Digging Deeper

There are things in life that you may know what you want to do, from education, employment, marriage, family, etc., but also personal desires such as painting, yoga, teach a class or whatever and possibly even writing a book, which is where I am.

All through my life, even from a young girl, I made notes, kept copies of letters I sent out, always writing down book titles along with the name of the book, to jog my memory of a place and time. I did this for the reason that I might need them one day. Now why would I do that without a purpose? I have often wondered if the Lord was preparing me then for now.

Many times my notes and journals through the years kept my sanity, as I questioned myself, did this really happen. As I spoke to my counselor of various situations, I could refer back and read my writings, almost to the point of feeling very emotional, the anger to rise up and wonder how I survived those years. This was my life.

Questioning myself as I write my blog with thoughts of who would want to read my writings. I have tried different ways to write and grow in this area through the years to where I am today, writing here. Just me and sharing a part of me that majority of my friends and family do not even know. Blogs are usually short and limited information but in each one, they are a piece of a puzzle to me and for me to possibly connect with others of same or similar instances, thoughts and feelings.

Last year I made a weekend trip to my hideaway up North. Just me. I needed to make some decisions plus get out of the four walls where I feel stuck.  Unbeknownst to me, a Christian writing conference was advertised on Facebook. No mistake, I was to see this. I signed up, paid and spent many hours over the few days, taking notes and learning how to start, consider, piece all my notes together, etc. A private workshop for me.

I am one that needs organization to get my thoughts together and that is okay. Recently, I ordered a plastic storage bin for colored hanging files to departmentalize everything. The colored files were for me, the colors are pretty. I was all excited to have these items arrive so I could start immediately. Why hadn’t I thought of this early on?

Now I had everything to get started but I could not do anymore than place my colorful hanging files in the clear, plastic storage bin to admire. I have a tendency to procrastinate with one excuse after another, and I did so. The desire was there but there was a dread of digging through all of the notes and memories. Fear of going back through some dark days with depression lurking and eager to choke life out me yet again. I knew this digging would cause some emotions within me that I would rather keep stuffed down, as my former counselor would say that I did. True. I knew I would have all sorts of emotions come up but it was the anger within that scared me.

Just as in a session several weeks ago, my present counselor and I discussed a situation I faced twenty years ago maybe. I have mentioned this before in a session with my former counselor but this time, it affected me. I could not stop the tears and I had anger for days, with my husband the father of our boys, which did in fact scare me. I avoided any and all situations with him, as I was angry. This was something I needed to deal with, within me, as he could care less, not remember what happened and what good would it do really, except make me look like a crazy person. My notes, prove otherwise.

So now, I had to go dig through my notes and read about the incident that caused this emotional outburst, questioning my own mental state. Did this actually happen? Was it a movie that I perhaps viewed? No, it was in real time, in my life.  With this, now I am digging deeper in my years of old notes, filing them by years. I can only do this a bit here and there, and that was in just reading the date and maybe a glance of my notes. Enough to remember what was happening and caused a lot or turmoil within. I had to and still take breaks from this digging in order to process, sometimes days or a week or so.

To even consider a book, of course, the thoughts of who do I think I am. Nobody wants to read my book, I have nothing to say, I am a fool and you know how the negativity comes. In return, to counteract the negativity, then it is just for me and my healing. Knowing, too, there are others that can relate to my story and perhaps provide hope when there is none.

As I was taught in counseling, turn the negative thoughts around, which I am trying to do more so. Why would I have made and kept all of these notes in my possession, if not for a purpose. All through the years, my fear was of a house fire to lose it all but they are all safe today. The iCloud holds a lot of my thoughts in notes and pictures now to do the same. Technology is wonderful. Like the old saying, ‘your head is in the clouds,’ well, actually it is.

Just this past year, I was standing in church holding my hands in front of me praying, Lord put a fire in my hands of your anointing, if I am to write. Nobody knew what I prayed, as I stood there alone. Soon after, two ladies prayed for me, as I wrote in a previous blog. It was when the woman grabbed my hands and said they were like fire of the anointing. How could that not be God? 

Several months ago. I was messaging my sister and sent her a picture of my Crepe Myrtle bush I had bought with her back in late 2018 or early 2019, when visiting. I came home, planted it where I could see it from my bedroom window. After the winter months, it was just a twig. It must have died I thought and I was so disappointed. 31F53C4F-A54B-49C3-B982-0C2E84098C07

As I was messaging my sister about the twig and how I thought it was dead, I even told my husband back in April to just mow over it, it’s dead. Hopelessness. 

Here is my bush that is growing, just from that twig, in April, 2020. I am so excited and this gives me hope and joy within. It is twice as big today.

This is just like life and of our gifts and talents. We think they are nothing and dead. Not good for nothing. Give up.  BUT GOD…. I joked with her that I was going to preach the next day at church. I realized I was preaching to myself.

Even if no book comes from digging deeper in my storage of many notes through the years, perhaps the Lord just wants me to dig deeper within for healing of many hurts, pain and trauma. There is a purpose. One day I will know, but I have to trust Him. For now, I am but a twig.

 

https://writingforyourlife.com/why-does-god-want-me-to-write/

It’s a Secret

9BEAB864-515A-4E4A-BBB9-4A2958C8E18F

As we still trudge through this virus all over the world and we will for a bit, we will get through this, just not as quick as I would like, for you also no doubt. This is not just a my four and no more situation, dealing with a family stomach bug being passed from one family member to another, under the one roof. To think how vast this virus is, is almost inconceivable. Massive!

