Where Am I Going?

DF6F6EC3-C9F6-41FB-8722-F74D7C370EEFI’m unsure what lies ahead.  Truly, do any of us know?  Things in our daily life can change in an instant and our lives disrupted of the boring norm that exists.  I know at times life does get monotonous and joy seems so far away, as it happens.

Thankfully, I am not dealing with a loss in a death but it sure feels like it some days.  Perhaps, I am at this point because I had so much of an attachment to someone that in order to recognize and stop this process, God had to rip this person away.  How mean that it is of Him to do!  While I understand, it still does not help my coping at times.  He is a jealous God.

47100026-CA7B-427E-A2EC-25BCC24F7E2CWith that, we are not to be jealous of others but that scripture say He is.  Isn’t that contradiction?   Again, I understand that He Is because He Is and my faith in Him is of utmost importance but my mind has problems unraveling the idea of this jealousy.

All through my life, I have attached myself to others for their direction, wisdom and care.  A child with emotional neglect will undoubtedly reach out searching for such and rightfully so in order to feel loved and cared for.  Recognizing this now in my adult years, I do understand why I did it and still lean in that fashion. Childhood issues lurk long after childhood, causing adult issues and some all the way to the grave.

Losing yet another support person in my life is like the rug has been pulled out from under me.  I feel lost, lonely and grasping at air to hold on.  Sometimes screaming within and even aloud, ‘I need you.’

Along with childhood issues, trust in many was limited and still I let very few in my world. Acquaintances perhaps to enjoy laughter but not to know my heart, only a select few.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, as we need to be selective.

1DA59647-69F5-467D-9D25-64872142728CAs I faced a hurdle just recently, I don’t know what to do or where to go, what steps to take.  What I do know is to remain still and allow God to position my steps and my way.  This time in waiting is painful and lonely.  At times, I feel anger rise up.  All of these emotions are normal.  With Him, I scream within and aloud, ‘I need You.’

 

Words Etched Within

Being one that never heard ‘I Love You’ ever in my life by my parents or family members, I find that I freeze when I do hear those words from others and especially someone that I look up to, usually in a motherly role to me. Whether it be shock or just trying to burn them in my mind so I never forget and hold onto, for when I need it.

I never could understand this whole scenario that I do until just the last several years. The abandonment and attachment issues I felt growing up left a big void within my life. I recognize that now thanks to my Counselor. While that little girl in me, attaches to motherly influences, and only a select few get that honor, but I can now stand back and figure out why it is happening.

Sometimes I just ponder what it would have been like in life to hear those words growing up. Perhaps I hear and appreciate the words more now and know the difference in true, heart-felt words spoken from another’s mouth that came from their heart. So many times I hear those words just thrown around, as in saying have a good day or see you later. I want the one-on-one, maybe with a hug or holding my hand and if on the telephone, a hesitation and those words spoken to me of I Love You. I want them to profoundly affect my heart and remain in my memory bank.  4fcdd5d3-8f9b-4942-81fd-1259c34d01a5-46610-000030d3db8f9d52

Those moments, I find that I write them down with a date in order to re-read them over and over in case I feel that they never were said. Did that really happen, were they really said or am I making it up pretending I heard ? If more recent, I find I repeat them often out loud in the moments I need reassurance, or just to remind myself that they were actually spoken…to me.

Being one of not receiving love spoken or shown in life but just knowing I was loved and cared for, because my goodness I am their child and/or a family member, it makes you grow up wondering and doubting what love really is and what it feels like.

Having two children, that is as close as I know what love is, as they are my life. Being married, I thought that was love until broken and hurt although I care, but it’s limited. A broken heart is hard to mend even though forgiveness comes and there is peace. The heart still aches with much hurt and reluctance to ever trust or love again. Leaving me with a doubt of love that emerges yet again, as a child and I just exist.

Recently, I had somebody say to me, and she was one that ended up in my select few, but said, ‘I care for you and I love you.’ I froze. Typical in the flight/fright/freeze mode that happens with childhood emotional neglect and abandonment issues also. In this instance and the quietness on the telephone afterward, I was questioning my hearing from this person’s words, which took me by surprise. I did not know whether to laugh or cry from shock. Totally not expected from her.

Those words, I wanted them etched in my brain to hold onto. Will my heart truly feel them or ever believe them? With her knowing me so well, she even asked if I would. As I repeat them over and over, even today, there is a shock within. I smile and at times I cry rehearsing those words spoken to me. Help me to believe and feel the care and love, Lord.

