I Am Worthy

I Am Worthy!12BE7E16-A8D2-49AE-8B6F-B93188D0496F   You Are Worthy!

It has taken me years to get that in my thick skull to understand and feel I am worthy. I am sure I have wrote about this before, at some point.

At times regretting it took so long to get here but on the other hand, a relief that I am finally here. I am ME. The Lord knew me before I was even born, He had plans for me and what I was to face in life, never leaving me but loving me, just as I am.

25C9C74C-4032-4844-912D-F00358AAFA33So many times, I looked to others for my worth waiting for a compliment or to know they cared in some, small way or the hugs I craved. When received, my hope and worth in life became alive and joyful. Somebody cares for me. Sadly, short lived. The memories of that moment of high feeling that may last for days, comes down to trying to conjure up the memory or that same, sweet feeling and hearing words said directly to me. While I can remember, it is not the same. Sadness overcomes my soul for I need another fix. Somebody please tell me you care for me, hug me please as my mind is screaming, pat my arm so I can feel that touch again and burn it in my memory, I am desperate for connection.

I would never share those thoughts or words with anyone, always knowing I was desiring and screaming on the inside. In hopes one day, I would be loved by somebody and find my worth.

Thankfully, I had a counselor that heard the cries within and speaking of them with her, I no longer had to carry them alone. The Lord truly knew my heartache and allowed her to intervene. To share them brought embarrassment and shame but brought healing each time.

0917CC9A-78AD-4BC9-9154-22ED5C8E3B30The cage I was in of desperately wanting love and worth of others can only come from the Lord.  Releasing others from their attention and love that I required and hungered for only comes in small doses but receiving at times sometimes unexpectedly is so much sweeter.

I know without a doubt that joy, my sense of love, feeling special and worthiness is all from the Lord.554B51EB-EC85-4756-89E0-6041796A6FB7

When I don’t feel and know that within, my attention has wavered to people, not God. I always knew that deep down, but I thought it was easier to get and receive from those I can see and touch.

His Love is forever and ever.  It is where my love is focused upon that determines the outcome.

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Black & White

C24AF4A8-F0EC-4893-BD4E-E75CAD79656EUntil about four years ago, I did not have a clue about Aspergers.  Since, it has been eye opening and firsthand experience, I have found.

Years upon years of struggling within my marriage, not understanding why we were not on the same wavelength,  plus our conversations were and are always black and white, saying the same thing but different ways.

While other issues came into play, too, just dealing with many times the confusion I felt, shaking my head and just seeing a cycle in routines, brought craziness to my mind, I finally decided to see a counselor.

Walking through her door, convinced I was going crazy in this marriage, she was able to put two and two together quickly, mentioning Aspergers of my husband.  I did not know about Aspergers and what I thought it was, I figured it was a child issue, not a full-grown adult.

Still week after week in our sessions while I poured out years of frustration to her, the same response.  Fine.  I will go research and see just what this Aspergers deal is that she mentions to me.

Oh my gosh!  Besides all the research, I found a book that clearly identifies what I have dealt with for years.  My counselor had him pegged from the beginning.  This was like a lightbulb moment in my life.  Plus, I am not crazy. Now some may question that comment.  lol   I am a neurotypical (NT) wife with an Asperger (AS or ASD) husband.

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Being in such a relationship, the neurotypical spouse may start to feel as also having Aspergers because you are in their world so much in order to relate.  That’s crazy enough, but true.  Still, it is the shaking your head moments to figure out which one you are, at times.  Today was one of them.

I thought it was interesting that soon after we solved the mystery, my counselor had attended  a workshop on Aspergers.  Two couples.  One couple newly married and knowing of Aspergers, which the husband had, they could accept and deal with differences.  Going into the marriage fully aware.  The other couple, married for years and learning of Aspergers, the wife was so done with this marriage and the Aspergers, which her husband had.  This skit she watched and told me about, made her think of me and guess which couple?  It is hard and it is a lonely life together.   Just a side note, women can have Aspergers, too.

While my husband has been a good provider for our family, some are not.  He is a nice man but has his quirks. Don’t we all?  Aspergers or not.  There is good and bad.

While I have a clue now what is happening, I think my understanding has helped but it is still hard and still lonely.  Just knowing for me now, I feel that ‘I get it’ when something odd is done or said and am more understanding of him.

Perhaps you know someone that might seem somewhat odd, is very intelligent and notice a lack of social skills, etc.  Perhaps, this could be what is going on.  My husband knew he was different than others and would often say, he is one french fry short of a Happy Meal but never knew why.  While that phrase is funny, it is really sad because it has affected our relationship.  Now knowing himself of having Aspergers, that is not of interest to him, which is typical, too.  I just shake my head and shrug my shoulders, as I would want to know more.F8942BD6-7791-4DB2-9206-E109DA9DAD15I have recently worked with a guy for years and my co-workers would state that he is odd.  Yes, he is but I understood him and the reason why.  Aspergers.

