Give Me Your Pen

For whatever reason, I guess after discussing with my present counselor last week because I am coming up on my one-year anniversary from my former counselor, I am still grieving.  While I am blessed to have my present counselors, I sure miss my former one of four years. Still, I am moving forward and as they say, life goes on.

Being one that has dealt with feelings of abandonment throughout my life and understanding that fact in those four years, I recognized things about myself. Those moments of I do this or I do that, all of which were coping mechanisms I managed to use and still as an older adult, they appear.  I never knew the effects of such until then so the last five years I have been getting to know myself, the good, bad and ugly and understanding the whys in life.

It has been almost a year since a session with former counselor, as I stated. When meeting regularly, weekly sessions usually, I found myself in a panic and feeling the abandonment before she would go on vacation. I thought a week or God forbid, fourteen days were forever. The anxiousness and CDCC0BB6-758F-4B2E-8CE1-CD64A17BF769unsettledness was ever-so present. I counted down the days until her return.  To help me and I shared with her, I installed a timer app on my phone, I still use it.  My coping mechanism, as it keeps track so my mind can be somewhat at ease of not counting.  With this, I can just look at the time, acknowledge my thoughts and feelings, cry if I need to and move forward.  Technology in this sense shows me I made it, some days were rough and have been, but I was and I am moving forward. It’s what works for you to bring calmness.

We discussed this matter many times before and after vacation periods. Many times, and being one dealing with abandonment, a physical item such as a pen is helpful to hold onto. There were times, I wanted to ask her to give me her pen. A2807F53-426E-47CF-A4CC-F3A6A79D58A3The pen she holds that just made notes about me in her file because of the connection between us.

While that pen was an inanimate item, it would have given me a part of her to hold onto.  I would give it back upon her return.  I would be keeping her pen safe with me and I felt safe, as she was still with me.  Abandonment sucks. 9B2A83DB-B250-48D0-AD89-CDFD39EC7C32How sad it is to consider that a little girl, now older woman still clings to such. What happened in that little girl’s life to hold on for dear life to such objects? Maybe one day, when the Lord feels the time is right, I will know exactly why and mostly, what happened to cause such a deep root to still rear its ugly head.  Abandonment in love, emotional neglect was definitely evident.

As crazy as this is, it is somewhat normal, especially one with abandonment in their past.  This was part of my coping mechanism then and still.  Just as in this pen, it is a bonding between us and serves as a way to calm the anxiety within me, just meaning she is still with me.  It’s a transitional object, such as a security blanket for a young child.

As I researched, the weighted blanket that many use nowadays, it calms the anxiety within.  Not saying it is due to abandonment but anxiety can disrupt life.  Anxiety sucks, too!

Whether it be an inanimate object, timer on my phone, a ACDE0AED-5710-49AF-BE61-507DFC2DD64Fphoto, these were typical of me through life and sadly still.  I know the three hundred and sixty-fifth day is approaching since our last session.  My grieving is present still, I acknowledge that.  Will I see her again for a session? No. It is just my coping skill to get through the loss, sadness and hopefully healing as I see this pattern and know I have made it and I will make it.

My time with her was definitely orchestrated by God in those four years. Many times her wisdom and expertise in her field along with her sweet and caring nature and at times stern comments, I grew and will always be thankful.  The Lord knew I needed her as my life became very hopeless in past situations for years, she was my lifeline. Understanding of the past and present became real to me so I can look forward to the future.  88A1B105-FCFA-40D6-855E-87E449118E91

There was a bonding between us.  I can acknowledge, as I did when in session before or after her plans for a leave on vacation that there was a panic within me that happens, which is abandonment.  I did not take her pen but I wanted to each time, or some object.  I survived even though anxiety was apparent.

Today, I can also acknowledge that abandonment became real when she left her counseling position abruptly.  Not only discussing it but also experiencing it by her.  A real life sink or swim moment came into effect dealing with the emotions, thoughts and even anger.  Most importantly, I am still thankful of our time together.

FA259C47-230E-4B65-B0DD-940CC9A03161If you have dealt with loss and lack of love in childhood or as an adult, you will understand me.  It’s real.  It’s real hard, too.  Through it, you have to learn to care for yourself, re-parent yourself, get in touch with your inner child and just love and appreciate yourself.  Do I have all that together?  No, but I do know now what I am dealing with and what I lacked and taking one day at a time.

I am worth it and above all else, I have had to fully trust the Lord moreso, as He loves ME and He will never leave me.

