I Need Your Arms

F197C556-6FB8-49EA-A438-9FEA9947885CAll I can gather is that the emotional toil on my life has zapped me more than I thought.  The past two months of losses with animals, loved ones, turmoil with my child of worry and the unknown of what is before me.   Exhaustion with it all plus the heat and humidity where I live has caused a lack of energy.  Giving myself grace instead of feeling all down, depressed and lazy is a big step for me though.  I have been through a lot of ups and downs.  It’s okay to have some up and down days, too.

Still, I find that I have struggled with the need to be loved. Is that wrong though?  Understanding and grasping why those thoughts come and desire to be loved is part of my childhood, called Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). 612D9385-1AE5-45D1-A68A-A8F04AA06A92

While I was loved by being in the family, I was not loved or shown love through hugs or physical touch as a child should be given and a lack occurred in my emotions and how to acknowledge them.  Sad.  Realizing all this finally about four years ago after going through life and questioning what is wrong with me.  My former counselor was wise enough to recognize, help me see the pattern and how to notice what is happening in me when I get to the deep yearning of a motherly hug.  Mentally and emotionally inside, screaming, ‘please hug me.’  It usually points to the fact I am tired and now, exhausted.  I recognize and acknowledge now instead of letting this emotion of sadness of loneliness overtake me.  Apparently, I did learn from her.  She would be so proud.

0212DB89-3576-4696-9D57-D230B1A63FD8Instead of yearning for the motherly hugs from motherly figures around me or even from my counselor, which she gave me often upon leaving our session due to knowing my heart and feeling my basic heartache, I have turned more to the Lord.  Lord, hold me through this or I need your loving arms to wrap around me.  I need you. Hold me tight, don’t let go.  Perhaps learning while knowing, that was what He wanted from me anyway, which was to turn toward Him and allow His Love to fill my heart void of love.  No other can fill that void.

Oh, but years of having a deep desire to be held in an embrace of a motherly hug so tight that my emotions would drain from me was always present in my mind. 06A77E96-8D39-458E-8387-E0C4863D86EC

Throughout this process and understanding, the yearning for the love of motherly figures lessened.  Then to lose my wise, sweet counselor due to closing her counseling office,  I was beside myself and even angry at her with the way it ended.  Although, I am sure and have no doubt that she, too, needed the Love of God through the process and decisions made to close her practice.

Recently, questioning if I am grasping everything we discussed in counseling for years in this area of CEN, as I do not require the hugs nowadays or perhaps I have stuffed my feelings down more-so because I felt hurt yet again by another and especially by her, the one who understood me and knew me best next to God.  The walls we build to protect our heart from hurt, they can go up quickly. Pondering this for many months, probably both at times but when I realized I was calling on the Lord for His Arms to hold me, hug me and to feel His Love, that is exactly where I need to be. A2F942F1-4A41-4D61-88F9-D77DA177C0DFPeople, whether, friends, family, church, even counselors, etc., will let us down and hurt us.  Normal.  Our focus should be on God and know that He truly loves each one of us.  To truly grasp that from one growing up feeling unloved, just existing, and love not shown, it is easy to question.  Also normal.

He Loves Me!  He Loves You!  Isn’t that great!?

Grasp it, hold it and yearn and allow His Arms to hold you in whatever you are going through.

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Childhood Emotional Neglect – Dr. Jonice Webb https://drjonicewebb.com/

 

 

The Battle

89147F07-4824-4232-9126-8B1356ECBF98I feel the battle is on. A spiritual warfare that a mother will fight for her son (children), in my case a grown son, at that. My gut instinct for weeks proved right when an unexpected visit from me after much avoidance. My determination was to knock and stay at his door until he came home, opened the door or possibly call the police if need be.  Fear overwhelmed me for days, not knowing if I would find my son alive or dead, especially that night. Not what a mother needs to consider but was a possibility.

To finally have the door open after hesitation on his part, I was lost in emotion as I hugged him.  A mothers heart will do that, fall apart from happiness and even anger. As I sat next to him, saying what I felt, he promised to stay in touch but day after day, his word failed yet again.  As I sat next to him, he did not hesitate to lay his head on my shoulder.  He needed his mom just as much.  As we sat there talking, he shared just enough with me of what was he was dealing with due to pride and independence.

