Winds Are Blowing

FB12F8C0-B7F0-4FA7-83ED-75D40CD61625As I listen to the winds blow outside for hours now, hearing creaks in this old house of mine, the clanging of my wind chimes, I am reminded of the winds that blow in our own lives.  With wind, there is no control, it’s going to blow and with each burst, in hopes the structures are able to sustain the force.

Many times through such storms, I have curled up in my chair listening to the force outside or feeling the force within me, wondering if either can stand through it all.  So many times I have thought or said, ‘Lord, calm the storm’ or ‘Peace. Be still.’

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Amazingly enough, we are stronger than we think we are.  Even if my house falls in the midst of the winds of the storm, He will be with me to rebuild.

It comes down to, for me anyway, that He will help me no matter what circumstances are before me.  I have to trust and have faith in that and mostly in Him.  I may struggle to get there for a bit… but I do.  As in most struggles and trials in life, the worst is when alone, at the midnight hour. ACEB5344-6FB1-417B-A354-0FAA1BF3D956

Lord, calm the chaotic winds within and around my very being so I can be a testimony of your faithfulness.

If you are facing storms in your own life, Trust Him. Easier said than done, I know, but He is our peace.

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Am I Right to Write?

34961F5B-2FF8-4A57-82A1-C06BD85311C0Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence.  After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted.  Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion.  I miss talking to her.
While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that.  The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to.  The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant.  I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time.  Today included.
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There is a risk of being hurt.  Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her.  Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read.  I never want to bother anybody.  Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him.  I won’t.
It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing.  If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good.  Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth.  Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right?  It comes down to fear, yet again in me.  E5461E46-3B27-4E72-9142-058106A065C9
Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt.  I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie.  She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself.  Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing.  Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this.  Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning.  Still, tears will fall.  A part of my life is gone.  Will it return and will it ever be the same?  Probably not.
Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome?  Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.
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No Attendance?

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Have you ever signed up for something and later regret?  Partly, wanting to slap yourself for being so willing.

Even though in this case, I feel this was a huge step for me to make myself vulnerable and be a willing vessel.   Still, there is anxiousness within.

I signed up to hold a once a week, eight-week class. These are volunteer classes of topics that we feel comfortable sharing.  I have been through so much and I am here today so I feel I can share and encourage others to put their faith in the Lord.  Just knowing that you are not alone, going through something, can bring life and hope.

Honestly, part of me does not want people to sign up.  I’m scared. If just making myself open to do this class, is enough for me.  This was a big step for me.  I put my feet in the water as they say, to 1A922A6E-CDE3-4204-9F26-1033AC70F410test.  If this all comes about and people do sign up and show up, it will be the Lord leading and directing because I am nothing.  I am here because of Him.

To back out of, which I have tried and wanted to do many times, I did not feel like I should.  A step of faith for sure.

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Stepping Out

4cc16ae2-9540-4633-a6d5-d7482f7288f2What am I doing?   It seems like everything is happening all at once and it is putting me to a place out of my comfort zone in many ways. Help me Jesus!

If this all falls into place, it will be a miracle, more ways than one.   How do I get myself in such quandaries?

The one part of me, knows I can pull this off and make it work and it will be nice and a great accomplishment.  Complete faith and trust in the Lord.  The other part that arises is FEAR hearing myself scream inside, ‘What is happening.’  Oh my!  The struggle is real. 85dcac31-8a3c-499e-aa14-86f842b494b2

I have dealt with fear all my life and even tonight I wanted to call a halt to it all.  I cannot do this.  I need to talk to my counselor but that won’t happen.  The points of I need, I want, the what if’s, the panic within balloons and wonder if I will pop from the anxiety.

It is at that point, I must bring it back in and realize I can do this, I can try and if I fail, the world will continue to carry on, I will still have a job, God will still love me, I will learn what to do or not to do next time, etc.  Life goes on!

bible verses about stepping out in faith Lovely Bible Study How to Step Out of Your fort Zone in YourStepping out and putting my feet in the water is overwhelming but I either go forward or remain stuck.  I’m tired of being stuck.

Somebody push me!

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Dangling

08473529-FA33-4C38-9A88-D15F42B4751CToday, as I read an article about the do’s and the don’ts, how to find a good counselor, etc., that popped up on my Facebook timeline, I became sad.

While everything lined up according to the article of my counselor, but I had no doubt it would, plus I had trust in her.  At the time of her leave of absence, now just over three months, I was ready for the next, hopefully last hurrah of our sessions.  To graduate was always a joke between us.

D72D1370-20C6-4671-8399-530AF0C76E2DIt was if we were at a juncture of hitting some serious points in my therapy on the head and this leave came about.  It’s just like the enemy to stop progression in my healing and cause issues in her own life. Looking at it that way, I have felt it was and is my fault for her to be on a medical leave.  For me to feel at fault, that is also the childhood emotional neglect within me, accepting blame.

