Big Ears

Little pitchers have big ears.

“Prov. Children like to listen to adult conversations and can understand a lot of what they hear. (Used to warn another adult not to talk about something because there is a child present.) I started to tell Mary about the date I had on Saturday, but she interrupted me, saying, “Little pitchers C4591558-7ADA-4119-9C48-6DBCCC7A618Fhave big ears,” and looked pointedly at her six-year-old daughter, who was in the room with us.”

Just that one look, numerous times told me as a young child I was in the way and not wanted.  I guess I could almost mind read at that age of get out, you are not welcome, you are in the way and so on and so on.

No wonder I felt rejected and unloved as a child.

472BC27F-D974-4405-B6AF-0AFA1D5EF953Years and years, those words rang over in my mind.  I always thought it was pictures on the wall, as pictures with faces have ears but it is a pitcher because the handle is shaped like an ear.  Go figure!  I just learned that today as I am typing this.

I am sure this was just a warning to the other adult but to a child, it held significance.

While there were times I heard the discussion being had, I don’t remember much.  Although at an early age, I knew that time was a private time usually between my Mother and another, giving advice or just listening to one vent and then the tears would come, Mom calling this time, having church.2424851A-CB4A-4EBF-8B58-12C04CA46657

With each of these church services, as they called it, I knew I was to not tell what I heard.  I learned early on to be private and not gossip, which is not a bad thing.

To this day, I feel that if you confide in me, that is locked in me not to share, ever.  A good quality.

Still, the fact of just now realizing those words and meaning caused great harm to me of feeling rejected.  To look back, I never once had a ‘church service’ as such, in that sense.

EFBA5469-BCD0-4202-B7AC-95C2BC54E40ANow, I understand it’s not pictures but pitchers.  Through many years of counseling on childhood issues, not just about this but it made a huge impact, more than I realized.

Today, I know that I am wanted, I am loved and I can heal from the brokenness within by God.  To deal with this today, and to understand and to know my place, healing can begin moreso and I welcome it.

I still struggle but understanding the root of the problem, I know He is doing a work in me.  I welcome God to heal the broken places within my heart. He loves me like no other.

If this can relate to you, He also loves you, please know you are worthy and He can heal your broken places within, too.  Trust Him!

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Mother, May I?

Here am I, another year older today, in fact.  I’m old.  Still my heart lingers to have and receive love that was never given to me.   While I now understand some of the dynamics of how and the whys, my yearning for a mother-daughter love will go to the grave with me.

Years of counseling, delving into my childhood issues, we hit on a lot of important issues and so many I never knew, just knowing through life, I was missing love, not fully understanding why.

Somebody, please love me!BE7B396F-90A4-4B9B-89B2-E493595655D0

Looking back, I do not remember as a child be snuggled or loved on.  Realizing I was the last child of seven and fully taking it as an oops baby, and after seven years from my sibling.  I knew and just accepted that life was busy with the others and just existed.  While I existed and took it all in stride, I was left reeling for much-needed love and attention.

I became very independent as a child and put in responsible positions, even at the age of six.  I was used for babysitting that early and on my own, for one or more children.  I would not even consider doing such for my boys, but they did me.  I got the job done, the babies and kids loved me, as I was a kid myself.  I was very dependable and loved the opportunity, while now knowing they used and basically abused me in that fashion.  No six year old, much less younger than twelve, should be placed in that position.

Scary enough, while bringing this up, I remember using a gas stove that had to start by a match, in order to heat up a bottle of milk.  I tried it but was so unsure of myself and probably one reason fire scares me to this day.  Thankfully, I was smart enough to run the bottle under hot water to do the same.  I could have blown us up and the building.  It didn’t help that I let this baby, another time, roll off the couch.  They trusted me.  Nuts!

Back to the other, still trying to understand when, where and why this all happened to me, I found I was drawn to other motherly figures.  Most that I was drawn to, I realized a pattern, they gave me attention, they talked to me, wanting to know me, I was able to sit next to them and that I did.  I could not get close enough, just let my arm touch yours was my secure attachment that flooded my heart with love.  I needed that closeness.

To this day, I still like that or the feeling of one to pat my arm or back as in, thata girl, or I am proud of you, you are special, I care.  If I felt a closeness to you, a motherly sense, you could probably hit me (just using this as an example) and I would be fine.  Why?  Because whether it be a pat on the back, your hand touching my arm, etc., I can burn that image and that feeling in my mind to pull up afterward whether it be soon after, days or years.  I needed that touch.  I needed to know you cared enough to do that.   Silly I know but my heart, my mind and my soul yearns for love.

D3A6883D-047C-477D-9EF4-C7B54A43C5FDWhat was it that caused disconnection between my mom and I?  I may never know.  While I know she was my mother, I was her daughter, I am in the family, there was something missing between us.

Years and years and still, although less nowadays, I clung to others in that role or similar.  Often in my mind trying to relay to another, hoping they would read my mind.  My mind screaming within, ‘Please Hug Me’ as my love bank was low. 08C8C495-E9E2-423E-9036-9AB60F1F26B4

The void of love given to me was lost somewhere and how sad that is of not knowing yet where.

Mother?  May I … receive your love, your hugs, your snuggles, your care, your attention, your hand to pat me of thata girl, to be interested in me, to encourage me, to brag on me, just hold me, to tell me how much you loved me over and over again?

Mom, while you were there within my reach, I just existed.  Why?

Today, I am understanding and also healing but most importantly, trusting the Lord.

I know without a doubt that He loves me, I feel His Love, He is with me at all times and that He will never leave me.  ❤️

 

 

Left Untold

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The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

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Unspoken Love

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How or why is it that family members do not speak of love?  To say ‘I Love You’ is hard and/or I guess embarrassing.  I have never figured this out within my own family.  It is that you just know because you know, you are family and you’re loved.  These words are not said.  How sad is that?

Even the thought of asking others in the family if they feel a void in love, is off limits.  True feelings are not discussed. This makes my heart hurt.  My heart has hurt for years of longing for the love that a child/adult should feel or have had received.

Leaving a family member today, my sister, I hugged and I did say I love you and she just looked at me.  Perhaps shocked.  I was thinking and even hoping that those words would be reciprocated but not.  I wonder if they know or feel this, too.

It took years to get this far though.  Before, for years, it was hello/goodbye and no hug so we’ve come a long way baby, as they say.

It is easier to say ‘I Love You’ to a friend than it is a family member.  Why is that?  To get a kiss on the cheek is definitely not going to happen.  I have only a few friends that give me a kiss on the cheek when leaving, along with a hug.   Those mean so much.  I hold onto those moments.

My children hug me and I cherish those hugs.  They know, too, that this Mom will ask for one more hug before they leave to go home.  It’s just expected, with a grin.  I will always hug them, kiss their cheek and say ‘I Love You’ so they will never have to guess or wonder if I do.  I do!

Never let your child(ren) leave without saying those words to them or while they are in your presence.  Hug them, pat their arm or back, as the power of touch is healing.  They need to know you love them.  They may pull away or act embarrassed, especially teenagers, but odds are they want that.

Although, if you only do this while in a drunken/drugged state, that will be a definite turnoff.  I don’t blame them, as I experienced that.  If that is the only times of love shown, it is not love.  Just plain sad.

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