I look forward to sleep, as my dreams become almost real. I cannot imagine my life without dreams, seeing and understanding things and especially those I love. A brief instance of a conversation maybe, a few words or the embrace of a hug. I smile, I cry when I remember my dream and when so powerful, I write them down Today, I have done all that and to share. I don’t want to forget. I needed this visit, even if just in a dream.
“Hello. You look beautiful.” I said this to you. Your white hair and white blouse, you just glowed, as I saw you in my dream and we talked briefly. You leaned in to touch my arm with a smile, as in you missed me, too, and soon we hugged. It’s been such a long time. I do miss you.
This week has been hard, emotionally and physically. I recently had knee surgery and relearning how to walk after reconstruction. This on top of learning of two friends dying within days is too much.
The one friend, her and I have been friends since high school (late 1970’s). Sadly, her admittance to the hospital came after taking a dosage of medicine after hearing her husband tell her that he found another woman. This state in her body led to further complications, a medical induced-coma and death. My friend is gone. I can only imagine the anger felt by her family toward this husband of hers that is taking place, as I feel the same. Too many struggles in this marriage and now this. Just sad.
The other, was a guy I had a crush on since fifth grade. Later in high school and after we we graduated, we dated off and on. I loved him and his family but life took us different directions. This one hurt. Always a dream of us later in life reconnecting. That dream has vanished. There is still a love and connection, which now holds only memories.
Perhaps the physical pain but also feeling my age through it all and many as we age passing, grief becomes real and reality sets in with each one, knowing my time is nearing.
Enjoy life. Grief comes to us all in deaths or loss of a relationship for whatever reason. Grief is grief. Acknowledge, cry, wipe the tears and cherish the memories. We all go through this. We all will get through this.
Here I am, beating myself up over words spoken, jokingly, but truth.
Have you ever said something and regret later? Surely I am not alone. Please tell me I am not alone. You are not alone.
Thinking after the words exploded from my mouth, I regretted. Yes, it was funny. Yes, it was and is truth. Still, it should have remained closed lipped, but didn’t.
I have learned a lot about forgiveness through the years, of forgiving others that have hurt me. I have also caught onto the fact of forgiving myself. That is a big step, not being self-centered, but necessary.
Slowly, it is sinking in. I was wrong. I learned a lesson today, and I will never repeat what I said, even though I think it. This is my funny, sarcastic comment that should remain within.
Forgive others. Forgive yourself.
“It is just as necessary to forgive ourselves as it is to forgive others, and the principal reason why forgiveness seemed so difficult is because we have neglected to forgive ourselves.” Christian D. Larson