I am not here to discuss my theories or others about it but what I have noticed looking out over my face mask and the daily observations.  Looking over your face mask, for one, you do not see what is in front of you, your peripheral vision is blocked and can easily trip.

No doubt about it, the masks are hot to wear. Some have come to the point of let’s wear them and get through this pandemic perhaps faster. In the beginning, I wondered if it was a pride issue with the bully-type voice, I’m not wearing those. I had to question myself months ago for this reason or for the fact of possibly being made fun of 90F608BF-6BDA-4F1F-B9C9-E5C9B14C9DF7by wearing it. I believe that was my main issue, please don’t make fun of me, the freeze response that gets triggered within. Of course, we still have the rebellious ones that still will not wear one although pretty much mandated. We all have things in life we don’t want to do and sometimes they throw an adult temper tantrum.  Do I like wearing the mask? No, I do not. Do I wear the mask? Yes, if I am out and about, observing the rules or in a close quarters, such as an elevator and the other person has a mask on, out of respect, I will put one on. Respect for others, just wear the mask.

In regard to the mask, I noticed more yesterday in myself, I miss the full facial, one-on-one discussions seeing their mouth move, the smiles, just overall expressions. As I sat in my counselor’s office, both of us wearing a mask, both hating this, I missed seeing him, his full face and no doubt this makes it hard for him to not see my face in observation. They are great to catch tears that fall though. I just miss faces and how beautiful people are.

I have joked while wearing my mask at work as I pass a co-worker from another floor in the hallway or an attorney, etc., as we squint trying to realize who we are with one another and then I jokingly say, I really am 3263BBF5-F3C3-47A8-A0CA-917489263E90smiling under this mask and it is good to see you and we move on in that brief moment. There is rarely those moments of standing and talking, asking about work, their families, etc. Rules… stay six feet away, reading and being reminded of the many stickers on the floor. A lot like the game, Twister (go here, go there). I miss the freedom and the contact of reaching out to pat another’s arm to comfort them during a rough patch in life. Everyone is hesitant to show that concern or even offer a hug and if so, a hesitation not knowing if it will be received. This makes me so sad. There are certain ones in my life, we hug and to not get that hug, I am unsure how I will react. The mask, the virus is all like an individual jail cell.

79F724DB-97F0-46B1-8FA5-54038F763000

This past month though I have known some that did get the virus. A few are in the hospital, some are at home with symptoms and dealing with the fatigue is what I most hear. Too close to home. These people are those from my church. The churches were opening up and oh how nice it was to go, sing, worship, hear a message in person, actually see church family and feel somewhat normal once again. I realized early on in this pandemic that the last time I walked out the church doors, back in March, walking back in months later that I would not be the same person. I am not. I am better. I have had to depend upon the Lord even more than before, pray and worship alone and know that He is my (our) source to get through this battle with the pandemic. Draw close to Him.

1FD98771-4970-4442-9679-025F3EAC0BB6

Attending those few services and our faith and joy being together once again, I felt within that I needed to back off and decided not to attend. Was it fear or was the Lord warning me, I was unsure. The next Sunday, there was not a live, in-person service but rebroadcasts, now for weeks. Strange! That is not like my pastor or church so I knew something was wrong and my suspicions were correct. The Covid19 virus was running rampant from the pastor and with members. Nothing was said. Questions within me of what is up. There was no Facebook talk or gossip between those that you know will have freedom to share. Nothing! I kept quiet and watched, listened and read but still nothing. I mentioned this to my friend in Arizona and that I feel something is not right, I feel like the virus has hit but nothing being said. Why?  It’s all secrecy of what is happening. It is one of those moments, if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it’s a duck. Once, weeks later, I found myself disappointed and angry that the church members in attendance, me included, was not informed that this was indeed happening with others. No 7F392A62-BB59-412E-BE76-B4250382A69Ctracing of the contacts, just getting through it, hopefully. I did not care for it and felt like it was deception. Again, too close to home and I found myself more guarded with others, which brings isolation and distance. We need each other.

Just yesterday, which prompted this writing was when our accountant was in the office, using my desk for financial reports on my computer, she whispers that another employee she does work for has Covid19. The whisper. I had to ask what she had just said and sure enough what I thought she said. Wondering why the whisper in my office alone. Of course, in my mind I had to wonder just if…. if she was in his office and he ended up with it, now she is in my office and on my computer, a little panic stirred within me. I have no doubt we all pass people who have it, had it or carrying it. I know I/we cannot live in fear and the percentage of getting it is a possibility. It is just the secrecy of it all that I am seeing and hearing.

I guess I am still stuck on my Pastor not sharing right up in the beginning with his congregation. Perhaps not verbally but maybe at least a notice on the rebroadcasts that scrolls across the screen of an alert. I was in service. I may not have it but I could be a carrier. I deserve to know, as you would.

As we wake each day and have no symptoms, we need to be thankful. Pray for those that are dealing with symptoms and a full-blown case of the virus at home or in the hospital. Those front-line nurses and doctors and many others that help us maintain a somewhat normal lifestyle. Remembering, too, those that have lost loved ones through this  pandemic.

It is no secret that this is real.  …..Stay Well…..

8F83062A-110C-44F3-9976-82A501420CA6