Despondent

How do you reach out when someone won’t let you reach in to help them?

I don’t know. I am a loss of how to do this with my own independent, grown child. I know there is something going on for him to be so distant. Breaking down the wall is like hell. I have tried to encourage him, expressed my concerns, hug him, pray for him and that is ongoing. The spiritual warfare in his life that I believe is happening, too, is pushing me in emotional bouts many times and fear that I have to constantly fight off and rebuke.3946f751-ac17-4c3c-912b-e2fc8617dc1c-580-0000001b98a7d097

Knowing full well that he is so much like me, I find myself angry at myself.  I understand the wall and isolation.  I know what it is like to be despondent while I work out issues.  I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed.  I do understand him and this is not a very easy or comfortable place to be.  Thankfully, I know I have to turn it over and ask the Lord to help me but does he?  I can pray and comment of just that but until he is ready to do that, the struggle remains.

As a mom, we will fight through hell and high water for our child(ren), taking a toil on us but that is a mother. Still the thoughts come that we are not doing enough and guilt is thrown in our face of not doing enough, have being a good enough mother and every other negative accusation possible. That is definitely the enemy at work. Bind and rebuke. Although it gets tiring, we must fight and push through.  Keep pushing through mama! While writing this to maybe encourage others, reminding myself, too.

I am unsure what all my son is dealing with but it must be a mountain to him. I feel it. I hurt for him. Knowing he can get through this, I wait. My faith and trust in the Lord to do what He must do in this situation, I wait.

I will reach out but my son has a choice to reach back out to me. He has a choice to seek the Lord and call upon Him.

I can nag, point my finger, show my Bible and demand church attendance but that would even push me away, even now as an adult but I can pray. I can and I do, sometimes begging the Lord to change the circumstances, as something is wrong.

Independence in life is needed and normal and I know he knows I am always here for him, his biggest cheerleader. The balance of enough to not enough contact is tricky, as I do not want him to feel forgotten, far from that.

As long as I can remain in peace feeling that the Lord has this, I am good but continue to pray. Always. When the enemy starts his game plan, I get in there and I fight. This spiritual warfare is on. I am not letting go of my son, my child.

Parenting is a blessing but can be so hard. It does not end at the legal age of eighteen but a lifetime of care, concern and prayers.

3738cb1a-bf6c-4bc1-a047-a65b0fd4a10d-580-0000001af60e7147Pray for God’s hedge of protection around them, their jobs, finances, friendships, etc., daily, wisdom, knowledge and the Favor of God to be upon them.

Do they know just how much we love them? A reminder that we need to remember how much God loves each one of us. ❤️

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The Battle

89147F07-4824-4232-9126-8B1356ECBF98I feel the battle is on. A spiritual warfare that a mother will fight for her son (children), in my case a grown son, at that. My gut instinct for weeks proved right when an unexpected visit from me after much avoidance. My determination was to knock and stay at his door until he came home, opened the door or possibly call the police if need be.  Fear overwhelmed me for days, not knowing if I would find my son alive or dead, especially that night. Not what a mother needs to consider but was a possibility.

To finally have the door open after hesitation on his part, I was lost in emotion as I hugged him.  A mothers heart will do that, fall apart from happiness and even anger. As I sat next to him, saying what I felt, he promised to stay in touch but day after day, his word failed yet again.  As I sat next to him, he did not hesitate to lay his head on my shoulder.  He needed his mom just as much.  As we sat there talking, he shared just enough with me of what was he was dealing with due to pride and independence.

315095BC-9F72-4024-8A48-CD9E920035EBI just have to pray as tears flow still, fight the worry and thoughts that pop in my mind, as I try to trust the Lord fully.  But, Lord, PLEASE!

As a mother, we have to cut the apron stings, which is normal and with mileage in between our homes, that was necessary. He is grown but he is still my boy.  It is probably a good thing with the distance but it feels as though he is a million miles away.  We each have our own life of work, commitments, etc., to tend to so I cannot helicopter parent him.  Of course, that is not normal.   I have to keep my faith in God.  So hard to do at times.

