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The other morning from the get-go, while getting ready for work, memories of a past situation, many years ago, that if I could turn back time, I would surely change. There is no going back though. Those negative thoughts that had been missing for so many years, in this memory highjack, hit me like a ton of bricks; making me feel that worthless, a no good for nothing person I am to believe I am. Ever have those moments? Where did that come from and why? WOW!

Quotes To Forget Bad Memories And People - Motivational Blog

It soon stopped but just that period was enough to take me down a rabbit hole of no return, it felt. We all have bad memories and have made stupid mistakes, etc. Right? Please tell me I am not the only one. In this battle, which felt like war and of all times putting on my makeup, perhaps war paint now that I think back. It was a war within me. As I was getting a grasp and being aware of what was happening, I could see and hear my former counselor tell me time and time again to change those negative thoughts around. It was the past and there is nothing I can do about it now. Move on! Yes, what transpired was stupid, but I learned from it, and to NEVER do it again or allow it to happen. The situation I was in at that time, I can see why this or that happened, but I was smart enough to turn circumstances around.

Bad memories will play the most often, but just because the memory comes up  doesn't mean you have to watch it. Change the channel. -Joel Osteen | Joel  osteen quotes, Quotes, Inspirational

As I was taking a quick break in my day at work to write, only because yet another thought of a past incident, unrelated to the other, that I also regretted, came about. Again, there is no going back. As I sat at my desk, and yet the battle in my thoughts of way back when, it was becoming quite annoying. It was then, wondering what was going on in my life now, the present. I was being fought for some reason with these moments within hours of one another. Past experience, I knew when this happens, something good is about to happen. Just hold on! Hold on! I know to fight and push through the bad memories and of the emotions I felt. I am not the same person, as I have grown in the fight and strength within. I think counseling has paid off. Of course, the Lord promised He would never leave me nor forsake me. He loved me when I was young and stupid and He loves me now that I am old and wiser.

Those past situations in just hours of one another, that brought up horrible messages in my mind was meant to keep me down and get all depressed. Also, to cause me to doubt myself of the changes that are coming about within and around me but also to cause me to be hindered of being used by God. When this happens, it is meant to stop any worship or joy. The worthlessness seems to override the worthiness. We all have a testimony and perhaps that is part of the battle, I am making some long, awaited changes. Perhaps I am not to write, not to speak or even share. Thoughts come, just like my writing here of this, who wants to read my stuff. There are many blogs and other writings that remain hidden. Turning those negative statements around instead of acknowledging that there is no interest. Okay! It is just for me and my writing enjoyment. There!

Hopefully, as I share, another and perhaps you, will know that you are are not alone. Thank God. I always found it encouraging to hear of someone that just might understand me because they, too, have experienced or are going through or went through a similar situation. I did not feel so alone when those memories happened.

Well, I am writing, I will speak to encourage others to let them know and encourage, and I WILL share of what the Lord has done in my life. We all go through the valley, but we don’t stay there, although it might feel like it at times.

I know there is a plan and a purpose for me, still. I want it and I want to keep moving forward and will keep fighting the terrible thoughts. I cannot do a thing about them now or ever. It was the past. Perhaps, too, reminding me and each of us of those moments, as it can make one look at where you have been and where you are now. Hopefully in a better place and have faith for the future of joy and peace to follow. We all make mistakes and we always will, past, present, future and we will regret moments but we are to keep moving forward. If there is something you can apologize if whatever affected another, do so. Many times, it is forgiving ourselves that is hard to do.

Isaiah 43:18-19 says, Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland (NIV).

The battle within our minds is one of the most important factors that must be kept in check with God’s Word. While Satan cannot read our minds, he can influence our thoughts. Thus, begins the race to lose or win against the battle of the mind! In Proverbs 4:23-27 we read about “Keep your heart”.

Intrusive Thoughts and Obsessive Thought Loops - Blessing Manifesting

https://www.thecounselingpalette.com/post/7-magical-steps-in-cognitive-behavioral-therapy-or-cbt-change-your-thoughts-change-your-feelings

https://joycemeyer.org/everydayanswers/ea-teachings/putting-the-past-behind-you

https://www.openbible.info/topics/battlefield_of_the_mind

I Want a Do Over

My life is almost at the end of its race, even though I have many more years to live and hopefully have a happily ever after ending.

Thinking back, those wishes we have made of, if I had only known or if I did this or that and even not do those things, my life would be so much better and fulfilling. We learn as we go and we make mistakes as we go, too, though. I’ll have plenty more opportunities yet to mess up.

As a mother, perhaps as Mother’s Day is approaching or perhaps it is because I am sorting and packing items between my two sons of their past belongings when in school and at home and of my own keepsakes. Going down memory lane can be fun and happy but also bring up thoughts of regrets and sadness. Definitely no regrets on their part, but my own. Those thoughts that enter, reminding me of my failures being a mom, as the enemy is so fast to point out each and every flaw. Had it not been for these guys in my life, my life would not be what it is. They have helped me understand the depth of love a mother can have toward another and it is more love than for any other person. I got a double dose of love from them. They have my heart. They caused me to push through much anguish over the years of when I had no hope, but I lived for them.

