ear and out the other.  Still, I am the biggest cheerleader in their life and always will be. My love is everlasting.

To know my love is that deep for my child(ren), just imagine and just take it in as to how deep God‘s Love is for us.  💕Amazing!

 

 

Play Dead

2F8555C6-80C8-4770-8A15-43CA9D4A83CBLife has a way of throwing one for a loop sometimes.  For the most part, it is good and a happy, fun time but other times, it can make you shake your head and stop you in your tracks.  Just overwhelmed.
For whatever reason, I gave thought the other day of the load I have carried for many, many years and while now it is easier due understanding many areas, but I was weighted down.  The stress was too much. Probably typical of each person as responsibility and burdens comes and increases due to all types of situations.    Apparently, that day I was feeling the load of stress and of life in all areas.8312B0AB-877A-43E4-8E96-918D3FA704E5
Back when I was in a counseling session with my former counselor, we went through this several times of looking at various little hard-rubber animals sitting on the table near to where I was sitting (frog, raccoon, beaver, opossum and a couple of others) and I had to figure out which one represented me.  As crazy as it was, each time we did this, it was the possum.  The reason being, it was the load I always had to carry and still.  Many of their characteristics, I can relate to. Today, I’d still pick the same.
Although we never discussed in counseling what these silly animals represented and why we played that so-called Therapy game, I will always wonder why, her thoughts and the reasoning behind this task in counseling.
Just a month or so ago when writing this, dealing with a final decision of a serious matter, as I normally have to make because I knew my husband would not make, it was on my mind.  Plus, recently dealing with my son being overwhelmed and crazy enough, I felt it today myself.  Frozen in the anxiety of it all.  Do you ever feel overwhelmed?
63D69FAD-7D0E-456F-A846-3CCD4F8D774CSo at those times, when over my load limit, overwhelmed and all, I guess I just want to play dead as the  possum will do. I’m tired, I cannot go much more, etc.
Just as an ole possum, it gets back up and continues on with life just as we all do.  Just life!
3AB4BF1E-E8BC-4E59-B753-31CABD66A70FSo no matter what is before me, my son or if you are overwhelmed take a break and then get back up and continue on.  It’s just temporary.
You’ve Got This!  😊

 

Bogged Down

Stress! Stressed! Who me? Who you? We all go through it.

Stress Man

Life just has a way of throwing more on us than we want or need at times. I have someone very dear to me that is in the midst of this stressful period.

Sometimes as it comes, the process of working through it is tedious but manageable. Other times, it is so overwhelming that the mental chaos is too much and shut down occurs. Time to find a balance and regroup. Life.

Knowing I have been in this place so many times and seeing and feeling the weight of it on my son as he builds his business is so hard. As a mother, I want to help, take it 3A8A5AF4-C1FA-4B45-81E4-D3DB85BE7D18off of him and help him maneuver through the chaos but I cannot. All I can do is encourage and support him as he stretches his independence and capabilities. He will get it and be all the better but the heartache grips my soul. He knows I am his biggest cheerleader and he can always lay his head on my shoulder and will have my hugs and prayers.

Overextending oneself is prone to happen and when it does, you think I will never allow that to happen ever again. Well, you do. Each time through that, you do learn a lesson and at some point you look back and realize you did make it through and sometimes laugh at this mountain before you and others in the past were molehills. The pushing through of these times happens and part of growth but feels like hell.

So many times I have been there. I am sure you have, too. I cannot go anymore. I STOP everything. I do not want to see anyone. I do not want to do anything. I do not want to go anywhere. Shut down and hide from the world. I understand where my son is and what he is going through. PUSH!

Usually through these periods, we have forgotten self-care, to enjoy life and play along the way. It happens. We give and take and do for others and we forget ourselves. Then there are times, we play too much and really get in trouble at our own fault and now we must work through and chop away at what is before us. Balance. Get your plan of action together and sometimes a quick swift kick on your backside is what you need. Again, life!

A5F89032-A917-4AE7-9DA4-E286C5C08370Just do not stay down and give up. Never! My favorite saying is, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” That is so true. If you have to visualize sections of that huge elephant before you, an ear is smaller than that leg. Gone. Then attack the next and so on. Whatever works, do it. Chop away and soon it will be such a sign of relief and the heavy weight of this so-called elephant is off your shoulders. Until next time.

FF9BB7CC-E370-4EB8-ADA6-DA3450267498

Don’t forget yourself. Remember to balance between work and play. Don’t give up. Ever!

When stressed, just turn it around. Desserts. Yes, I think I will.ED03C310-7FDA-438A-B5A0-F9BB9E159610