Do You Not Want Me?

738E4583-E50B-4988-A04E-909FB123E8FDI find that childhood issues can wreck havoc even in a grown adult, me. I have heard that many times. Or the phrase, adult problems are childhood issues. Still, understanding after many years of counseling of childhood issues and childhood emotional neglect, just to name a couple. Well how about rejection and abandonment, too. I still get triggered and a panic felt within as I want to just cry, but I freeze. I recognize this more so because my voice gets lower and somewhat shaky when trying to remain calm so the one I am talking to will not notice, but inside I am falling apart.

Last week, due to the pandemic, I had a telephone appointment with a nurse practitioner, which I actually like and may prefer this type of appointments. It was when she wanted to refer me back to a Endocrinologist, as she has been treating me, I thought we were doing just fine. While I understood, I was feeling as if she did not want me anymore and with that suggestion, feeling the effects of rejection and abandonment yet again in my old age. It’s like a, ‘What the Heck‘ response.  It took me a bit to get over, as I went down the rabbit trail of which it brings forth within me. I even asked her because I knew how it was affecting me in this call, Do you not want me anymore? Of course, she does but perhaps a specialist might need to step in as my blood work is off since a thyroidectomy years ago.

Anyway, with that and then thinking back of my former counselor leaving for medical reasons, I took that upon myself for a bit as it was my fault or that I did not help matters with my issues dumped on her. Wondering if I gave her burnout. I do realize that is not so and plus she C4CB3662-42B3-44FC-8A00-1332E51F44EBneeded to take care of herself if that was the case. The whole ordeal with her leave was horrendous for me, I felt totally abandoned while we were actively discussing abandonment, so I saw this in a whole new light and degree. I have written many blogs of my time with her and now of no longer her client due to closing her office. In this scenario, feeling she did not want me anymore.

I was thrown out to the wolves. I mentioned to her when walking me to the door actually in my last, unknowingly last appointment, just that. Requesting she not walk me to the door, throwing me out to the wolves with a quick kick on my backside of get out. I know that was not truth but the enemy within my mind wanted me to think so in order to keep me down, feeling unworthy and good for nothing. I hate the feeling of not being wanted, unliked, unloved or just rejected.

To pinpoint exactly when this made a profound mark on my life of feeling not wanted, I doubt I will ever know 39AFFF5D-9BB7-4231-8C29-93E26FD831F0unless it was my actual birth. I was an oops baby, I know that. Seven years my mom thought she was done having children and then I appeared. It makes one feel all warm and fuzzy inside (sarcastic tone). Perhaps that was it or later, but I can tell you how often I felt this way, which was all of my life. The lingering effects can also bring shame, feeling unlovable and asking myself what is wrong with me.CF2F536E-FCC4-4280-ACC6-BA72DC0F9586

Had it not been for my time in counseling to understand such matters, I would not be writing this. Many aha moments came in those four years of understanding me, finally.

I have learned also, in this instance or others, that if I experience these thoughts and feelings, others do, too. Many times as we go through such we feel alone, as nobody would understand or would want to take time to listen and care. I am not alone. There are many that could say, “Me, too!”

Do you not want me? This has played out enough in my life that I hate feeling all the entangled emotions. It feels as if my heart drops in despair.

Whether it be my own family, friends, co-worker, counselor, Doctor, etc., even if they do not want me, I have to know and remember the One who does want me.

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The Lord loves me. He wants only the best for me. He is my ALL those listed in One, to me. His love is all I need to be concerned about and when I make myself stop and remember just that, there is peace and love from Him to lift my spirits up and be happy.

14A2C3A3-8000-49E8-9386-F37B464AD691So whether it is me or if you can relate and question if loved and wanted, just stop and realize and acknowledge that you are loved and you are wanted.

As those that believe and trust in the Lord, that He helps us and will lead us through life, but knowing there are those that don’t, and no doubt He has the same question, “Do You Not Want Me?”

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Abandonment fear often stems from childhood loss. This loss could be related to a traumatic event, such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. It can also come from not getting enough physical or emotional care. These early childhood experiences can lead to a fear of being abandoned by others later in life. 

https://joycemeyer.org/everydayanswers/ea-teachings/do-you-feel-rejected

https://livewellwithsharonmartin.com/healing-psychological-effects-of-abandonment/

A Trinket or Two

As I was driving to work, I was thinking about gifts. Gifts that I have received and those that I have given. I enjoy giving gifts, especially on just an ordinary day, no birthday or of any significance. It’s a surprise. We all love surprises, as such. Now if you jump out at me and scare me, that is one surprise I do not like.

I like to watch and listen, and if I know of a need or something that catches my eye and I know of someone that would like or benefit from, I will go on a search to find just that and give.4DC36189-F3D2-482C-B2CF-C633A90BE153

I wish I could do so much more of this, but I do when I can. I daydream of such at times of what I would like to do, which is fun to escape mentally the issues in front of me, as a break.

So as I was thinking of the gifts, giving and receiving, I pondered why I do such and enjoy both. I have always done this. Perhaps a coping mechanism although my mother was very giving. It’s not a bad trait, if you are making another happy. It was when I was asked by my counselor years ago why I was giving her a gift. Asking also what I would do and feel if she rejected the gift. It got me to thinking, I still do, I guess this is why I am writing.

Last question first. If the gift was not accepted, I would understand but I would be sad, depending on what it was, and dwell on it for a bit.  When giving a gift, again it is something I thought would look nice and this gift in particular would match her sofa and bright wall color. It was just a sofa pillow. I was in her office weekly and this pillow pulled all the colors together. Just that, the matching and 0578A2D3-E6B7-4E4F-962B-18DB693674D0accent pillow brought me a peace, like comfort at home.

