Terrified with Faith

I am at a point in my life where I am being pushed forward into the unknown somewhat, wondering if can I do it.  Questioning myself and God of how this situation A78CCC54-9AE9-4C38-A21F-22660E7039D5had all come about so perfectly but the doubt hovering over me with what if I fail?  The balancing act with many encouraging me and those that I have shared my hesitation with, their encouragement that will support me either way. At times, that did not help, still feeling at a loss as to what to do. In the past few weeks, a part of me desiring that somebody would say, just do it, taking my hand and leading me, helping me and conquer this fear. I’m scared, okay terrified.

BC147DB3-4AD4-429B-A91E-E087A8314780I am sure I am not alone when trying to make a big decision, allowing faith to manifest but fear lurking around every corner.  We all have to make decisions in life with jobs, marriage, education, purchases, etc.  Adulting is hard, even at my age.

As I was being encouraged by a lawyer friend yesterday to go forward and expressing my fear and hesitation, I asked him if he experienced this when going to law school. Without hesitation, he said he was terrified. Today, he is one of the finest lawyers I know. His position just did not happen overnight, as he had to face fear head on.  Just his words of, ‘I was terrified’ brought comfort, knowing what I am feeling is normal. Sometimes knowing normal is not just a dryer setting, can take pressure off of an anxious mind. I realized that when with my former counselor, a lot of what I thought and felt was quite normal. It is the shame-based thoughts that keep us bound by thinking we are not normal, something is wrong with us.

Dealing with the weight of this matter on my mind and 5C5859A9-7215-4E34-AA86-FE897089F51Bmaking a final decision this week, I felt encouraged upon waking.  I have dreams and sometimes they are so real, just like this morning. Sitting quietly in a church service but next to a side wall not in a pew, my pastor came over to me. He took my hands and held them, looking at me and just said, ‘You know He is with you.’ How encouraging! Yes, it was a dream a spiritual dream, but I do believe and know that God can speak to us in them. Perhaps because our mind is quiet and He can get our (my) attention.

ID0F6AF27-7611-4796-BB3D-EEC4392F8B2Dn my quiet time this morning, of course, with coffee nearby and before I start my day cleaning and enjoying my home, I was reading scripture.  Just so happened, guess what I turned to and read first?  Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” How awesome it is to know that God’s Words are LIFE words soothing our soul, that brings calmness to our spirit and giving power and joy to our day.  He is with me. He is with you. We just have to quiet our minds, whether sleeping and in a dream to be reminded or in the moment acknowledging Him as we go about our busy, chaotic lives.  That’s God. Trust Him.

9FB0F076-4F72-42A8-B00F-6BC95B7761E9

9 Bible Promises About Your Sleep, Dreams and Night Hours

 

Peace and Quiet

9E1F0857-0CE8-475A-BFFB-26F3E4216F19Today, I embarked on a new journey in my life.  I have never done this before but I am taking a step forward.  We sing a song in church that says if you take one step, He will take two.  Well, I need that from the Lord as I don’t know what to do.  I feel like life is heading in all sorts of directions and I feel lost, standing at a fork in the road.

DCF2B457-52CE-4BD2-92E3-7AF6CBF5140BI arranged a getaway for four nights, just me.  I need to know me and I need the Lord to speak to me through His Word.  He is my Father.  He is my Husband.  I need Him.

As I searched for a location to go and be alone, I narrowed it down to two places. For days I agonized over which 57BCCF04-A58C-4C82-B209-6D05EBE799C1way to go.  I stood in my office before leaving with my arms outstretched asking if I am to go north or south. My final decision was to go north.

In my final decision and knowing more of the location, a private apartment of a family, I did my due diligence and researched them.  Odds are, they did me, too, although I did need to go through some hoops to be verified that I am a decent person, no serial killer.

67AA0790-E188-44BB-BF02-E72D8B051D9DI told my counselor that I would not be surprised if the owner is an attorney, as I would love to pick his brain.  To find out, he is a preacher.  Even better.  No doubt in my mind that is why I was drawn to this location.  I would not be surprised to have time to talk and be encouraged from him or his wife. That’s God. The Lord is so good. 4100A9CE-8E3F-40CE-B118-3BFFDB6EE487

So as I prepared to travel north and get settled in alone, I have to be honest, it was somewhat hard to do. Why do I want to leave the comfort of my own home, almost wanting to forget this trip and take a loss. With that battle in my mind, something will come of this trip and I pray it does.