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Being a parent is such a blessing, all ages, but so hard at times.  God wants each of us to look to Him. Perhaps that is where we are in this matter, my son has to make a choice.

5F96671E-FD72-43F9-9232-BDCB2FD7134COf what I know with what is before him, he has to work through this.  I cannot do it for him.  We had a rough patch a few years back and he did get through it and learned a valuable lesson in the process.  That’s life and how it should be, and I was so proud of him.  I’m always proud but the anguish is overriding.  We are at the crossroads again, I feel.

Faith ▪️ Hope ▪️ Love

 

Heart Pangs

 

3B1CA3BD-C2A4-479B-ACB2-C1331E04C01AAs a mother, no doubt each of us as a little girl dreamed of being one. The anticipation of dating, kissing, falling in love, marriage and then comes a baby carriage. Bet you are thinking or singing the little ditty of a song that goes along with this dream.

It happens, although sometimes backwards these days, but for the most part in line as it should. I loved being pregnant, well the first three months were a little queasy but then easy sailing as my belly grew and my love developed for this child within each time.

At birth my faith grew as only God could make this beautiful creation be so perfect.

Life takes over with home, caring for parents, another D2871576-F428-4AD6-B19A-6AEA5F5734D2child, school, sports, illnesses, etc.  Then the next is that they are off to college and maybe never to return back home.  Their bedroom sits empty and the noises and smelly socks and shoes are gone, in my case.  Just memories last and pride bursts through of their independence and success.

C4AA06D0-6213-4B53-96F3-DE5D94EC1136No matter how tall they get or where they go in life, this child I carried within and in my arms will always be in my heart.  When they hurt, I hurt.  Letting go to allow life and its lessons bash them is more than a mother can withstand. Is it paybacks of what we did to our mothers perhaps?  Just as a toddler walking, they fall and get back up. Same with an adult child.  Knowing this period brings growth in them, it swallows us up in fear.

8D13C480-35A6-4B25-A290-74F9AE87F54AAs a mother, I know that I can pray for God to cover my child with His protection.  Praying continuously.  To bring Christians in their path to speak hope and life when hearing their mom over and over again, goes in one ear and out the other.  Still, I am the biggest cheerleader in their life and always will be. My love is everlasting.

To know my love is that deep for my child(ren), just imagine and just take it in as to how deep God‘s Love is for us.  💕Amazing!

 

 

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Mum, Mother

6CE19055-E875-4DD2-8086-5D8FE4D508C3It’s Mothers Day! To each of you, Happy Mother’s Day. 💕

While this day is called out for mothers of which I am, I find it to be one of the most depressing days of the year. Let’s move on!

I know I am not the only one that feels this way, as I have read too much through the years. It could be a number of reasons why, such as loss of your own mother and feeling the grief, loss of a child that brings memories and an emptiness in your arms, perhaps forgotten by your own children due to their busy lives or whatever reason, it sucks. It just brings a depressing feeling and on a rainy day.

Even if my children would make a big thing of this day, I am unsure how I would handle. With my oldest being married now, I have been told over and over by my boss that once a son takes a wife, I will lose a son. I felt it last year and again this year.

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Different times today, I had to fight the thoughts that I did not do my job as a mother to help them recognize such days or perhaps I was a terrible mother and don’t deserve such recognition. Remember, I said fight.

While I did not have a lot of time to make such days special, I recognized them on their birthdays, etc. Usually, I was too busy to care about the other special days, such as today, so I did a disservice to myself and they know I can get through these days. As for being a mom, I have bent over backward and still do, plus I did do a decent job as well as stay in an unhappy marriage to make sure they had the best instead of struggling financially or have no direction or supervision. So those negative thoughts were just that. I know what I have had to go through.

0307DBD6-1E15-4D3B-A82B-F3913A1AB0D9So this quiet, rainy and subdued day after church, I took a long nap. I will finish my day preparing for my work week and be happier when I open my eyes in the morning, as I made it through. Being a mother is one of the best, fulfilling positions in life, ever. Sometimes though, it has been and it is hard. Still, I would drop anything to do for them. They have been my life and reason for living.

