Warped by Work

I had an opportunity to work at two funeral homes in my life, one was for only a year, which was my foot in the door within this industry.89FD249D-92A5-4372-AD4F-8C1E47284412

In that year, I learned quite a bit and got to experience tending to visitations, picking up the deceased, driving the hearse, go to and have an opportunity to tour the medical examiner’s building, cremation process and some preparation work. I realized when I could do all of those things and then sit down with an intern for the funeral home while studying for her test to be a director, I was intrigued even more. I really do not think many could read, look at most photos to learn plus snack on Combos (pretzel and cheese), like popcorn at a movie. Wow, but we both did this and discussed matters. I, of course, thinking that night on my long drive home, that this was not normal while smiling because I enjoyed learning and looked forward to working again.

All the while working for this firm, on an as-needed basis, trusting and allowing me to be so involved, it was my desire to be at another funeral home, which was closer to home plus I knew the family owning the funeral homes. I was patient, as I drove to and from, and I would pray telling the Lord of my desires.

One rainy day, with flash flood warnings, and being home tending to our old house and basement area which was having an issue with water backup and draining, I was a mess. A mess not only in frustration trying to solve the issue but standing in water trying to redirect the water to another drain. Of all days, the telephone rings and it is the funeral home I want to work at asking if I could come in for an interview, that day. You bet!

Just that, I proved that I could go from one extreme of a soaked mess to one in a clean, looked like a put together woman and off I went. Strangely enough, I learned through the years in this business, death does happen twenty-four hours a day and those on call are basically like Superman 7C010D7F-FF6B-4FB3-8D98-9ADF9C7D1F2Ain changing, minus the telephone booth. A telephone booth, I bet most young people today would not even know what that is, now I am really showing my age.

I was hired on a part-time basis, mostly for visitations of opening doors as a greeter for those that come and offer their condolences, keeping the coffee pot full and keep restrooms cleaned and stocked. Other times, before a funeral, it was nothing for me to clean and shine the hearse while wearing a nice suit and in heels. I am woman, hear me roar. Not really, just that 37EB5B44-5731-4BE0-8EF4-2FF0D16128E2I am not afraid to work, scrub and clean. I always worked and gave my all, knowing the Lord would bless me with more. My patience and faith grew trusting He knew the desires of my heart.

My as-needed position being a jack of all trades, I soon graduated into a full time position in the office and still being a jack of all trades. One minute typing and organizing and then helping with other details managing the funeral home. My favorite was when the embalmer would ask for my assistance in the back, in the embalming room. I had two embalmers that taught me how to do embalming, train and allowed me to have hands-on experience, and at all times always out of respect. This is not a position for everyone but I loved every moment of my time at the funeral home, whether in the office, opening doors and tending to visitations and funerals with the public, meeting with and hugging or even praying for those that had just lost a loved one in their time of grief or assisting in the back room wearing my very own lab coat to taking the 2CF0ABE9-EDBC-44A1-BBDF-68E5ACC7C7D3trash out and sometimes plunging a toilet. I really enjoyed my job and I have so many fond memories of family members and caring for them in their time of need.

My time with this funeral home lasted nine years and I was on my way to be a Funeral Director, which was my next step and discussed at my yearly review, to serve my apprenticeship. In my life then or that year, my marriage was basically dead so I 7C0A52EE-3884-4657-8A64-DF515A9A9815myself was dealing with grief, but of the living in my marriage. Due to family issues of not just one but two estates and being the Executrix of each, several in the immediate family would have loved to see me dead due to their greed and bitterness. At times, you can only take so much and emotionally I was a wreck. I learned quite well how to leave my bucket of tears at the door when coming in for work. I could not be an emotional mess greeting grieving families so wearing a mask became a part of my life. Strangely enough, I was trained in my childhood of how to stuff my feelings so in a way, this helped me in my employment, as I learned later in counseling.  It was when I answered the telephone one day, I held it up to my right ear and realized I could not feel my ear or the side of my face, as it was numb and now I had a ringing in my ear. I flicked my ear and cheek with my finger, feeling nothing.

