It’s Us

It’s Us!

Not You, it’s You and Not Me, it’s Me. It’s Us.

This may not make sense to anyone but me. I have come a far distance and it feels good and feels right. Time does make a difference. Healing within and understanding of oneself is liberating. Is my life perfect and have it all together? Not a chance.

It is knowing I am not where I once was and I am still evolving.

One day, which is the next step, I will see my former therapist of four years. Her leaving due to medical reasons and not formally telling me, I was at a loss, her office sign is down and is no more, in 2018. My world was rocked off its axis.

Dealing with abandonment prior to her leave, then experiencing full-blown abandonment, as a true, full-blown assignment, my heart was broken. Anger ripped my insides up while tears flowed on the outside. The question I repeatedly said, was one word, WHY?

Of course, it was medical but why not personally touch base. This ‘why’ screamed within me for years.

It has since silenced. It’s not that important anymore. How is that? I still don’t know the why. There’s a peace and I like it.

Time does in fact heal. Forgiveness of the other but also of oneself is freedom, no matter what situation.

All the negative feelings and thoughts have subsided and it is kind of shocking. How will I react when we do meet while shopping or in public I often wonder.

It would be nice to see her and hug her. I’m forever thankful for our times together years ago but I want this to be a coming together somehow on the same ground level as friends. Not her as my therapist or me as her client. That is no more. It’s Us. Funny, I think she would understand this of me, as she was good like that.

That’s the next step, our running into each other. I would like that.

Again, Time!

Digging in the Ditches

I do not want to dig! I said, I do not want to dig in the ditches. It is too much.

As I scanned over my many writings, just the titles stir my emotions. How can I even go there without losing myself in the memories and feelings of those exact moments when things happened in my life and of my broken heart? I do not really know how to move past except to move through those times and put words in front of me as I feel and remember to share that you, too, can make it. Maybe it is for me to remember and to know where I have come from and what I went through to be right here at this right time, sharing my story.

A coach I had recently expressed all this as ‘digging in the ditches’ and so true, as it is digging through some bad, muddy times where I felt stuck. Throw me a lifeline please, I would cry out so many times under my breath, in my mind. Do you all not see I am struggling? Sadly, those words were on my mind while sitting on the church pew many times. I was invisible, I felt.

So, this is a start of my digging and thought I would test the waters. Unsure if I can dig tonight, as I write, but this is a start. How’s that?

If I Could Sing

3C6D8BA3-C2EB-4123-95A5-15FACDDA33ECTonight, in between laundry and cleaning around the house, I noticed the movie, The Help, was on so it played in the background. I have seen this numerous times, I also have the CD and have played the song I mention over and over. I tend to do that until I get through a period that I am dealing with and to grasp the meaning, feel the pain and heal little by little.

818FE0D1-F58D-4B0C-851B-B4C07E33557FI finally stopped to finish watching the end of the movie, which brought me back to sitting in the movie theater watching this movie with my sister. Usually, the audience leaves when the words ‘The End’ show on the screen and go on their merry way, as we were doing so, too.

As we walked toward the exit in line with a room full of people, the lyrics of the song playing caught my attention and hit me deep within. I sat down and just cried through the song, as if the room was empty and this song was just for me. At that time in my life, it was.


Still, I cried tonight because I am living proof and each word of how this song resonates with me. If I were to ever sing a song of my testimony, this would be the one. To sing, to write, to tell where I was, where I am and knowing where I am going would be to give hope.

It has has been a long, long journey but in the midst of what I have gone through and the words in the lyrics, I am ready to carry on. Oh Lord, lead and direct me.

A91A6542-2595-4F12-AF26-8F9B56B2A5D9In case you are reading my blog and read through the lyrics and the words hit your heart and feel the pain as it did with me of many years, just know there is HOPE.  In my time of feeling totally alone and emotionally distraught, I knew deep down that the Lord knew my name and He knew where I was. I had to hold onto those words and say often. I am living proof that I made it through. You can, too!  Trust Him.

Read the lyrics, my testimony.

It’s gonna be a long long journey
It’s gonna be an uphill climb
It’s gonna be tough fight
It’s gonna be some lonely nights
But I am ready to carry on
I am so glad the worst is over (’cause almost took me out)
I can start living now
I feel like I can do anything
And finally I am not afraid to breathe

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can’t deny the truth
‘Cause I am the living proof
So many don’t survive
They just don’t make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

Oh yes I am

Thinking about life’s been painful
Yes it was
Took a lot to learn how to smile
So now I am gonna talk to my people,
About the storm, about the storm
Oh so glad the worst is over
I can start flying now
My best days are right in front of me
Yeah and I am almost there
‘Cause now I am free

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can’t deny the truth
‘Cause I’m the living proof
So many don’t survive
They just don’t make it through
But look at me
I am the living proof

I know where I am going
Hey ’cause I know where I’ve been
I am gonna feel strong that’s showing
I am gonna keep going
That’s the way that I will

Anything you say to me
And everything you do
You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof
So many those who fight
They just don’t make it through
But look at me hey yeah
I am the living proof

Nothing about my life has been easy
But nothing’s gonna keep me down
‘Cause I know a lot more today
Than I knew yesterday
So I am ready to carry on
Oh Lordie


Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Damon E Thomas / Mary Blige / Harvey Jr. / Thomas Newman
The Living Proof lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group   2011