Spiritually speaking though, you will understand my comment because Satan does not want me, her or you to succeed and be healed.  His goal is to kill, steal and destroy.

Realistically, she just needed time to care for herself and I understand and value that in her.  But still, I miss her and grieve. 67C421CB-7BD1-487E-9C74-807F68829E13

Even reading articles about ending sessions, how to deal with and what to do by pulling the techniques provided and taught through the many counseling sessions, I do understand and I try but closure is not there.

With her leave of absence, I’m left dangling and there is an unsettledness within me.

Narrowing down my thoughts and feelings, not just with my counselor but in life itself, I am left pondering and feeling lost at times.  Why do the questions within always remain open-ended, the confusion felt overwhelm me and the plots and twists in so many areas just don’t connect?

Even through the dangling, time heals.  I do know that the Lord will get me to where I am to be and place the right people in my path.  I just have to trust Him.

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Now What?

Handwritten Holiday, Christmas card with hand drawn, textured snowflakes.My extended time away from work is something I always look forward to at this time of the year, the holiday rush is over and time to do and go as I please but came to an abrupt halt the night of Christmas.  Not what I want to deal with.

It is totally apparent moreso that we have inherited the head role of  my husband’s family.  Due to his parents’ ages and medical situation and inability to carry on the family meals with holidays, I now do each holiday meals and have for the past few years.  I manage but yet again realized the other night that I would rather bake desserts than prepare meals.  Always did and I think that is a trait of my paternal grandmother.  Meal was complete and very little leftovers so I apparently succeeded or maybe did not make enough.

Then the call of a panicked brother-in-law, after leaving hours before, while we were having our Christmas time with our children at the end of the day, finally with the other family members gone.  As we were unwrapping gifts, talking and laughing, my husband’s cell phone rings.  We all held our breath thinking an accident of some sort with the aging parents, as we could vaguely hear the voice on the phone.  Something was wrong.

No, it was about him.  Sadly, we all relaxed knowing it was just him and typical drama.  The younger brother, although in his late forties, who is often missing in action unless family dinners for Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Plus enabled by his mother, I feel, which we already know will not help matters later.

AEB7E511-C684-4701-947C-0244134F32BFThe story has it, he was beat up and his eye is proof enough when kicked out of his rented space in a house by family members visiting, one just out of prison.  He now needs a place to lay his head.  Guess where?  Our house.  Just for one night I was told.  I believed that like knowing the Readers Digest people are coming to my front door with millions of dollars in sweepstakes.

I brace myself and accept the fact we need to help.  I do have a heart.  Still, with this rough group of people, will they track him down and put us in danger.  His life is a whole other world than we hold.  One that we do not understand.

593682B2-1DEB-4502-B9AC-2E82BCA45328My time off.  My mind thinking of what to do, how to get through this and knowing my time off will be spent dealing with this issue (his issues).  I solve problems at my own time and expense.  I do know…. he will not get a house key.  If no key though, I am held hostage myself dealing with his schedule.  Not going to happen.  I become the bad person putting my foot down and setting boundaries.   If I permit a key, will I ever feel safe in my own home?  No!  Now what to do?

This grown man who really just works with whatever comes his way, no real job, no real life, no real desire to do anything, is now stuck in our spare bedroom.  I want to scream and I might yet.  Get a job!

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Maybe I forget my vacation days and just go back to work to be an example to him of just how this works.  When I leave, you leave.

Some will never change.  Enabling at its finest proven to be exactly what I expected.

Not here.  Done.  Get out.  Get a job.  Get a life.

Can Dreams be a Warning?

It’s early morning and I’m wide awake.  I’ll pay for this later.  Awakened either by a dream or a car driving up the road, I’m unsure but I think the dream.40B7C6BF-DD3E-47C8-9A7E-B7CDBE245C83

The dream though was of my husband, by all outward appearance, he is calm and pleasant although Asperger odd.  He was in a rage and when awoke, I could tell my heartbeat was faster than normal so it produced fear in me.  This happened about a week ago, too.  Interesting.

I try to pay attention to my dreams.  There was one I had thirteen times growing up but never understood why but I actually saw it play out right in front of my eyes. 28A158AF-DA56-4C0C-8963-788A00CB5C76Nothing bad really but the exact replay of the dream in real time.  How crazy is that?

Once I had two guys working for me to remodel our home.  The one, the dream showed him in an angered rage and pitching things out my attic window.  Soon after, just days, the second man whose craftsmanship was surperb told me that either the other guy goes or he would. Confirmation!  I let the other man go.  Just that simple

So dreams can help you but sometimes scare the daylights out of you.   Pay attention.A903F384-9082-4F9D-8A51-43A76F335DFC

Time will tell what is up with this rage within my husband, within my dreams.   Might be nothing but might be a warning.