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Thankfully, I knew an ENT due to my son’s previous sinus issues and he saw me that day, I believe. After testing, my hearing was okay and he ordered a MRI. I received a call soon after from his office to come in ASAP, which was not a good sign. I had a stroke, I was only forty-seven years old. Remember all the stress mentioned, apparently my blood pressure was soaring through my family member calling and harassing me at work often and at home, along with everything else, which all added up.

With all the stress and pressure, now knowing I had a stroke, I knew that if I did not leave the funeral home, I would soon be on the table in the back room myself. The funeral home business is quite stressful, more than people realize. My dream of being a funeral director was not worth losing my life over, or leaving my boys.

The Lord is so good and if you acknowledge Him in your daily walk, He is real, He is there and will He will help you. I am living proof. During this time, a friend of mine called me about her office position as she was leaving and asked if I would be interested, and I interviewed with her boss. It was the worst interview I had ever done, I was at a low point in my life, my health was suffering and in so many other ways. I felt as though I was a walking zombie each day. As I walked toward the office, I just said a short prayer, Lord it is up to you. I had no joy, I felt totally hopeless after being verbally beaten down to a pulp from a few family members, I had a husband that was non-existent emotionally and my only hope was in the Lord and living for my boys. My present boss, now of twelve years, hired me that day.

525F21C4-97C7-452F-BADA-F9EF41BA2511Many times though, when driving especially, I have fear. There was news this week of two families reported of their car being hit and death of all four on contact. In a second, our life can end. Having a stroke thirteen years ago, fear of having another one is always on the back of my mind, especially if I get a rare headache or a tingle in my face, my A-Fib starts or just knowing I could die at anytime. Fear! Getting older plays a part in this also. Within the funeral business, I have heard and witnessed a lot, knowing I am not exempt or is my family and fear grips me and the enemy loves when I almost totally become a ball of nerves with anxiety and freeze in this fear.60B1B555-A328-44A9-B1F8-F89E8594915F

I am thankful that I know to snap out of this negative-fear mentality, as it is just that, fear. Can all those fears happen? Certainly, but most are lies and we must live our life in faith, knowing that whatever we face, the Lord will be with us and will go through any heartache, grief, death, etc., as He is with us also in our joy, peace and daily life. I cannot dwell on death, I want to live. Even more today than ever.

So, I often wonder if my experience of my work history in the funeral business warped me. Maybe though, it was to make me more fully aware that I am to live life to its fullest.

Faith/Fear vs. Life/Death  — I choose FAITH and LIFE

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Please Note: If you have read my blog and experiencing grief due to a recent or present loss, please accept my condolences. Just know that there is no time limit in the grieving process. 

 

 

Did I Fail Them?

The motherly guilt was alive and well recently, as I fought through the fear that I have failed my son(s). The ‘if only’ statement rolls in my thoughts, full well knowing that those ‘if only’ wishes will not change a thing. It only keeps me in a fear mode as worry tags along.87FD1186-60FC-4E84-AC54-27D751AC3628

When writing a recent blog and researching the childhood emotional neglect (CEN) yet again, reading the symptoms, etc., which I have had, panic set in for the boys, especially my youngest.

I know it is proven to be passed along through generations, which would be me, and if so, then I have failed them, too. Had I known what I know now, a familiar phrase spoken by many, whether a parent or not, while I did many things right, I would change some areas.

If what I have gone through and the struggles, I wonder if my sons are going to also. Will it be different with a son than as a daughter? I do not know the answer.

My years of them under our roof has come and gone, now they are too busy. The days speed by so quick and time is limited when visiting or in my life as my days are getting to be less.

