Overwhelmed

Have you ever heard the saying, I have so much to do that I don’t have time to die? I have a plaque hanging in my attic bedroom relating to that quote. 60B33F47-76BB-4593-AE7C-7B7F835D5AC8 I have had it for years because not only is it funny, I feel it to be true. Too much to do. End result, if and when death happens, it does not matter. Humor helps when the stress of life seems to swallow one up.

Many times this week, I have been faced with the fact I need to do or that, etc., feeling overwhelmed and panic sets in. The panic of freezing because I do not know where to begin. Chaos takes over in my mind and I become stuck out of unknowingly what to do, fear of dealing with some issues and just plain thoughts of ignoring and that maybe it will go away.

I will face it all and begin but I think I will write about it all for now. Procrastination at its finest, just because.

When I started my present job many years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. It was out of my league I guess you could say. Knowing I can organize and bring order to an office so that it will run efficient is a talent I have. Some offices need my help. In all my years, I had never had an office job to make me cry but tears would fall at this one, early on, due to the amount of work plus long hours of staying late while others were home enjoying their family or perhaps already in bed.

2BF3F1BF-5C85-46AA-B6DE-79A1BEBBBF33To this day, I still have on my bulletin board above my desk that reads, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” That was what helped me tackle the files in front of me day after day and some nights; one file at a time. Well, crying out to the Lord oftentimes of I need your help, direction and wisdom to get me through, or how can I make this better, etc. Today, my office run smoothly and very orderly but it did not happen overnight.

This week dealing with a health issue that put fear on me of death and the thought I do not have time to die, I realized I need to get some things in order. Last night I was informed of another matter that will affect me, I again realized that I need to get real serious of doing the same. The alarm is going off in my mind and it is time to problem solve yet again to bring order, not in my office but life. Pressure to push through when I would rather procrastinate and keep my head in the sand or feel like child and have a temper tantrum. Again, my quote came to mind of “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” And again, crying out with Lord I need your help, direction and wisdom.

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If we do nothing, nothing gets done. Taking that first step, making an effort and pushing through will bring results. So if you are feeling overwhelmed as I am now or have been or later will be in a situation, know first off that the Lord knows where you are.

811F460B-9F1D-4726-8CDC-33587BE13524No matter if you feel as though you are begging for His help, and we often do, but direction and wisdom in an area that needs attention to go forward in an area or in a perhaps stupid mistake you caused, He knows already.  He is there for me, you and each of us. He wants us to call upon Him.

If the quote helps you, use it, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

We all get overwhelmed at times. The head in the sand trick will only cause more issues. Deal with whatever and move on.

Not Perfect

After years of counseling due to marriage issues, personal issues and realizing childhood issues, I realized it is just called LIFE. We all have it, in some form or another.

Just a bit ago, I was going through some emails of which I am behind in either reading or deleting and had to smile because I am so far behind on many things right now. Before that would have stressed me to the max and while I feel it somewhat, it is not keeping me up at night. My have things have changed. Even other insignificant things whether at work or home, if I do not do it perfectly, it is okay. While it is not 110% in my book, it is still 99.9% so I shrug my shoulders and move on.

01786893-AB4E-450A-84BB-197253DDC4EDRealizing childhood emotional abuse can cause children to try and be perfect just to get noticed or praised and not to forget to feel and be loved, they will go over and above to gain those things. I did as I needed all those things. Even up into adulthood.

I want my boss to know I have his back and will make him look good, a lot at my expense while working late and making that report look great, etc. Odds are, nobody is 00F8C389-8885-49B6-9146-0D8223FFDFF3going to measure the margins, etc. I would. That’s how detailed I have been in life with such for one instance.

Having a task for another boss years ago, I worked tirelessly on this to make the ending of this study lesson perfect. To realize later, another co-worker, I am sure at the boss’s request added an appreciation to me at the end of all the work put into this endeavor. It threw off everything and I was livid. Now my work was off and now my name is posted. Those words of appreciation were never felt, as it was not perfect anymore. I was no longer perfect and now everyone saw that. Panic.

Since recognizing the whys in my life and understanding what makes me push for that so desired love, it has taken pressure off of me. It has been a good thing. I am thankful I had a counselor to help me understand this in me. While I still give my best, it does not need to be perfect, enough to make me lose sleep or cause me stress. The other day, I read a blog recently written and a word was wrong, should be taking and not talking, it is still there. When I find myself in this mode of perfection and needs to be done now, etc., I stop and recognize what is happening. It has been a lifetime of performing this way to be somebody.