315095BC-9F72-4024-8A48-CD9E920035EBI just have to pray as tears flow still, fight the worry and thoughts that pop in my mind, as I try to trust the Lord fully.  But, Lord, PLEASE!

As a mother, we have to cut the apron stings, which is normal and with mileage in between our homes, that was necessary. He is grown but he is still my boy.  It is probably a good thing with the distance but it feels as though he is a million miles away.  We each have our own life of work, commitments, etc., to tend to so I cannot helicopter parent him.  Of course, that is not normal.   I have to keep my faith in God.  So hard to do at times.

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Being a parent is such a blessing, all ages, but so hard at times.  God wants each of us to look to Him. Perhaps that is where we are in this matter, my son has to make a choice.

5F96671E-FD72-43F9-9232-BDCB2FD7134COf what I know with what is before him, he has to work through this.  I cannot do it for him.  We had a rough patch a few years back and he did get through it and learned a valuable lesson in the process.  That’s life and how it should be, and I was so proud of him.  I’m always proud but the anguish is overriding.  We are at the crossroads again, I feel.

Faith ▪️ Hope ▪️ Love

 

Heart Pangs

 

3B1CA3BD-C2A4-479B-ACB2-C1331E04C01AAs a mother, no doubt each of us as a little girl dreamed of being one. The anticipation of dating, kissing, falling in love, marriage and then comes a baby carriage. Bet you are thinking or singing the little ditty of a song that goes along with this dream.

It happens, although sometimes backwards these days, but for the most part in line as it should. I loved being pregnant, well the first three months were a little queasy but then easy sailing as my belly grew and my love developed for this child within each time.

At birth my faith grew as only God could make this beautiful creation be so perfect.

Life takes over with home, caring for parents, another D2871576-F428-4AD6-B19A-6AEA5F5734D2child, school, sports, illnesses, etc.  Then the next is that they are off to college and maybe never to return back home.  Their bedroom sits empty and the noises and smelly socks and shoes are gone, in my case.  Just memories last and pride bursts through of their independence and success.

C4AA06D0-6213-4B53-96F3-DE5D94EC1136No matter how tall they get or where they go in life, this child I carried within and in my arms will always be in my heart.  When they hurt, I hurt.  Letting go to allow life and its lessons bash them is more than a mother can withstand. Is it paybacks of what we did to our mothers perhaps?  Just as a toddler walking, they fall and get back up. Same with an adult child.  Knowing this period brings growth in them, it swallows us up in fear.

8D13C480-35A6-4B25-A290-74F9AE87F54AAs a mother, I know that I can pray for God to cover my child with His protection.  Praying continuously.  To bring Christians in their path to speak hope and life when hearing their mom over and over again, goes in one ear and out the other.  Still, I am the biggest cheerleader in their life and always will be. My love is everlasting.

To know my love is that deep for my child(ren), just imagine and just take it in as to how deep God‘s Love is for us.  💕Amazing!

 

 

Door Cross

CE69C75F-8B2E-4FA2-BA56-0C85BED77017A few weeks ago, while staying in a rented condo on vacation, it takes me a bit to get acclimated to the surroundings and sounds.  While it was great to meet up with a friend so we could shop for several days, the night comes.  I’m in the back bedroom and she is in the front bedroom near the outside door. I knew she went to bed and as I am lyingB99771D0-F3C1-415E-A9B0-600053AA27CA there in mine, I hear a screeching of a door.  I look through the crack of my door to see if it was the front, outside door, while a panic within me freezes not knowing the what if.  What if it is the door opening and somebody will enter.  Fear.

C928FB39-DD2B-42A5-9321-28FD31894D26As I look and try to talk through this situation, I look at the bedroom door and am reminded that there is a cross on the door.  Trust Me.  Once I realized we were in no danger, the deadbolt was on anyway, I remembered yet again how many times since a child that I have looked at the doors in our home and the Cross.  Peace.