Reminiscing of their childhood, I had happy babies. Looking at them, smiling and covering them with love, hugs, kisses and prayers as we rocked and read books. This was something I did not have growing up and proud that I did that with them.  Often I wonder though, do they remember?6EE54AA4-E2CB-4339-8940-062D151FB7DD

Through the years, these sweet boys brought me so much joy and even all those dirty clothes. They knew I would be their number one cheerleader back then and know that even now. The teenage years were interesting. The independence and pulling away from mom was happening with my oldest, I remember, which had me frantic at times but soon learned this was normal with boys. When the youngest did the same, I caught on and realized a new 03E2C037-9E09-4BE1-92ED-553848F43F47phase in their life was happening. Okay, I’ve got this. Even in these years, I wonder if they remember and have good memories of their mom. I was there for them, I always will be but less so they could grow into adulthood, loosening the apron strings

Or do they remember me depressed from the dying marriage happening right in front of them with their dad while I am trying to appear strong and happy keeping our family intact? Even though I lost some precious time, I 9854A649-70A7-4ABC-BE1D-A3A0CA65BE88pushed my way through for them. Do they remember? Or do they remember and did they feel the underlying anger I had toward their dad? The dark days of depression added and being buried with much grief of not just my parent’s deaths, but the death of my marriage, a marriage I always desired but will never have, and most importantly time with my boys and us all as a family unit. Grief in all ways was surrounding me. Those were rough days… years. I hope they don’t remember. I would like to forget it myself.

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The ‘if only’ or ‘if I could do over’ days are over, there is no going back. While these statements brought worry and fear along with tears and all the negative thoughts that I failed them and not to forget that I was a bad mother, which are lies and from the enemy.

As a mother, I did the best I knew to do and still. I have to trust the Lord as I did back then, even though I wondered where He was at times and if He even remembered me. I must trust Him. My boys are grown adult 9E1E5E8B-6F88-480F-9BF4-4EFC6FCC7982men now and doing well. Will they need counseling one day to help in areas from childhood? I do not know but if they do, I will support them to do so. I want only the best for them. Perhaps with my own work in these areas, this will stop the pattern in generations to come.

I just hope they remember their mom’s love, hugs, kisses, support and prayers, especially when it is time for a nice, clean smelling nursing home. 🥰

I Love my Boys (Men). ❤️❤️

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So perhaps you have had the parental guilt yourself. The enemy wants nothing more to keep us believing the lies that we have failed our child(ren). All you can do is your best and trust the Lord

Parental Guilt: Forgiving Yourself For Parenting Mistakes

https://drjonicewebb.com/E92393B8-C3D7-4822-9013-4E9EC5F53B07

Word from Lysa Terkeust:  “Satan wants us to be afraid.

I’m not talking about the healthy kind of fear that keeps us safe. No, I’m referring to that horrible kind of fear that whispers worst-case scenarios.

While we’re distracted with fear, the enemy pickpockets our purpose, cripples our courage, dismantles our dreams and blinds us to the beauty of the Lord’s great plans.

Are you struggling with fear in any area of your life right now? Maybe there’s a relationship causing anxiety. Or a problem you’re facing where there seems to be no solution.

Stop right now and speak the name of Jesus. Proclaiming His name brings power, protection and perspective that crushes fear. It is the name above every other.”

https://www.lysaterkeurst.com/

Invisible Me

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Our memories can run a mile a minute and mine did just that this morning. While reading a post written by another wife dealing with her husband’s Aspergers. With that and remembering myself years ago feeling the same, I could totally relate, in her saying, “I could not deal with being and feeling invisible any longer” so with her young child, she will leave the marriage. Of course, other issues were present but this one made me go back to a period that was just unbearable for myself. C7FC683F-16B3-4C97-B635-F41E30E36E6A

My boys were young, too, perhaps eight and ten. This one instance that is etched in my mind is one where we all left church to go get lunch at our favorite pizza joint.  As I remember, that whole morning and church service was uneasy. I would mention something and he would deny, like before, over and over. This was an ongoing dialogue between us. The craziness of that day in and day out was enough to tip me over the edge. Trust me, I wanted to jump many times, no tip needed. I stayed for my boys and dealt with the circumstances.

EC56EC75-49C9-4481-9718-9D487C1E7C85As the boys and my husband were enjoying the pizza buffet at the table, talking among themselves, I am sitting there being totally ignored. To remember, I feel and sense the sadness after all of these years still, just a lighter degree from then, thank God. I am eating and on the verge of crying but what good would that do? I sat there alone, emotionally distraught, feeling like a homeless person with my family. Exactly my feeling and I remember that thought so well, and the pain within.