You are worth it and I pray that you put your whole trust in the Lord, as He loves YOU and He will not leave you either.

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Intimacy (Not What You Think)

Oh, I bet that title got your attention.  It would me although I’d be somewhat leery of this writing being pornographic. Don’t worry, not here.C9F175FD-041C-4A3C-A9D6-5E28B0E061F2

I never threw that word around in my life knowing in my mind what I thought it meant, we’ll sort of. Intimacy = Sex.  I thought that and probably many think it just means being sexual between a couple.  I never gave it much thought.

Why did it take me so long to grasp that it was also a close relationship between two people in just their conversations and getting to know one another perhaps? B1DD3A33-78D6-40BE-B35B-CC0EF4DE3826Because it happens. To realize it covers a lot, more than sex, I felt somewhat ignorant to learn, just a year or so ago, the difference. It is a deeper connection, which is so nice.

So many times in my writings, I do mention my former counselor.  How can I not mention her?  She was a part of my life for four years on a weekly basis, if not twice a week, at times. This lady knew me better than anybody, besides God. Always will she be in my life, maybe not 621C63FE-8258-4C42-9AAE-07C173EEC19Ephysically, but in my testimony and how I relate to areas in my life that have been issues that I have overcome or I am still working on. Many lightbulb moments came about in those sessions, while deep and dark secrets, fears and sad and happy life moments were exposed and discussed. Definitely I was enlightened to life… past, present and future.

It was toward the end of our sessions together, before she resigned from her practice, that she said in one of our sessions and that was, we had an intimate relationship.  I remember just looking at her, thinking, ‘say what?’  It threw me off and made me wonder what does she mean by that. I have never had that said to me before. Actually, I never had someone care to know me as she did, trying to understand me.

Of course, I Google everything and research until I get what answer I am looking for and feel settled in that quest.  Sure enough, we did have an intimate relationship.  Again, a lightbulb moment.  I learned something new, which is always neat.

Who do you have an intimate relationship with, one that wants to knows you, your fears, your goals?

5EE8E9E9-B9D5-4083-8F9A-7E4F35EE35CCLet’s not forget God, our relationship with Him.  Intimacy with God. 15B0C5DC-8C9C-4582-8122-5411B72A921D

We all have intimate relationships with many around us.  We all need those close connections, at times.   Although knowing what we talked about within her four walls through the years, for the first time in life I felt heard, understood and cared about, I understood her comment.4BB561D0-8720-4E56-BE64-44501EBB811F

Just that, brings healing to a troubled soul dealing with life’s questions and uncertainties that nobody really cared to know.  I am so thankful for that intimate relationship, as I am healing in many ways, allowing the Lord to touch my heart where it had been broken and now to move forward in life.

071A445A-AFA3-44F0-B4D9-8C9FEF7A63E3If only she would read my writings to be encouraged herself of how she affected my life.  I truly have been blessed and feel this last part of my life will be the best.3048A824-3B05-4447-B6F0-6FAEF9E37FBB

I’ve Let You Down

2882C63E-A26B-4CFB-B27E-C73C99843A33I have sat on the loveseat in my counselor’s office week after week, year after year trying to understand life as an older, adult woman and realizing my childhood held a lot of the keys to the confusion felt.

Why has it taken me this long to ‘get it’ as my years are getting shorter and feel I have missed out on so much in life due to situations somewhat out of my control.  The rush against time to fix areas and acknowledgement plus receive healing seems to be at one moment delightful and then the other overwhelming.

1169C66D-A717-4B98-B4F9-3CFBD0B16D96As we discussed my own childhood issues so many times, I felt the burden and so often while reading about emotional neglect and abandonment, the burden that I let my own children down.  I have failed them.  How do I make that right now from their childhood?  They are both grown adults.  They seem well adjusted, confident but are they really?  Will they ever express to me where I failed?  Could I handle it, if so?  I want to ask them but I am fearful to know, too.  Will they even know until they also might be sitting on a counselor’s loveseat trying to understand life as I am and realize the damage done.  The cycle of life as we all fail in one area or another or more.

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Not just in my own circle but as I look around at the families nowadays and everyone is on their cellphones.  In due time, that will affect the children, soon to be adults.  The lack of eye to eye contact and communication is almost gone.

BD34D33B-6F71-4B2E-9CB2-EB531553027EIf only…. how many times we all say that.  If only I could do some things over, I would still fail my children. So when the burden or guilt overrides my parenting, I know that I must remember I did the best that I could with what I knew. Today, and always, they know I love them.  My time left on this earth and our time together, I do know that they will have a more happy, healthier mother before them.

