Let The Lord

Many, many years ago, I had a friend since childhood but we lost touch but then reconnected. She has known me for years and my family, growing up. For a long time, we walked and enjoyed the time together talking and laughing.

Then it came a point I became overwhelmed basically with two toddlers and elderly parents. We lost one another again.

Later, my children were older and my mother had passed. We walked, but seldom. It was after my father passing, being an Administrator of the estate, the greed and claws come out of various family members.

No matter what I did, it was wrong. There is always one or in my case two that can stir up issues. These two seemed to find all my friends or those that knew our family and if anyone would listen, they rip me apart.

I am sure some saw through the talk and stirring up strife they caused but I gave up.

Thinking I could go to each one and share my side of the story was overwhelming. I was emotionally drained and added grief of not only losing my parents, but my friends. Now, who to trust was my dilemma.

My conclusion was that if those that listened and believed the one side, where they really friends anyway? Could I fight through and push the truth? Sure. Why though?

Sometimes there are those that need to talk and feel as the victim. If only the others knew my side and the stories I could share. Let it go. Easy? No!

I had to hold onto the words, let the Lord fight my battles and trust Him. Easy? No! I had to!

Just this weekend, I invited my walking friend to a home party I am having with a note that I miss her. Today, I have not had a reply. Will she come? I don’t know but I opened the door to welcome her. Or will it open up the door to the words spoken against me?

Again, I let the Lord fight by battles. What happened, what was said and still, the harm done, etc., is the past. I cannot do a thing about it or erase.

I’ve been ripped to shreds BUT GOD.

Sadly, this happens quite a bit in families with an estate.

Sometimes God will fight the actual battle through you, other times He will simply tell you to hold your position and do absolutely nothing, and then He will move Himself to completely take out the attack coming against you. This is where God shows you how powerful and how awesome He really is when He moves into battle to personally protect you.

https://www.bible-knowledge.com/god-will-fight-your-battles/

Let Me Hide

Today at church, which has been great to attend again, a late, smaller service and no cameras. Just for me. Too many have been ill with the virus through the months, so I declined going. The morning was beautiful with the sunshine, even though it was quite cold. The joy of knowing springtime is near.

I was reminded today of how far I have come.

As I am sitting there waiting for church to start, a lady commented that my face looks thinner. I had to laugh and said, yes I hear that all the time. While nice of noticing a difference in my face, it actually hurts me when this is said. I get frustrated more with myself. It makes me feel hopeless.

Also, it is my internal thoughts that start stealing my peace and my joy each time, because it is like a look of disgust received that I am still fat. I am.

As I turned to sit in my seat ready for service, for a couple of minutes, I had a war within. All the negative thoughts were being thrown at me and an urge to go hide. Just go hide, as it hurts too much. I was considering to leave and go home to feel safe in my rocking chair, throw the covers over my head and call it a day. All because I am fat, the thoughts of unworthiness, I should hide my fat, I am a disgrace nobody wants to see me, etc. WOW

The struggle was real but I worked through it soon after and stayed. I am not where I want to be, but I am not where I used to be. There were many years. I did hide.

Life can throw some heavy rocks of condemnation, unworthiness, shame and every negative word or thoughts to the point of hopelessness. I was there, in a pit of despair for so many years due to several circumstances. I had given up. What’s the use, just hide and let my comfortable chair hug me to a long deep sleep, sometimes hoping I would not wake up.

Even though I deal with weight issues, which I allowed to increase over the years. Depression will do that to you, as some of you may know. I have had to deal with being over weight. We probably each have a struggle in one way or another. Exactly where the enemy wants us, to hide and be depressed, believing the lies.

This won’t be the last time that I will be told my face looks thinner and then they glance at my body. It hurts because I see it happening, and I know I will need to deal with it afterwards. Thankfully, I did not leave church. I did not go hide in my bedroom and rock the negative thoughts to sleep. It can feel like a prison, locked up.

The first worship song, I sang along and clapped my hands, while still tossing a few of those negative thoughts. It was about the third time around of hearing and seeing the words on the screen and me singing, “He set me free, Yes He set me free, and He broke the bonds of prison for me” I actually felt joy rise up within me.

I know I have been in prison, not actual prison, but one in my mind that I am no good, etc. I don’t want to even type the words now of what I struggled with again or elaborate. I think you get it.

I am worthy of God’s Love whether I am overweight with a thinner face or whatever. He loves me. I don’t need to go hide away from life and people. I don’t need to fear but have peace knowing He is doing a work in me.

Perhaps you understand and at times want to hide yourself as the negative thoughts bombard your mind, or people are unkind in their words whether they know it or not. Whatever it might be. Please know, YOU are Worthy of God’s Love. He loves YOU.

I felt the prison bars opened for me today. I just need to walk out with my head held high. I don’t need to run off and hide. Just shut the door for no re-entry when those moments come and I want to hide.

Lord, don’t let me hide.

“I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” (Isaiah 45:2-3) 

..if the Son sets you free, you will be absolutely free. John 8:36

“God has opened the prison doors for you to walk out into the freedom He promised through Christ.

https://findingtruthwithin.com/2016/04/29/freedom-friday/

https://bessg.wordpress.com/2013/02/12/prison-in-our-life/

https://biblestudentsdaily.com/2016/08/18/isaiah-611-the-opening-of-the-prison/

Digging Deeper

There are things in life that you may know what you want to do, from education, employment, marriage, family, etc., but also personal desires such as painting, yoga, teach a class or whatever and possibly even writing a book, which is where I am.