664f4e88-4904-4617-882f-c6bd7a128a14-15865-000003a53111bd92This book is very interesting and mine is underlined, highlighted and all marked up, just like my Bible.

While my former counselor and I were able to move on to other areas in my life, after determining Aspergers was what I was dealing with, it was a Godsend to have her.  I was blessed to have her in my life, and I know without a doubt that the Lord knew I needed her.8E1FED02-9CEB-4A34-A7AE-D82DB646EA89

Please know that there are many private Facebook groups available if you or somebody may need support in this area.  There are many books available along with Google and YouTube to gain further information.  Research!  I fully support and encourage counseling.  Aspergers is on the spectrum of Autism.

Hope this may help someone. 😊

 

Within Us

Just yesterday sitting across from my new counselor, feeling at ease and comfortable talking.  The same ordeal exists that I have dealt with for years and I still do not know exactly what to do or go about it.  So, I take day by day that turns into years.  Perhaps the codependency in me, fear and just pure exhaustion from it all.  One of the reasons I attend counseling sessions, to get clarity and strength within me but I am not there yet.  My patience is wearing thin, not with the counselor but with myself.  Sometimes though with the Lord.

7F093816-B1E1-4D2D-8FA3-EF6F1F3F839Ctend to feel as though my wheels are in the mud spinning trying to get out of a hole.  I’m stuck!

As we discussed and tossed out ideas and dreams of my own, still the burden is on me to make decisions, to plan, organize, etc.  It is not as easy as some may think or offer their two cents.  It brings a hopeless feeling.

Many times, my cries to the Lord is that I do not know what to do or to how to go about it, I need help.  Then doubt arises, just as it did yesterday, maybe I am not hearing Him.  Of course, more negative thoughts come, such as it’s me, it’s my fault, I am a mess and so on to the point of my thoughts of I am the crazy one in this relationship.  The muddy hole just got bigger.  While I don’t stay in this despair long nowadays, it exists and makes itself known.  I dig myself out once again, knowing my circumstances.

I realize that counseling is talking through problems, issues in life from childhood to present to help one understand themselves.  If it had not been for the past four years with my former counselor, I do not know where I would be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.  While I still deal with issues, I am not the same person walking through her door the first time.  Thank God.

Even yesterday with my new counselor, discussing some of the same issues as we become more familiar with one another and areas of life, I believe a new level of faith will arise within me.  The Lord is not going to leave me where I am.  I have to believe that.  If you are going through things, you also must trust Him.

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Yesterday, she said that strength is within me.  While I know that, it is easy to forget.  Knowing what I have gone through, dealt with and changes I have made so far, I do believe her.  With that, I wonder why I need her if that is the case.  It is because I get stuck in the mud at times.  I totally support and encourage counseling.   As I ponder this today, I just wish somebody would give me a step-by-step method and tell me how and what to do.

Just writing that, the thought was, you do have a manual, the Bible.  With that, I know it is written of the timing of God, He will not leave me nor forsake me, He has a plan and a purpose for me and so many more verses.  What hope He brings and peace going through issues in life.   He’s got my back!  He’s got your back!

While I have trusted my former and present counselors, I have a Counselor that knows all about me, knows my name, where I am and where I am going.  I have had to trust Him through this and now, still trust Him.

I believe when I am strong enough, in all areas and not stuck in that mud as I relate to, He will allow everything fall into place.

We must trust Him as we all get stuck in the mud at times.

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God Winks

B2EA2A90-D200-4A8E-A23C-07AA7ED8872BIn all of these years, I had never heard the term, God Winks. Why is that? I have had many, to think of, just the Favor of God. Basically the same. I have and no doubt you have had situations come about that only God could orchestrate and faith would be increased with joy in your heart to experience.

This past week, I was telling my present counselor about my week and this one situation. While I was thrilled, he was quite ecstatic because he promptly said that was no coincidence, that was a God Wink. I totally agreed.

1DDC170A-AB01-468C-8496-763D21B1BDE6The more I gave thought to it, I was just thankful to God all this time, but then realized how he was so right, it was no coincidence. Thankfully, I just tend to have stuff like this happen in my life and think how cool is that but also thankful and happy. It is so God. He is showing me that He knows exactly where I am. How cool is that?!?