I will find my place to focus on the Lord, in my writing and reading with no distractions of dust, dirty dishes or laundry pulling me away.

My beautiful view.

37FDAE0F-6077-4A62-AEB4-83BF000C41EA

“Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Luke 5:16

 

Blank Slate

094827C6-CEF1-459D-BB49-F12084B966A2Recently, I was with friends at a large event. I had a counseling session beforehand, and I was telling her about going that evening, of my anxiousness and some background tidbits. I remembered and told her that the speaker that night at the event, was a former pastor of a local church. When I visited the church years ago, never meeting him before, he came over to me and prayed but then he said that my life is like a blank slate (canvas). What did that mean? I believed it was good as I was on a new journey to find me again.  It had to be good — a prayer and a comment like that and in church, right?19076668-1828-4EF5-A4E5-E01BC46F49AE

For years, I have tossed that around, questioning.  Did that mean that my thoughts all through the years, that I am a nobody, after all was correct? I’m blank. Nothing going on upstairs, I am stupid? Trust me, the thoughts and ideas popped in my head of both positive and negative, always causing doubt in myself, others and everything.

When I mentioned this to my counselor and to keep a positive spin of his comment, I just felt like I was able to EE8E6DF9-D8C1-4616-8AAC-CD40DD355636find me and make the life that I want and desire. This is a good thing. At the time he said what he did, it was the beginning of my counseling sessions with my former counselor, now five years ago. I was and I am still trying to find me, my self-esteem that was lost, the confidence forgotten and voice that was silenced. It felt good to know that the blank slate back then is now starting to show some life and happiness.

C2BF7099-A097-48AB-895E-0D003F799B84

Back then, too, years before counseling, I was at a point of deep despair, hopelessness and just existing in life. I knew I had to reach out for help and did so by going to a Christian Counselor, one that I felt I was led to by God, after many months of prayer and research.  I did not just Google search for the first counselor that popped up in my area, I did my due diligence. My desire to get back into church became alive again. To attend s5C93847D-0D96-441E-9E4F-EE82F1C5DFE5mall groups with church bible studies and to be more sociable was a joy, as for years I avoided crowds, people for that matter.  While it was not always easy, I did it in small steps. Plus, I was determined to fight through the rough, emotional  sessions of counseling, many times wanting to quit but I would always go back the next week, knowing deep down that this was God’s Will in my life. I had to fight through many times and still, as the enemy wants to kill, steal and destroy.  I don’t think she would let me quit anyway, thankfully.

3428D1C1-2DD8-4527-9703-D97A5064AC4DToday, as I look back and questioned the comment that I am a blank slate, I do see it as a positive and the lines on the canvas are connecting, as there is joy exhibited and felt within and the color of beauty being expressed in and around me. Hopefully, in my writings, the creative side I lost, too. I am enjoying where I am at this point in my life, because I feel alive. I want more.  There is only One that make this all fall together and give me more, the desires of my heart, as I look to Him.

Whats on your canvas?  No matter what you may be going through, you can make changes, too. The Lord wants to hear us call on Him and praise Him in the small and big areas within our lives. Trust Him.8898D424-04F7-4F73-8907-4FE71DA6A60D

Eleanor Roosevelt writes, “With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts.” Each new day gives you a clean slate, a new start, new available strength, more grace (because His grace never runs out), and abundant love and hope. 

https://www.jubileeonlinechurch.org/build-on-your-clean-slate/

00A10AD6-6015-4D03-A56C-13210B11D80F

 

 

Dance One Day

9E389AF7-9E70-4462-9426-FBBA448640D9One day I will dance.  The joy within one day will show, as I step out and be free.  No burdens or disappointments will hinder me, or what others think. It’s been a long time coming, as once before when I danced for the Lord.

I know when this happens, it is not me but the sweet Lord, blessing me.  He knows my heart and He knows name and with Him, there is no shame. I will praise Him.

Oh Lord, touch me and let me see and feel your spirit upon me.  There is no other like you.  You love me and I thank you.