A blanket of doom and gloom of this marriage was choking life from my body. This was about twenty years ago, as I write, and I had no inkling of Aspergers then or up until five years ago.

As I met with my former counselor who alerted me of Aspergers, that seemed to fall into the scope from my sessions, I felt the blanket lifted from me and the craziness that Aspergers can cause in a marriage relationship, which is a sad, lonely one. 37D69AF2-625B-4852-BC9B-01D6E0BC01BB

In our many sessions, of course, my childhood was discussed.  A lot of adult problems are unhealed childhood issues, which I have heard over and over again from my Pastor, in his messages. As a child living in an alcoholic home, not realizing it then as it was just my life, but I was present while I listened to conversations and observed my surroundings.  I remember my counselor commenting that it was interesting that I was invisible as a child and now as an adult in my marriage. I guess interesting although I understood what she was saying, more depressing than anything. I was invisible and had no voice.

Now, just recently, I did my two weeks, the eighty long hours required in clinicals for Phlebotomy certification, 53BB793C-649B-4518-ADF0-D6C80AB37DFDthe worst two weeks of my life. I remember a couple of times when I was alone in the lab office area, I held my hands up and moving like a Mime stating, am I invisible?  I did all I knew to do, and I am trying to help them and understand the process, as I was their legs to save them time but the training I should have had was weak in each of them, a waste of my time. When there was time to ask questions and time for them to explain this or that, they each had their nose in their cell phones. I was at a loss. I was being ignored, not trained properly and I felt invisible, yet again. Although now I know the role of being invisible, so I am there at this point to get my hours and required sticks, ignore me if you want. I am doing my time and I am out of there, just learning to hate a profession I thought I would enjoy.

So to read this mother’s woes of feeling invisible brought me this point of my writing.  Perhaps to remember what I came through and to treat others as they truly matter, that they are not invisible at all. Even the homeless matter. My heart is bigger knowing and feeling the pain that I dealt with and in that I do not regret what I have grown up with, my marriage and this past experience.

Each one of us need to be aware of those around us. We never know what they might be going through. Just a smile, costs you nothing, but can bring hope to a person who has none.

Thankfully, we are not invisible to God. He knows each of our names, where each of us are and the number of hairs on our head. Trust Him.

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She [Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi [the”well of the Living One who sees me”]. (Genesis 16:13-14)

Invisible

A Slap of Shame

While driving to work the other day, my mind was busy just thinking of this or that, what to do once there, thoughts of what recently happened, etc., as normal.

Apparently, there was a song that came on to trigger a memory but what it was, I do not know now. What I do remember is how I had to deal with this periodEC3DC5C1-9754-4D5C-B8F1-0E6F3B56699B of driving and stopping at traffic lights as I made my way toward the office.

My oldest son, years ago, was working in Tennessee and was five hours away. This was way too far I loved the location, it was beautiful and he had a nice apartment. This time in his life, he definitely matured and had to deal with matters on his own because his parents were not near and he did it, I was so proud of him. Thankfully, he was back the next school year in Kentucky. This mama was happy.  Letting go is not always easy, as most moms can attest.

A70136AA-0AB2-439A-90CC-323FD8543761It was in the winter that year especially, that his distance from home I found more depressing for me. Those Christmas songs that start way too early did not help matters. The song, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” was the worst, or perhaps it was and is the best. I could not get through it without crying and even remembering that still while sitting at a stop light, I felt those tears well up ready to flow down my face.

This past Christmas, my oldest son and his wife were in Florida visiting her family. I adjusted very well, as I knew that was only right to share them. It was when my youngest son decided not to come home for Christmas. Although, the day before, he told me he would be on time for dinner and seemed excited and, of course, I was so happy that he would be home for Christmas. My son is coming home.

