Be Still

E9644B59-E9AC-4FB1-B1C0-D28663BAD559In several of my writings, I have shared of my youngest son. This will be no different.

I love being a mom but my heart hurts so much for him and I try not to worry. I do though. Surely this is a normal response of a mother.

A grown son but will always be my sweet boy even though he is 6’3”.  He has been through so much and some brought on by his own error of ways, but he has made it through not borrowing money or giving up. I know at times he has felt like quitting and hopeless but that would be a normal reaction but thankfully he kept pushing through. I am proud of him but I know after so much of the push and pull, it can take its toll. Depression lingers over him like a dark cloud. Even that makes my heart to hurt.p for him. 1EC95CE4-CEA1-43EB-8C13-4B1BC0E8D2AE

As his mom, I try to remember my own youth and how it was. He is a lot like me, independent and stubborn. Actually, not a bad thing as determination keeps you moving forward. It’s hard though, sometimes lonely.

Keeping a balance of staying in touch with him of knowing I care and I am here for him but not being intrusive. I have made it known that I respect his independence and privacy so I hold off asking the many questions within my mind or enabling him. A balancing act that seems to get heavy on my end and off kilter.

This whole pandemic has made a mess for many, him included.  March unemployment has yet to be approved. Many are losing everything and begging for assistance. Even with that, I am unsure where he is financially. It is none of my business. I know he knows we are here and will help with necessities but is he too proud to ask I wonder or is a credit card(s) being maxed, which makes me cringe.

Now I know the Lord needs my help, right? I am his mother so I need to be right in there in the middle and help to make sure He takes care of my son. I know I can help Him. (Insert eye rolls)

65BF5D1E-8341-4295-ABB5-D4F4C1D4E519It is so hard to give up control and allow the Lord to handle this situation. I know I have had to in the past, now today and will all of the tomorrows. I don’t know what to do, but that.

There is not a day that goes by and sometimes hours when I am not praying for my son. So many prayers but especially, Lord, wrap your loving arms around him and keep him close. You know him better than I do as his mother.

This past week, when driving home from work, I stopped and went through a drive-thru for supper. A message that I was listening to was to Be Still and know that I am God. I had time to listen to enough of this message to touch my heart and give me a peace of what I need to do, which was to Be Still.

If I am doing all the worrying and trying to help God do His job, I am not at peace, losing my joy and holding up what He needs to do. Basically, get out of the way mom, sit down and Be Still. Well, by the time I pulled up to place my order, I am crying and trying to clear up the tears. I wondered  later what the girl taking my order possibly thought, perhaps this old lady is quite emotional over a chicken sandwich.

I knew this message was for me, and for my son. When I got home, I sat down and opened up my Bible to dig a little deeper into this verse as it was so heavy on my heart, as was my son. Be Still.

Just a little bit later, while flipping through some Facebook posts, I was on a page of a lady I know from church, reading her posts.  About the fifth post down, guess what it was? Be Still.

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Lord, I get it. I am to Be Still.

I have rehearsed those words and this verse over and over for days. Tonight, the struggle is real as I picked up the worry but I know what I must do and that is to Be Still

You don’t know me and you don’t know my son, except through my writings, but if you would be so kind to pray for him, I would appreciate. Thank You!

Be Still … and know that I am God.

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https://www.victoryacademyforboys.org/parent-point/a-note-from-god-to-the-parent-of-a-struggling-son

 

Don’t Tell Me What To Do!

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So often through the years, I have found I really get frustrated with my pastor. Yes you read that correctly, but I do. Recently, no different. Apparently, he gets frustrated with the congregation, and me being one. While I understand him and know he is trying to help me and each one of us, I feel he is hollering at me. I don’t know what others think or feel, I don’t dare ask. He probably is frustrated and that is how he wants it to come across but it really makes me cringe and feel less than of a Christian. While that may motivate others, it causes me to stop dead in my tracks, doubt and be cautious.7B690AB6-BE66-429D-AB6D-50D6F4B408DB

As I have pondered this over the years, I still come up with this no-good-for-nothing person, Christian that I claim I am. It makes me sink into a state of unworthiness. I hate this feeling. Questioning if this is condemnation he is placing on us (me) and if so, that is wrong. Or is it condemnation that I am throwing on myself? Does this trigger a part of my childhood I wonder and no doubt it does.

I know he preaches his heart out and is anointed but in this area, I think to myself, here he goes again. Knowing full well that I will have to fight my thoughts of being less than and I will go down the rabbit hole yet again. Whether I sit in the congregation or now as we listen online due to the distancing required.