A little knick-knack that means something between a friend or family member, is also nice. To me that is what you do, or that is what I do. I want nothing in return. Just as with my counselor, a pillow that looked awesome on her new office sofa. Also, I enjoy searching for just the right thing, color, etc., to give to whomever.

In this session though of asking me why I do such and besides my input just written, she asked me this question. Do I buys gifts as such so I would not be forgotten. Good question, Counselor. As I gave thought to this, I know I enjoy giving but she was right, there have been many times for that exact reason, I did not want to be forgotten. Just for instance with the gift of this pillow and since she closed her private practice office, I do wonder if she still has it and maybe still thinks of me or will I one day see it in a bin at the Goodwill store.

So in regard to this pillow, although I could mention other gifts given through the years. I still think of the time spent to find just the right pillow, thinking of her, as it was fun and I don’t want to forget her. It’s two-fold, thinking of you, thinking of me. I don’t want to be forgotten. Am I img_4669though? As it is just a pillow. I may never know.

I have had gifts through the years given to me and I still have many of them, especially the knick-knack items I can pack away to keep safe. One is a ceramic little girl about four inches tall, given to me by my Aunt when I was around six years old. Packed away in safe keeping, even with dust showing. Embarrassing but hey, it’s old, but I’m old. Still, she is safely tucked away but I remember my Aunt giving this to me and how it made me feel, that I was special to her.C62BD70F-ADE2-4F3B-8E56-DB7FB03D571E

I still have my Ten Commandments little gold bracelet and cross from a necklace my grandmother gave me, I was young also. So many things like that hold so many memories for me. Just that today holding and looking at them, I have no doubt my grandmother prayed for me. My autograph book that young elementary girls had 3D64B633-B17D-41A5-9117-F1F43D1C33C5to have and for many to sign. I have it still, of course, safely packed away with my other treasures from youth. Many wrote in my book but because my fifth grade teacher signed it, I wrote about her, too, but to say I was special to her, made that book like gold to me (The Light is On). I cannot get rid of that. Maybe I have just been a sentimental old soul all these years.

I know when I die, a lot of my stuff will end up on the Goodwill shelves, too, or pitched. My boys, well they are boys, and my daughter-in-law will roll her eyes and hold open the trash bag. For now though, these little things and some bigger things mean a lot to me, even if packed away. I still have them. The sweet memories of just writing about them makes me tear up because of the one(s) who gave it. The item itself is just that, but I must have meant something to the person giving me a gift, perhaps so I would not forget them.

I did not realize until counseling with her asking me those questions plus being so sentimental, that is just me. I like that part of me. I don’t take our relationship as a friend or family member for granted. Somewhere in there, my heart was touched and felt care and love, which I yearned for as a child and still as an adult.

I am one that dealt with abandonment issues and fear. Even as much as four to five years ago, as an old lady that I am, this counselor helped me understand ‘me’ more. In my own research, outside of counseling, I learned about transitional items. The reason why items (gifts) are special to me. Holding onto an item is to keep a person near basically, in my terms of understanding. All of those items I have from childhood, these people are still with me. I have a part of them to see and hold, while they remain in my heart of deep felt love and appreciation. While some are deceased, it is also the same, as I have not forgotten them.

6ED80AC5-761B-42CC-B7FD-F11679E6D5A7I remember this one counseling session, right before she was to leave for a two-week vacation. I hated her vacations although I understood she needed time away like we all do. Still, I was a mess due to the abandonment issues in my life.  Two weeks felt like two years. It was this one session, I was aware now of a transitional item, a thing to help such individuals, as myself, adapt through a separation period. It for one is embarrassing, to realize and admit this is an issue when an adult but we worked through it. I had to but I did not like it. I remember saying to her, as I am sitting on the sofa, next to the pretty pillow, as she is in her chair taking notes, but before I left, I told her that I wanted her ink pen and explained why. The pen was held by her hand, writing notes about me while she is listening to me. I wanted that pen. Maybe a quick note was jotted down at that point… crazy.

Just in that, I was her only focus but I was going to lose her for those two weeks (14 days). That pen would have not left my sight or would have been in my pocket those two weeks. I would have given it back to her. Sadly, she did not give me that pen to hold and carry. I survived but I never forgot that moment in the session. It all makes sense to me now why I have done things in life, as such, even having a picture. This has been a part of me all my life, unsure when abandonment started but I now have a clearer picture of the questions behind it. 7B86F61B-2DD4-41EB-905D-7347E4E051B0

Whether it is an tangible item to keep a memory alive or just the memories, each and every person that comes into our lives is a gift, and we should be the same in return.

Most importantly, God’s love for us is a gift. He understands us when we don’t understand ourselves. He loves us unconditionally.

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Are You a People Pleaser?

“If you are a People Pleaser your heart is in the right place. Wanting to take care of others is not a bad thing and if more people had a little bit of what you have, the world would be a better place. However, you cannot do this at the expense of yourself. A balance is needed.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shrink/201210/are-you-people-pleaser

The song that goes like this, “If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right” comes to mind as I write, as I would say, “If gift giving and doing for others is wrong, I don’t want to be right.” I know, silly but true.

No doubt I was noted as a people pleaser, co-defendant, etc.,  or other labels in the counselor’s notes, as I remember questions asked, etc. So what! This is one part of me that I like. Giving did not put me into bankruptcy but gave my heart joy to give and bring joy to another. When I die, I would hope many would say I was caring and generous than mean and stingy.

Characteristics of Generous People That Set Them Apart
  1. Generous people care. People that give truly and freely do so because they care. …
  2. Generous people have no expectations. …
  3. Generous people are optimistic. …
  4. Generous people have humility. …
  5. Generous people are patient. …
  6. Generous people have purpose. …
  7. Generous people are energetic. …
  8. Generous people are leaders.

 

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