Timeline & Tears

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Many years ago, well back in 2014-15 actually, which seems like forever ago, my counselor then had me do a timeline of my age, as early as I could remember. Strangely enough, I do remember a lot, even as far back of holding a cold glass baby bottle of milk in my hands. Why would they give toddlers glass baby bottles? Yes I am old and thankfully we have come a long way. Still today, if I do drink really cold milk in a glass, it takes me back to that time. Perhaps it was hot and the coldness was refreshing for me as a very young little girl.

Memories can pop up in the feel as a cold glass of milk, a smell of a perfume or the aroma of a cigarette reminding me of a Dutch Masters cigar, my dad would smoke, just out of the blue, perhaps a sound of a old song often heard growing up or just feeling the breeze blowing and going back in time. CBE0E364-DFC8-49B1-81A1-F4D23822BC5DIt’s fun and nice as well as relaxing, like a mini vacation by taking in that moment of time.

Of course, there are always those other times and memories that we would rather forget.

In the good and even the bad, it brought us to where we are today.

So with the timeline she had me do, I started another recently, as I need some further clarification of my past. Connecting the dots, as they say.

4682BC64-8BD3-4E45-AE94-CB93BB6CF8FECrazy enough, I have kept a lot of my planners and journals throughout my life. I always felt I needed to. Perhaps this is the time, for that very reason. It sounds like I am a hoarder but I am not, as I do not like clutter. I do know how to organize though and how to make space more efficient.

As I go through my papers and now file by year, breaking down my path, it has made those memories of certain years bring up emotions within me. The other day, it was anger. Today, grief was at an all-time high. I know all of this would not be a surprise to my former counselor, but we just did not get to this place and time together.

I try not to read my notes too much but just the dates in order to file for the timeline. Sometimes I do read a bit here and there and it takes me down a rabbit hole of despair and depression. I can’t go there yet. Today, just the dates in my planners brought up memories, as if they were yesterday. I really don’t know how I handled everything in 1995, mind-67F5D09A-01AC-4292-B95C-7CDF3B20E473boggling. There is a purpose in this madness but this is only a step forward, as I know timing is everything.

Spending a little bit of time here and there going through my years of memories written down, I am not constantly putting myself through torment. I can walk away for a day or so to process what I did read. I need a break, more than a few days, after today. It’s okay!

At times though, just in the brief time already, it felt like I was digging in the trenches and the mud is covering me and keeping me stuck. Although, I feel the sun shining upon me also, giving me joy and hope. A mix of it all but moving forward with answers and hopefully healing within.7DC359AF-581A-44CD-B515-154169919735

There is a purpose and a plan with it all, always has been, and it will by the Grace of God, come into fruition. Through it all, He knew my name and He always knew where I was. That was my hope then, now and the tomorrows before me. In the end, the Lord will get the glory of what He has done and is doing in my life.

 

While this is my timeline, you have one, too! He has a plan and a purpose for each of us. We my detour but even with that, He will get us to where we are to be.

If God places a desire in your heart then it’s a part of his plan, which means he has plans for it. … He will give you his plans to accomplish the desire that he has placed in your heart.

Just a Note…

1167DA89-82C3-4C47-8C7C-80DA147E68AFAs I was getting ready for work on Friday morning, I heard the text tone I set for my son come through on my phone, which startled me. This child of mine, is not a morning person. Of course, I read the gif shown (Just sending u a note to say… I love you), and was so pleasantly surprised. I was happy, and it was a great start to my day.

I try to give each of my sons their space, as they need to figure life out plus they are adults. Mom is not as important anymore ED28A2B2-ACBD-4103-AB84-85FFDDDA0704although I know they love me and they know that I would drop whatever I was doing and be with them, if needed.

Knowing this past week, I was starting to really miss them and honestly felt forgotten, not needed, etc. You know, those pity-party mom moments. So to receive his text was needed more than he will ever know, even though I did respond back to him of my appreciation and love.

FDFD5631-C851-4D40-A5F0-B4C497F5B7F3In our daily lives, we all need encouragement if even from a stranger in a smile. It may be the only smile we get. Or even a touch, or a pat on the arm in a conversation. It might be the only 00B3A9AB-DBFF-4201-BED2-095ADE8BB212touch we get. Never to forget, we can and are to do the same. A smile costs nothing but can mean more than money, it brings hope that someone cared enough to do just that small act of kindness.

