Words Etched Within

Being one that never heard ‘I Love You’ ever in my life by my parents or family members, I find that I freeze when I do hear those words from others and especially someone that I look up to, usually in a motherly role to me. Whether it be shock or just trying to burn them in my mind so I never forget and hold onto, for when I need it.

I never could understand this whole scenario that I do until just the last several years. The abandonment and attachment issues I felt growing up left a big void within my life. I recognize that now thanks to my Counselor. While that little girl in me, attaches to motherly influences, and only a select few get that honor, but I can now stand back and figure out why it is happening.

Sometimes I just ponder what it would have been like in life to hear those words growing up. Perhaps I hear and appreciate the words more now and know the difference in true, heart-felt words spoken from another’s mouth that came from their heart. So many times I hear those words just thrown around, as in saying have a good day or see you later. I want the one-on-one, maybe with a hug or holding my hand and if on the telephone, a hesitation and those words spoken to me of I Love You. I want them to profoundly affect my heart and remain in my memory bank.  4fcdd5d3-8f9b-4942-81fd-1259c34d01a5-46610-000030d3db8f9d52

Those moments, I find that I write them down with a date in order to re-read them over and over in case I feel that they never were said. Did that really happen, were they really said or am I making it up pretending I heard ? If more recent, I find I repeat them often out loud in the moments I need reassurance, or just to remind myself that they were actually spoken…to me.

Being one of not receiving love spoken or shown in life but just knowing I was loved and cared for, because my goodness I am their child and/or a family member, it makes you grow up wondering and doubting what love really is and what it feels like.

Having two children, that is as close as I know what love is, as they are my life. Being married, I thought that was love until broken and hurt although I care, but it’s limited. A broken heart is hard to mend even though forgiveness comes and there is peace. The heart still aches with much hurt and reluctance to ever trust or love again. Leaving me with a doubt of love that emerges yet again, as a child and I just exist.

Recently, I had somebody say to me, and she was one that ended up in my select few, but said, ‘I care for you and I love you.’ I froze. Typical in the flight/fright/freeze mode that happens with childhood emotional neglect and abandonment issues also. In this instance and the quietness on the telephone afterward, I was questioning my hearing from this person’s words, which took me by surprise. I did not know whether to laugh or cry from shock. Totally not expected from her.

Those words, I wanted them etched in my brain to hold onto. Will my heart truly feel them or ever believe them? With her knowing me so well, she even asked if I would. As I repeat them over and over, even today, there is a shock within. I smile and at times I cry rehearsing those words spoken to me. Help me to believe and feel the care and love, Lord.

Even with the Lord, I know He loves me. I know He has His Hand upon me. The older I get, seeing how He has led and directed my path so far and has blessed me, how can I not believe He loves me. He is all I have sometimes, a lot of times. Still, I question His Love at times, too. I have to believe and know because I know He Loves Me. Faith.6e0d8cd0-2f1e-4d79-8aa8-34b217eb52c1-46610-000030d40413c920

So many people need to know that they are cared for, to be encouraged and to know they are loved. There is a lot of hurting people out there around us with masks on pretending all is well when behind the mask, they are falling apart. How do I know? I have worn that mask all my life.

Childhood emotional neglect and all the crazy, mixed up things that are tied with it can wreak havoc on the young and having lasting effects on the grown ups. They just want and need to feel sincere love.

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Tears Overtake Me

4C2B3ECF-B61E-4592-B245-D5D66989A2FEI have strength to get through this hurdle that is before me and the next moment tears are rolling down my face in sadness.  My life has been turned around yet again.  Loss after loss.

54C87143-A31A-4BC1-9280-F46EE037CCD0Not necessarialy in death, as that is another whole grief that presents itself.  Still, it’s grief.

I have many friends and acquaintances but my true, deep friends live a million miles away, in seems.  These are those that I have entrusted my personal life into and they into me.

One had moved several years ago to Arizona and we keep in contact quite regularly by text, almost daily.  So in essence, I can make believe she is still near until the loneliness of our face-to-face togetherness is not possible. to meet up.

My other dear friend, that I met in Sunday School many years ago lived about an hour away and we would get together almost monthly to shop and eat.  For some reason, her and her husband thought it would be a good idea to move closer to their son and the hospital where  he was having Cancer treatment.  Did they ask me?  Certainly not.  How dare them.  I joked through this with them but I took it hard.

The time came and the going-away party happened, moving trucks hauled their possessions several states away and I am left.  While I was happy, and sad, for them, I did not realize how much this affected me until weeks and months later.  I am like an alone, lost puppy dog.

While adjusting to what it is, we have managed to pull the texts together moreso and it helps.  The moving and settling in has eased and now there is time for me.  It’s all  about me, right?

Of course, I have other people in my life, it’s just not them,  the connection and closeness.

Getting over all that and feeling a sense of order once again, I get hit with a harder blow this week.  My wonderful counselor is taking an immediate leave of absense.  Now what do I do?

I get a grip and then I lose the grip and tears fall like Niagara Falls.   Lost at sea and feeling the turbulent waters all around me.