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On Christmas Day others were late arriving, which is typical in this family but it got be very late and my son still was not present or had we heard from him. Of course, concern was trickling within my mind while I was hosting Christmas for my husband’s family. I want my son. I want him here, he is my son, he is my family. Where is he? The questions turned into worry as the time passed.

Finally, we heard from him. Oh to be young and carefree, with a sleep schedule that is all over the place. He overslept so now he has no interest to come home. Seriously?!?  My heart dropped and I was so hurt. I wanted to just sit down and bawl my eyes out. There was no way that I could keep a straight face of how that affected me and I really did not care. While I did not cry, I DF6007CA-2358-4586-B112-0F22CB8BDE3Fdid express to his father that I was not happy of his decision and they all heard me. How could they not know that? I think they heard my heart drop. I was just done. In my mind screaming, just everybody go home, as I want to fall apart and now anger was becoming a part of my emotional turmoil.

Normally, if and when hurt or in this predicament, I would just escape within myself and become quiet, not mentioning my hurt or show emotions. I wore a mask very well through the years and I could have won an Oscar. Thankfully, I am not the same person so I was not going to crawl into a shell. I did express my displeasure calmly. While I did not cry, I had to walk through the house, taking our grand dog that we were watching outside because he needed fresh air. Right? It helped the dog (and me) because when mama is not happy, nobody is happy, which was now a joke somewhat, when I returned, but true. The day continued and was fine although I had AFD3135B-1C35-4C74-8C01-BE1AB96B7E25neither of my sons at home, there was a void on Christmas.

Everyone is gone, what food was not taken by others is now all put away and dishes are done. It’s amazing how quick clean up can be done if upset. I was ahead of the game and I was ready to settle in for a long winter’s nap.

Forget the nap, my son appeared finally. The atmosphere in our living room was a little cold with our visit, at first. I knew he was uncomfortable, as I was and upset. We were all uncomfortable. He is an adult and even when younger and at home, rarely had we had such moments.  Maybe we should have had them.

Finally, the atmosphere was easing. I love my son and I know he loves me. I understand being young and doing such careless things, I really do.  Maybe, I wondered, if this was a payback to me of wrongs I did to my parent. The karma phrase many use, what goes around comes around, although that can be in bad or good but many see it as bad and want the worst, which is a whole other writing. 55D68B9F-327F-4219-BF0D-FD90DE0ADA20

Anyway, after his father went off to bed, my son and I talked. I expressed my hurt calmly and that I felt it was disrespectful of him to do this, especially on Christmas. This was not just for me but his grandparents and whole family, it is a time for all of us to be together. I wanted and needed my son at home. Knowing, too, this might be the last Christmas with the grandparents due to health issues. Also, one day he will regret the decision he made when I am gone, too, wishing he had more time with his mother.

Now that was all over, the new year is upon us and our relationship carries on and while helping him this past weekend at his new house, we had fun. Perhaps, that period and discussion brought us somewhat closer than before. He got to see his mom cry and hear the hurt of my heart, probably something that a son does not want. I was being real.4CDF2457-50F1-48D3-8846-EA6CCCF8B46C

As I mentioned before, and when they were young and at home, I wore a mask even with them, pretending that our home was a happy one between their father and myself. The mask is off more than on nowadays. I am better and happier, as it is quite nice taking care of me for once instead of hiding the sadness.

Now, with all that, while at the stop light, fighting back the tears as I could hear the song in my mind, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas,” a battle began.

It was a period of feeling like a no-good-for-nothing mother, I was wrong to express my feelings to him, he was going to pull away and never come home and that I was worthless and… WOW!!!

I caught all that and felt like25053267-F9F6-47CB-B438-38F24FA2119A a slap of shame was hitting me on one cheek and then the other and back again to make me crawl back into my hole of despair, feeling like a loser. NO, I WILL NOT!!!

All those years in counseling paid off at that point, as I could turn those negative lies around because I knew this was shame being hurled at me. I am a good mother, I have been a good mother and I always will be a good mother to my boys.