I have let you down in many ways but I will always lift you up and I hope that is enough, my child.  Mom ❤️

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Homeless Little Girl

While getting ready to be picked up by some friends recently to attend a popular musical in a nearby city, many thoughts kept coming to mind that I haven’t thought of since I was a child. At least this much thought.

I do not give myself such luxuries to attend these types of events often enough. One, because they are too expensive and I am not too terribly fond of musicals. Perhaps for this very reason I am writing that I am not a fan. This one had a meaning, as my son was in the orchestra pit so you bet I would pay and make myself available to be with others to enjoy. Slowly crawling out of my shell, too.

Since it has been years, like I said, I was a young child and I might have been ten, if not a bit older but not by much. There was this girl at the other end of our small, country town and we were becoming friends, hanging out, as we talked on the telephone like most girls do, which was all nice. While I liked her friendship, I knew she was more outgoing and just better than me. I have always thought everyone was better than me, a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

0941A85F-F0C1-4B8A-B855-1CD52ED17D18It was when Jen called me at home one evening. As a typical young girl, I played outside, did not dress up much and spent just an ordinary day at home, most days and weekends. Her call was to ask me if I wanted to go with her, her mother and maybe another person to a play, a musical or something fancy. Knowing and thinking that I may never have this opportunity again, I agreed and thought it would be fun. Of course, with that agreement, I had to be ready within minutes. Sure, I am ready, I said. Now, I had no idea what or where we were going, just with my friend. I felt special knowing I was asked to go. I felt special and important.

It was when they arrived to pick me up and my friend, younger than me by a year, walked through the door with her mother. I remember the exact place I was standing, looking at them, probably thinking oh my. I’m sure my mom and others in the living room were thinking, what the hell. While I do not remember what the mom had on, I do remember my younger friend looking like an adult. All dressed up, 14C7F979-C6D1-454A-B751-78D4DD1A1062wearing her mother’s mink stole and makeup. They were both classy looking. Here I am, probably greasy hair somewhat, in my normal clothes from the day. Remember, I only had five minutes to be ready. Not knowing what to expect, definitely not this night or what followed.

I do remember my mom asking me if I really wanted to go. I know now that was to protect me from being hurt due to the way they were dressed and the homely look I 8cb1ff75-fa04-467a-aec4-0c7793a42308-43917-00000876b968150aportrayed compared to them. At that time, I did not give much thought to this, although I remember the shock when they walked through the door beaming, but I made a commitment to go so off we went. No doubt my mom was concerned, but I did not know how to say no and to go somewhere was a luxury.

As I gave thought to this fancy outing with my friend dressed to the nines and here I stand with them in the lobby area of the event feeling very insecure, as I see people stare at me. To them and those around, I did look homeless and I am sure I was an embarrassment to them, sorry they even asked me.9EF4F1E2-2795-4293-890E-F52792B130A8

As I got ready to go to the musical for my son, I felt a little apprehensive about what to wear, which brought up all of these memories. Dealing with excitement to go but the torment from the past. I was dressed nice, my Sunday best somewhat, but I caught myself scanning those that picked me up and others in attendance around me. Fear. I found I was dressed appropriately although I was overdressed probably to some. Anything goes nowadays, anywhere but not so much back in my day.

0e3b2b0e-2c25-422e-a280-f8ab576f69be-10228-0000025b43f0b48bInteresting how my morning getting ready to go dealt with the night almost fifty years ago. I felt as though the Lord was revealing some hidden hurts that need attention and healing. No doubt, enough to make my head swim.

So many thoughts took me back, as a lot of negative roots in my feelings of myself and even others grew from that night. I remember them all dressed up and we are standing in the foyer area to enter for seating.  It was like I was frozen watching others look at me and then those I was with.   Strangely enough, I do not remember anything else from that night. I was there physically but nothing more.

d0033ac5-e020-490d-a057-24f0c1a90c7c-43917-00000875474bb142I wonder if I disassociated myself during that outing and have allowed that to happen throughout my life, at times, when hurt or placed in predicaments where I was uncomfortable. I felt anger from these thoughts of that night. As I thought of this event and that this so-called friend used me because probably because a classier friend could not go or maybe others and I was was the last one on her list. Last resort is what I felt like. To still remember seeing myself standing there feeling like dirt, perhaps that is why all my life I have felt I never measured up. Interesting how such things affect us throughout life. I freeze in fear and other issues. How sad that such an event that should have been a big deal and enjoyable but it caused some major issues for me that I have kept buried.

