I Became Her

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The other night I had to laugh at myself, as I was reading something with my reading glasses on and looked up, realizing my glasses were lower on my nose, and I am looking over the rim. When I was young, I’d see older D686905C-1D11-421E-B8BA-B51B3989E663women doing just this and hated it, thinking I will never do that. I became her.

Going back in my memories, my parents would dress up and go to company dinners. I was young and was always fascinated watching my mom put makeup on at the bathroom mirror, as most little girls do. When finished and the final step was the lipstick, as she would always give a quick pucker-up kiss as a stamp of approval.  I stood in the doorway, just watching and waiting. Before she started the process of applying makeup though, the Oil of Olay 28BC5192-DB01-4419-8E45-0D3C94E0B990would be smeared on her face, with me asking why she does that. Of course, her reply was that it was to reduce wrinkles. I told her that I was not going to have wrinkles. I still remember her slight laughter and saying, okay we will see how that works out. I became her.

F57FFC5C-C925-4E3A-8D64-CCF2AB296D17Another time with mom, she loved Jergens hand lotion and used regularly. I looked at her hands and from years and age, her skin was looser than mine, being a child, as I observed the differences. Of course in my child’s mind and stating the fact, my hands will not look like that. Today, I have aged and I see my mother’s hands when I look at my own. I became her.

When I was in fifth grade, my teacher was so pretty. I was at an age of growing up, going through puberty. While I had sisters and my mom, they were too busy to help me in areas that young girls should know about. I watched this teacher, admired her hair, how she dressed, matching shoes, jewelry, plus she had a sweet and caring personality. To me, she was a role model, and I learned by observing and paying attention to details, which have helped me through my life. I became her.

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As I was in my senior year of high school, not knowing what I was going to do after graduation when asked by the shorthand/typing teacher. I really and truly had no ideal what the future held for me. It was when she not asked if we wanted to go but said we were going to the local Vocational School for Business & Office training. This teacher took two of us to visit the school, and we signed up because she said to, so my friend and I went to Vocational School. This has been my livelihood since 1977. With her teaching me, leading me, actually guided my life, I have been able to succeed and teach others. I became her.

During this pandemic, with no haircuts and a lot of things we take for granted were not being had. As I was working in the yard, I had a bandana around my neck as my sister visited and I pulled up over my mouth and nose, not knowing what we were all dealing with and respect for her. As I continued to work, sweating but making progress with our landscape, I took that bandana and slipped it on my head, holding back my hair that is now longer than usual. I went into the house at one point and glanced at a mirror on the way out, stopped and laughed as I saw my mom’s reflection look back at me, as she would wear a bandana the same way. I became her.DE7D0BC6-5908-4C15-9461-DDFDA9063584

Many have been in my life as role models, some as a mother figure to help me, to care and to give me those hugs that I longed for in my life. So many helped me know how to be a Christian and mature in my faith. Others, helped me understand life and who I am. To be a wife and a mother, and how to love and teach my children, I watched many through the years. Plus, how to be a good daughter-in-law and how to be a good mother-in-law. I have been touched by so many in my life and I can truly say from each one, I became her. Blessed

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 We tend to become like those we admire.” Thomas Monson
“Sometimes a teacher is the only positive role model a student will see each day.”
“God puts people in our lives on purpose so we can help them succeed and help them become all He created them to be. Most people will not reach their full potential without somebody else believing in them.” Joel Osteen 

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Closure

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Sometimes in life, there is no closure.

With no closure, whether it is through death or an ending of a relationship, it leaves a gaping hole, a void in the heart, with questions lingering of the one left that cares and loves so very much.

Some days are good and some days are not.

Only time can heal or ease the pain, which seems endless, as stages of grief grips the emotions and heart within.

How do you deal with grief?

