Always A Hitch

Yet again, I find that one thing leads to another, which is good but somewhat misleading. You get drawn in and then, here comes a sales pitch. If you do this and pay this fee monthly, I will do this and that for you and you will never be the same, totally worth it.

A guilt trip is added, but you deserve this for you, do this to be a better you, you will thank yourself, etc. While I get it, I get totally frustrated of being strung along and then BAM. Yes, it would be a good but so would the other program and another program, each one having a monthly fee. I do want to join to become a better me. Majority of the time, the same layout. When will I quit being pulled in and fall for the catch of them trying to get clients? Tonight’s fee was just $450.00 a month, a six-month program. A great deal, she said. No!

This class for the week, first three nights, were awesome. I absolutely loved it. It was like a continuation of my counseling years ago and stirred some emotions in me, which was good. I miss those hard, exhaustive sessions I had years ago at times that leave one depleted emotionally, but I grew within myself.

What ticked me off was a couple of things, besides this happening, a sales pitch. I was vulnerable in an email and shared how this time learning had affected me, as I stated. The fourth night, it starts off great and then it started, as a commercial for thirty minutes. While I understand, I should have known better days before, although I kinda did. I let my guard down and trust level was present. Angry with myself for allowing that to happen. Years ago, my counselor questioned why I didn’t trust others. Wonder why? Moments like this and I fall for it at the beginning and have at times jumped in and totally regretted, while losing money. It’s like the “L” hand sign on my forehead, Loser. Live and learn, right? Not this time.

Besides the anger I felt, it brought back other memories. Memories similar since I allowed myself to think back of my former counselor, that I still miss. When I was her client, on her Facebook business page, she offered programs that would have been nice to join. I could not join because I was her client. To sell her courses, of course, those also came as advertisements by the way of emails. The same holds true, I could not join. Each email or post, I felt it was like a slap in my face, like I was being rejected by her.

Dealing with rejection anyway, this did not help matters although I understood. I requested that I be taken off her email list for this reason. I do not have to subject myself to further pain. Although that decision I made hurt me in the end, as she officially closed her office and I did not know. A sad day it was when I drove past her office, it was my safe place for four years on a weekly basis and her signage removed. Now, not only feeling rejected but now abandoned. Devastated.

Of course, her groups also cost, which is understandable. Now that I am no longer a client, as she closed her office, I guess I could join. I don’t know, I was not offered and probably best. Now she is a coach. Everybody is an online coach nowadays, it seems. Unsure of the cost for her program(s) but it was a lot, if I remember correctly, but not as high as I was just offered. No! At least, no guilt trip.

A friend of mine that I often walk with also has a support group, she is a coach, too, which I could join but I will not. No! It’s only $39.00 a month. Really, there are all types of classes, groups, etc., that we can all join and they all have monthly fees. Again, understandable. It makes the world go around. It’s a business world.

Still, the last night of this class, it opened up an area that still affects me. The anger with myself of allowing to trust and enjoy but the slick move of the hitch attached was too much. Please do not guilt trip me to making me go in debt to the soothing tune that I deserve it, I am worthy enough, etc. I do and I am but I am also to use wisdom.

Otherwise, it is just digging a bigger hole to deal with the depression and anxiety of added expenses and probably thereafter a class on financial management would be needed. Wisdom.

They are all good and fine but there has to be a balance, too. I was really enjoying and wanted to grow in this one area. Yes, I can do it for the low cost of $450.00 a month. Immediately with her saying this price will never be this low again. Also, an often-used slogan. Should I or shouldn’t I? No! Further stated, next year will be $550.00 and following year $650.00 so jump on this price now. Sign up! Now! Plus, told that she spent $50,000.00 for her training in order to help us, to help me. I did not need to hear that comment. I get it but I am not doing it. No!

As much as I would like to have joined, I just cannot put forth that much money. I know it would help me, I know I am worthy but there are some things that you must let go of and just trust the Lord. He has brought me this far, He will be the one I will look to help me go further.

There are many online groups and local classes that I would like to take a part in, cost or no cost, but there are only so many commitments you can make. Choose wisely. Too many and you will burn out. If you have a family, it is time away from them.

Even though I am venting through this blog, it also made me aware of the anger that came up due to situations that still bother me. You know what? It’s okay! It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to say, “No Thank You.” As a thank you, a few days later, after I pondered this whole scenario, I sent an email stating I will not be joining and appreciated what online time we had together, wishing her well. No surprise, no reply, as I am not a monthly payment for her debt. It was a week of growth of knowing who I am, how it affected me and I am okay with my decision. No!

On a more personal note, it has taken me many years to get our family out of debt. Back in 2014-2018, my former counselor and I would discuss the stress this was putting on me. Drowning and I did not know how to dig myself out to move forward. So often I told her, I don’t know how. I did not see how it could happen, to be free of debt.