News flash! I am somebody. You are somebody.

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Those we live with, work with, associate with are all important but so are you, me and each of us. You do your best and let the Lord promote you, accept His Love and He will always have your back. He is all that matters anyway.

629128EB-F7ED-466C-9B82-279E002D9903I tend to shrug my shoulders a lot more in life as a reminder I do not need to be perfect.

Do your best and move on.

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Journey of Life

947F91A9-B1D8-49C6-8138-5C2EEA15DF62Here I am, home from my counseling session and so thankful of having such great counselors as I deal with life. I would not be where I am today had it not been with each one.

Mental health awareness has been quite visible lately in the news and on Facebook of not denying or keeping your head in the sand that it does not exist. It does. Look around and listen to the news, there is mental health issues of all levels around us. Some being hidden by a mask or fake smile and those that are down right out there and may cause issues.

Why is there such a stigma of counseling and sadly in the church making people feel shame in going? Many years I secretly went to counseling almost an hour away to avoid my church and members from knowing I needed help. You know, those that will say I did not have enough faith in God. Those that will bring shame, which is why I went out of my way to go. No more!8DDBBD6E-CF15-41B4-BEFC-5BD3D2AC9032

I found myself, as I was leaving my counselor’s office the other day and several women were in the waiting room. I couldn’t help but think about them and wonder why they were there, too. Did they feel shame being there or did they just accept that they, too, need help. For a moment, and to be honest, I felt a judgment of them, just as many would and have in the past and/or in our experiences. Wrong! I captured that thought quickly realizing I just walked out of a counseling session. I am no better than them and we all need to support one another. It’s that stigma that latches on.  I’m sure others have had that of me.  While that quick lesson allowed me to see both sides, I politely smiled and wished them a good day. As we make these appointments and deal with life, that is self-care and much needed for me, you and others.  It’s okay!

We all have issues. Even counselors, doctors and so forth. I totally recommend seeing a counselor for issues or just to stay in tune with life and healing for yourself of past, present and for the future.  In my case, it started with marriage but nowadays it is to help me grow and heal some much-need broken places in my spirit, soul and body. I am a better person with counseling. Not having a spouse to relate to and cry on his shoulder or my close friends that do not live near, I have my counselors. Yes, counselors.

For this period in my life, I started with one to help me get over my last counselor of four years that left due to health issues.  We were dealing with abandonment issues in my life, yet I was abandoned by her. While not her fault, still it was and is still hard some days. Talk about a double whammy! Plus, I have another counselor to help me move forward in life, not so much focus on past counselor. Both have been good for me in my journey right now.  It’s been a good thing.

A2D1DCB8-345F-4FBF-9E47-A34CDC8843BAJust with my last appointment, she said that a poem reminded her of me of my past counseling experience, which I will share. Perfect. Again, I have had the best and thankful for what each one has done to help me grow, understand life, and even understand myself.

So, if you are considering to go see a counselor, do it. Give it time so each one can get familiar and build a relationship.  If after a time and there is no connection, change your counselor but do not quit taking care of you. There are some really good ones out there. Just know YOU MATTER and YOU are worth it.DE7BECC3-28B7-4B8B-83B3-C9265B356DA0

Just FYI, there is a lot of information on Pinterest regarding mental health, groups on Facebook and Google searches, too.

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Mum, Mother

6CE19055-E875-4DD2-8086-5D8FE4D508C3It’s Mothers Day! To each of you, Happy Mother’s Day. 💕

While this day is called out for mothers of which I am, I find it to be one of the most depressing days of the year. Let’s move on!

I know I am not the only one that feels this way, as I have read too much through the years. It could be a number of reasons why, such as loss of your own mother and feeling the grief, loss of a child that brings memories and an emptiness in your arms, perhaps forgotten by your own children due to their busy lives or whatever reason, it sucks. It just brings a depressing feeling and on a rainy day.

Even if my children would make a big thing of this day, I am unsure how I would handle. With my oldest being married now, I have been told over and over by my boss that once a son takes a wife, I will lose a son. I felt it last year and again this year.

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Different times today, I had to fight the thoughts that I did not do my job as a mother to help them recognize such days or perhaps I was a terrible mother and don’t deserve such recognition. Remember, I said fight.

While I did not have a lot of time to make such days special, I recognized them on their birthdays, etc. Usually, I was too busy to care about the other special days, such as today, so I did a disservice to myself and they know I can get through these days. As for being a mom, I have bent over backward and still do, plus I did do a decent job as well as stay in an unhappy marriage to make sure they had the best instead of struggling financially or have no direction or supervision. So those negative thoughts were just that. I know what I have had to go through.