2EBC35C9-70AE-4ED3-8A54-8DF4E534763B

 

 

Enough Love

Oh Victory in Jesus, my Savior forever, He sought me and He bought me with His redeeming blood.3F172254-B945-4A71-9F47-5939FC04FB51

The words of this song is an uplifting one as are other songs we hear and singalong to also. At times though in life, the words go across our lips without actually hearing or believing them, we are just singing. We can all sing, or at least attempt to sing, but do the words and the meaning hit our heart and stir it? There’s a quote that says we hear the music but when we are down and out, we understand the lyrics. I have found that myself to be true.

C25EF66C-CF36-4B37-B151-66B306B7E874

In my writings, I want the words to help me to remember where I have been, where I am at now and knowing He has His Hand upon my life for what is ahead.  To the reader, to know that there is victory in Jesus and your faith will hopefully be increased.

No matter what happens in life, good or bad, we are to go to the One with our praise and our prayers. He see the tears that fall and the tears that we choke back.  He knows each one of us like no other. While that is hard to comprehend, it is for me, because there are millions upon millions of people in this world. How can He love me as much as He loves you?  But, He does! 7A94EFAD-5BCE-4BAA-955A-1C96EF3952F2

Being a parent, and I remember when my second child was about to be born and while I already loved this child within, I remember telling my sweet, older neighbor friend my worries. As tears filled my eyes, holding my first born, asking how will I love this second child as much as I love my first child. Do I have enough love? My emotions were way out there but probably normal for any mother, especially a pregnant, hormonal one. I remember her telling me, my love will be enough for both as I will have plenty to give.B6324B87-5F51-458E-AA69-777B6DBF34F6

Sure enough, my love was expressed to both equally and still. The vast amount of love He has for each one of us is incomprehensible. He’s amazing!

I know I need to be reminded of just that today, of His Love, for Me.  Know, too, He Loves You!

38BFA11D-D6CE-4CFC-B206-08832598A246

Fire in my Hands

It was in my early twenties, attending a local church, being somewhat taken under Millie’s wing to teach me and mentor me, we became like a dynamic duo.  I was more confident in myself as a now adult and being a Christian.

Parcel wrapped in mottled brown paper with coarse rope and buff tag

Millie led a class called, Discovering Your Spiritual Gifts, relating to what our spiritual gifts are, an 8-week class, I believe. I just remembered this tonight and still the excitement floods my mind.   When she was out of town, I would lead the class and no intimidation or fear was there.  I did it.  I forgot the joy. 055B49EB-BA84-45A6-AFEE-62456C25305A

On several occasions, we would travel to different locations to attend conferences.  The first one was unforgettable and life changing.  It was at this time, a desire to write a book became alive in me.  Since, it has always been on my mind.

Millie moved away due to her job and I moved to another church and got involved there. Life changes and while some things halted, other things moved forward. Life.

A lot has happened between my early twenties and now, almost sixty years old.  Still, my mind is always thinking and writing whether I do write a book or not.  This blog has helped me this past year to open up and share. Thank you for reading.

D5D95F50-E590-46A1-9184-2BAD57550D3FAs for a book, doesn’t everyone want to write a book?  Why would anyone want to read mine?  Questions I keep repeating all of these years.  Who knows but God.

About two weeks ago though, I had something interesting A24BEBD7-5675-47B8-8BE9-A1AFCFA7409Ehappen.  I am at yet another ladies conference.  I am standing by myself with my hands lifted up in front of me, palms up and looking at them, praying.  Lord, if it is meant for me to write, let fire of your anointing flow through my fingers as I type.  A simple prayer and I moved on enjoying the service.

At the end, during the altar call, I stood.  A lady behind me and to my left side tapped me on my shoulder asking if she could pray for me.  Sure.  With that she grabbed another lady for prayer, too.  The three of us, hands held, and she prayed.  There was a hesitation, she stopped and asked me if I was a teacher. No, I am not.  Again she asked, are you sure?  I’m sure.  Now I began to wonder where this was going.  I mentioned my office work and that I write, I love to write.  Again, she stopped, looked at me and said, ‘You do know that a writer is a teacher and a teacher is a writer.’  No, I did not, never gave it a thought.  Other things were said, too.  It was then the third lady holding my right hand in 1B8E3F64-2FDE-4D71-87E1-E321B276776Cprayer, she also took my left hand, holding them both up and said, ‘I see fire coming from your hands.’  Now being still, taking this all in, it was like wait a minute.  I am thinking, Lord, I know she did not hear me pray, my prayer earlier.  Then she said to me, ‘You are like a Wonder Woman.’  Then I stopped and no doubt my mouth dropped open.  I know neither of these women knew me but with the prayer, prophetic word, the fire in my hands and Wonder Woman being mentioned, I knew God was in the midst.  Plus, I had just wrote about Wonder Woman that week, and I said that I was Wonder Woman.  (The blog is called 002969B5-4848-4AB9-A8FD-C6C3EEEC1304Kryptonite.)

