A Mother’s Guilt

Does it ever end? I really was a good mother, the best I knew to be but I feel I failed in so many areas, too. Don’t we all though? The ‘if only’ I had known or could do over sometimes rolls over in my mind, even though they are grown adults. I needed more time with them to do this or that, teach them things that I overlooked and so much more. Time runs out.

A mother of toddlers and as they grow, it is exhausting but the best reward in life ever. It is not an easy job being a parent. Today, I wonder how the parents are relating and dealing with what is before their own children and family, as the world seems to be spiraling down to a deep despair of ungodliness.

I remember the time when my boys were old enough and to the age of puberty and here comes Clinton having office sex with his staff attorney, being discussed on tv. I felt I was at a loss. Now all the drag and pronouns and senseless behavior. It boggles my mind.

All I know to do is realize deep down and STOP the mental fight that I was a bad mom and did not do enough. My sons are doing quite well, but I know also I failed them in many ways. We learn. They learn. We all learned. Our parents did not do everything right either, I know mine did not. They did the best they could at the time. I must forgive them. I must forgive myself. To dwell in the depths of despair is useless and causes the rabbit hole of mental anguish to deepen.

What I can do today, from this point forward and each day is to be a better mom. To be me and know that they have a path to walk and to keep my eyes on the Lord, knowing and truly believing that He has prepared a path for them. They get to choose and make decisions. I have been out of the picture for a long while now, but I will always be a landing pad for them, if needed. They know that and they know, too, that I love them.

The guilt comes to all of us parents. It is the point of stopping the guilt and acknowledging that our prayers have been heard and that the Lord knows their name and He knows exactly where they are in life. Sometimes, we want to help the Lord. Just stop and let Him show them the way and that they be open enough to recognize the way. I did my job and probably you have, too, or are in the midst. Just because they are adults, they are still our children. Our way is not their way. We let go again and again. Let God.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

https://www.biblestudytools.com/bible-study/topical-studies/verses-to-pray-over-your-children.html

The Clouds

As a child, my best friend and I would take a break from playing and lay in the grass, looking at the clouds. Laughing and pointing to shapes we saw, trying to convince the other of what and where. See? I still remember this so clearly, fifty plus years later. Clouds are majestic in their own way. I still do this, seeing shapes and smiling.

Today, as I sat on my exit ramp going home, I look up at the clouds. This is a daily thing with me. They look so soft, knowing they are not soft at all. The shapes and uniqueness is mesmerizing.

Oftentimes though, I have sat in the car, on the same exit ramp, as life stops for a moment to reflect. Tears form of memories of grief flood my heart.

It was after my mom died in 1996, I would be in the same place thinking how beautiful the sky and clouds were from my standpoint but realizing the beauty my mom saw from her now heavenly standpoint.

The exit ramp was my quiet moment, waiting for the traffic light to turn, between work and home cooking supper for a hungry family back then. It was my period of grieving. Those moments still come and go, as today, I see the clouds and remember my mom.

Life. It’s how we see and deal with what is around us and the remarkable way we cope with loss. It’s okay to grieve, you must.

May the clouds you see in life be beautiful. The dark clouds come but don’t last. Look at the clouds and let your mind get lost and relax feeling peace within.

Psalm 147:8 He covers the heavens with clouds; he prepares rain for the earth; he makes grass grow on the hills

Job 35:5 Look at the heavens, and see; and behold the clouds, which are higher than you.

Time is Running Out

Yes, I am old. Older than I thought I would ever be in life. How did this happen? Just a few years back, I was in my twenties and now, near retirement in a few years. Soon, I will be reading up more and concentrating on Medicare and all that it has for me. Time. Where did it go? It went so fast.

As I look back over my life, a lot has happened, as I am sure with you also. Then as I look over my life and go through the memories, good and bad, no wonder I am exhausted at times. I am tired. Still, I have energy to do things, just not as fast. What I miss is being able to paint a room in hours but now it takes days and weeks, I do not rush. When I painted my bedroom a few years back, which is not huge but big enough, I learned to paint and just plop my mattress on the floor. Trimming is hard on this old body and my eyes, not to forget the steadiness of my hand. Oh well, soon it gets finished, and I vow never to do it again.

I am able to do stuff, as I am push mowing our yard with a bummed knee. Once I start, I am fine but if I sit down and take a break, give me some WD40 to get this old tinman/woman back up and at ’em. I am sure my neighbors see a lot of hobbling and grimaces on my face and maybe hear me either sing or comment out loud that I want a condo, forget this lawn work. If anything will push me to sell this house, it is the yard. Hiring a young man to do the back acre lot, he is pushing my buttons. The boy can spread mulch great but his weed eating skills, not so much. It is letting go of what I can no longer do and just be at peace with the weeds around my fence line, unless I do it myself. I have done just that, pay him and gone right behind him to fix areas to my satisfaction.

So, as days are rapidly escaping my calendar, I do seem to cherish life more being with friends and family, and I make my children more aware of my love and trust in them. It is time to keep them informed of what we have financially and where necessary paperwork is for when life is no more for us. It is an interesting role reversal as this takes place, but I do not want them to be in the dark as we have been with my in-laws. We knew nothing at the time of my father-in-law’s death just a couple of months ago. There comes a time when adult children need to know what’s what and know our wishes. Although, I have most of my funeral plans written out so it should be rather easy. If my husband is still living, there is strict instructions, he is NOT to put yellow roses on my casket. While I like yellow roses, they are not my favorite but apparently, he always thought they were because that is what I got whenever I did get flowers, early in our marriage. I still think it was an old girlfriend’s favorite that got stuck in his mind. I want pink roses!

Today, as I was with my adult children going to a family wedding, we were talking about some old paintball guns that I still have of theirs, which brought back their own young days in life. I laughed as I told them that I still have them. Then, stating you all will have fun when you go through all the stuff. Organized but stored away to hopefully bring them together to talk and laugh of all the fun they had and remember their old mom in the midst.

For now, I am enjoying my adult children and it is awesome to have a relationship with them in the present. I have truly been blessed with these boys and a daughter-in-law. Maybe another daughter-in-law to follow with built-in grandchildren. Now that will be an interesting twist, but I am looking forward to spoiling them.

Life sure has been interesting. I have been blessed and even in the midst of all my blessings, I have had some hard times and times of wanting to just throw my hands up and quit. I am so glad that I did not just give up but I pushed through. The Lord has truly been my strength in my weakness. He said He would never leave me nor forsake me, and He hasn’t. My time is running out but for now I am running with what gusto that I have left within this body.

Look forward, not backward and know that even though our time is running out, we still have time to live.