No surprise, our friendship did not last. Even though I never discussed this back then with anyone or since, it all affected me. Here almost fifty years later, I am remembering and writing about it and acknowledging the moments. I understand a little more about me, which brings more healing. That in itself, I will accept and move forward.

In fact, my fourth grade timeframe has been zapped from my memory and I never could understand, as I have mentioned to my counselors. No doubt, I bet this event lines up, as I was swallowed up with shame.834FBE85-E9B9-42FC-A0FF-56650D179ABA

Feeling used and ‘used’ might not be the word I am searching for but I do know how hurtful it was and to feel like a no-good human being due to looks, clothing, etc., can be devastating. This whole scenario was wrong in so many ways.

I hope and pray that from this point on, remembering and analyzing the dynamics of this classy musical or whatever it was that was fancy enough for them to wear mink and to appear more than what they were, I hope I never put on an air to be something I am not and make someone feel so worthless. Also, to cause some hidden hurts that I have carried due to this situation but I must forgive them, too. My friend’s mother passed away many years ago and sadly my friend, too, just years later.

I have no doubt that the Lord saw me then and knew I would be at this place now. He has carried me way too many times in my life of hurts. How awesome! 💕

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The Singing Stops

E4A8B0EB-0790-4BE7-88F1-FC5DC2C6B87BTonight as I am home alone and in my kitchen cleaning as I am getting ready to leave town for the weekend, I sing and there is joy. Joy, not just because I am leaving for a few days but not inhibited or embarrassed. Nobody is here to hear or see me. Typical of my life. I feel freedom when alone.

D3B9CFB2-506A-4139-B618-E2B2065945E5Remembering tonight though, mostly my Mom through my own singing. As a small child, I would hear her sing, whistle or hum as she cleaned and smelling the freshness of our home. I always enjoyed that, as there was peace 29EE2683-4E8C-4D69-9090-14B575152DD3and happiness and it was felt. As a child, I would swing on my old metal swing set in the back, side yard with my neighboring girlfriend and we would sing as loud as possible. Nothing held us back, no embarrassment or care in the world. Happy times.

Crazy enough, not long after, I remember thinking that there is no more singing in our home. Of course, I did not know why not or reasons behind that thought but I knew enough that things changed. It was like a switch turned off the happiness to unhappiness. Children do notice and sense things. They may not understand the dynamics but are aware, I feel.

Just as in my own life and marriage, I am singing tonight because he is not home. Once he walks in the door, I become quiet once again and the doldrums return. Sad.

I know in my own situation, I have been made to feel stupid and ugly or have the eyes look at me with no expression of joy and complete blankness, no joy or delight to spark in return. Perhaps the Aspergers in play or rude behavior in action, I do not know. It happened the other day, in fact, and literally made me cringe. I determined that day, I would not let that pull me down.

Don’t worry, I have been patient and I am but I am also working to get myself healthy enough in many ways. Thank God for my counselors past and present. Most importantly, the Lord knows my name and where I am. In my hope and anticipation, He knows where I am going.

Knowing the singing stopped in my childhood, the same in my children’s lives in our home. I feel so bad about that for them and can get downright sad and feel guilty to allow it to happen but it did. I have no doubt they felt the unhappiness in our home turn off just as I did. I stayed for them and while some say it is best to go ahead and divorce, not in my case, as the outcome would not be what it was. I pushed through and made our home as stable as possible. Having them, pushed me to remain in my right mind although many days I questioned it.

10C5E00A-03B8-4D2E-AFD7-D5D7023BEA10It is my hope that one day they will call me blessed.

My parents are deceased. Tonight as I had all of this on my mind, I would love to talk to Mom and ask her just why her singing stopped. No doubt, my Dad did or said something to cause that divide. Just as my husband did. Probably not the same but enough to break her heart as it did mine. Living as husband and wife and the love stops, you just exist.5A13D819-183F-4F63-84E6-D29E0DE2891B

With this or in any situation, marriage or others, we have a choice of how to handle it all. My parents chose alcohol to deal with life. Sadly, that pushed this young little girl to figure out life for herself. One thing I did learn through that ordeal, is that I did not want alcohol to rule my life or be present in our home. Still, without alcohol, my children had to deal with some matters I am sure on their own, but I was there for them loved them with hugs and all the support I could muster up while struggling within.

