Boundaries

You Drain Me

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There are moments in life that happen, whether expected or unexpected, and your physical body and emotions cannot carry anymore. You need a break, you need rest.

These moments of time spent and caring for yourself to take time to withdraw, makes the mental toll on one also. Now there are the lies we hear within that we are lazy.

Years, I let that lie heap upon me due to my situation. It was not until I told my counselor years ago, and she gave me the gift of knowing it was okay to nap, to rest. I was exhausted from it all. Again, a free gift that meant the world to me, as it lifted a load off of me and gave me a freedom.

Now, as a new chapter emerges in my life and family situation, I have had to endure my time with one that drained me before. While I can limit my time and understand that I can leave, it helps. I have noticed though, within me, that the day after of spending any amount of time with this one, I am exhausted yet again. It is like I need to recharge until the next expected time I need to be present.

This is such a draining on me and so pattern-like that I want no more. Reminding myself… Just a little bit longer, as I am almost at the finish line.

Then I can walk away. You drain me.

Seems Longer

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I was sent an old photo today from my oldest son, eleven years ago, his last year of college. One of those pop up photos on Facebook, of the four of us.

Eleven years ago! It seems like so much longer. Unsure if that is a good statement or not. What I did see was my family, but much more. The boys have matured so much and so much has happened in those eleven years. Thankfully, mostly good.

What I glanced at and tried not to go deep in thought, was me in this photo. Here I am writing about it. Sadness. I was desperate for help and clarity in my life. Depression knocking at my door daily. My boys were growing up, one in college. The other one lost in his own decisions about life and direction. His so-called friends did not help matters and I had to be the bully mom to stand up through some ordeals.

In me, I saw the heaviest of weight on my body, the sadness in my eyes, even though the mask worn was happy to those in my path to see only the best.

There was so much wrong in my situation, and even in this photo but I shut down from sharing. Tackling the lack of trust and actually who would believe me. I was stuck in a performance in life to portray a happy family life and marriage. I was dying.

How many around us can be in the same situation, alone and physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually dying? Odds are, the percentage is higher than you would think.

I always heard, Everything that glitters, is not gold. While I did not have a glittering life, I knew the fragments were there but definitely hidden. Still, I/we were blessed.

Eleven years later, I’m not the same. I had to hold on tight in many instances and stick to some tough love with my boys. I am happy I survived for them. I am a survivor!

There are situations in life, you have to decide whether to hold on or let go. Sometimes, both.

Psalm 139

Lord, you have examined me
and know all about me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I get up.
You know my thoughts before I think them.
3 You know where I go and where I lie down.
You know everything I do.
4 Lord, even before I say a word,
you already know it.
5 You are all around me—in front and in back—
and have put your hand on me.
6 Your knowledge is amazing to me;
it is more than I can understand.

7 Where can I go to get away from your Spirit?
    Where can I run from you?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there.
    If I lie down in the grave, you are there.
9 If I rise with the sun in the east
    and settle in the west beyond the sea,
10 even there you would guide me.
    With your right hand you would hold me.

11 I could say, “The darkness will hide me.
    Let the light around me turn into night.”
12 But even the darkness is not dark to you.
    The night is as light as the day;
    darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made my whole being;
    you formed me in my mother’s body.
14 I praise you because you made me in an amazing and wonderful way.
    What you have done is wonderful.
    I know this very well.
15 You saw my bones being formed
    as I took shape in my mother’s body.
When I was put together there,
16 you saw my body as it was formed.
All the days planned for me
    were written in your book
    before I was one day old.

17 God, your thoughts are precious to me.
    They are so many!
18 If I could count them,
    they would be more than all the grains of sand.
When I wake up,
    I am still with you.

19 God, I wish you would kill the wicked!
Get away from me, you murderers!
20 They say evil things about you.
Your enemies use your name thoughtlessly.
21 Lord, I hate those who hate you;
I hate those who rise up against you.
22 I feel only hate for them;
they are my enemies.

23 God, examine me and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any bad thing in me.
Lead me on the road to everlasting life.

Always A Hitch

ponderingmissylouLeave a comment

Yet again, I find that one thing leads to another, which is good but somewhat misleading. You get drawn in and then, here comes a sales pitch. If you do this and pay this fee monthly, I will do this and that for you and you will never be the same, totally worth it.

A guilt trip is added, but you deserve this for you, do this to be a better you, you will thank yourself, etc. While I get it, I get totally frustrated of being strung along and then BAM. Yes, it would be a good but so would the other program and another program, each one having a monthly fee. I do want to join to become a better me. Majority of the time, the same layout. When will I quit being pulled in and fall for the catch of them trying to get clients? Tonight’s fee was just $450.00 a month, a six-month program. A great deal, she said. No!

This class for the week, first three nights, were awesome. I absolutely loved it. It was like a continuation of my counseling years ago and stirred some emotions in me, which was good. I miss those hard, exhaustive sessions I had years ago at times that leave one depleted emotionally, but I grew within myself.