Even with the Lord, I know He loves me. I know He has His Hand upon me. The older I get, seeing how He has led and directed my path so far and has blessed me, how can I not believe He loves me. He is all I have sometimes, a lot of times. Still, I question His Love at times, too. I have to believe and know because I know He Loves Me. Faith.6e0d8cd0-2f1e-4d79-8aa8-34b217eb52c1-46610-000030d40413c920

So many people need to know that they are cared for, to be encouraged and to know they are loved. There is a lot of hurting people out there around us with masks on pretending all is well when behind the mask, they are falling apart. How do I know? I have worn that mask all my life.

Childhood emotional neglect and all the crazy, mixed up things that are tied with it can wreak havoc on the young and having lasting effects on the grown ups. They just want and need to feel sincere love.

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Now What?

632BA1E3-A01A-44A2-9445-6602D14F413BWhat do I do?  Where do I go?

Today, after four years of weekly counseling visits, sometimes two, of course minus vacation weeks by my counselor or sickness of either one of us, has ended.  It has been long, hard, insightful and an investment that I would do all over again.

It was meant to be that I found her at the time in my life. I was going down and going fast.  The Lord directed my steps and used her to help me. Forever, I will be grateful.

Now, I am faced moreso after basically an exit telephone call due to some health issues for her.  I’m lost!  The abandonment and attachment that has been with me as a child, which has been a part of our client/counselor relationship, knowingly and us working through, but no more.  What do I do? 63C482A4-D2AB-4C58-87D0-441F1E36ED5E

The thought of starting and being encouraged from her to find another, I feel a dread within.  It’s exhausting to break in another counselor.  I don’t want to rehearse my past.  Is it possible to highlight but move forward in healing or will the new one want to know all the good, bad and the ugly to bring me back to where I am today?   Then, what if they leave?  Abandoned yet again.

Its crazy to know I need a new counselor to deal with my last counselor but the grieving process is overwhelming at times.  While some may not understand, realize that this woman has been a part of my life for four years.  We both invested in one another.  Things we have discussed, only God knows besides her.  That’s huge!

I felt closer to her than my own siblings. While they love me, they don’t know me. Never did.  I truly have been blessed but now I walk blindly trying to know what to do. Lord, put another Christian Counselor, as you did before, in my path so I can continue on my journey and heal from the hurts within.

My heart will forever be thankful but for the time being, it hurts. 735B543F-5162-4B9A-8619-1C1B439882F5

 

Tears Behind the Mask

Today, wanting to drop to the floor and cry like a baby at times, I must endure and put on a smile and deal with work, people and just life itself. Coming back from lunch, I sat in the car to get myself together and basically adjust my mask, it is just part of my routine in life.

So many times, my counselor mentioned the mask that I have worn for years, which puts a barrier up between me and my vulnerability with others to be lacking. Perhaps I just don’t get it. If I took off my mask all the times I hid the tears and wailing I feel within, I can only imagine what others may think. Lock her up, she is losing it. If they only knew, I really was and am. Today is no different. The waves of emotions I feel are overwhelming at times. I am just trying to keep it together.

Finding this pic and quote today, is so true. Nobody at my church for years knew I was hurting and dying inside from depression. Discernment is a rare commodity. When others mentioned after I did drop the mask and share, so many said that they never knew and that I was a good actress. Apparently, I was!

Actually, there are some that I do not want to be vulnerable with and share my true self with. That is an honor to get to know me, not that I am anyone special but I believe we we have a say and we all have a part that we want to share with others. Make sense? I feel I have come a long way with this mask thing but there is a time and a place to let your guard (mask) down and to wear it.

As I fight back the tears, my breathing halts from the outburst I have felt so many times. No telling how many brain cells have died from just this habit I exhibit that nobody sees or feels. They would not want to feel the pain I have within.

Don’t we all have pain though? To some extent, we are all going through something and that is why we need to show mercy and grace to one another. We do not know what one another is going through. Do we?

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Tears Overtake Me

4C2B3ECF-B61E-4592-B245-D5D66989A2FEI have strength to get through this hurdle that is before me and the next moment tears are rolling down my face in sadness.  My life has been turned around yet again.  Loss after loss.

54C87143-A31A-4BC1-9280-F46EE037CCD0Not necessarialy in death, as that is another whole grief that presents itself.  Still, it’s grief.

I have many friends and acquaintances but my true, deep friends live a million miles away, in seems.  These are those that I have entrusted my personal life into and they into me.