Having sons, I expected and desired as a mom that I would have a major role in their life, and hopefully they can say well done mom. Even though I made mistakes and wish I could do over so many times in areas. I depended upon my husband, their father, to help them understand more of the sexual, manly parts of life so they held no shame regarding sex, their urges as testosterone built within, the how to, what to do, what not to do, how to treat a woman, etc. Nothing.

If I had to do over, I would have been more inclined to do the straight talk through this with them instead of them learning on their own or from friends. I should have known better from a comment on our wedding night. I regret leaving them searching and being unsure but also wanted to not embarrass them. In their college days, I was able to share and talk more freely as opportunities came about, and I think they felt comfortable enough with this old mom of theirs and many times we laughed over certain situations. Still, I want a do over.

Had I not had the wedding night and time that led up to that moment, and thereafter, I would not have my two sons. How boring life would be as they both make this world a better place.

I cannot have a do over from my childhood, adulthood or motherhood of raising them, but what I can do over and over again is love my children and be as transparent as they want me to be, as grown men, and go forward in life. Some changes will happen in the days, months and year(s) ahead and they can choose to know me in a different light, as with their father. We are all at a different stage in life, they are old enough to handle life and hopefully see I stayed for them long enough, was patient and had long suffering, but I now deserve a life of what is left to be free from being a caged bird.

Let me fly! There is no do over.

https://www.charismamag.com/life/women/33012-moving-forward-when-god-doesn-t-restore-your-marriage

https://leslievernick.com/

Flying Free | Help for Christian Women in Emotionally Abusive Marriages

White Sheets

What is it about clean, white sheets on a bed? To many, it means nothing more than clean, white sheets, nothing out of the norm. It is a chore many dislike, laundry.

As I was making my bed, my mind went through years and years of memories, of how I felt and where I am now. As I smoothed out the sheets, admiring the crisp look and fresh scent, I teared up, thinking of the past. White sheets. I can have white sheets.

When I go to my sister’s house and stay a couple of nights, I look forward to our visit but her white sheets make me feel special and loved. When I go to a hotel, which is very rare, and once I settle in of seeing no bedbugs (Thank You Jesus), I enjoy the white sheets for the night, it’s a treat. White sheets. I, too, can have white sheets.

My bedroom accent colors are burgundy and olive green, very pretty to me. I always had burgundy cotton sheets, which I loved as they matched so well to my decor and bedding.

Although, after many washings over the years, they were starting to look worn, tired, becoming worthless, just as I felt in those years that my memory was actively reminding me.

Awhile back, I finally broke down and ordered a nice set of sheets, supposedly burgundy but not. Burgundy is a color that is hard to match, it’s a must see item before buying, lesson learned. In that, I ordered white sheets. Unsure if I would like, as I had grown attached to my old burgundy sheets due to the blending of colors. Plus, I hate change. White sheets. White sheets are for special people or guests, not me.

Hesitantly, the newly washed white sheets went on my bed and I loved them. Now wondering why it took me so long to make this change. Just this simple change in sheets, I felt different. As I pull down the covers to crawl in bed, I feel a joy. Just a simple, nice set of white sheets made me feel like I deserve them in my own home. Years and years of feeling worn, tired, unlovable and unworthy, I have felt life returning, as I am lovable and I am worthy after years of counseling and figuring out who I am once again. Life can push one down so low, of no hope in sight. White sheets. I am worthy to have white sheets.

People say they lose themselves in life situations and I totally understand this, as I did. I was at a point of hopelessness and feeling so worthless. No person should feel this or get to that point but it happens. Thank God I had a counselor that spent session after session, for four years, helping me see through the dark days and of understanding myself, as I gave up on loving and trusting others and even myself.

No matter, I knew God loved me through it all. I reminded myself that He knew my name and where I was at all times, which was my go-to saying, sometimes of not believing even that truth. He said He would never leave me nor forsake me so I had to trust and believe when I had nothing left within me.

It has taken awhile to get to this point but just the mundane act of making my bed of all clean bedding, seeing the white sheets, I am so thankful and touched that He did not leave me. He has brought me to a place where I am today. I do have white sheets now, and I love them. I don’t think I will ever buy any other color. A small, insignificant piece in my life just to remind me where I was and where I am and to feel hopeful and worthy. It’s the small things in life that brings the big picture together. White sheets. White sheets are a must.

Perhaps reading this blog of mine, (man or woman) you may relate or know of someone of feeling the unworthiness, which can cause so many issues compounding upon other issues to where you might feel stuck and total hopelessness. Perhaps it is no accident that you read of my own soul-sucking life experience to know that I understand.

Just know and most importantly, never forget that YOU are worthy.

HE KNOWS YOUR NAME AND HE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE. TRUST HIM

10 Scriptures For When You Don’t Feel Good Enough

https://lynndove.com/2016/10/18/25-encouraging-bible-verses-for-women-who-struggle-with-self-worth/