All through my life, even from a young girl, I made notes, kept copies of letters I sent out, always writing down book titles along with the name of the book, to jog my memory of a place and time. I did this for the reason that I might need them one day. Now why would I do that without a purpose? I have often wondered if the Lord was preparing me then for now.

Many times my notes and journals through the years kept my sanity, as I questioned myself, did this really happen. As I spoke to my counselor of various situations, I could refer back and read my writings, almost to the point of feeling very emotional, the anger to rise up and wonder how I survived those years. This was my life.

Questioning myself as I write my blog with thoughts of who would want to read my writings. I have tried different ways to write and grow in this area through the years to where I am today, writing here. Just me and sharing a part of me that majority of my friends and family do not even know. Blogs are usually short and limited information but in each one, they are a piece of a puzzle to me and for me to possibly connect with others of same or similar instances, thoughts and feelings.

Last year I made a weekend trip to my hideaway up North. Just me. I needed to make some decisions plus get out of the four walls where I feel stuck.  Unbeknownst to me, a Christian writing conference was advertised on Facebook. No mistake, I was to see this. I signed up, paid and spent many hours over the few days, taking notes and learning how to start, consider, piece all my notes together, etc. A private workshop for me.

I am one that needs organization to get my thoughts together and that is okay. Recently, I ordered a plastic storage bin for colored hanging files to departmentalize everything. The colored files were for me, the colors are pretty. I was all excited to have these items arrive so I could start immediately. Why hadn’t I thought of this early on?

Now I had everything to get started but I could not do anymore than place my colorful hanging files in the clear, plastic storage bin to admire. I have a tendency to procrastinate with one excuse after another, and I did so. The desire was there but there was a dread of digging through all of the notes and memories. Fear of going back through some dark days with depression lurking and eager to choke life out me yet again. I knew this digging would cause some emotions within me that I would rather keep stuffed down, as my former counselor would say that I did. True. I knew I would have all sorts of emotions come up but it was the anger within that scared me.

Just as in a session several weeks ago, my present counselor and I discussed a situation I faced twenty years ago maybe. I have mentioned this before in a session with my former counselor but this time, it affected me. I could not stop the tears and I had anger for days, with my husband the father of our boys, which did in fact scare me. I avoided any and all situations with him, as I was angry. This was something I needed to deal with, within me, as he could care less, not remember what happened and what good would it do really, except make me look like a crazy person. My notes, prove otherwise.

So now, I had to go dig through my notes and read about the incident that caused this emotional outburst, questioning my own mental state. Did this actually happen? Was it a movie that I perhaps viewed? No, it was in real time, in my life.  With this, now I am digging deeper in my years of old notes, filing them by years. I can only do this a bit here and there, and that was in just reading the date and maybe a glance of my notes. Enough to remember what was happening and caused a lot or turmoil within. I had to and still take breaks from this digging in order to process, sometimes days or a week or so.

To even consider a book, of course, the thoughts of who do I think I am. Nobody wants to read my book, I have nothing to say, I am a fool and you know how the negativity comes. In return, to counteract the negativity, then it is just for me and my healing. Knowing, too, there are others that can relate to my story and perhaps provide hope when there is none.

As I was taught in counseling, turn the negative thoughts around, which I am trying to do more so. Why would I have made and kept all of these notes in my possession, if not for a purpose. All through the years, my fear was of a house fire to lose it all but they are all safe today. The iCloud holds a lot of my thoughts in notes and pictures now to do the same. Technology is wonderful. Like the old saying, ‘your head is in the clouds,’ well, actually it is.

Just this past year, I was standing in church holding my hands in front of me praying, Lord put a fire in my hands of your anointing, if I am to write. Nobody knew what I prayed, as I stood there alone. Soon after, two ladies prayed for me, as I wrote in a previous blog. It was when the woman grabbed my hands and said they were like fire of the anointing. How could that not be God? 

Several months ago. I was messaging my sister and sent her a picture of my Crepe Myrtle bush I had bought with her back in late 2018 or early 2019, when visiting. I came home, planted it where I could see it from my bedroom window. After the winter months, it was just a twig. It must have died I thought and I was so disappointed. 31F53C4F-A54B-49C3-B982-0C2E84098C07

As I was messaging my sister about the twig and how I thought it was dead, I even told my husband back in April to just mow over it, it’s dead. Hopelessness. 

Here is my bush that is growing, just from that twig, in April, 2020. I am so excited and this gives me hope and joy within. It is twice as big today.

This is just like life and of our gifts and talents. We think they are nothing and dead. Not good for nothing. Give up.  BUT GOD…. I joked with her that I was going to preach the next day at church. I realized I was preaching to myself.

Even if no book comes from digging deeper in my storage of many notes through the years, perhaps the Lord just wants me to dig deeper within for healing of many hurts, pain and trauma. There is a purpose. One day I will know, but I have to trust Him. For now, I am but a twig.

 

https://writingforyourlife.com/why-does-god-want-me-to-write/