Overwhelmed

Have you ever heard the saying, I have so much to do that I don’t have time to die? I have a plaque hanging in my attic bedroom relating to that quote. 60B33F47-76BB-4593-AE7C-7B7F835D5AC8 I have had it for years because not only is it funny, I feel it to be true. Too much to do. End result, if and when death happens, it does not matter. Humor helps when the stress of life seems to swallow one up.

Many times this week, I have been faced with the fact I need to do or that, etc., feeling overwhelmed and panic sets in. The panic of freezing because I do not know where to begin. Chaos takes over in my mind and I become stuck out of unknowingly what to do, fear of dealing with some issues and just plain thoughts of ignoring and that maybe it will go away.

I will face it all and begin but I think I will write about it all for now. Procrastination at its finest, just because.

When I started my present job many years ago, I was completely overwhelmed. It was out of my league I guess you could say. Knowing I can organize and bring order to an office so that it will run efficient is a talent I have. Some offices need my help. In all my years, I had never had an office job to make me cry but tears would fall at this one, early on, due to the amount of work plus long hours of staying late while others were home enjoying their family or perhaps already in bed.

2BF3F1BF-5C85-46AA-B6DE-79A1BEBBBF33To this day, I still have on my bulletin board above my desk that reads, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” That was what helped me tackle the files in front of me day after day and some nights; one file at a time. Well, crying out to the Lord oftentimes of I need your help, direction and wisdom to get me through, or how can I make this better, etc. Today, my office run smoothly and very orderly but it did not happen overnight.

This week dealing with a health issue that put fear on me of death and the thought I do not have time to die, I realized I need to get some things in order. Last night I was informed of another matter that will affect me, I again realized that I need to get real serious of doing the same. The alarm is going off in my mind and it is time to problem solve yet again to bring order, not in my office but life. Pressure to push through when I would rather procrastinate and keep my head in the sand or feel like child and have a temper tantrum. Again, my quote came to mind of “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” And again, crying out with Lord I need your help, direction and wisdom.

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If we do nothing, nothing gets done. Taking that first step, making an effort and pushing through will bring results. So if you are feeling overwhelmed as I am now or have been or later will be in a situation, know first off that the Lord knows where you are.

811F460B-9F1D-4726-8CDC-33587BE13524No matter if you feel as though you are begging for His help, and we often do, but direction and wisdom in an area that needs attention to go forward in an area or in a perhaps stupid mistake you caused, He knows already.  He is there for me, you and each of us. He wants us to call upon Him.

If the quote helps you, use it, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

We all get overwhelmed at times. The head in the sand trick will only cause more issues. Deal with whatever and move on.

A-Fib Fear

BDC8A620-C316-4C94-B67F-AA2AEE76FC56Can you tell by the title that I hate a-fib? I was diagnosed with this back in 2007 after realizing my numb ear and right side of my face felt funny, like no feeling at all and then a ringing in my ear that continues. Going to my son’s ENT, I passed with flying colors in my hearing test but he felt a MRI was needed. Done. When results were in, I was called to come back to the office, which I thought was odd. Taking time off work to do so caused stress in an already stressful job. As I sat there listening to the ENT, he felt I had MS so now I need to see a neurologist, which is more time.

The first neurologist available was one I could not understand and there was limited communication due to the language barrier. Although, I did understand her quick and pointed comments like, you had stroke. Well, I was certainly not expecting that. Now I needed to see a cardiologist. Does it ever end? After being against talking Coumadin (warfarin) for clotting purposes, now I would be afraid not to take it along with meds to control palpitations.

BEDE4EFD-64F3-4C0F-AC37-D1D0A8C4A414I have had my share of palpitations that have lasted for over twelve hours with my heartbeat being over 200. Then other times of the same, I do go to the ER and usually I go back into rhythm on the ride to the hospital so a wasted trip or the doctor says to go back home and wait it out. What is correct? While I prefer to not go to the ER, I know sometimes it is needed and that usually takes a three-day stay. Like I have said, I have experienced it all, even ambulance rides, if my heartbeat is high enough, I get the siren, too.

I have not had an episode for a couple of years. Strangely enough, my last two were in the month of May. Today is May 18th so what is it about May, I wonder. I was doing well today, decided to take a nap and woke up in a-fib. Great. Ugh.

There is a fear, although my heartbeat was only 135, that is more than normal. Can you imagine 220? Not fun at all.

49EC6B43-06A7-4F73-A09B-459EB1702051Today, waiting and trying things to relax and cope, I sensed fear. Afraid to be up on my feet due to possibility of passing out. It is in these times, you think of the ‘what if’ moments, as this could turn bad and take me out of this world.

Me being me, I think of everything that I do not have in order in case I die. A-fib will bring that much fear upon me and odds are others that experience this condition. There is a panic of when this passes, I will do this, that and other things to be prepared for the moment. While I make changes and all, I will never get things caught up.