So many wives stay in relationships due to financial reasons. My friend and I call this the BOAT (Because Others Are There). Many around you and me, in relationships, are struggling but wear a mask making it all appear good. Sad again.

All I can say is that I/we have to depend upon the Lord. He knows how my marriage issues affected them and that He keep watch on them. Just like He kept watch over me from my parent’s marriage issues.

Thankfully, I am moving forward and becoming healthier in all areas and feel life and joy within that I haven’t for so many years. Happiness replacing unhappiness. I will sing a new song of praise.

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Struggle in the Dirt

9D1F1378-C217-4A2F-8027-1D2A65C7114FIt was about a week ago, as I spoke with my counselor, it got a little deeper in our session than normal. Still, we are becoming familiar with one another and I like that but digging deep gets to the rich soil that is there. Plowing up some old hurts and present issues to bring healing and the joy of blooming where you are, where I am.

7A434994-C26D-4812-93D1-F0240CB5F9DBI know this all sounds so flowery.  Not in the beginning though because there is dirt and lots of it to contend with in life. The big, bad and ugly parts that are buried. You know how it goes, the seed is dropped in the dirt, watering and sprouts begin to develop and soon the stems with flower buds and flowers. Season after season, this can happen. Just as in life, we go through seasons.

As we discussed some issues, we mentioned and discussed abandonment. A common thread in my counseling sessions throughout the years along with my blogging, as it had such an impact on me.

My former counselor of four years was one that saw me 7177A8D1-60B1-4C48-89A6-C99539B65E87in the dirt, plowed and plowed to get me ready for seed and growth. It was not a small undertaking by her at all, it was orchestrated by God. He knew I needed her when I did and allowed us to work together for all of those years.

Today or now as I meet with my counselors, it comes easier and I feel joy. It is not that I did not feel joy with my former counselor, I did at times but she had to do a lot of forceful digging to get deep with me and in my heart of hurts and issues. Many times I wanted to quit growing. The rebellious part of me asking why do I have to go through this.  Many times feeling and saying I don’t want to do this. Deep down though, I knew in order to feel life later, I had to and continue.  Even though I am older, I have more life to live before I die and the previous ones proved to zap life from me. Nobody really ever cared enough to know me and understand me, as she did.  Healing comes when heard and understood. To dig deep was not easy for me nor for her.  Most counseling sessions ended with me being overwhelmed and emotionally spent.  I remember well dealing with it all, trying to make sense of it all for a good twenty-four hours, if not more, each week. We would do it all again the following week.

Now the sense of joy felt is that I understand myself better, she opened my eyes to many areas that proved to cause confusion in my life from childhood, marriage and just in life itself.

Each session enriched the soil within my life. Today, I feel joy because of just that. I have grown through the dirt and standing tall, most days. Other days, maybe peeking out at the sky and others I feel a bloom about ready to pop with new life. How exciting.C8C1C887-908C-442A-91BA-F711DA3A4F90

The counselors I have now are watering the dirt, the seed and sprouts and stems and at times, flower bulbs. I did not say flowers. I still have a way to go but I feel the growth, the warmth of the sun and one day, the flower buds will burst open with beauty. Oh how I want that. In hopes that I can freely express myself to others that they know they are not alone, as in the struggles I have endured. We are to help one another. Our testimony just might be healing for another. The vulnerability frightens me a tad but the Lord will help me, I feel, when it is time. I’m patient, I have had to be in life, while in the dirt.

While we may feel hopeless in the darkness, hurt and alone, as in the dirt, the root system is growing and enabling strength to endure of what is to come.  Not all bad.  Trust the Lord because odds are, He has a plan.

I do not know what all of this will look like but the anticipation of it all is exciting. I have been truly blessed with my counselors. The Lord truly placed each one in my life to help me struggle through the dirt, wilt at times, push through, stand and get strong, form a leaf or two, OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAexperiencing a bud now and then, as I look forward to blooming and the flower burst into beauty.

Hope! There is more to the rest of my life and I want it.

How about you? Where are you in this growth process, in the dirt, standing and waiting to bud and bloom or are you wilting away and stuck in the dirt?

I was stuck for so long and the darkness about overtook me. I had to make a decision and if this is you, move forward. Try counseling, see a medical doctor for a blood workup as you just might be low in areas or need anti-depressants (and that is okay). Most importantly, trust the Lord and allow Him to touch your life and heal the heartache and broken pieces in your life.

When I was at this one pivotal point in counseling, my counselor’s advice before she left on vacation was for me to get in every altar call at church, have others pray for me and I did just that. Humbling experience but I did just that to move forward and it did. If you take one step, He will take two.

