Not Perfect

After years of counseling due to marriage issues, personal issues and realizing childhood issues, I realized it is just called LIFE. We all have it, in some form or another.

Just a bit ago, I was going through some emails of which I am behind in either reading or deleting and had to smile because I am so far behind on many things right now. Before that would have stressed me to the max and while I feel it somewhat, it is not keeping me up at night. My have things have changed. Even other insignificant things whether at work or home, if I do not do it perfectly, it is okay. While it is not 110% in my book, it is still 99.9% so I shrug my shoulders and move on.

01786893-AB4E-450A-84BB-197253DDC4EDRealizing childhood emotional abuse can cause children to try and be perfect just to get noticed or praised and not to forget to feel and be loved, they will go over and above to gain those things. I did as I needed all those things. Even up into adulthood.

I want my boss to know I have his back and will make him look good, a lot at my expense while working late and making that report look great, etc. Odds are, nobody is 00F8C389-8885-49B6-9146-0D8223FFDFF3going to measure the margins, etc. I would. That’s how detailed I have been in life with such for one instance.

Having a task for another boss years ago, I worked tirelessly on this to make the ending of this study lesson perfect. To realize later, another co-worker, I am sure at the boss’s request added an appreciation to me at the end of all the work put into this endeavor. It threw off everything and I was livid. Now my work was off and now my name is posted. Those words of appreciation were never felt, as it was not perfect anymore. I was no longer perfect and now everyone saw that. Panic.

Since recognizing the whys in my life and understanding what makes me push for that so desired love, it has taken pressure off of me. It has been a good thing. I am thankful I had a counselor to help me understand this in me. While I still give my best, it does not need to be perfect, enough to make me lose sleep or cause me stress. The other day, I read a blog recently written and a word was wrong, should be taking and not talking, it is still there. When I find myself in this mode of perfection and needs to be done now, etc., I stop and recognize what is happening. It has been a lifetime of performing this way to be somebody.

News flash! I am somebody. You are somebody.

CAEFEE85-B8E7-4C21-B166-F4D937B1F674

Those we live with, work with, associate with are all important but so are you, me and each of us. You do your best and let the Lord promote you, accept His Love and He will always have your back. He is all that matters anyway.

629128EB-F7ED-466C-9B82-279E002D9903I tend to shrug my shoulders a lot more in life as a reminder I do not need to be perfect.

Do your best and move on.

3540A365-7FCA-4401-A151-09F68A03261D

I Am Worthy

I Am Worthy!12BE7E16-A8D2-49AE-8B6F-B93188D0496F   You Are Worthy!

It has taken me years to get that in my thick skull to understand and feel I am worthy. I am sure I have wrote about this before, at some point.

At times regretting it took so long to get here but on the other hand, a relief that I am finally here. I am ME. The Lord knew me before I was even born, He had plans for me and what I was to face in life, never leaving me but loving me, just as I am.

25C9C74C-4032-4844-912D-F00358AAFA33So many times, I looked to others for my worth waiting for a compliment or to know they cared in some, small way or the hugs I craved. When received, my hope and worth in life became alive and joyful. Somebody cares for me. Sadly, short lived. The memories of that moment of high feeling that may last for days, comes down to trying to conjure up the memory or that same, sweet feeling and hearing words said directly to me. While I can remember, it is not the same. Sadness overcomes my soul for I need another fix. Somebody please tell me you care for me, hug me please as my mind is screaming, pat my arm so I can feel that touch again and burn it in my memory, I am desperate for connection.

I would never share those thoughts or words with anyone, always knowing I was desiring and screaming on the inside. In hopes one day, I would be loved by somebody and find my worth.

Thankfully, I had a counselor that heard the cries within and speaking of them with her, I no longer had to carry them alone. The Lord truly knew my heartache and allowed her to intervene. To share them brought embarrassment and shame but brought healing each time.

