Little Words

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Words can lift one up or they can bring one down.  Actually, some words can last a lifetime that will never go away, always popping up to remind just how bad of a person one might be. Some unnecessary, rude comments can cut so bad that the heart will never heal. A knife in the back would heal quicker.

It is when these words or comments come and never seem to leave, often slapping your face with the lies and thoughts and feelings of others. As hard as it is, you must not dwell there and must forgive for your own sake and sanity. Trust that the Lord heard and knows the one(s) that spoke and He knows about this hurt and pain within.

At times, it is right to speak up but for the most part, trust Him to fight your battles. Why allow their words to cause you to go ballistic and both sides appear foolish, not solving a thing but causing more harm.

Forgiveness is a must. Easy? No! Will that happen overnight? No, probably not. Will it take years? Possibly. Forgiveness is for you to move forward. It’s freeing.

Some kind words can carry another for days when 878C61CA-5D18-425B-B68F-93A892AC3FECeverything seems to be falling apart. Even a kind smile with no words spoken. Behind the masks these days, the smiles are not as evident but the eyes show care and concern, so accept them and return. Be kind.

Isn’t it nice to hear some of these phrases: I am proud of you, I am so glad you are in my life, You bless my life by being in it, I have faith in you and these are just a few. People are feeling hopeless more than ever nowadays, whether a child or up to an adult with or without degrees after their name as a professional. We all need encouragement.

At times life is just at a standstill. A timely word of encouragement will push one forward and an untimely, unnecessary word or comment can sometimes put one on the brink of giving up.

What do you want to be remembered for, to be kind or 9BBA102D-7862-44A3-B664-839B44E8097Bindifferent to rude? Let’s lift one another up instead of tearing down or leaving a moment when a kind word would be benefited to cause another to smile and gain hope.

In my own experience, I have had words almost kill me, actually they did within relationships, sadly of family members. This past year or so, if just a few words of encouragement from someone special was said in a written note as a reply, such as ‘I am proud of you,’ it would have meant the world to me. Of course, it was not expressed and my heart broke. I needed that hope.

974E6639-3F4E-480C-994A-F64404B0A84EOther times though and thankfully, words were said or in a written form that were burned within my mind and heart that I hold onto to keep hope alive and my steps moving forward to goals and dreams. Those little words of encouragement here and there are like gold. Gold is rare to find, sifting through the muck and sometimes life is trudging through the muck and then one day, a glimpse of gold is found, there is hope to keep going.

We have a choice of lifting up or tearing down.

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Small Doses

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Today, I was expecting nothing but a nice quiet day or at least most of the day in my home. Even though it is Memorial Day, my husband goes to play golf, no family was coming over so just a low-key day. It was short lived, guess it was too hot and understandably so. I tend to get more done when he is out of the house. There is a freedom, not a draining, boring, no laughter kind of day. Sad, isn’t it that I feel that way?

Yesterday, we spent the day in our son’s back yard to cut limbs and clean up so he can enjoy the property of his house rental. I love his back yard and during this pandemic of quarantine, we did not make trips, which is only an hour away. He did a lot on his own, which has been good for him and we just helped push him forward a little faster. It was a good, hot day to do this and it was nice to get away

Many times when we have days like this together, I have to bring things back down to existence between me and him. Existence of just married, basically a business partnership. For the most part, it works, financially, why not.

If I could live with previous years when it was so bad, really bad, I can deal with it now, as I continue to get clarity and get stronger within myself and put boundaries in place. Those days, as in yesterday, being together kinda sorta in a big yard, it seems he thinks we are a happily married couple. He will tell his parents or his chiropractor usually of what we did, putting a spin on what fun ‘we’ had. Over and over again I see this routine. Denial runs in his family so this just ranks right up there.E7C8824A-EBFD-4A9C-9871-3E9925BB6A68

The next day or week, he will say with such a sweet, soft and sickening voice, which is do you want to do this, want to go here or there, etc. No. No thank you. The same tone when he talked to our dog. This has been learned way to speak in order to relate to others, whether it be others, me or the dog. I feel mean when I say no thank you but, no. I can only handle him in small doses and yesterday that dosage was an overdose, and I must set my boundaries. You do your thing and I will do mine and we are both happy.

Now you are probably thinking, but he asked if you wanted to do this or that and was so nice. I have had that said to me more than once, because they do not understand what I am dealing with or have dealt with. Yes he was nice, and I was nice and said no thank you. To turn him down, you are probably thinking I am just a mean old witch. Have you walked in my shoes? Have you felt emotionally ignored in a marriage? There is more than shopping or hearing his intellectual murmurings of whatever is of interest to him that would make one bang their head on a brick wall. There is no connection, no emotional support, no real marriage. It is just an existence of two people under one roof, thankfully space between us.F4B70A60-0470-4F0C-BE52-4CED85FFC72B

If you have read any of my writings, I have mentioned Aspergers. After years and years of not knowing what was wrong, taking it all upon myself that it was me. He is the intelligent one, and he will tell you just that, so it must be me, I’m stupid. He will walk away from an issue that needs both of our attention and I need his input. He hears my tone getting a bit higher because he has ignored previous attempts, so he walks away. So again it’s me, my fault. If I make a wrong decision, it’s my fault, AA7E7170-ADD1-4266-A47B-599FA436D694which is too much pressure. To see him look at other women, I am not pretty or sexy enough. To call him out on it and each time deny although I watched this play out a million times, same result. So it must be me, I am seeing things, making it up, feeling like I am crazy.  Shall I go on? Too fat, ugly, fat and depressed will add just several more areas dealt with. Years and years of this, it does makes one feel crazy.

Had it not been for my former counselor in 2014 to recognize what I was expressing, I really do not know where I would be today. Twenty-five years of not knowing and feeling the craziness can take a toll on a person’s emotional, physical,  mental and spiritual life. You just exist from day to day with no joy.

Sadly, this is very typical in marriages when one has Aspergers and the spouse is a neurotypical. It is a crazy-making life.

So if a friend or family member confides in you, needing to vent and need you to hear them, listen. If any of this sounds familiar, don’t just say it is married life, it will get better, etc. Just maybe, this is Aspergers.

Too much time together, is too much time together.

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