As I looked back and we talked, I caused a lot of this. Besides emotional eating, emotional purchasing is a thing, too. Depression and emotions can pull you down to where you feel there is no hope.

I can now recognize with the help she gave me, is when my emotions are trying to take over, how I am feeling and sensing, the desire to eat and the desire to buy. I know to pay attention to my thoughts, what am I telling myself, my emotions, my body. Just like the class mentioned above for $450.00 per month, my emotions were stirred. Stirred not only in learning but also grieving, as I missed my counselor. I needed to join. Everything she touched on was for me. I need it now, sign me up. Previously, I probably would have joined. It would have been good.

Thankfully, in late 2019, the debt was gone, just like that. Now it is me saying, Lord, I don’t know how you did that and led me to conquer such a mountain, but Thank You. An amazement in me, as that was a miracle. There’s a freedom I have not felt for a very long time, which is pushing me through an almost open door. Bring it on!

To bypass joining the class and knowing myself better and mostly of who I am in the Lord, I am a lot more aware of myself, happier and it is awesome. I wish I could share with my counselor.

In life, it’s hard at times. Through it all though, I know He knows my name and I know He knows where I am. What is exciting, He knows where I am going. No hitch attached, I just need to trust Him.

For you, He knows your name, He knows where you are and He knows where you are going. TRUST HIM ✝️

Strangers in the House

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As I walked to the kitchen, the song ‘Strangers in the Night’ came to mind. With me, I change words around in songs to set to my situation, and this was no different.

Many years ago, before we moved into our home, I designed it to be remodeled in the full basement in order for it to be an apartment if needed for our kids or if my 546DCE67-2347-4D37-93E2-9B36344F6A4Fmy in-laws had to move in on the main floor. Even though I love my in-laws, I still have my space to escape, as needed, if need be so I thought. Just thinking ahead when planning the layout. As the boys grew up, it worked wonderfully, as the boys and their friends had a kitchen, bathroom, beds or floor space to throw sleeping bags, as they played their video games. That’s all they need basically. At times, we had all their friends here and many stayed over off and on or a few for days, knowing they were always welcome. I would rather pay more in groceries to keep them all in a safe home than out roaming the streets or in homes that I knew little to nothing about. It was work but I miss those days being a short-order cook, with those fun, loud, stinky boys.7638EE81-D50B-47BB-8B6C-EFA52FD695E9

As the friends dwindled due to a driver’s license or moved on, so did my kiddos. College came and went, never for them to have our home address again. In a blink of an eye, the house was now quiet and cleaner, but I am alone. The sleep I longed for in their youth, I think I am all caught up and now wake at the break of dawn.

Little did I know or realize, this remodeling was really not for the kids or in-laws but for us as a couple, husband and wife. My sister and I call our house Apartment A and B. I’m in A and he is in B. It works but definitely not a normal, happy marriage.

What is normal?  What is a happy marriage suppose to be like? Over the years, I see other couples and they seem happy. Maybe they wore masks as we did for years attending church. Nobody ever knew or questioned the drift or the space on the pew between us. Often, I would look out over the crowd at a restaurant and notice couples, some are talking and some just sit in quiet and eat. We were part of that group in case they looked at us. I had made a comment in one of my counseling sessions about other couples being happy. Honestly, I saw that in most, just not mine. It was when my counselor snapped saying, “How do you know they are happy?” It was her tone that kind of made me back up and think I hit a nerve. So apparently things were not sweet and cuddly in her own home. Okay, never mind, let’s move on.

9F3E8DA1-DF77-4EA6-AB6F-C14B11E0E440Our interests, life itself, is non-existent between us. No love, no hate, just exist as I refer to it, as business partners, brother/sister relationship. Again, it works. There is no fighting. We do have that going for us. In earlier years, I wanted to fight by means of verbalizing, no hitting, but he would run away. Nothing solved, except me standing in my corner of the boxing ring, alone. After awhile, you give up, what’s the use.

Still, as I am humming my made-up song, hearing him downstairs, in his apartment, doing his own laundry of just how we are strangers in the house.

What life holds in store for either of us, only the Lord knows. I have no doubt that He gave me the remodeling plans in my mind and on paper many years ago of what we experience today. That’s God!

It is all in the way you look at things. While this is not the best, it is not the worst either. Not what I expected in a relationship or of a marriage but I am sure not for him either, perhaps.

80FFD5B4-11F9-4333-9D19-F053E5DDD2C2There is a lot of muddy water under the bridge but the bridge still stands as the storms of life tossed me for a loop many times and the thought of jumping over was considered at times. I don’t want to remain stuck in life expecting what will never be so I have and will walk forward and take care of me, which I have been doing. I cannot change the past or him and he has no desire to change.  I am only responsible for myself, my health and my happiness. I can truly say in that revelation, I am happier today.