Thankfully, this did not last long but takes my energy, as if you ran a marathon. I will be tired for a bit but at least I can read, write and watch tv. Still, I hate a-fib with a passion. There is so much I want to do in life and knowing this can cause my life to be cut short or have issues from it, makes me sad. Still, I cannot live in total fear but each palpitation, I realize what could come about.  Like a shadow of fear over my daily walk in life.

So if you also have a-fib, I understand. It is not fun. Hang in there.

I bought this unit years ago and it goes with me everywhere I go.  Alivecor… worth every cent, approximately $99. 65400786-07DE-4BCD-B75F-9C853C4F7D66

 

Stepping Stones

I was recently told by my former counselor that she was just a stepping stone in my journey of healing. So true but so hard to grasp when my heart was breaking reading the truth. Fear of letting go and going forward is scary. img_0304

As I remember my past and each person involved in my life, just like yours, they were each stepping stones to where we are today. Each one, we learn from and grow while in some of those brought hurt and sadness and are stumbling blocks. Either way, through each, they pushed us forward.

I don’t like change and this last stone I was pushed off due to circumstances out of her control, which made me unsteady. Actually, they all do but with most recent ones, the distress is great.

ADB8E177-52DF-4509-B97B-FF79A7DD854DTo recognize and accept finally, it makes it easier to understand and go forward. Reminding yourself, you can do this and you do.

No matter of those before, they will always be a part of your life and testimony. I would not be where I am today had it not been for each person that was a stepping stone in my life. For that, I am thankful.

B1336C71-9397-4B79-8801-EB0B05C9D46DI am stepping onward, sometimes in faith believing, and moving forward. We have to in order to grow and heal.

The Lord has a plan for each of our lives and He will get us to where we need to be. Trust Him as you go about the stepping stones in life.

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Winds Are Blowing

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives.  With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all.  So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

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Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are.  Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me.  I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him.  I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do.  As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour. ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

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Am I Right to Write?

34961F5B-2FF8-4A57-82A1-C06BD85311C0Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence.  After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted.  Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion.  I miss talking to her.
While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that.  The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to.  The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant.  I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time.  Today included.
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There is a risk of being hurt.  Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her.  Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read.  I never want to bother anybody.  Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him.  I won’t.
It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing.  If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good.  Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth.  Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right?  It comes down to fear, yet again in me.  E5461E46-3B27-4E72-9142-058106A065C9
Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt.  I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie.  She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself.  Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing.  Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this.  Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning.  Still, tears will fall.  A part of my life is gone.  Will it return and will it ever be the same?  Probably not.
Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome?  Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.
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No Attendance?

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Have you ever signed up for something and later regret?  Partly, wanting to slap yourself for being so willing.

Even though in this case, I feel this was a huge step for me to make myself vulnerable and be a willing vessel.   Still, there is anxiousness within.

I signed up to hold a once a week, eight-week class. These are volunteer classes of topics that we feel comfortable sharing.  I have been through so much and I am here today so I feel I can share and encourage others to put their faith in the Lord.  Just knowing that you are not alone, going through something, can bring life and hope.

Honestly, part of me does not want people to sign up.  I’m scared. If just making myself open to do this class, is enough for me.  This was a big step for me.  I put my feet in the water as they say, to 1A922A6E-CDE3-4204-9F26-1033AC70F410test.  If this all comes about and people do sign up and show up, it will be the Lord leading and directing because I am nothing.  I am here because of Him.

To back out of, which I have tried and wanted to do many times, I did not feel like I should.  A step of faith for sure.

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Stepping Out

4cc16ae2-9540-4633-a6d5-d7482f7288f2What am I doing?   It seems like everything is happening all at once and it is putting me to a place out of my comfort zone in many ways. Help me Jesus!

If this all falls into place, it will be a miracle, more ways than one.   How do I get myself in such quandaries?

The one part of me, knows I can pull this off and make it work and it will be nice and a great accomplishment.  Complete faith and trust in the Lord.  The other part that arises is FEAR hearing myself scream inside, ‘What is happening.’  Oh my!  The struggle is real. 85dcac31-8a3c-499e-aa14-86f842b494b2

I have dealt with fear all my life and even tonight I wanted to call a halt to it all.  I cannot do this.  I need to talk to my counselor but that won’t happen.  The points of I need, I want, the what if’s, the panic within balloons and wonder if I will pop from the anxiety.

It is at that point, I must bring it back in and realize I can do this, I can try and if I fail, the world will continue to carry on, I will still have a job, God will still love me, I will learn what to do or not to do next time, etc.  Life goes on!

bible verses about stepping out in faith Lovely Bible Study How to Step Out of Your fort Zone in YourStepping out and putting my feet in the water is overwhelming but I either go forward or remain stuck.  I’m tired of being stuck.

Somebody push me!

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