0307DBD6-1E15-4D3B-A82B-F3913A1AB0D9So this quiet, rainy and subdued day after church, I took a long nap. I will finish my day preparing for my work week and be happier when I open my eyes in the morning, as I made it through. Being a mother is one of the best, fulfilling positions in life, ever. Sometimes though, it has been and it is hard. Still, I would drop anything to do for them. They have been my life and reason for living.

As I write, I did get a call from my oldest and an expected text from my youngest.  I do know they love me and appreciate me.  Something I have said many times through the years, ‘Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs but the most rewarding.’  I am blessed to be called Mom.

It Comes In 3’s

0294DFE6-AADA-46DB-ACC4-7FCF0367B23EAll of my life I have heard that things, whether it be appliances breaking down and deaths or other things, too, comes in threes.  I felt yesterday that this is all about to hit. While I brace myself, I also fight fear of the unknown.  The third one?

My Aunt is near death and hanging on for dear life, it is just not her time yet.  Our sweet fifteen year old dog has been going down hill but this past month, more so and now another cancer spot on her tongue.  Everything is going to hit at once.  The grief ahead right now slaps one cheek and the other as I wait for a big fisted hit in the nose. BAM!

Knowing another day has passed and my dear Aunt remains in a hospital bed in an induced sleep to keep her pain at bay, with nothing more to do for her, we wait.

Yesterday with confirmation from our veterinarian, finding out our four-legged baby is dealing with this issue once again.  I do not feel that another surgery should take place but my husband probably would. Her legs are failing her, she is in pain but …

While I think I have him convinced, I feel like a heartless person knowing he will have anger toward me, which is typical of grief.  I do not want this sweet dog to suffer anymore although my heart will break and tears will flow, too. I pray that she falls into a deep sleep as my Aunt will do and be pain free before we go for the dreaded appointment on Saturday.

In knowing of these two, who is the third?  That is when fear sets in with me.  No matter, I cannot dwell on the third and hope it all passes and we get through this period.

E24597A1-07D1-474E-95F3-E67B84783C01I find it strange that I have heard that saying all my life, seeing it happen and how there is a heaviness that hovers.  I am sure you have heard of this, too.  It causes anxiety in me and I do not like it.  I have dealt with enough fear in life that today I want to dismiss this thought of the doom and gloom.  So BAM!  If all these years, it was all bad, let’s turn that around and usher the good in instead. DDC5895D-E390-4852-9B27-AC855671E447

Whatever today holds, tomorrow or the next, my faith BAE116EC-985F-43FB-9231-069BA71D4A62and trust must be in the Lord and whatever comes before me, I face it with Him and because of Him, I can make it.

I may never see my Aunt again here on this earth again but in Heaven, I will.

While I give my sweet dog her space today as I clean as she rests, I tell her how pretty she is, I love her and all that dog talk we do as owners. They know us.  They are pretty smart.  I believe she is ready to go.

To grieve means we loved. ❤️

 

 

Lost Love?

 

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The other day, I got off the telephone at the office with an attorney about a case but ended up talking about our families, etc.  Knowing he has small children and having a busy law office covering many counties in this area, we got on the subject of taking time to breathe but also making sure his wife, the mother of his children is taken care of, too.  In his honesty and regrets, saying he has failed in this area while building his law firm.
I find it funny how many people and professionals such as this attorney will call into our office and this happens.  Perhaps they just need encouragement and the Lord is allowing me to do just that, which I like doing.
I know from experience that mothers lose themselves as they tend to the children, the school work, the groceries, cooking, housekeeping and you can AF45D6F0-AAB1-42D1-BBA8-E70BFCC8B7B9name a lot more I am sure, too.  They go and go and give and give and soon they are bankrupt, nothing to give at all  As the children grow and become more independent, it gets somewhat easier but then worry sets in moreso as they are driving and making decisions, etc.
B1069B56-9333-4128-A77F-96A5ECC798E6Just with this nice man who has been great to deal with in our business relationship to where we can talk about our families and such matters, I encouraged him that he needs to dote on his wife more.  It is time to take date nights that have fallen by the wayside.  Take the children to a family member or friend and maybe trade off times with other couples to do the same.  Anything!  Make it happen. A Google search has all kinds of ideas, from no cost dates to very fancy and expensive.
From experience, I was the one who made all the plans and did not want to bother anyone to watch the children or money was tight or whatever excuse and our marriage was hindered.  The kids left for college and we are left looking at each other like strangers.  The status of, I do not know you anymore and I am too tired to care to know you.  No interest was shown and now no interest to try on either side.
I have heard this over and over of how couples will lose themselves.  The wives with the children and tending to the home, etc., while the husbands are working and involved with sports.  Both are great things and necessary to do but if you forget each other during the process, what good is it.  One night a month, take those kids to a sitter or hire one and go out, if just for dinner. Your marriage relationship is worth it.
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Life is hard and pulls each one many ways but you must, whether you are the wife or the husband, pull yourself back in and grab the other one, keep the relationship real and alive between you both.  It’s not just about sex, it is time together.  Too late for me right now and others in the same boat but maybe not for you and your marriage.
If you have advice or tips on how to make marriages, especially with children better, please comment so others can read and get ideas.
To love and to cherish.
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Black & White