As I write, I did get a call from my oldest and an expected text from my youngest.  I do know they love me and appreciate me.  Something I have said many times through the years, ‘Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs but the most rewarding.’  I am blessed to be called Mom.

Be Present in the Moment

99945BE3-FF9F-4679-9A88-5A64A14E6702So many of us are apt to grab our cell phones to video or snap a pic to capture our kids performing, or a selfie of all while they are with is at a dinner or a family gathering, when we see something pretty, etc. While that is all perfect and fine to keep the memories alive but to be present in the moment is worth more and touches your own heart.

The other night I was so reminded of this fact. I did the exact thing mentioned as my husband and I drove through the Christmas lights that is a popular park to go through during the holiday season in our area. It was absolutely beautiful and some areas more than the others. Impressive.

Something I had wanted to do for years but nobody else did, so we or I didn’t.

As we drove and admired the synchronized lights flash to the tune of the radio station programmed, I was in awe. The little girl within me came alive, too, with joy. What a night it was to take time to drive the distance and go through the maze of lights.

Hanging out the windows somewhat as other children 07B9A640-9930-4AC6-9167-6BE826CBE793were, and adults also, I noticed the feelings within of the little girl that I lost long ago. Being old now, part of me could have just broke down and cried a river because I have had such a hard time connecting to my inner child, but I did while doing this simple act of slowing down and taking time.  We all have an inner child.

Connecting to that inner child, we not only experience the joy and fun, but also have fun and sense it within. I felt the child raise up inside me, if just for a little bit.  This was a breakthrough for me. In the inner child, we can also find answers to past trauma that has been buried deep within and with proper care and attention, healing will come. That night though, I need joy.

As I was taking pics with my cell phone in order to keep and perhaps share on Facebook, of course, certain times my light would come on, flash, and possibly distort the pic or annoy the car in front of us, no doubt. For the life of me, I did not know how to turn that flash off.

Just thirty minutes before, while waiting to start the light show, I skimmed my posts on Facebook. You know, just in case I needed to know what another person is doing, etc. This one therapy, encouragement post though was about being in the moment and how we must … Enjoy it!  I needed that and so glad I grabbed onto those words when I did.

Of course, after many attempts of finding the right icon to flip the light flash off, without success, I missed some of the lights while seeing them kinda sorta but not really enjoying them. The post I just read at the beginning popped in my head, which said, ‘enjoy the moment, take it in.’

img_0359With that, I put my phone away and did just that while even saying aloud, ‘be in the moment.’  I did! I noticed the joy and excitement grow within me as an old lady admiring the beauty of it all and appreciating the talent that went in to make this production happen.  Most rewarding was when my inner child that could sense the excitement of Christmas and joy she once felt as a child, which made it all worthwhile.

As adults, we need to learn to stop and play along the way.  Work is important and family, too, but we lose ourselves many times.  Sadly, sometimes many of us drown out trauma and abuse with many things to avoid the deep recesses in our lives.   I am no exception, I forgot how to play and enjoy life around me and I avoided areas through the years.

Go do something fun. If just jumping in mud puddles, blowing bubbles, making snow angels, take time to drive around to see or through Christmas lights, etc., as the child within needs to do just that. Have fun!img_0328

Lesson learned that night, as I plan to not make excuses of not doing fun things and to put the cell phone away and be in the moment.

Do it! Feel it! Enjoy it!

🎄 Merry Christmas 🎄

… Am I Special?

Numerous times through my life I get to this point of wondering, in a certain situations, plus I feel a panic within because I don’t feel special.  Those negative thoughts emerge of not feeling loved, etc.

Whether we are young or old, we all want to feel special and should make it a point of making others feel special.

fa8e3947-a071-4e73-a7f3-3c588c3d7ea9-495-00000017993225c5Knowing this is a childhood issue that seems to be on the verge of healing within me but still it just stops in a panic, as tears always begin rolling down my face.  I cannot get past this point.