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“Getting emotional closure means that you can “close the book” on your situation and its associated pain. You can put that book of pain on the shelf and you will no longer have to take it down and read from it on a daily basis.” (Dr. Phil, How to Get Emotional Closure, June 9, 2004)

https://www.drphil.com/advice/how-to-get-emotional-closure/

“Grief is the psychological-emotional experience following a loss of any kind (relationship, status, job, house, game, income, etc.).” (Dr. Will Meek, Psychology Today column, Note to Self)

https://theinvisiblescar.wordpress.com/2015/06/14/the-griefs-of-an-adult-survivor-of-emotional-child-abuse/

“People with different attachment styles are likely to grieve and express themselves in different ways after a significant loss.” (Hal Shorey, Ph.D., Attachment Styles and Reactions to Grief and Loss, Psychology Today)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/202001/attachment-styles-and-reactions-grief-and-loss

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“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)

 

My Hiding Place’s

F87F5CD4-B789-4CC2-B605-B11071B3CD93One day recently, I had time of which I have had a lot lately, probably you also, with the quarantine upon us all. As I was going through photos from over the years, taking time to organize a bit here and there, which was a nice break from cleaning, etc. Plus, for the most part, memory lane is nice to travel down although at times the tears flow in those memories and then the next photo will bring laughter. This in and out of emotions can make one wonder about their mental status, just saying. We each have emotions and during this time of the pandemic situation, more emotions are exhibited, and are normal.

In that week, I read or heard three counselors express their emotional battle through this pandemic. It just proves that they, too, are human. Two of the three are CC77231D-8433-4740-8AF2-851ECF34FCBDhaving the Telehealth counseling with clients dealing with the same and/or other issues. Here each one, although trained to listen, hold and help the client but inside them they also feel the same panic and chaos we all do. Of course, my mind wonders about my former and present counselors. How are they holding up?

About two weeks ago, I wrote a blog about the Lord being my hiding place and He is. Often I have had to hunker down and dwell to have hope to get through this myself and other issues over the years. We each have this hiding place available to us.

Spiritually, He is my hiding place. I can hide from the outside world and let my tears flow, I can be fearful, 38AAF785-05DF-4209-933F-5F0D9D92BCA9angry and lost in the chaos around me unsure where or what to do, and He protects me while I regain strength to go forth until I need to hide deep yet again. He is always there for us.

In my life the last six years or so, I have made some changes, around me and within me, I am not the same, thankfully. It feels good to know I am not stuck but inching forward.

I have two physical hiding places that I go to in order BAA2E341-0C48-4FF0-B34B-4DCF32C929A9to clear my head, to be alone by myself. It’s just me and the Lord, to cry, pray, read, write or do nothing. Just a break in life from everyone and everything. Both places are not far from my home, one north and one south and nobody knows where I am safely tucked away. Of course, I leave names and numbers for contact, if needed, and I am one-hundred 9C21ED44-77E0-4DD8-A785-4DCB5E49F214percent safe.

Even though I have time on my hands right now due to the restrictions upon us, and basically I am alone in a house of two anyway but my desire is to escape to my hiding place. In time I will but for now, I hope. The anticipation of what is to come.

8585B328-F750-4E98-9065-B847F13608E8Years ago and honestly up until 2017, I would not have done this. Always taking the back seat of cares and issues at home, a waste of money on me and every excuse possible because I thought I was not worth it. Oh but I am! The quote that you cannot poor from an empty cup, is true.

Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.

I could have been a better me, with others. To go back many years of when my boys were young and still at home, I could have been a better mom. A better wife, if I had taken care of me more. It is not selfish. I cannot do anything to change the past but I do have a say in my future.

To finally get to the point in my senior years now and to deeply feel, that I am worthy, is pretty sweet. It was worth all the pain I have gone through, disappointments, heartaches, rejection, you name it and to finally feel worthy, is like precious gold.BFD5264B-C658-4FE2-A63A-0676CBAA0035

Why did it take me so long to grasp the knowledge of knowing I am worthy, precious to God, I am loved, etc.? I knew but I did not know deep within. I could share of His Love to others, how He has blessed me in so many ways where at times it is mind boggling of His mercy and grace, of how He can do the same for them (you), and encourage others.  I do know though that something in 2017 clicked within me. Acceptance of His worthiness.

Perhaps I needed to walk through life, feel the pain, but also see that His Hand has been on my life through it all. Had I not gone through some areas in life, I would not be E8A236DD-DE21-4469-965E-E7004605361Asharing here and now, as I have a story. My story is His story sharing the mercy and grace bestowed upon me. We each have a story of the same, but do you recognize it?

So whether I go to my north or south hiding place, to be alone, I know I have a hiding place available twenty-four, seven, right where I am. He is there for me to calm my fears, collect my tears and give me hope to keep moving forward and hopefully offer encouragement. He does have a plan and a purpose for each of us.

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https://ponderingmissylou.com/2020/03/22/im-going-to-hide/

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