0917CC9A-78AD-4BC9-9154-22ED5C8E3B30The cage I was in of desperately wanting love and worth of others can only come from the Lord.  Releasing others from their attention and love that I required and hungered for only comes in small doses but receiving at times sometimes unexpectedly is so much sweeter.

I know without a doubt that joy, my sense of love, feeling special and worthiness is all from the Lord.554B51EB-EC85-4756-89E0-6041796A6FB7

When I don’t feel and know that within, my attention has wavered to people, not God. I always knew that deep down, but I thought it was easier to get and receive from those I can see and touch.

His Love is forever and ever.  It is where my love is focused upon that determines the outcome.

84B218E9-EF43-482F-8AA2-4F67C645FC4C

 

My Little Girl Within

E8F21D4F-FF17-42A0-8746-882C77B74462Years ago, I started counseling mainly due to marriage issues and just at a loss, feeling crazy, feeling alone and no hope in life.  Stuck.

It was after we got through that part and I understood what is what, finding answers, setting boundaries and hope restored within me, did the counseling turn toward me individually.  No more marriage discussions, although we touched base off and on in areas of concern.

F4594D7D-7388-4DF6-9DB4-23817556ECF7Now, fearfully and not at all what I was expecting in counseling, it was all about me.  Realizing, with each counseling session, I had a choice to dig my heels in and grasp what is or high tail it out of there.

Depending upon the session, I have felt both ways and at times frustrated, angry, emotionally distraught and you name it but oftentimes, too, I was grateful for a counselor that was just as determined to see me healed from childhood issues and life experiences.

Still I am amazed how well this counselor picked up on things and understood me. Nobody ever did that with me and to explain why I do or did things, validate the confusion I felt all of these years.

If you have been reading my blogs, you realize how thankful I am for her in my life and God sent, just for me.

Adult problems are childhood issues, a phrase I have heard and understood, but not in depth as she helped me understand within my own life.

For most, I could comprehend and wiggle through to understand.  When the inner child and it is necessary to connect and re-parent the wounded child within, I could not grasp although I understood what she was trying to tell me.

056D71BF-7FB6-4A26-AECA-90626B38BA91Part of me felt it was crazy thinking how to do this and get to the point of making this work.  Honestly, I still have issues with this.

C51A7CD3-2255-404F-BC14-C9167C89F867Thankfully, I know to give myself grace and in time I will have my inner child trusting me and knowing that I love her unconditionally.

I don’t know what all happened to me as a child and if I am in total denial or blocking pieces out, but I do know that the Lord is healing me.   I have to trust Him in this journey and be patient and willing to be healed.

The other night, while driving through the Christmas lights, feeling the excitement and being in the moment, was probably a true connection I had with my inner child.  While that may not be of exciting news to you, I am still on cloud nine as they say because I felt like a child enjoying the lights.  I loved the sights, smells and the joy of Christmas as a child and all those memories flooded my soul last night.  Little me was present.  That was a gift to myself.  I’m slowly grasping this inner child stuff, which I need to do for healing in my life.

Perhaps you, too, need to connect to your inner child.  Maybe you have heard of this and thought it was crazy thinking.  Are you too wrapped in work and doing for others, even church work?  Stop, reflect and love the inner child within you.

As I mentioned early on with my counselor and the inner child stuff, I was lost and unknowing of such a thing.  There are a lot of books, Facebook group pages, research articles on Google, etc., available to read and gain knowledge and hopefully healing.   I hope that my story helps someone.

E8341B37-CCFA-485A-ADCB-2D30CC878CF6Growing up, I yearned for love and attention and sadly, I do as an adult.  With counseling, understanding why this caused such in my life, I am doing better.  I’m understanding that the little me needs me to love her and care and have fun, too.

I was worth the love and attention as a child that I did not receive.

27E63BA8-7E45-42D9-B8E1-215EE25E0D05

… Am I Special?

Numerous times through my life I get to this point of wondering, in a certain situations, plus I feel a panic within because I don’t feel special.  Those negative thoughts emerge of not feeling loved, etc.