In a recent situation, I had hoped to get just an ‘I’m proud of you’ from one, which would have meant the world to 97D79571-BEB5-45BC-BD6B-159F6E617FD4me, to read and re-read those words written back in response to an email. Nothing. I was so disappointed and sad as I sometimes let the negative thoughts roll in my mind. I know not to dwell there but I do at times. Thoughts of I guess they really don’t care, I am forgotten, etc. Again, a pity-party moment or two. It’s okay and we all do it but just don’t stay there. Just be proud of yourself! 039DA355-F6B7-42F6-B4CE-BCFFEF17A4E3

Have you ever had somebody comment on a pretty top or some type of clothing you were wearing?  Sure you have. Perhaps I am one to think too much in those instances. Yes, my top is pretty but thinking do I look nice with it on. Take it a step further and being truthful by just saying 0D91556A-9B2C-41B0-A1A1-DB9014E5FEF2you look nice today’ instead of just complimenting the piece of clothing. It changes the whole outlook. Instead of leaving the one questioning do I look nice or not, it might be the only compliment they receive or have received. Watch how they beam and their shoulders are more upright, as you just made that person’s day. Pay attention to yourself when told the same, you look nice today.9D667C71-199B-40B7-A017-029E7EC99EAB

With this compliment, some will be shocked and not know what to say. Yes, they should say, thank you, but they were caught off guard, not expecting or have not received many compliments. Don’t take offense, if not thanked, just let the one receive and enjoy your kind words. I have had this said at times and then the one saying I looked nice, then say to me, ‘say ‘thank you.’ While I understand the politeness of saying thank you, it tends to cancel out the you look nice compliment, as now you are correcting me and I am now stuck on that instead of how nice I thought I looked. Make sense?  Perhaps just me overthinking. In time though, as confidence builds in oneself, the words ‘Thank You’ will follow. Be patient with them or yourself.

Words play a strong influence in our life, which can lift you up or tear you down.6718D30F-89EB-4F1C-B4A6-D5F5192598B4

The text from my son of the gif remind me that he thought enough of me to send and that it said I Love You, will never be deleted. I needed that from him.

Just a note… to another, kind and encouraging words, a smile or a touch brings hope. We all need hope.

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https://biblereasons.com/kindness/

Listen to Me, Please!

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In one of my favorite Hallmark movies, which is called “Stranded in Paradise,” as the mother and daughter are meeting for A6899343-904E-40DA-B218-2D23BE82AFDFlunch, the mother rants on about how she raised both of her children and working three jobs.

As the daughter endures this yet again, just like a broken record. The daughter had just been fired from her job. There was no use to even talk because the mom would cut her off and did, not listening or picking up on the chaos felt within her daughter. So she squints her eyes and gives a fake smile, thinking just stop and don’t even waste my breath, as her mother was not going to listen or even be positive enough to truly hear.

6F01D4F5-76B5-47CA-99E2-0B7AB9B90657While I watch the squinting eyes and fake smile, as I understand her. In my own life, I just give up, as it is not worth it to offer or make a comment most times, clarify a matter that may pertain to me, give my point of view or just make conversation. Just be quiet, observe and listen, which has been my place in life, childhood through adulthood. I do try to interject at times and actually if I am listened to, I feel shocked and I feel anxiety build within me.  I do better with one-on-one conversations. Sometimes even in that scenario, the same.

I find that when I think or even say whatever or never mind, I am done, I am totally frustrated and will not waste my FEA74E7A-5B29-4FD0-8BF2-5FAF742370ECtime. I was just shown that I am of no importance or what I have to say is the same. While it hurts, I move on.

Usually, I will walk or drive away telling the Lord just how that made me feel. Reminding myself that I am not important and it brings feelings of rejection. It happens.

Thankfully, I don’t let it get me down as much as before but it does trigger that automatic, negative thought process. I recognize and can turn it around and move through the thoughts and feelings. I speak up definitely more than I use to, too. Counseling has paid off.

At other times, I am really infuriated when I am finally getting a chance to talk to someone face to face but interrupted by a third-party and they take over. Hello!? C272967B-018B-41D0-B021-3084764BAB84This happens all the time. This, too brings and reinforces the thought of that I am not important, I am a nobody to either party so I just walk away, hurt. Yes, I tell the Lord about that also. What gives? Am I really nobody, not important?