The Cross will bring peace to a troubled soul and with 56CA94C0-0E62-441C-930C-77742D712D95fear as it has done all of my life.  I love that the six-paneled doors, I see a Cross.  I was telling my friend of the screeching sound and my panic mode.  She had never noticed the Cross before.  Bet she does now.  You, too. (Cross and Bible)

As a child, I did not know God but knew enough to recognize the Cross and trust that He had His Hands upon my life.

I need Him in all areas of my life.  We all do!

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Here I Am

76003392-CF8A-4321-A559-A3EBB9076D45Last night as I was walking, thinking about some issues in my life and praying, I could not help but continue to look up at the sky as I kept moving forward and admire the beauty of the clouds, sunset and the sunrays shining through. It was just beautiful and, of course, I had to stop and take a pic.

Sometimes in life we get overwhelmed with situations and issues and/or that we get so busy and forget to enjoy what is in front of us whether it is the sunset, friends/family or just a bee buzzing on a flower, etc.

I am sure you have heard the old saying, “Take one day at a time.” Someone told me a long time ago that when one day is too much, take one hour at a time. I do just that at times, I have had to.

Perhaps you are facing some situations or circumstances that seem out of reach for you. Do realize you will get through these periods of waiting, questioning why and even moments of anger.

While trusting the Lord and even questioning and even doubting Him, which is normal (Where are You?), He will give you the peace you need. Trust Him!

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870 Days

652B2586-29F0-48E6-A4E4-AB1FB25A3117I can honestly tell you, I dislike a part of the code of ethics between a counselor and client relationship.  I totally understand that the counselor’s personal life is private while the client shares their life and deepest, darkest secrets.  That’s fine because that is why you are there in counseling.  

While I do understand the boundaries during the process of counseling, I also understand it after counseling has ended between both but I just don’t like it.  The connection is no more, as if it never existed.

As I started counseling over four years ago, it recently ended due to health issues of my counselor.  Jokingly, although some seriousness in me, I have wondered maybe I caused her to have burnout. Possibly!?

With our time together, I found her to be one I could confide in and be honest with and that is exactly what you want in a counselor, a connection. While she maintained boundaries in her profession, I still considered her closer than my own sisters. I could talk to C16F158F-ACF3-4CF3-B616-32E1C8C0E1E6her in complete confidence, truly feeling she cared for me not only as a client but as a person. To be listened to, heard and understood, brings healing.  I have to say, she was one of the best.  I feel blessed to have had her in my life, when I needed her the most.

The word, had.  I had her in my life. Now I don’t. It’s that code of ethics that comes into play. Again, I really do understand but I really don’t like it. Okay, I am having a temper tantrum, and I’ve had a few.44590330-BB3A-43DD-86EE-727802A14440

At one time, a brief comment was made between us that no friendship relationship while counselor/client. Okay, fine. It was when she made her decision to close her office, it all became real and quite upsetting. Hoping now, at least we can become friends on Facebook to stay connected, was my hope. Nope!

Okay, now with that, a real temper tantrum because not only can we not be friends on Facebook, but no contact for three years. Three years!  As of today, that will be 870 days, but who is counting? Ha 6062824E-20AB-4CA3-93C2-A01347B364F0

Again, I do understand and I respect her in this matter. I just don’t like it. It’s like the song, ‘It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.’ Well, this is my blog and I’ll complain if I want to, while working through it all and having fun, too.  Getting through the grief.  It would not surprise her to know I have a countdown timer on my iPhone.  I also have one of my retirement date, which is definitely more days than I want to be reminded.  It works for me.

In three years, I guess the reasoning is that the facts spoken within her four office walls will be forgotten, she will forget me and I will forget her and life goes on as if we never knew one another.  Can that really be true?

For me, not possible. On my end, she will always be a part of my testimony. While I am adjusting to the abandonment part of this situation, I still have my moments of grief and missing our talks.

So, perhaps this will help somebody know of what to expect when considering counseling.

Even though we both go our separate ways, I feel the Lord led me to her at the right time. He prepared her in this area for me, others clients also, but He knew I would need her many years before I even entered her door.  That’s God!

8E1FED02-9CEB-4A34-A7AE-D82DB646EA89The Lord knows and will put the right people in your path.

I really miss her.  Sometimes I hope she reads my writings, perhaps to know I care and appreciatative but be encouraged, too, because she helped me be who I am today.

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