Whether we are young or old, we all want to feel special and should make it a point of making others feel special.

fa8e3947-a071-4e73-a7f3-3c588c3d7ea9-495-00000017993225c5Knowing this is a childhood issue that seems to be on the verge of healing within me but still it just stops in a panic, as tears always begin rolling down my face.  I cannot get past this point.

Something caused this many, many years ago and here I am and it still stops me in my tracks.  What made me feel so bad back then?

All a little girl wants is to feel special and loved.  Apparently, at some point that died within me.  Existence became the norm.  I understand how to exist but love, there I am hesitant and question its validity.

The past few days, I have been reading a book, “Think This Not That” by Rita A. Schultz, LPC.   My counselor talked many times about the neurons that can be rewired within our brain so this was a book that I knew would be relevant and carry on her information.

I totally recommend this book.  Today though, I hit a section called Breaking Free.  This chapter dealt with shame, the meaning, what it is, how it affects us, etc.  At the Breaking Free section within the chapter on shame, it brought back a remembrance and I just broke.  Big, hot tears flowed.  I had to put the book down to take care of me and my emotional turmoil within. As I write this, the tears well up again and fall.

Shame causes much pain and heartache, not even knowing it.   I really was lost and unsure what shame was when I started with my counselor.  A wise woman, as my counselor, helped me to see so many things clearer and that of shame.  How did I get so old and not realize all those years, I have been dealing with shame-based lies and the torment is presents?  Thank God I had her in my life to help me.

Something happened but to pinpoint it today, is a mystery.   I do know the Lord is healing me and this is no mistake I am reading this book, too. Just a little deeper into the mire of shame that has been heaped upon my head as a child and carried through adulthood.

When the Breaking Free section I read, I remembered when my counselor and I talked last, before her leave of absence, she said to me and I wrote about it earlier, “I care for you and I love you.”54775180-765f-4786-b227-cee1e0ac83eb-495-0000001666283ad2

In my mind and like I have questioned others when they  have said such to me or similar and that is, “but… did you tell the others (clients, people, etc.) the same?   Knowing, if so, I can dismiss the heartfelt words as I am not special. Too good to be true!

Just that thought of questioning their care and love for me and the possibility it said or expressed to another/others, my heart sinks within.  I truly hate when that occurs within me, it’s like all hope is gone.

Please love me, make me feel like I am special to you.

Oh my heart wants to believe and know without a doubt that I am special, cared for and loved.

I do and I don’t and repeat, at times.

Funny, this book mentioned is basically about turning the thoughts around, as I was being taught and now reinforced.  Like, I am doubting of being special and loved.   To turn it around and rewire my brain, I must believe and tell myself that I know she (counselor, in this instance) does in fact care for me, how could she not love me and I know I am special to her.  This brings peace to my heart and soul. 7A858015-0E7E-434D-9386-A279EF302AFB

I like that and want to stay here.  Hoping that rewiring works!   So many times we have discussed such in counseling.  I do know she cares.  Seriously, how could she not love me after four years of sessions weekly or more.  I am special to her, as she is to me.

Knowing full well, she has to maintain her role as my counselor still while on leave.  There’s a boundary that must be maintained although I so miss her and our time talking.

Not just her, there is one that I also remembered today in the same situation.  Jan is a well-known figure in our area and she was like a mother figure to me, especially after my mother passed.  If it had not been for her, her hugs and all, my grief and dealing with other things in my life, my marriage dying also, I cannot imagine what I would have done.  Her care and love proved itself to me during those dark days of my life.

0E8E6586-CCB7-4F5E-9E2E-6CFDF560210EI do believe the Lord places people in our lives at the right time to get us through a path we are walking.  As for the counselor, I was not ready for that to end.  I felt abandoned.  Still dealing with that but to rewire my mind and know it was necessary of this leave for her, I know she still cares and probably wonders how I am doing.  I hope so, ant not forgotten.

With Jan, in her public role, she is thought of by so many and she loves everyone.  I had a hard time with that at certain points because I wanted to feel special to her.  How can she love them, she loves me.  The chaos that can bring in my mind was torment.  Again, somewhere in my childhood, this is left dangling and I was hurt.