C24AF4A8-F0EC-4893-BD4E-E75CAD79656EUntil about four years ago, I did not have a clue about Aspergers.  Since, it has been eye opening and firsthand experience, I have found.

Years upon years of struggling within my marriage, not understanding why we were not on the same wavelength,  plus our conversations were and are always black and white, saying the same thing but different ways.

While other issues came into play, too, just dealing with many times the confusion I felt, shaking my head and just seeing a cycle in routines, brought craziness to my mind, I finally decided to see a counselor.

Walking through her door, convinced I was going crazy in this marriage, she was able to put two and two together quickly, mentioning Aspergers of my husband.  I did not know about Aspergers and what I thought it was, I figured it was a child issue, not a full-grown adult.

Still week after week in our sessions while I poured out years of frustration to her, the same response.  Fine.  I will go research and see just what this Aspergers deal is that she mentions to me.

Oh my gosh!  Besides all the research, I found a book that clearly identifies what I have dealt with for years.  My counselor had him pegged from the beginning.  This was like a lightbulb moment in my life.  Plus, I am not crazy. Now some may question that comment.  lol   I am a neurotypical (NT) wife with an Asperger (AS or ASD) husband.

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Being in such a relationship, the neurotypical spouse may start to feel as also having Aspergers because you are in their world so much in order to relate.  That’s crazy enough, but true.  Still, it is the shaking your head moments to figure out which one you are, at times.  Today was one of them.

I thought it was interesting that soon after we solved the mystery, my counselor had attended  a workshop on Aspergers.  Two couples.  One couple newly married and knowing of Aspergers, which the husband had, they could accept and deal with differences.  Going into the marriage fully aware.  The other couple, married for years and learning of Aspergers, the wife was so done with this marriage and the Aspergers, which her husband had.  This skit she watched and told me about, made her think of me and guess which couple?  It is hard and it is a lonely life together.   Just a side note, women can have Aspergers, too.

While my husband has been a good provider for our family, some are not.  He is a nice man but has his quirks. Don’t we all?  Aspergers or not.  There is good and bad.

While I have a clue now what is happening, I think my understanding has helped but it is still hard and still lonely.  Just knowing for me now, I feel that ‘I get it’ when something odd is done or said and am more understanding of him.

Perhaps you know someone that might seem somewhat odd, is very intelligent and notice a lack of social skills, etc.  Perhaps, this could be what is going on.  My husband knew he was different than others and would often say, he is one french fry short of a Happy Meal but never knew why.  While that phrase is funny, it is really sad because it has affected our relationship.  Now knowing himself of having Aspergers, that is not of interest to him, which is typical, too.  I just shake my head and shrug my shoulders, as I would want to know more.F8942BD6-7791-4DB2-9206-E109DA9DAD15I have recently worked with a guy for years and my co-workers would state that he is odd.  Yes, he is but I understood him and the reason why.  Aspergers.

664f4e88-4904-4617-882f-c6bd7a128a14-15865-000003a53111bd92This book is very interesting and mine is underlined, highlighted and all marked up, just like my Bible.

While my former counselor and I were able to move on to other areas in my life, after determining Aspergers was what I was dealing with, it was a Godsend to have her.  I was blessed to have her in my life, and I know without a doubt that the Lord knew I needed her.8E1FED02-9CEB-4A34-A7AE-D82DB646EA89

Please know that there are many private Facebook groups available if you or somebody may need support in this area.  There are many books available along with Google and YouTube to gain further information.  Research!  I fully support and encourage counseling.  Aspergers is on the spectrum of Autism.

Hope this may help someone. 😊