It’s Us

It’s Us!

Not You, it’s You and Not Me, it’s Me. It’s Us.

This may not make sense to anyone but me. I have come a far distance and it feels good and feels right. Time does make a difference. Healing within and understanding of oneself is liberating. Is my life perfect and have it all together? Not a chance.

It is knowing I am not where I once was and I am still evolving.

One day, which is the next step, I will see my former therapist of four years. Her leaving due to medical reasons and not formally telling me, I was at a loss, her office sign is down and is no more, in 2018. My world was rocked off its axis.

Dealing with abandonment prior to her leave, then experiencing full-blown abandonment, as a true, full-blown assignment, my heart was broken. Anger ripped my insides up while tears flowed on the outside. The question I repeatedly said, was one word, WHY?

Of course, it was medical but why not personally touch base. This ‘why’ screamed within me for years.

It has since silenced. It’s not that important anymore. How is that? I still don’t know the why. There’s a peace and I like it.

Time does in fact heal. Forgiveness of the other but also of oneself is freedom, no matter what situation.

All the negative feelings and thoughts have subsided and it is kind of shocking. How will I react when we do meet while shopping or in public I often wonder.

It would be nice to see her and hug her. I’m forever thankful for our times together years ago but I want this to be a coming together somehow on the same ground level as friends. Not her as my therapist or me as her client. That is no more. It’s Us. Funny, I think she would understand this of me, as she was good like that.

That’s the next step, our running into each other. I would like that.

Again, Time!

An Unexpected Place

I am sure I am not alone and this has happened with you or someone you know. It is going to a doctor, whether a new one or just a visit, perhaps routine or having an issue. It always calls for blood work, another pill or a test that may require more tests. It’s like a spinning wheel that you cannot get off.

Exactly where I have been the past two months and today was a long day of tests. Thank God they are over. The last two CT scans were nothing. It was the first one that took an effort to plan and get to the hospital out of my area for this test. Being on the road at 6 a.m. was not something I would want to do daily. I realized there are a lot of people on the road this early, as the traffic was backed up in several places. Why aren’t they at home drinking coffee and leaving later, and out of my way?

A new hospital to me but probably better than most that I am familiar with, as it was easy to get in, park and find my department. As I looked around from my seat at the registration desk, I saw a room and figured I would be placed in one for my procedure. Nope, I was led to a big room of many reclining chairs and IV pumps. As I entered, I felt my body just stop but my mind thinking I don’t like this. Fear hit. The thoughts of knowing each empty chair, had held many people with the same fear I felt, some hopeful and some hopeless as this is their chance to keep living. I was the first to be in this empty room as the Nurse handled my records and soon starte my IV.

One by one, the chairs filled from those older than me, the same age and then a young girl, maybe mid- twenties came in with her beanie hat on, knowing there was no hair underneath it. What I did like was that most patients had a support person beside them, which shocked me due to this Covid19 restrictions. Even though, it made me happy they had one by their side to talk to or just be there. Only two of us had nobody with us.

I was okay with this, being alone, until the injection was administered slowly. I could feel the medicine injected hit me and the heat although it was cold settle right below my rib cage. Oh my, I don’t like this either. Unsure what I expected but not that feeling. Each slow push, this sensation would return. The Nurse was very attentive, as she knew the first push was an eye-opening experience for me. Here I am in a room full of others, but in this time period of her finishing my injection, nobody else mattered. I had to deal with myself. I think I finally disconnected from it all especially when the man next to me was nauseous, as I was. He had a different procedure but we both were struggling. The thought of, ‘Oh Mr. please do not get sick because I will be right behind you.’ Not a good turn of events for the Nurses or others, if so. Mentally, I had to disengage and just be still. At this point, if this did not lessen, wondering if I could even drive home, or if I would faint upon standing due to the shock.

After an hour or so, I did feel back to normal, knowing I don’t want to deal with this sensation or a room as such ever again. It was then I looked over at the young girl, with a life ahead of her that may or may not be and knowing, too, she has been through way much more than I did in those few hours. It’s those I want to take their place, as I’m old. The filled seats, the IV pumps beeping, hearing the drips of the one next to me, the aroma of medical plastic, antiseptics used and that once warm blanket now room temperature on each of our bodies, was pretty surreal.