What ticked me off was a couple of things, besides this happening, a sales pitch. I was vulnerable in an email and shared how this time learning had affected me, as I stated. The fourth night, it starts off great and then it started, as a commercial for thirty minutes. While I understand, I should have known better days before, although I kinda did. I let my guard down and trust level was present. Angry with myself for allowing that to happen. Years ago, my counselor questioned why I didn’t trust others. Wonder why? Moments like this and I fall for it at the beginning and have at times jumped in and totally regretted, while losing money. It’s like the “L” hand sign on my forehead, Loser. Live and learn, right? Not this time.

Besides the anger I felt, it brought back other memories. Memories similar since I allowed myself to think back of my former counselor, that I still miss. When I was her client, on her Facebook business page, she offered programs that would have been nice to join. I could not join because I was her client. To sell her courses, of course, those also came as advertisements by the way of emails. The same holds true, I could not join. Each email or post, I felt it was like a slap in my face, like I was being rejected by her.

Dealing with rejection anyway, this did not help matters although I understood. I requested that I be taken off her email list for this reason. I do not have to subject myself to further pain. Although that decision I made hurt me in the end, as she officially closed her office and I did not know. A sad day it was when I drove past her office, it was my safe place for four years on a weekly basis and her signage removed. Now, not only feeling rejected but now abandoned. Devastated.

Of course, her groups also cost, which is understandable. Now that I am no longer a client, as she closed her office, I guess I could join. I don’t know, I was not offered and probably best. Now she is a coach. Everybody is an online coach nowadays, it seems. Unsure of the cost for her program(s) but it was a lot, if I remember correctly, but not as high as I was just offered. No! At least, no guilt trip.

A friend of mine that I often walk with also has a support group, she is a coach, too, which I could join but I will not. No! It’s only $39.00 a month. Really, there are all types of classes, groups, etc., that we can all join and they all have monthly fees. Again, understandable. It makes the world go around. It’s a business world.

Still, the last night of this class, it opened up an area that still affects me. The anger with myself of allowing to trust and enjoy but the slick move of the hitch attached was too much. Please do not guilt trip me to making me go in debt to the soothing tune that I deserve it, I am worthy enough, etc. I do and I am but I am also to use wisdom.

Otherwise, it is just digging a bigger hole to deal with the depression and anxiety of added expenses and probably thereafter a class on financial management would be needed. Wisdom.

They are all good and fine but there has to be a balance, too. I was really enjoying and wanted to grow in this one area. Yes, I can do it for the low cost of $450.00 a month. Immediately with her saying this price will never be this low again. Also, an often-used slogan. Should I or shouldn’t I? No! Further stated, next year will be $550.00 and following year $650.00 so jump on this price now. Sign up! Now! Plus, told that she spent $50,000.00 for her training in order to help us, to help me. I did not need to hear that comment. I get it but I am not doing it. No!

As much as I would like to have joined, I just cannot put forth that much money. I know it would help me, I know I am worthy but there are some things that you must let go of and just trust the Lord. He has brought me this far, He will be the one I will look to help me go further.

There are many online groups and local classes that I would like to take a part in, cost or no cost, but there are only so many commitments you can make. Choose wisely. Too many and you will burn out. If you have a family, it is time away from them.

Even though I am venting through this blog, it also made me aware of the anger that came up due to situations that still bother me. You know what? It’s okay! It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to say, “No Thank You.” As a thank you, a few days later, after I pondered this whole scenario, I sent an email stating I will not be joining and appreciated what online time we had together, wishing her well. No surprise, no reply, as I am not a monthly payment for her debt. It was a week of growth of knowing who I am, how it affected me and I am okay with my decision. No!

On a more personal note, it has taken me many years to get our family out of debt. Back in 2014-2018, my former counselor and I would discuss the stress this was putting on me. Drowning and I did not know how to dig myself out to move forward. So often I told her, I don’t know how. I did not see how it could happen, to be free of debt.

As I looked back and we talked, I caused a lot of this. Besides emotional eating, emotional purchasing is a thing, too. Depression and emotions can pull you down to where you feel there is no hope.

I can now recognize with the help she gave me, is when my emotions are trying to take over, how I am feeling and sensing, the desire to eat and the desire to buy. I know to pay attention to my thoughts, what am I telling myself, my emotions, my body. Just like the class mentioned above for $450.00 per month, my emotions were stirred. Stirred not only in learning but also grieving, as I missed my counselor. I needed to join. Everything she touched on was for me. I need it now, sign me up. Previously, I probably would have joined. It would have been good.

Thankfully, in late 2019, the debt was gone, just like that. Now it is me saying, Lord, I don’t know how you did that and led me to conquer such a mountain, but Thank You. An amazement in me, as that was a miracle. There’s a freedom I have not felt for a very long time, which is pushing me through an almost open door. Bring it on!

To bypass joining the class and knowing myself better and mostly of who I am in the Lord, I am a lot more aware of myself, happier and it is awesome. I wish I could share with my counselor.

In life, it’s hard at times. Through it all though, I know He knows my name and I know He knows where I am. What is exciting, He knows where I am going. No hitch attached, I just need to trust Him.

For you, He knows your name, He knows where you are and He knows where you are going. TRUST HIM ✝️