Bringing it back into reasoning, I know she has invested in me and my life, so much.  While I know that and comprehend all the wisdom, knowledge, advice and care, my mind explodes thinking we are not done.  I need to know this, that or another.  OMG!

There was stability and routine, as I met weekly or at times twice a week with her.  Again, I feel alone and lost. Deep down, I know there is a plan but fear is always lurking around to discourage my very being.

Thankfully, I know when the tears fall and my mind goes haywire over my loss(es), showing me the pit of despair I feel, The Lord is always there.  I will get there but it seems it takes forever.  No matter what, He will never leave me nor forsake me.  Remind me Lord!

I am blessed to have two Godly friends, one in the East and one in the West.  To have a woman of God as my Christian Counselor for years, I have been truly blessed.

Today, taking a break from finishing this and going to church, the message was on point.  Goodness and Mercy go before me.  His Mercy will hold me through this emotional pain, only if I allow Him and remove my pride to control and remain in this and trust Him.  He is there for me.  I must depend upon Him.  Only through Him can I get through, not my counselor, although she is awesome and very dear to me; not even my friends or any other.  He is the One.  Again, remind me over and over.

On my drive home, thinking of my circumstances, what I just heard from my Pastor, years of wisdom in my counseling sessions, I feel I am again dealing with abandonment.  Realizing that, I am just glad I know what it is, where before when I was left or felt alone, I did not.  My counselor invested a lot of time and her wisdom into me, now to use and practice solo.

So as this hits and usually hits hard and the tears flow, I notice what I am telling myself, what emotions, how it affects my body in my breathing and my body posture and bodily sensations and get a handle on it instead of freezing in a fear/panic state.

To freeze in a fear state, I have done that all my life and it comes so natural.  Knowing she did not leave on purpose or because of me but due to health issues.  Realizing all of this, it is like a mama bird pushing her baby bird out of the nest.  Don’t like it.  Don’t like it one bit but here I am, it’s time to fly.

Lord, remind me over and over again that YOU will NEVER leave me.

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Left Untold

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The untold story will wreck havoc on a family so in denial.  Where to even begin.  Is it a book that is written in annomity or by fact?

Kind of reminds me of the book, The Help.  You know the characters but you have to surmise and wonder.

That’s where I am.  Where to begin.  I have bits and pieces all around me in notes, actual chapters of how and what went down but putting them all together and tying it together, is yet another thing.

We can all write a book probably and I sometimes think why would I want to add another to the shelves that are way more popular and exquisite than mine would be.  Still, I have an untold story that just may bring hope to another.  Or at least add to some juicy gossip.

Who knows what will transpire but if it is meant to be, it will.

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Panic Within

Being one that deals with abandonment through life, the panic grows within, when felt forgotten.  The torment that exists for those that deal with this is horrifying.   EE48EF49-01D6-4234-A327-7BE8E05F97DA

It is like trying to balance the thoughts like a seesaw going up and down, sometimes with a heavy thud on the ground, that you see on a playground, but knowing it will be okay.  I know I will get through this but the down side is fear, I’ll lose it.  Panic builds although I try to contain but the tears emerge and flow down my face wondering have I really been forgotten.

There is anticipation of a call or text but also fear of that, too.  Either way, the panic has pushed all the buttons to cause an emotional outburst internally and externally.   Unsure what to do or even say if or when that call or text is received.  Numb.  Basically freeze, which is typical of childhood emotional neglect.

Sadly, I’ve been through this so much in life, I know how to deal with it but it does not make it easy.  My heart breaks a little more through the pain.

8A18F3FA-659A-4381-954B-45D07F5CB991You take one day at a time   When that is too much, you take an hour at time, sometimes minutes.

The only hope is the Lord.  I know He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.  My head knows and truly believe that I have faith enough to grasp this promise but my heart doubts it.

Trust Him!

Unspoken Love

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How or why is it that family members do not speak of love?  To say ‘I Love You’ is hard and/or I guess embarrassing.  I have never figured this out within my own family.  It is that you just know because you know, you are family and you’re loved.  These words are not said.  How sad is that?

Even the thought of asking others in the family if they feel a void in love, is off limits.  True feelings are not discussed. This makes my heart hurt.  My heart has hurt for years of longing for the love that a child/adult should feel or have had received.

Leaving a family member today, my sister, I hugged and I did say I love you and she just looked at me.  Perhaps shocked.  I was thinking and even hoping that those words would be reciprocated but not.  I wonder if they know or feel this, too.

It took years to get this far though.  Before, for years, it was hello/goodbye and no hug so we’ve come a long way baby, as they say.

It is easier to say ‘I Love You’ to a friend than it is a family member.  Why is that?  To get a kiss on the cheek is definitely not going to happen.  I have only a few friends that give me a kiss on the cheek when leaving, along with a hug.   Those mean so much.  I hold onto those moments.

My children hug me and I cherish those hugs.  They know, too, that this Mom will ask for one more hug before they leave to go home.  It’s just expected, with a grin.  I will always hug them, kiss their cheek and say ‘I Love You’ so they will never have to guess or wonder if I do.  I do!