I believe that my boys and my husband and others have noticed that I am not the same person, but better. I can be direct and calm if I need to, in respect instead of hiding and them wondering if they need to walk on eggshells. I am not worthless, I am worthy to be their mother. The slap of shame had to stop.4E64CA34-5C75-4730-AD6B-4EF93158684D

Shame can and will erode any and all positive attributes in each of us. It makes us feel less than and the enemy will make sure we take that as a hook line and sinker so that we will not be all that we can be and have joy.

FEDBD51B-3170-40F7-8680-2F217B2EEBE9It felt great to know that I could acknowledge the shame and how I felt slapped from one traffic light to another. Once I grasped what was happening, turning these negative thoughts around. I was told and taught in counseling many times as we discussed such scenarios, the rewiring our brain, etc.  All of which sounded far-fetched, honestly for a long time, but I got it and I did it.

Shame, you are not going to slap me around anymore, not if I can help it.

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Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201104/shame-concealed-contagious-and-dangerous-emotion

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/shame

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/neuroplasticity

Little by Little

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Little by little the thoughts of you are slipping away unsure if it really matters, as I sometimes wipe my tears away.

You were there but now you are gone, while I do understand life goes on.B20AFD0D-E8E6-43A2-9967-844EDFEFCEB4

The journey of life takes many turns, and I am happy to say that I have learned.

Each day holds something new but my remembrance brings me back to you.

2354E5BF-54E8-4404-BF59-CE7A246ED04EHow can I forget what you have done, as it was you that made me to believe in who I am.

So many thoughts and words to say but the way it ended there was no way.

I think you would be proud of me of what I have done, I sometimes wish I could share.

Am I ever a thought in the mind of yours, perhaps wondering if I am doing okay?

I am trying so hard to move on, but I still get hung up with the lack of closure we had.F0A28DBD-4DB9-42DE-9D82-B36A5C3632C9

Thoughts of gratitude most often I have, but still I have bouts of anger that appear.

No matter whether I am a thought or not, I am so thankful from the bottom my heart.

I would not be where I am today had it not been for you, and I know that was all in the Lord’s plan.

So little by little I will go about my days, knowing my questions of why and my hurt will go away.39EAE351-D11A-4164-B39F-623D41901EF3

I wish you well as I try to let go but knowing you will always be a part of my testimony.

I will keep moving forward and enjoy each day, knowing my days ahead will lead to joy.

You may never read this and that is okay, it is just my way of letting go, little by little, day by day.

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In my previous writings, I have mentioned my counselor, now former counselor. I had been with her for four years, weekly if not twice, and to count it all up, that is a lot of time together. Besides the Lord, she knew me quite well, more than my family and friends, actually better than I knew myself. The closing of her counseling services was like a death to me, so I still grieve. No matter, I am always thankful for her. 

 

 

Christmas Slump

It’s that time of the year and for days and weeks, maybe months now, we have all been gearing up for Christmas. There is a sense of joy as we celebrate the holiday season, decorating, a time of gift-giving, paying forward is a common occurrence, cooking delicious recipes as well as making batches of cookies and candies, families and friends coming together plus seeing the colorful lights and decorations strung around wherever we go. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Right?

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It really is wonderful to experience the joy mention but sadly many do not. Many do not know the true meaning of Christmas, representing the birth of Christ.

In myself, I do enjoy the season and everything about it, wishing I had more time to experience the lights, shows, etc., and while I have done so more this year, there is also a dread underlying within me because I know how it affects me after Christmas.

Christmas Ornaments on Wood BackgroundIn the holiday season, the vivid colors of red and green while other colors are splashed around, the decorations that adorn homes inside and out for all to admire, the ornaments that are hung with care while many have a memory or a story attached to share and perhaps a tear or two wiped, smelling the cookies and desserts baked plus enjoyed. There are so many joyous moments and then it all goes away, quicker than it came. Months of building hope, joy and love and then poof, it’s over.

Soon after Christmas Day or maybe after the new year, everything is taken down and put away until next year. Now everything seems bleak and dull. I find it is sad. I know with me, it takes me a couple of weeks to get back in the swing of things and adapt to the norm, awaiting for the next holiday but nothing compares to Christmas of the beauty and happiness all around.6F5E347F-259A-436B-967C-F476AC1B1D78

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) exists in many whether it be for the holidays or winter months moreso than the rest of the year perhaps due to less daylight and sunshine.