This is what many people deal with often. No doubt their first time walking in this big room of chairs with or without people, I am sure they did not like it either and fear struck them. Thankfully the medical technology has improved so much to have this available. Many will walk in, walk out and return. Many will walk in and walk out and not return. Hopefully, for the good.

I really liked the hospital and the people. I had a great Nurse but they were all awesome with the patients and working well together. If anything, this stopped me to realize a little more of what others go through when getting chemo, dialysis, platelets, infusions, etc. To have more empathy of the patients and a deeper appreciation of the Nurses. I watched both today as an outsider looking in, from my chair in the corner, of an unexpected place.

Buried Titles

B19F4115-FC0D-480E-ADF8-03CC2383600CThankfully, most of us come a place in life when we see all of the pieces of the past fall together and we can look over our life and see how the Lord orchestrated the good, the bad, of which we caused, and brings us to a point of where you or I are right now.56089E8D-E8F1-40A6-9286-873CAAEA5251

Actually, now seeing the Hand of God, back through the years in my own life, it is exciting. My counselor has said numerous times that she sees a weaving of a tapestry in my life. At times I felt as though those threads were unraveling to the point of almost choking me.

The other night, as I went through some old notes, just because and as I needed proof and to be reminded that what I went through was real. At times as I have discussed issues of my life in our sessions, thinking this can’t be real, but it is, it was. I hear my voice sharing at times of the memories and reliving the moment as in watching a tv show and it all seems unreal. I question myself as if I am lying of the emotional pain and situations I experienced. My notes, my journals, 5D2F9F31-1741-40B5-A66C-B66DB331624Amy screams on the paper, majority having dates of which provide proof and gives a timeline.

I truly have been blessed with awesome counselors, woven in to help me spin and weave this tapestry. Allowing me to understand myself and bring healing to the loose threads of my life.

Many times, consistently I found that I wrote in my notes, ‘Lord, move or move me’ and another was, ‘Don’t let my pain be wasted.’ So many sentences began with ‘Oh Lord, I need you and your direction, please give me strength.’ I believe He did and He is still doing so. 3C9BD2B8-53A5-40B9-B362-80898BDFCEA7

It is just amazing how you can get through some of the lowest points in life and then look back years later not knowing how you made it, but you did. Had it not been for my faith, and at times that was wavering and wondering if He left me to just die in this pit of despair. He was all I had, even when I doubted His Love for me, He still loved me. 273EED1E-7378-4082-A27C-79E9FC201AAC

In my stash of notes, which I have kept for many reasons, but I think I knew, too, that I would need to refer back to them and I have in my counseling sessions. I also knew I have had a desire to write a book for years. Interestingly enough, don’t we all say at one point or another that we could write a book?  I had forgotten that I started back in 2000, maybe even before, of listing titles, for such a dream. In those titles, I knew each one would jog my memory and allow me to go back to my notes and like a DVR, to elaborate as words would appear before me and most likely cause many tears and anger. We all have a testimony to share in hopes to give hope and encourage others.

With my blogs and other writings, these allow me to express my creativity and even my vulnerability of sharing parts of my life with the public. Thank you for reading. In each one, a stepping stone to build my confidence and being patient as I move forward watching it all unfold. I know the Lord is doing something in my life and perhaps my writing is to encourage others and give hope or maybe it is all just for healing within me. 

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Who knows but the Lord of what will come about from the buried titles I uncovered but it was like a treasure to find. Just another part of the weaving.

Look around, look at where you are today, think of those that have crossed your path through the years, ALL of it to bring you to where you are today. Sometimes we go through things that are not so pleasant and we feel alone. Even though, He is right there with you. Trust Him.

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Ephesians 2:10, “For we are his handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for the good works that God has prepared in advance, that we should live in them.”

https://brokendoorministries.com/4th-day-letters/the-tapestry-of-life/