Never let your child(ren) leave without saying those words to them or while they are in your presence.  Hug them, pat their arm or back, as the power of touch is healing.  They need to know you love them.  They may pull away or act embarrassed, especially teenagers, but odds are they want that.

Although, if you only do this while in a drunken/drugged state, that will be a definite turnoff.  I don’t blame them, as I experienced that.  If that is the only times of love shown, it is not love.  Just plain sad.

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Flush of Anxiety

CB331623-7076-49D0-8D93-22FD46465B38Years upon years when I felt the sadness of a loss, thoughts of a loss or fear of losing someone, a feeling of heat to almost moreso a frozen flush would commence on the inside of my chest and flow downward.  Like flowing over my heart, the heartache and sadness from deep within.

The thought of loss at the moment of sadness, immediately the flush begins and ends, within seconds. The sensation is horrifying to be honest, which brings on added anxiety of panic.

Perhaps due to childhood emotional neglect, trauma and feelings of abandonment through life has not helped.  As I research and recognize this within my body, feeling sadness at the time, it is so bothersome.

How do you tell or explain such a thing happening as I am and have experienced?  Is it normal?  I don’t know.  Just pondering this and welcome feedback if you ever experience this.

Anxiety Sucks!

Bondage of Shame

F042F83C-8810-4E8F-A593-A7CC565FD963Why is it that so many ads and prescriptions are geared toward sex?  I listen to a radio station that discusses an erectile dysfunction (ED) medicine and comments to make your woman happy, which makes me cringe.  Hearing this in an office setting, although I love their music, it is not appropriate.  Not to forget the commercials on the television that are quite regular, too.

While sex is natural and has been around forever, there’s a time and a place to have and to talk about it.  A subject matter that should be private between couples.  Still, with all openness surrounding sex, Internet, tv programs, books, etc., the fact that shame and even guilt is still attached to it for many.  Also, shame has been with us forever, since the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve (Genesis 2).

What’s worse is the fact that guilt and the shame started in your younger years with masturbation probably.  Nobody discusses this natural process with the body or mentions the “M” word and to say it aloud, it is almost like saying a bad word, even worse than the “F” word, which I detest.  Masturbation, it’s a secret, of hoping and praying nobody knows what you do, when you do it, or going so far even wondering maybe they do know, etc., which is where the guilt and shame grows.

Even with that, it’s expected and normal with guys, it seems and understandably so.  As I ponder this for a girl/woman and God forbid, a married woman (a Christian married woman), it is not.  As a child, questions may emerge and remain through the years of why do I enjoy this, what’s wrong with me, do other people do this, am I doing it the right way, and all the questions within and surmising of others persist, unknowing.

Being a baby boomer, this was not discussed, only jokes about sex was heard growing up.  Of course, not knowing about anything sex related basically but always waiting for others to mention facts in order to learn, whether right or wrong.  And in all my years, never of masturbation itself although a vibrator was joked about on occasion.  With that, I was smart enough to put two and two together.  Even posts about shame or articles from the therapy point of view, still to this day, the percentage is very low, usually it is about sexual adultery.  Hush!  Don’t mention masturbation, as it will go away but it doesn’t.  Shame exists and among those around us.

Always knowing, too, that Satan has a game plan to keep those that deal with this area to remain down upon themselves, depressed, isolated, private and to cause so much unworthiness within. Christian or non-Christian, he doesn’t care.

No doubt, there are many who struggle with the shame.  Having sex and feeling pleasure from masturbating, at the right time and place, is normal.  While sex/masturbation can become addictive, also fantasizing of another man/woman other than your spouse/partner, viewing porn, etc., those are of a whole other matter involved and counseling might be needed.

With that, please note, there is nothing wrong with counseling whether it be sexual, etc.  This is another area that shame attaches itself to in order to keep you in the same pattern with no healing or growth in your life.

A good counselor will not heap more shame on you but will help you process and figure out why, which will probably stem from your childhood.  Childhood issues suck!  Sadly, you may not even realize just how much so until discussed.  Don’t give up, as it may take months or even years of counseling to get to the root of this bondage of shame.

In childhood, many facets of this shame are due to abandonment, rejection, loneliness, feeling unloved, etc., and the act of masturbation soothed the hurts within.  Not only the reasons mentioned but provide pleasure, release of stress and aid in sleep.  It is not selfish but normal.

How sad it is that this area is so secretive, leaving a child and even as adults struggling and lost within trying to understand him/herself.  If no adult/parent was available or cared enough or know how to explain that this is/was a normal puberty role that happens, and to be performed in the privacy of ones own bedroom, the root of guilt and shame develop. While this all should be without guilt and shame, the child/adult is lost in the ‘I am bad’ mentality of shame.  He/she is not bad though.

Without a doubt, the adult(s)/parent(s) carry the same shame and unsure what to do, how to express or share with their own child(ren), leaving a vicious cycle between generations.

The good news is that because of Jesus, we can be set free from the bondage of shame.  Trust Him!