Talk about a WOW moment, my faith was sky high and there was a laughter within me. Still. Not of disbelief with the laughter but of amazement because only the Lord could have pulled that off through these ladies that I have never met before and He used them.

I do not know what the future holds, if there will be a book although I have the title ready, or how this will come about, etc.  One thing I do know is that the Lord will open the doors if so and will be glorified from the beginning to the end.90EED108-0511-49E3-8AF2-FA826494C5EC

I have to trust He has placed a spiritual gift(s) within me years ago.  To just now remember that time and the class, and teaching it, I am amazed.  It’s like, Lord, just what are you doing?  In all those years, I had to walk through some dark places to be where I am.  What I do know, too, is that He knows where I am today and He knows where I am going.

Same with you.  You have a story, a testimony and gifts to help another and many others, to give hope. Trust Him.

D16F160A-25A7-4DEE-84C2-6781C5825D92

Lost and Found

2E35C2E4-F24B-457E-8FEF-68DC4587F2E4I am now in the final stage of my life with many years remaining and hopefully the best of them yet as my hope and joy are returning to me.  There is a spring in my step of this older, adult woman who is finally understanding herself and more importantly, accepting herself.   It feels good to feel worthy if to nobody else but to God.Lost and found vector motivational romantic philosophical quote

While the last five years have been tedious with counseling and digging in the dirt to see clearly, it has been worth every penny, the time involved, heartache felt and many tears.   I did this for me.  I made a choice that I want more in life before I die.  To know that only death was before me and hopelessness, only brought more hopelessness plus doom and gloom. Not a good place to be or to stay.

People get stuck and see no way out.  Like a cat in a paper bag.  Yearning for more but overwhelmed by all the negative that they have encountered and believing it all to be fact.  Nowhere to go, distrustful of others due to past relationships of hurts and basically alone.

As a Christian, feelings of despair in this lost state brings condemnation so that, too, must be dealt with and fought against.  People around us are lost as a non-Christian but many are lost in just hopelessness felt.  Not because of unbelief, as they just might have more faith than you may think in order to hold on, it is just no zeal to push through.  93F29398-D3FD-4E27-ACA3-581107A2823C

There were years that I walked through that mess.  While being unsure who I could really confide in or one that would believe the chaos that seemed to swallow me up.  The craziness that it brings because on the outside it all appeared normal.  I walked in a fog at times and for a bit, I was numb being so hurt and not knowing what to do.

I was lost for many years of basically feeling like a caged bird being F20671BD-9FD0-4B1A-A87E-62FDECEEAFD1unsure and afraid.  Plus, forgetting myself as my confidence, what little there was, removed itself from my life.  A zombie at times going through the motions of life, wearing a mask. People and circumstances can strip you of your whole being, of which happened year after year.

Today, I am not the same person I was five years ago.  Thank God.  Walking into my former counselors office the first day, sitting on her loveseat and being asked why I was there was the beginning of the me I am today.  I felt I was going crazy, which was my response to her and I 35B47D33-8A10-40F5-9B33-DCA08DA6C2EEbelieved it because of the imprisonment of my life.  Help me!

When we make a choice and decide to move forward, our faith ignites and the Lord will see us through the pain and struggles.  Trusting Him with it all and our lives, He will open doors and will bring the joy back into our lives that we have forgotten.  The excitement of living comes alive and in color like never 18132AAB-9AA3-4569-907C-C342433BAA19
before.  I forgot and lost myself in the past and for years but today I feel I have found myself once again and finding each day better than the last.  So the best years are ahead of me and I am going forward.

How about you?  If you are going through something that seems overwhelming and the hopelessness seems to be clinging to you, allow the Lord to help you.  Trust Him.

While I was a Christian, and have been since my early twenties, it came to a point of desperation and saying, Lord it is me and You.

He knows, He cares, He loves you. ❤️

52C5304D-38F9-409B-97D7-288BC4C5F66A