Be Still

E9644B59-E9AC-4FB1-B1C0-D28663BAD559In several of my writings, I have shared of my youngest son. This will be no different.

I love being a mom but my heart hurts so much for him and I try not to worry. I do though. Surely this is a normal response of a mother.

A grown son but will always be my sweet boy even though he is 6’3”.  He has been through so much and some brought on by his own error of ways, but he has made it through not borrowing money or giving up. I know at times he has felt like quitting and hopeless but that would be a normal reaction but thankfully he kept pushing through. I am proud of him but I know after so much of the push and pull, it can take its toll. Depression lingers over him like a dark cloud. Even that makes my heart to hurt.p for him. 1EC95CE4-CEA1-43EB-8C13-4B1BC0E8D2AE

As his mom, I try to remember my own youth and how it was. He is a lot like me, independent and stubborn. Actually, not a bad thing as determination keeps you moving forward. It’s hard though, sometimes lonely.

Keeping a balance of staying in touch with him of knowing I care and I am here for him but not being intrusive. I have made it known that I respect his independence and privacy so I hold off asking the many questions within my mind or enabling him. A balancing act that seems to get heavy on my end and off kilter.

This whole pandemic has made a mess for many, him included.  March unemployment has yet to be approved. Many are losing everything and begging for assistance. Even with that, I am unsure where he is financially. It is none of my business. I know he knows we are here and will help with necessities but is he too proud to ask I wonder or is a credit card(s) being maxed, which makes me cringe.

Now I know the Lord needs my help, right? I am his mother so I need to be right in there in the middle and help to make sure He takes care of my son. I know I can help Him. (Insert eye rolls)

65BF5D1E-8341-4295-ABB5-D4F4C1D4E519It is so hard to give up control and allow the Lord to handle this situation. I know I have had to in the past, now today and will all of the tomorrows. I don’t know what to do, but that.

There is not a day that goes by and sometimes hours when I am not praying for my son. So many prayers but especially, Lord, wrap your loving arms around him and keep him close. You know him better than I do as his mother.

This past week, when driving home from work, I stopped and went through a drive-thru for supper. A message that I was listening to was to Be Still and know that I am God. I had time to listen to enough of this message to touch my heart and give me a peace of what I need to do, which was to Be Still.

If I am doing all the worrying and trying to help God do His job, I am not at peace, losing my joy and holding up what He needs to do. Basically, get out of the way mom, sit down and Be Still. Well, by the time I pulled up to place my order, I am crying and trying to clear up the tears. I wondered  later what the girl taking my order possibly thought, perhaps this old lady is quite emotional over a chicken sandwich.

I knew this message was for me, and for my son. When I got home, I sat down and opened up my Bible to dig a little deeper into this verse as it was so heavy on my heart, as was my son. Be Still.

Just a little bit later, while flipping through some Facebook posts, I was on a page of a lady I know from church, reading her posts.  About the fifth post down, guess what it was? Be Still.

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Lord, I get it. I am to Be Still.

I have rehearsed those words and this verse over and over for days. Tonight, the struggle is real as I picked up the worry but I know what I must do and that is to Be Still

You don’t know me and you don’t know my son, except through my writings, but if you would be so kind to pray for him, I would appreciate. Thank You!

Be Still … and know that I am God.

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https://www.victoryacademyforboys.org/parent-point/a-note-from-god-to-the-parent-of-a-struggling-son

 

Take Away

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Day by day, little by little, a bit here and a bit there many things are no longer a part of our lives.

Our normal has been disrupted and the new normal is not comfortable and never will be comfortable.

As we drive past parking lots now empty, especially the ones that are always packed, I find it difficult to comprehend, thinking how odd for that to be possible. My mind knowing all along what is happening but everyday seems like a Sunday, with everything closed. Everything that we have known has changed. I’m old and feeling discombobulated and I can only imagine what the younger generation feels, although some are not taking this COVID19 very serious. I know I am feeling somewhat stripped of more and more each day, as they are taken away. A19CDF5D-0D26-4222-8DF3-E12D0B1CAE2F

Just yesterday, I had two events canceled that I would attend, within thirty minutes of each other. One was in April, which did not surprise me but the other was at the end of May.  Honestly, I found myself angry with all of this happening. Now what?

Fear of one another, wondering if we will get or pass on germs. A disconnect physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

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I noticed my elderly neighbor answer the door to her best friend. Just watching to see how they handled this situation, knowing their routine is off and of loneliness no doubt. The door was not opened immediately, which surprised me in a way but then I wondered if she was afraid to open it. Finally, the door was opened and my neighbor stood on one side of the glass storm door and her friend on the other. They were protecting one another. How sad though to be that close, to miss one another’s company and glass separates the normal contact of one another. No hug was made, no physical touch of comfort to ease each other’s fear and anxiety. 

9C790675-106E-4BEE-91D7-E0BC81576DCCThe distancing between each of us, family, friends, co-workers and each one, is too far apart, although needed right now. It’s like when we put up walls to keep people out of our lives from being hurt, but we are now basically building walls between each of us to avoid contact. Perhaps feeling as though we are lost in a maze. I wonder after this month and hopefully that is enough time, will we be programmed to still limit connection, hesitant to reach out to one another. 

Today is today, tomorrow will be just another day and each one will add up. Yesterday, I had no motivation and unsure about today. I don’t feel depressed although I know it would be easy to be so, but I know anxiety still creeps up on me. How about you?

So, as we have today and each tomorrow will come, let’s make them as best as we can. It is okay to rest, as we recognize that what we are experiencing is not normal and we are not going to feel normal. Still, we will get through this, one day at a time.

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STAY WELL

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