Depression hits more in the holiday season as we miss those no longer with us, our emotions are touched and memories seem to be heightened of the past and being unsure of the future. Hope is lost somewhat in the hustle and bustle within many.

Remember to notice and know yourself enough and to get medical help if needed. This happens for many and normal to feel the blues at times but not all the time. Take care of you through the most wonderful time of the year but also all year long.  The holiday blues happen.

0F88B310-D4DF-41E3-93D7-8B1242901DE9While most of us are going through the season with joy and excitement, let’s pay attention to those around us that may not be. Whether it be now or throughout the year, too; sometimes just a kind word, a pat on the arm or even a smile is a gift to some.  Feel free to share, it costs nothing.

Merry Christmas and may the year 2020 be the best ever.

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https://www.verywellmind.com/holiday-blues-4771716

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder

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Norma Jean

17F6EAA8-D249-4619-AE6C-269AC42D6CA3Last week was the last straw. My emotions had been on overload due to my training and basically stuffing the emotional turmoil within while on the job. No doubt we have all had to do this at times, otherwise we might get fired. It is hard to maintain a smile when tears are on the verge of breaking lose but you do what you have to do and I had to just that.

Discussing my training and what I endured with the co-workers, their moods, attitudes, etc., with my oldest sister on Messenger one evening, I felt rejected to the core.3F26103C-9C54-4B51-A860-4378850BF8DA

Not only did I feel rejection while training, my own sister did the same with me, I felt. I love her and we are closer than I am with my other siblings. I believe I will need to discuss with her of how this affected me. My sister is very involved at her church and there is an older woman that contacts her daily, if not more, which is fine. I am glad my sister is there for this woman and vice-versa. What is not fine is that over and over again when we are talking or messaging one another, if Norma Jean calls, she 2982E916-AEB2-4CB9-AE79-729854D8820Dimmediately says she needs to go, leaving me hanging.  I hate that. If I am in a middle of a message to her and this happens, I just go ahead and delete my message of whatever was on my mind, thinking what’s the use.  Typical of me as I have experienced this many times in life. What is the use, is usually my thought so I backoff, as this person or another just proved to me that I am not important to them.

41736280-3776-4A78-8F90-C7CC863CE47EWhile her rush to end our conversation has bothered me more than once but last week, more so. It triggered the rejection within me and I just cried, as again my emotions were raw.  I needed my sister. All I wrote was “goodbye.” No emojis or anything like normal. I needed her to hear me or read my woes and encourage me, which was non-existent. Norma Jean was more important, I felt. While I do know that is not one-hundred percent true, it sure felt like it.

Until afterward, I knew this has always bothered me but to add and feel the rejection, it made sense. It brought up rejection of her lack of interest in me, my training which was terrible with those employed and back to my childhood. To acknowledge and realize what was happening, it can bring a healing by being aware of it so it does not trigger the alarms within to make matters worse. This has been discussed numerous times in counseling and in my session the other night, it became more evident as tears poured from my eyes, the ugly cry, and realizing of past rejection, as I could not handle anymore.

While I do not want to cause an issue with my sister, I do plan to request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then message me due to the feeling of being rejected. Knowing ahead of time that she may not understand fully or may think I am being too sensitive or whatever, I have my boundaries and that is taking care of me.

F43B9C6F-EC66-48C5-BA63-97C03BF606A4Rejection after awhile builds a wall within relationships. It would be easy for me to just pull away from my sister and not say anything. This would prevent that I do not get hurt again but that’s not good.  If I did just that, as I have done in my past avoiding conflict, that is not fair to her, not knowing why.  I know I can politely express and request that she talk to Norma Jean first and then we can have our time of conversing and remain close since we live hours 21183E9E-DF51-474D-846C-431ABE842705away from one another, which is what I know we both would want. Plus, it is not fair for me to remain getting frustrated with her and Norma Jean. Neither of us are getting younger.

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