E4AE16BB-84B6-4678-AB98-086C270E741DI know to pray, I know that the Lord hears my prayers whether in my thoughts, silently or verbally. Had it not been, I would not be here, right now. At times, all I could muster up was, Lord help me. My heart being in such despair and nobody to turn to or trust, He was all that I had. He was all that I needed. Even though I felt alone in the thick of it all, and even felt at times He was nowhere to be found. Although, I know now that my faith grew in those dark, lonely periods, it had to in order to survive.0FD531CE-BD59-4ABF-ABAD-8C1A98FCCA71

I did not have to yell from the rooftops, make a big, elaborate prayer of words that was not me for the Lord to hear my prayers. I am just plain and simple.

We are to praise and worship the Lord and I know that but that also gets heaped into his rants along with prayer. The comment of us sitting like a lump on a log, usually makes my mouth twist and jaws clinch, now in total frustration.  I am not him, will never be him and I do not want to fake my prayer, praise and worship.

As I was cleaning, still pondering this in my mind, realizing that this is a childhood issue that I need to come to terms with. The boldness from his voice at the podium, finger pointing and 7F89A8B9-B371-4116-9A64-EA8D859D3F13to say lump on a log, smacks me. To bring it home to understand and to grasp, I feel he is mad and hollering at me, his finger pointing confirms I am unworthy, to say sitting like a lump on the log is that I am also lazy. End result, convinced I am a good-for-nothing person on the face of the earth or in my family, now church family as a Christian.

77EC128B-21E8-4CAB-BA93-B042464BA8F6In a church service or in our private time, we worship and praise the Lord to usher in His Presence. His Presence is precious and I am fully aware of Him during such times. I do not have to put on a full production of waving my hands, shouting praises and being something I am not. If I do all of that and I have tried but that is my time between me and the Lord. I can stand or sit quietly and feel His presence all over me with tears flowing down my face, dropping from my chin in my worship, praise and prayer. This is my personal time with Him. I don’t need to care what others think or expect of me, although at times I do and accustomed to, which has always held me back.

At times, wanting to speak up and say stop making me feel unworthy and that I will never measure up. I have had that all my life. Is this the rebelliousness within me of my hesitancy, perhaps fear, too. Probably as I dig my heels in and protest as a child saying, you can’t make me and don’t tell me what to do.

Do I know it could be pride on my part? Yes, and intimidation but please don’t add to it and plop on more fear, as I will freeze in my tracks. I have had to wonder if this was conviction, but it is not the same.

4F5CA56F-5565-4E26-9960-1B850F8E1119So as I toss this back and forth the past few weeks due to the COVID19 situation and the seriousness of it all, the finger pointing and preaching returns, of saying do this, do that.  Again, I get it, I really do, but each time, I still get that unworthy feeling. I know, too, that the enemy wants me, us all to feel the unworthiness and to remain stuck. Am I going to act and put on a show just to please the preacher? No. Will I still get frustrated with him when he pushes this down our throat once again? Yes. I do understand he is trying to help us grow in the Lord but it is a big turn off for me. I love my church, my pastor and the anointing. I have considered finding another church at times, which may or may not be any better. I know that the enemy antagonizes me and I realize this could be a ploy to separate me from the church.  So with that, something is about to break, a battle within.  I have been at this church since 1985 so change is hard, too. This is when I need to be rebellious and stubborn, not with the Pastor or even with myself but the enemy wanting to halt my praise, worship and prayer.

I learned while in counseling, it was when I wanted to quit, throw up my hands and many times when leaving and once in my car, saying that I am not doing this anymore. The next week I would return. Thank God I did return because it was in those sessions we broke through some areas that changed me. I saw the pattern as I do now so I will dig my heels in and protest.

Could this all be the shame I have had dumped on me throughout my life? Absolutely, it falls right in line.

Up until the Fall of 2014 and for years later in counseling, I really never knew of shame. Never gave it any thought but as each session occurred, it was obvious that shame had hindered me in life, all of my life, which is sad. Since I now have a word and an understanding, changes and healing can occur as I have gone and go forward.

As I write, I tend to believe all of this frustration with the preacher to make me feel less than, unworthy, etc., is all but shame that I have carried. My issue, not his.

D84FF6C3-1891-41FC-B999-509BE7C3263DKnowing and understanding this, perhaps praying, praise and worship will come easier for me. Still, I know the Lord meets us where we are and He is the one to direct us and help us in areas to get us to where we need to be. To be a willing vessel, He will do just that. I do not need to put on an air to appease the preacher or anyone around me. The Lord is all that matters and my relationship with Him. To acknowledge how this has affected me, I do not need to accept the feelings of unworthiness. I am worthy!

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https://jerralea.blogspot.com/2019/09/lumps-on-log.html

9 Ways to Get Over the Fear of Praying Out Loud

https://www.reviveourhearts.com/articles/overcoming-obstacle-praying-out-loud/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-toxic-shame/

https://aibi.ph/harvest/Shattering%20Shame/ShatteringShame.htm

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