Today, it is possible and I know that, to care for others.  It is just sorting this out.  Perhaps bringing me to the point of healing of a deep wound within.  I’m so open for that.

c7d7b775-af1a-45f4-aac1-4d4a08cac7c6-495-0000001cf5eb797bUnderstanding and seeing this pattern also, I have people that mean a lot to me, as I am well liked and I am very personable.  So I know it is possible.

It’s the WHY inside me that I need to feel special whether to my counselor or to Jan, just two as examples.  Why do I fall apart when I start questioning them?  Lord, show me!

Narrowing down, I want to know where the root is at and where and when it started and dig it out.  I desire healing of this hole in my heart and to be whole.

Most importantly, I know I AM SPECIAL TO GOD, that’s all that matters anyway. ❤️

bdbd6311-59d6-4fe3-b0d4-818df71008db-495-0000001cba0a8575

Mother, May I?

Here am I, another year older today, in fact.  I’m old.  Still my heart lingers to have and receive love that was never given to me.   While I now understand some of the dynamics of how and the whys, my yearning for a mother-daughter love will go to the grave with me.

Years of counseling, delving into my childhood issues, we hit on a lot of important issues and so many I never knew, just knowing through life, I was missing love, not fully understanding why.

Somebody, please love me!BE7B396F-90A4-4B9B-89B2-E493595655D0

Looking back, I do not remember as a child be snuggled or loved on.  Realizing I was the last child of seven and fully taking it as an oops baby, and after seven years from my sibling.  I knew and just accepted that life was busy with the others and just existed.  While I existed and took it all in stride, I was left reeling for much-needed love and attention.

I became very independent as a child and put in responsible positions, even at the age of six.  I was used for babysitting that early and on my own, for one or more children.  I would not even consider doing such for my boys, but they did me.  I got the job done, the babies and kids loved me, as I was a kid myself.  I was very dependable and loved the opportunity, while now knowing they used and basically abused me in that fashion.  No six year old, much less younger than twelve, should be placed in that position.

Scary enough, while bringing this up, I remember using a gas stove that had to start by a match, in order to heat up a bottle of milk.  I tried it but was so unsure of myself and probably one reason fire scares me to this day.  Thankfully, I was smart enough to run the bottle under hot water to do the same.  I could have blown us up and the building.  It didn’t help that I let this baby, another time, roll off the couch.  They trusted me.  Nuts!

Back to the other, still trying to understand when, where and why this all happened to me, I found I was drawn to other motherly figures.  Most that I was drawn to, I realized a pattern, they gave me attention, they talked to me, wanting to know me, I was able to sit next to them and that I did.  I could not get close enough, just let my arm touch yours was my secure attachment that flooded my heart with love.  I needed that closeness.

To this day, I still like that or the feeling of one to pat my arm or back as in, thata girl, or I am proud of you, you are special, I care.  If I felt a closeness to you, a motherly sense, you could probably hit me (just using this as an example) and I would be fine.  Why?  Because whether it be a pat on the back, your hand touching my arm, etc., I can burn that image and that feeling in my mind to pull up afterward whether it be soon after, days or years.  I needed that touch.  I needed to know you cared enough to do that.   Silly I know but my heart, my mind and my soul yearns for love.

D3A6883D-047C-477D-9EF4-C7B54A43C5FDWhat was it that caused disconnection between my mom and I?  I may never know.  While I know she was my mother, I was her daughter, I am in the family, there was something missing between us.

Years and years and still, although less nowadays, I clung to others in that role or similar.  Often in my mind trying to relay to another, hoping they would read my mind.  My mind screaming within, ‘Please Hug Me’ as my love bank was low. 08C8C495-E9E2-423E-9036-9AB60F1F26B4

The void of love given to me was lost somewhere and how sad that is of not knowing yet where.