Just as the Lord gave me remodeling plans years ago, I have to trust Him for remodeling plans for the future. For now, Strangers in the House is my theme song, which makes me smile, at times. Sometimes, cry.C0B26AA3-8A90-4209-98FF-2D17103F61A1

This is my story, we all have one and we all go through tough periods in life. No matter what decision is made, stay or go, run away or just give up in hopelessness, I do believe the Lord will get us to where we are each to be in life. We may hinder the process or change the route of God’s Will in our life, but it is no surprise to Him. Still, He knows where we are. That’s God!

Just this past week, dealing with some issues, I never thought this or said before, but he deserves happiness, too. We both do. Perhaps this is a step I needed to get to and feel hope of our future.

We have to trust the Lord, through the tears or in the smiles, sometimes with a mask. That’s faith!

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Small Doses

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Today, I was expecting nothing but a nice quiet day or at least most of the day in my home. Even though it is Memorial Day, my husband goes to play golf, no family was coming over so just a low-key day. It was short lived, guess it was too hot and understandably so. I tend to get more done when he is out of the house. There is a freedom, not a draining, boring, no laughter kind of day. Sad, isn’t it that I feel that way?

Yesterday, we spent the day in our son’s back yard to cut limbs and clean up so he can enjoy the property of his house rental. I love his back yard and during this pandemic of quarantine, we did not make trips, which is only an hour away. He did a lot on his own, which has been good for him and we just helped push him forward a little faster. It was a good, hot day to do this and it was nice to get away

Many times when we have days like this together, I have to bring things back down to existence between me and him. Existence of just married, basically a business partnership. For the most part, it works, financially, why not.

If I could live with previous years when it was so bad, really bad, I can deal with it now, as I continue to get clarity and get stronger within myself and put boundaries in place. Those days, as in yesterday, being together kinda sorta in a big yard, it seems he thinks we are a happily married couple. He will tell his parents or his chiropractor usually of what we did, putting a spin on what fun ‘we’ had. Over and over again I see this routine. Denial runs in his family so this just ranks right up there.E7C8824A-EBFD-4A9C-9871-3E9925BB6A68

The next day or week, he will say with such a sweet, soft and sickening voice, which is do you want to do this, want to go here or there, etc. No. No thank you. The same tone when he talked to our dog. This has been learned way to speak in order to relate to others, whether it be others, me or the dog. I feel mean when I say no thank you but, no. I can only handle him in small doses and yesterday that dosage was an overdose, and I must set my boundaries. You do your thing and I will do mine and we are both happy.

Now you are probably thinking, but he asked if you wanted to do this or that and was so nice. I have had that said to me more than once, because they do not understand what I am dealing with or have dealt with. Yes he was nice, and I was nice and said no thank you. To turn him down, you are probably thinking I am just a mean old witch. Have you walked in my shoes? Have you felt emotionally ignored in a marriage? There is more than shopping or hearing his intellectual murmurings of whatever is of interest to him that would make one bang their head on a brick wall. There is no connection, no emotional support, no real marriage. It is just an existence of two people under one roof, thankfully space between us.F4B70A60-0470-4F0C-BE52-4CED85FFC72B

If you have read any of my writings, I have mentioned Aspergers. After years and years of not knowing what was wrong, taking it all upon myself that it was me. He is the intelligent one, and he will tell you just that, so it must be me, I’m stupid. He will walk away from an issue that needs both of our attention and I need his input. He hears my tone getting a bit higher because he has ignored previous attempts, so he walks away. So again it’s me, my fault. If I make a wrong decision, it’s my fault, AA7E7170-ADD1-4266-A47B-599FA436D694which is too much pressure. To see him look at other women, I am not pretty or sexy enough. To call him out on it and each time deny although I watched this play out a million times, same result. So it must be me, I am seeing things, making it up, feeling like I am crazy.  Shall I go on? Too fat, ugly, fat and depressed will add just several more areas dealt with. Years and years of this, it does makes one feel crazy.

Had it not been for my former counselor in 2014 to recognize what I was expressing, I really do not know where I would be today. Twenty-five years of not knowing and feeling the craziness can take a toll on a person’s emotional, physical,  mental and spiritual life. You just exist from day to day with no joy.

Sadly, this is very typical in marriages when one has Aspergers and the spouse is a neurotypical. It is a crazy-making life.

So if a friend or family member confides in you, needing to vent and need you to hear them, listen. If any of this sounds familiar, don’t just say it is married life, it will get better, etc. Just maybe, this is Aspergers.

Too much time together, is too much time together.

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