Something caused this many, many years ago and here I am and it still stops me in my tracks.  What made me feel so bad back then?

All a little girl wants is to feel special and loved.  Apparently, at some point that died within me.  Existence became the norm.  I understand how to exist but love, there I am hesitant and question its validity.

The past few days, I have been reading a book, “Think This Not That” by Rita A. Schultz, LPC.   My counselor talked many times about the neurons that can be rewired within our brain so this was a book that I knew would be relevant and carry on her information.

I totally recommend this book.  Today though, I hit a section called Breaking Free.  This chapter dealt with shame, the meaning, what it is, how it affects us, etc.  At the Breaking Free section within the chapter on shame, it brought back a remembrance and I just broke.  Big, hot tears flowed.  I had to put the book down to take care of me and my emotional turmoil within. As I write this, the tears well up again and fall.

Shame causes much pain and heartache, not even knowing it.   I really was lost and unsure what shame was when I started with my counselor.  A wise woman, as my counselor, helped me to see so many things clearer and that of shame.  How did I get so old and not realize all those years, I have been dealing with shame-based lies and the torment is presents?  Thank God I had her in my life to help me.

Something happened but to pinpoint it today, is a mystery.   I do know the Lord is healing me and this is no mistake I am reading this book, too. Just a little deeper into the mire of shame that has been heaped upon my head as a child and carried through adulthood.

When the Breaking Free section I read, I remembered when my counselor and I talked last, before her leave of absence, she said to me and I wrote about it earlier, “I care for you and I love you.”54775180-765f-4786-b227-cee1e0ac83eb-495-0000001666283ad2

In my mind and like I have questioned others when they  have said such to me or similar and that is, “but… did you tell the others (clients, people, etc.) the same?   Knowing, if so, I can dismiss the heartfelt words as I am not special. Too good to be true!

Just that thought of questioning their care and love for me and the possibility it said or expressed to another/others, my heart sinks within.  I truly hate when that occurs within me, it’s like all hope is gone.

Please love me, make me feel like I am special to you.

Oh my heart wants to believe and know without a doubt that I am special, cared for and loved.

I do and I don’t and repeat, at times.

Funny, this book mentioned is basically about turning the thoughts around, as I was being taught and now reinforced.  Like, I am doubting of being special and loved.   To turn it around and rewire my brain, I must believe and tell myself that I know she (counselor, in this instance) does in fact care for me, how could she not love me and I know I am special to her.  This brings peace to my heart and soul. 7A858015-0E7E-434D-9386-A279EF302AFB

I like that and want to stay here.  Hoping that rewiring works!   So many times we have discussed such in counseling.  I do know she cares.  Seriously, how could she not love me after four years of sessions weekly or more.  I am special to her, as she is to me.

Knowing full well, she has to maintain her role as my counselor still while on leave.  There’s a boundary that must be maintained although I so miss her and our time talking.

Not just her, there is one that I also remembered today in the same situation.  Jan is a well-known figure in our area and she was like a mother figure to me, especially after my mother passed.  If it had not been for her, her hugs and all, my grief and dealing with other things in my life, my marriage dying also, I cannot imagine what I would have done.  Her care and love proved itself to me during those dark days of my life.

0E8E6586-CCB7-4F5E-9E2E-6CFDF560210EI do believe the Lord places people in our lives at the right time to get us through a path we are walking.  As for the counselor, I was not ready for that to end.  I felt abandoned.  Still dealing with that but to rewire my mind and know it was necessary of this leave for her, I know she still cares and probably wonders how I am doing.  I hope so, ant not forgotten.

With Jan, in her public role, she is thought of by so many and she loves everyone.  I had a hard time with that at certain points because I wanted to feel special to her.  How can she love them, she loves me.  The chaos that can bring in my mind was torment.  Again, somewhere in my childhood, this is left dangling and I was hurt.