Whatever, do not remain stuck. I had a choice, you have a choice.

Get out of the dirt and bloom where you are planted. 🌸

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Isaiah 35:1-2 “Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God.”

 

 

 

Lonely Child

It absolutely drives me crazy that I continue on this path in life and I want it to STOP.  Emotional exhaustion.2B8A306D-EEC3-451C-B4E5-72356F719629

All my life, I have been focused on others, usually a mother figure, and knew that it was because my mother and I were not close.  Mom was mom, I knew I was her daughter but no love expressed or shown, only one hug in my life that I remember.  Sad, so sad.

I would always connect well with older adults, men or women, as I welcomed their advice and direction. It’s with those that showed me care and concern though, the motherly women figures, I became attached.  I want more of their time, their advice and above all the care they gave me, the hugs.   This pattern continued over and over until time passed or I was hurt by something in the relationship and my view of them became disillusioned.

B3A64380-6F30-4C99-AA61-18391435F291Realizing the same thing did exist and still of my former counselor.  Transference.  According to what I have read, transference is typical and actually normal as it causes the client to relate with the counselor, as there is a trust that is built, which is what is needed in a therapeutic environment.  I get that but did not want this to happen yet again but it did.  

21322BA5-94BB-47E4-A4E2-DD75EBACAA0DThankfully, before she left her practice, we discussed my pattern in life many times and how this affected me.  I am unsure with her leaving, if she realized that I would struggle as much as I have.  I do.  Probably so, as she knew me quite well.  I really get tired of this and thoughts that continue though.  Nothing bad, nothing sexual but thoughts of I wish I could talk to her as I am unsure about this or that, questioning if she even thinks of me or remembers me now, hope I run into her, etc.  Make it stop.  Make this pattern stop.  Frustration of this seems to be a daily task, feeling the loss of an emotional attachment, the grief that is felt but more-so the abandonment yet again in my life, feeling lost in the I need you, I don’t know what to do, etc.  Normal.  Being a child not receiving the care and concern, this pattern exists, like it or not.

Tonight as I did some research and found some links, I was amazed that I am not alone.  This is way normal for many.  Go figure. Here I thought something was wrong with me and that, too, is a normal response to this pattern.  What is wrong with me, besides of feeling somewhat obsessed is the fact I did not get the love I needed as a young child and this enabled coping skills for me by seeking out those that will care and love me.

534C191C-A93A-4F2B-AB29-D73862F42095These websites gave some tips on how to stop this, usually in a girlfriend/boyfriend situation but can be interchanged also.  The link below is a post from Obsessed with the counselor’s reply.  Obsessed could be me writing this and I had to actually question if it was me but the date it was written was too early in our counseling together.  I understood Obsessed.

Also recommended that further thought be made as to when this all started in youth and examine this pattern. Acknowledge this and to not ignore the thoughts and feelings.  To be and feel the attachment and have the fear of abandonment is rooted here besides childhood emotional neglect that I have mentioned before in my writings.  I get that but finding that root has been exasperating but I am determined to be healed in this area.  I’m tired.

Life is interesting.  It’s hard at times.  I have learned through this and other areas within counseling and research that knowing I am not alone, healing begins and I adapt better.

Just knowing I am not alone.  It’s like a gift.

This is an area that in between counseling sessions, it is our due diligence to do further research to help ourselves.  Counseling sessions end after fifty minutes or so but can continue if you desire.

Learning more on transference and reading of others experiencing the same tonight, this was on my timetable and free plus nice to know I am normal.  Normal due to my situation.  Adult problems are childhood issues.

While I miss her as my counselor of four years, I probably will continue to think of her but maybe now not as much and have input how to help me overcome this pattern.  I know this is an area I have dealt with most of my life so I will struggle at times, with God’s Grace I will get through this.  No matter, I wish and pray the best for her.  I was blessed to have had her in my life and she will always be a part of my testimony.  Many times, I wish she would read my writings as she brought me to this point.  Although I hurt emotionally at times, I am not in the pit of hopelessness I was four years ago walking through her door.

My hope one day is that I can stand on a platform telling my testimony of emotional healing and God’s Grace upon my life through troubles and trials with her joining me to my right, holding her hand up in appreciation and praise to God.  God knows the desires of my heart and maybe one day this will come to pass.  I have hope.

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Most important is that only the Lord can fill the void within us with His Love.  ❤️

 

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/help-i-cant-stop-thinking-about-my-therapist