Last Sunday morning was running a little different and out of routine, as my son was in for the weekend but leaving to go back to his place. I was getting ready for church but was getting off kilter, as he is never rushed. I managed and we still enjoyed our time talking. Knowing my church service was the late one, I still had time. Soon though, time got away from me but finally got him on the road and me, too.

Living only ten miles from the church, I had time to get there on time. I travel a windy two-lane highway and usually no problem at all, nice and slow they say. Well, that is exactly what happened. Moving just fine and then nice and slow. Traffic was backed up for several miles. I’m thinking a wreck perhaps but later learned a detour from the main interstate. Slowly inching my way toward church, I come close to a church where my former counselor attends.

It has been now seven months since our last session due to her leave. I have so missed her and have struggled with abandonment and fighting depression but improving. Trying hard to understand but there is still a grief. After four years together in weekly sessions, she was a big part of my life.

So as I approach the parking lot to her church, I could see her car at a distance. Just seeing her car as I pass weekly, as I go to my church and seeing she is at her church, it makes me feel good, knowing she is there and okay.

As I inch my way up the road, the thought came that I will miss seeing her once again although the parking lot was pretty empty.  I was kind of bummed but then I see her car move and come toward the exit. My car was coming up on the church exit, which allowed her to pull out in front of me. It was just as if we planned it.  No, that was the Favor of God or a God Wink, as my new counselor said.

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As her car is now in front of mine, my heart was beating so fast of the excitement of this happening and also seeing her.  Sometimes I am just amazed how such a rare situation can happen with me. It does but it has been a long time. I so needed that whole scenario to happen and no doubt the Lord knew I needed just that. He is so good.

Looking ahead of my car, she was able to pull out on the road with many cars in line behind me and no traffic coming in the other direction. It was like the cars all around us stood still. We could not have timed this any better, only God could. I think she was happy to see me, too.

God Winks. Look for them. 2FAE5D2A-7F51-4487-846C-D547B1E10B98

“Every so-called coincidence or answered prayer is God’s way of letting you know He’s thinking of you.

“An event or personal experience, often identified as coincidence, so astonishing that it is seen as a sign of divine intervention, especially when perceived as the answer to a prayer.”

God +‎ wink; coined by SQuire Rushnell, author

Stepping Stones

I was recently told by my former counselor that she was just a stepping stone in my journey of healing. So true but so hard to grasp when my heart was breaking reading the truth. Fear of letting go and going forward is scary. img_0304

As I remember my past and each person involved in my life, just like yours, they were each stepping stones to where we are today. Each one, we learn from and grow while in some of those brought hurt and sadness and are stumbling blocks. Either way, through each, they pushed us forward.

I don’t like change and this last stone I was pushed off due to circumstances out of her control, which made me unsteady. Actually, they all do but with most recent ones, the distress is great.

ADB8E177-52DF-4509-B97B-FF79A7DD854DTo recognize and accept finally, it makes it easier to understand and go forward. Reminding yourself, you can do this and you do.

No matter of those before, they will always be a part of your life and testimony. I would not be where I am today had it not been for each person that was a stepping stone in my life. For that, I am thankful.

B1336C71-9397-4B79-8801-EB0B05C9D46DI am stepping onward, sometimes in faith believing, and moving forward. We have to in order to grow and heal.

The Lord has a plan for each of our lives and He will get us to where we need to be. Trust Him as you go about the stepping stones in life.

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Always Searching

FBFDEB86-FA98-4CFA-8208-F85F595C43D4Today as I go about life on my day off cleaning and doing the mundane things keeping a house, my many breaks tend to leave me researching for whatever is before me.  It’s finding out information and learning.  Google has become my best friend at times, always there, 24/7.

Even today, my mind is bogged down with questions.  I need advice and direction.  What would be nice is to talk 9DC5C451-2B7E-4A64-A913-963B7FC39F29to my former counselor and to get her perspective but that door has closed.  I’m left to search and ponder the unknown until there is an answer or peace in knowing what I think is okay and doing.  Time!

It is good to stretch your brain to learn but it becomes lonely when there is nobody you can turn to that will understand or validate the chaos within.  While yes, ‘nobody’ is a big field to say,  but there are some things that I would rather not discuss with many and at times proven to be the case.

AA7BA65A-E3D3-4208-A5C2-B3646A9FB7B0Searching.  It comes down to and to be reminded that we are to seek God and He will give us truth, answers and faith.  He is there 24/7.  He wants us to search and know Him.

Lord, I need direction, I need answers and most of all, I need You.  It’s as simple as that, and peace in the unknown comes as we put our trust in Him.

We will always be searching for this or that in life but it is when we trust Him, peace will come and that He will give us what we need, at the time we need.  God’s Timing!

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