Memories

Hello In A Dream

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I look forward to sleep, as my dreams become almost real. I cannot imagine my life without dreams, seeing and understanding things and especially those I love. A brief instance of a conversation maybe, a few words or the embrace of a hug. I smile, I cry when I remember my dream and when so powerful, I write them down Today, I have done all that and to share. I don’t want to forget. I needed this visit, even if just in a dream.

“Hello. You look beautiful.” I said this to you. Your white hair and white blouse, you just glowed, as I saw you in my dream and we talked briefly. You leaned in to touch my arm with a smile, as in you missed me, too, and soon we hugged. It’s been such a long time. I do miss you.

Goodbye Old Friends

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This week has been hard, emotionally and physically. I recently had knee surgery and relearning how to walk after reconstruction. This on top of learning of two friends dying within days is too much.

The one friend, her and I have been friends since high school (late 1970’s). Sadly, her admittance to the hospital came after taking a dosage of medicine after hearing her husband tell her that he found another woman. This state in her body led to further complications, a medical induced-coma and death. My friend is gone. I can only imagine the anger felt by her family toward this husband of hers that is taking place, as I feel the same. Too many struggles in this marriage and now this. Just sad.

The other, was a guy I had a crush on since fifth grade. Later in high school and after we we graduated, we dated off and on. I loved him and his family but life took us different directions. This one hurt. Always a dream of us later in life reconnecting. That dream has vanished. There is still a love and connection, which now holds only memories.

Perhaps the physical pain but also feeling my age through it all and many as we age passing, grief becomes real and reality sets in with each one, knowing my time is nearing.

Enjoy life. Grief comes to us all in deaths or loss of a relationship for whatever reason. Grief is grief. Acknowledge, cry, wipe the tears and cherish the memories. We all go through this. We all will get through this.

Online

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I sometimes wonder if other mothers are like me. As we have babies and they grow, we are the one who tends to them and the responsibility is great but so rewarding, even though we do get tired.

Once high school is over, these kids are venturing out in the world. Little by little as this moment of release, we have felt the relationship loosen its grip of needing mom. On the first one, I felt a grief and on the second, I recognized what I was sensing. A sadness, a grief of no longer being needed. I would, of course, always be their mom but not in the same role. It’s hard.

Then there is college. Wow! They are on their own in an unknown place , making unknown friends and having choices in all areas of good and bad. Mama has no control. There is no curfew or rules and a new-found freedom is exciting for them. All the while, as each child leaves, the ‘empty nest’ becomes real.

As a mom or as parents, we learn to live differently. Who is this man I married or vice versa, who am I to this man. A real test there may take place. The child(ren) find their path as the parent(s) do.

It’s been ten plus years with both of my children living on their own. Thankfully, college brought 4.0 grades for both and many good friends. There were some moments here and there but that’s life.

I don’t talk or call/text them daily and there may be days or weeks, as I know they have a life and busy. They will contact me at times, which I am overly thrilled and will stop what I am doing to share this time. I have learned to FaceTime with them, which is nerve wracking for me but normal for them. I’m learning. I’m blessed with two great young men.

They have had my prayers even before I had them and they will until my last breath. One thing, they will never have to doubt is my love or my prayers for them.

Tonight, and other times, I can see if they are online in certain social media outlets. I laughed at myself, as just seeing that, it gives me a peace. I see that they are there. I am here. It just kind of makes everything in the world okay for this mom.

I am their mom, always will be, online or offline. ❤️❤️