Today, it is possible and I know that, to care for others.  It is just sorting this out.  Perhaps bringing me to the point of healing of a deep wound within.  I’m so open for that.

c7d7b775-af1a-45f4-aac1-4d4a08cac7c6-495-0000001cf5eb797bUnderstanding and seeing this pattern also, I have people that mean a lot to me, as I am well liked and I am very personable.  So I know it is possible.

It’s the WHY inside me that I need to feel special whether to my counselor or to Jan, just two as examples.  Why do I fall apart when I start questioning them?  Lord, show me!

Narrowing down, I want to know where the root is at and where and when it started and dig it out.  I desire healing of this hole in my heart and to be whole.

Most importantly, I know I AM SPECIAL TO GOD, that’s all that matters anyway. ❤️

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Mother, May I?

Here am I, another year older today, in fact.  I’m old.  Still my heart lingers to have and receive love that was never given to me.   While I now understand some of the dynamics of how and the whys, my yearning for a mother-daughter love will go to the grave with me.

Years of counseling, delving into my childhood issues, we hit on a lot of important issues and so many I never knew, just knowing through life, I was missing love, not fully understanding why.

Somebody, please love me!BE7B396F-90A4-4B9B-89B2-E493595655D0

Looking back, I do not remember as a child be snuggled or loved on.  Realizing I was the last child of seven and fully taking it as an oops baby, and after seven years from my sibling.  I knew and just accepted that life was busy with the others and just existed.  While I existed and took it all in stride, I was left reeling for much-needed love and attention.

I became very independent as a child and put in responsible positions, even at the age of six.  I was used for babysitting that early and on my own, for one or more children.  I would not even consider doing such for my boys, but they did me.  I got the job done, the babies and kids loved me, as I was a kid myself.  I was very dependable and loved the opportunity, while now knowing they used and basically abused me in that fashion.  No six year old, much less younger than twelve, should be placed in that position.

Scary enough, while bringing this up, I remember using a gas stove that had to start by a match, in order to heat up a bottle of milk.  I tried it but was so unsure of myself and probably one reason fire scares me to this day.  Thankfully, I was smart enough to run the bottle under hot water to do the same.  I could have blown us up and the building.  It didn’t help that I let this baby, another time, roll off the couch.  They trusted me.  Nuts!

Back to the other, still trying to understand when, where and why this all happened to me, I found I was drawn to other motherly figures.  Most that I was drawn to, I realized a pattern, they gave me attention, they talked to me, wanting to know me, I was able to sit next to them and that I did.  I could not get close enough, just let my arm touch yours was my secure attachment that flooded my heart with love.  I needed that closeness.

To this day, I still like that or the feeling of one to pat my arm or back as in, thata girl, or I am proud of you, you are special, I care.  If I felt a closeness to you, a motherly sense, you could probably hit me (just using this as an example) and I would be fine.  Why?  Because whether it be a pat on the back, your hand touching my arm, etc., I can burn that image and that feeling in my mind to pull up afterward whether it be soon after, days or years.  I needed that touch.  I needed to know you cared enough to do that.   Silly I know but my heart, my mind and my soul yearns for love.

D3A6883D-047C-477D-9EF4-C7B54A43C5FDWhat was it that caused disconnection between my mom and I?  I may never know.  While I know she was my mother, I was her daughter, I am in the family, there was something missing between us.

Years and years and still, although less nowadays, I clung to others in that role or similar.  Often in my mind trying to relay to another, hoping they would read my mind.  My mind screaming within, ‘Please Hug Me’ as my love bank was low. 08C8C495-E9E2-423E-9036-9AB60F1F26B4

The void of love given to me was lost somewhere and how sad that is of not knowing yet where.

Mother?  May I … receive your love, your hugs, your snuggles, your care, your attention, your hand to pat me of thata girl, to be interested in me, to encourage me, to brag on me, just hold me, to tell me how much you loved me over and over again?

Mom, while you were there within my reach, I just existed.  Why?

Today, I am understanding and also healing but most importantly, trusting the Lord.

I know without a doubt that He loves me, I feel His Love, He is with me at all times and that He will never leave me.  ❤️