Mother?  May I … receive your love, your hugs, your snuggles, your care, your attention, your hand to pat me of thata girl, to be interested in me, to encourage me, to brag on me, just hold me, to tell me how much you loved me over and over again?

Mom, while you were there within my reach, I just existed.  Why?

Today, I am understanding and also healing but most importantly, trusting the Lord.

I know without a doubt that He loves me, I feel His Love, He is with me at all times and that He will never leave me.  ❤️

 

 

Words Etched Within

Being one that never heard ‘I Love You’ ever in my life by my parents or family members, I find that I freeze when I do hear those words from others and especially someone that I look up to, usually in a motherly role to me. Whether it be shock or just trying to burn them in my mind so I never forget and hold onto, for when I need it.

I never could understand this whole scenario that I do until just the last several years. The abandonment and attachment issues I felt growing up left a big void within my life. I recognize that now thanks to my Counselor. While that little girl in me, attaches to motherly influences, and only a select few get that honor, but I can now stand back and figure out why it is happening.

Sometimes I just ponder what it would have been like in life to hear those words growing up. Perhaps I hear and appreciate the words more now and know the difference in true, heart-felt words spoken from another’s mouth that came from their heart. So many times I hear those words just thrown around, as in saying have a good day or see you later. I want the one-on-one, maybe with a hug or holding my hand and if on the telephone, a hesitation and those words spoken to me of I Love You. I want them to profoundly affect my heart and remain in my memory bank.  4fcdd5d3-8f9b-4942-81fd-1259c34d01a5-46610-000030d3db8f9d52

Those moments, I find that I write them down with a date in order to re-read them over and over in case I feel that they never were said. Did that really happen, were they really said or am I making it up pretending I heard ? If more recent, I find I repeat them often out loud in the moments I need reassurance, or just to remind myself that they were actually spoken…to me.

Being one of not receiving love spoken or shown in life but just knowing I was loved and cared for, because my goodness I am their child and/or a family member, it makes you grow up wondering and doubting what love really is and what it feels like.

Having two children, that is as close as I know what love is, as they are my life. Being married, I thought that was love until broken and hurt although I care, but it’s limited. A broken heart is hard to mend even though forgiveness comes and there is peace. The heart still aches with much hurt and reluctance to ever trust or love again. Leaving me with a doubt of love that emerges yet again, as a child and I just exist.

Recently, I had somebody say to me, and she was one that ended up in my select few, but said, ‘I care for you and I love you.’ I froze. Typical in the flight/fright/freeze mode that happens with childhood emotional neglect and abandonment issues also. In this instance and the quietness on the telephone afterward, I was questioning my hearing from this person’s words, which took me by surprise. I did not know whether to laugh or cry from shock. Totally not expected from her.

Those words, I wanted them etched in my brain to hold onto. Will my heart truly feel them or ever believe them? With her knowing me so well, she even asked if I would. As I repeat them over and over, even today, there is a shock within. I smile and at times I cry rehearsing those words spoken to me. Help me to believe and feel the care and love, Lord.

Even with the Lord, I know He loves me. I know He has His Hand upon me. The older I get, seeing how He has led and directed my path so far and has blessed me, how can I not believe He loves me. He is all I have sometimes, a lot of times. Still, I question His Love at times, too. I have to believe and know because I know He Loves Me. Faith.6e0d8cd0-2f1e-4d79-8aa8-34b217eb52c1-46610-000030d40413c920

So many people need to know that they are cared for, to be encouraged and to know they are loved. There is a lot of hurting people out there around us with masks on pretending all is well when behind the mask, they are falling apart. How do I know? I have worn that mask all my life.

Childhood emotional neglect and all the crazy, mixed up things that are tied with it can wreak havoc on the young and having lasting effects on the grown ups. They just want and need to feel sincere love.

1a6d7fac-f932-4003-b843-1c84b4b88be6-46610-000030d4f170702d

Left Untold

30472239-AD36-454C-911C-997CA05395EB

The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

8F8A4ACE-41E7-4C19-8074-B476F79FACB4