If I need to speak with someone and they are talking to another, I try my best to back away and wait my turn to talk out of respect for both but often not reciprocated, or I try again later.

When you interrupt someone it says to the person talking that what you have to say is more important than what they are sharing. It shows disregard for the person and what they are saying.”

Am I faultless in this matter, oh no because I have spoken when I should have remained quiet and/or respectful. I catch myself and usually kick myself afterward, going back into a hole of despondency once again. While hating to be in that position, sometimes I feel it is best to remain quiet and just listen. The balance of listening and talking.

The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~Ralph Nichols

Writing this, I have been watching a situation play out for weeks now at my church. My Pastor is walking in my direction, while I am at the Welcome Desk closing up before church service, and he is already speaking to me but this one woman greeter always changes his path in order to have his full attention. The first time, I was 865454E3-6D8E-4325-B498-9FC85A38EC00disappointed, as I would have liked to talk to him, as he was already talking to me. This past weekend, the same, she grabs his arm this time to redirect. I see it happen but now I expect this in and from her. Little does she know, I already have her number from a couple of situations I dealt with years ago, by her. There is an issue but not worth my time, but I can pray for eyes to be open. Sadly, the games people play, even in church. Patiently, I wait, as I have done through the years.

The other day, I was reminded and screaming within, wanting to just leave the dental chair as I tried to explain6B981F3E-3FFA-44B9-ACFC-29EDD12B8331 a couple of issues after my dental surgery, which prompted this writing, as I did not feel listened to. Normally, I am fine with dental or medical procedures. It is hard to talk though when the dentist keeps trying to get his fingers in my mouth. 5E41D691-CAC9-4B5F-A892-DED12B100248Just stop and listen to me, please!

The day I had my dental surgery, he did not believe me when I told him that something was not right with the crown next to the one he was working with, well I was right, to his surprise. Too much pressure from the extraction and the seal broke and now dealing with not just one tooth but two. Once the numbing wore off and days ahead, I was also concerned of even the next tooth due to extreme tenderness, which had my fear of a domino effect. I ain’t got time for this! I felt he was not listening  to me. I went into this appointment knowing I would have his limited time for this post-op visit and my anxiety was high due to pain and if another crown would be jeopardized from the pressure felt.

I think I know enough of dental procedures from experience and end result, it is my mouth and I am the one paying. I think he knew I was over this whole post-op visit and past week. Perhaps even now doubting him now from years of care and honestly, I was.

Please listen to me!

Talking and being misunderstood, always makes me feel stupid. Does it to you? When talking or telling something and being dismissed brings frustration. I have just learned to accept this way of life in myself and in others through the years. Still, I can desire to be heard. We all want to be heard and listened to.Listen to me. Lettering phrase on light background. Design element for poster, card, banner.

I go to counseling and I talk, sometimes ramble but he or she listens, asks questions and seems  interested in me and cares. Plus, to be heard, understood and to understand myself, brings healing. I have learned, too, that I do have a voice, which I lost years ago.

I find it somewhat funny to watch facial expressions, as so many are used to me being quiet. I think they are surprised when I do speak forth. It might be short and sweet or to the point, but I do say something.

Many times through the years in my office, calls or people will come in wanting to talk to me. My co-workers often comment that when this happens, I am requested, although they, too, could answer the questions, etc. I take time and I listen to them, not just re-directing them to another office., etc., which is what makes a difference.

As I have pondered all this, of the please listen to me, I am sure the Lord thinks the same with me or each of us. He wants only the best for us but we often ignore or don’t listen to Him. Still, He does not give up on us, He will keep calling and knocking until we listen. We can run but we can’t hide, as the old saying goes. D654C601-2440-45A1-BF99-8C28B812EC2C

So for Him to give me grace when I have failed and ignored Him and did not listen, I can give grace to those that did not listen to me or take time for me.

In the end, I know He will never leave nor forsake me and He hears me. I don’t have to beg or pay Him to listen to me. Same for you. Trust Him!

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I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The Bible has many references throughout of hearing and listening. I never realized how much until I started writing. Perhaps He is wanting me to listen to Him and I need to hear Him.

https://www.openbible.info/topics/quick_to_listen_and_slow_to_speak

https://dailyverses.net/listening/kjv