One had moved several years ago to Arizona and we keep in contact quite regularly by text, almost daily.  So in essence, I can make believe she is still near until the loneliness of our face-to-face togetherness is not possible. to meet up.

My other dear friend, that I met in Sunday School many years ago lived about an hour away and we would get together almost monthly to shop and eat.  For some reason, her and her husband thought it would be a good idea to move closer to their son and the hospital where  he was having Cancer treatment.  Did they ask me?  Certainly not.  How dare them.  I joked through this with them but I took it hard.

The time came and the going-away party happened, moving trucks hauled their possessions several states away and I am left.  While I was happy, and sad, for them, I did not realize how much this affected me until weeks and months later.  I am like an alone, lost puppy dog.

While adjusting to what it is, we have managed to pull the texts together moreso and it helps.  The moving and settling in has eased and now there is time for me.  It’s all  about me, right?

Of course, I have other people in my life, it’s just not them,  the connection and closeness.

Getting over all that and feeling a sense of order once again, I get hit with a harder blow this week.  My wonderful counselor is taking an immediate leave of absense.  Now what do I do?

I get a grip and then I lose the grip and tears fall like Niagara Falls.   Lost at sea and feeling the turbulent waters all around me.

Bringing it back into reasoning, I know she has invested in me and my life, so much.  While I know that and comprehend all the wisdom, knowledge, advice and care, my mind explodes thinking we are not done.  I need to know this, that or another.  OMG!

There was stability and routine, as I met weekly or at times twice a week with her.  Again, I feel alone and lost. Deep down, I know there is a plan but fear is always lurking around to discourage my very being.

Thankfully, I know when the tears fall and my mind goes haywire over my loss(es), showing me the pit of despair I feel, The Lord is always there.  I will get there but it seems it takes forever.  No matter what, He will never leave me nor forsake me.  Remind me Lord!

I am blessed to have two Godly friends, one in the East and one in the West.  To have a woman of God as my Christian Counselor for years, I have been truly blessed.

Today, taking a break from finishing this and going to church, the message was on point.  Goodness and Mercy go before me.  His Mercy will hold me through this emotional pain, only if I allow Him and remove my pride to control and remain in this and trust Him.  He is there for me.  I must depend upon Him.  Only through Him can I get through, not my counselor, although she is awesome and very dear to me; not even my friends or any other.  He is the One.  Again, remind me over and over.

On my drive home, thinking of my circumstances, what I just heard from my Pastor, years of wisdom in my counseling sessions, I feel I am again dealing with abandonment.  Realizing that, I am just glad I know what it is, where before when I was left or felt alone, I did not.  My counselor invested a lot of time and her wisdom into me, now to use and practice solo.

So as this hits and usually hits hard and the tears flow, I notice what I am telling myself, what emotions, how it affects my body in my breathing and my body posture and bodily sensations and get a handle on it instead of freezing in a fear/panic state.

To freeze in a fear state, I have done that all my life and it comes so natural.  Knowing she did not leave on purpose or because of me but due to health issues.  Realizing all of this, it is like a mama bird pushing her baby bird out of the nest.  Don’t like it.  Don’t like it one bit but here I am, it’s time to fly.

Lord, remind me over and over again that YOU will NEVER leave me.

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Coffee First!

5423BE40-FAFA-4BFC-9825-475A6700B5D0 Shhhhh….

Don’t talk to me this morning, I’m not ready yet.  To deal with your humming or your morning voice.

Just let me be and pour my coffee to drink in solitude so I can get my act together without yours in my way.

No promises about later, I may need another cup.  Thank goodness, I don’t drink anything stronger than this.

Years of unhappiness as we are strangers under one roof, other wives would run screaming, but here we are.  E27C49BF-C9D9-41F7-BAB4-35721D8C12D4

Another day, another year, I wonder how much coffee I have had to drink.

Pour me another cup of Joe!

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Dead Inside

BC47EB14-85EA-40AD-A782-2028ACC311B7Once again my heart feels broken. Why, oh why do I let myself care and feel for others to know that this again will happen?  I expect way too much for someone else to care for me as much as I care for them.

Each time my heart breaks off another chunk to where there will be no more to give.  The pain brings sadness to the point of not caring anymore, to become dead inside, once more.

It won’t last forever, as I will be here again, I have a big heart although damaged beyond repair.  Thankfully, I know the One who helps me when I feel I cannot take no more.

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