Words to Grasp

“I care for you and I love you.”

973f1f23-b95e-4a35-95a9-469e189acb7e-15524-0000034ece28389cWill you even be able to grasp that? The comment made to me from my counselor of four years in our apparent exit telephone conversation.  We had a nice relationship as counselor and client. How could we not? The trust in her and care and a love felt was present from one another, along with the boundaries required in this equation.

There had been times I wish we had a friendship rather than being counselor/client but knowing I needed her in that role, I was able to adapt and respect it.

Our last conversation and toward the end, those words were said to me.   While I knew I loved her as my counselor, a sister-like friend, I never expected to hear that from her.  It definitely took me by surprise, and I froze.  Did I hear that correctly as I gasped and rehearsed in my mind?  Minutes later, to hear her say lightly, “will you even grasp what I just said?”  Still in shock, I did not know.   I heard her say that, questioning me because she knows me so well.  I did not respond because of my shock and questioning myself if I heard her correctly or did I just hope and imagine that comment.  While I know she did, the surprise was shocking.  I do know, and I have repeated those words almost daily if not more, I still do.

You see, I never heard those words, ‘I love you’ growing up and still in a dead marriage of almost thirty years, nothing.  Always, just to expect they loved me, leaving a big void in my life.  So for me to gasp and wonder if I heard her correctly, it is understandable.   Sometimes my heart aches from a lack of love.  That, too, would be normal to feel, a definite loss.

Deep within, I do grasp those words as I repeat them as I mentioned; but also at times I question the validity just because it is not a usual comment made to me.  Love, I always have to wonder or in my case, ponder.

So many throw around the words of ‘love you’ and ‘love ya’ and while they are true, I desire sincerity.  Love means more to me than a word spoken freely.  With her words, I felt them and I wanted to hold onto them. I need to, in order to get through the loss.

So as I grasp the words from her or others that are sincere, I do hold onto them and it seems like I put them in a treasure chest within my heart to keep.

To hear them, to feel them is to grasp and hold onto them forever.

Be sincere with your love spoken.

Words Etched Within

Being one that never heard ‘I Love You’ ever in my life by my parents or family members, I find that I freeze when I do hear those words from others and especially someone that I look up to, usually in a motherly role to me. Whether it be shock or just trying to burn them in my mind so I never forget and hold onto, for when I need it.

I never could understand this whole scenario that I do until just the last several years. The abandonment and attachment issues I felt growing up left a big void within my life. I recognize that now thanks to my Counselor. While that little girl in me, attaches to motherly influences, and only a select few get that honor, but I can now stand back and figure out why it is happening.

Sometimes I just ponder what it would have been like in life to hear those words growing up. Perhaps I hear and appreciate the words more now and know the difference in true, heart-felt words spoken from another’s mouth that came from their heart. So many times I hear those words just thrown around, as in saying have a good day or see you later. I want the one-on-one, maybe with a hug or holding my hand and if on the telephone, a hesitation and those words spoken to me of I Love You. I want them to profoundly affect my heart and remain in my memory bank.  4fcdd5d3-8f9b-4942-81fd-1259c34d01a5-46610-000030d3db8f9d52

Those moments, I find that I write them down with a date in order to re-read them over and over in case I feel that they never were said. Did that really happen, were they really said or am I making it up pretending I heard ? If more recent, I find I repeat them often out loud in the moments I need reassurance, or just to remind myself that they were actually spoken…to me.

Being one of not receiving love spoken or shown in life but just knowing I was loved and cared for, because my goodness I am their child and/or a family member, it makes you grow up wondering and doubting what love really is and what it feels like.

Having two children, that is as close as I know what love is, as they are my life. Being married, I thought that was love until broken and hurt although I care, but it’s limited. A broken heart is hard to mend even though forgiveness comes and there is peace. The heart still aches with much hurt and reluctance to ever trust or love again. Leaving me with a doubt of love that emerges yet again, as a child and I just exist.

Recently, I had somebody say to me, and she was one that ended up in my select few, but said, ‘I care for you and I love you.’ I froze. Typical in the flight/fright/freeze mode that happens with childhood emotional neglect and abandonment issues also. In this instance and the quietness on the telephone afterward, I was questioning my hearing from this person’s words, which took me by surprise. I did not know whether to laugh or cry from shock. Totally not expected from her.

Those words, I wanted them etched in my brain to hold onto. Will my heart truly feel them or ever believe them? With her knowing me so well, she even asked if I would. As I repeat them over and over, even today, there is a shock within. I smile and at times I cry rehearsing those words spoken to me. Help me to believe and feel the care and love, Lord.

Even with the Lord, I know He loves me. I know He has His Hand upon me. The older I get, seeing how He has led and directed my path so far and has blessed me, how can I not believe He loves me. He is all I have sometimes, a lot of times. Still, I question His Love at times, too. I have to believe and know because I know He Loves Me. Faith.6e0d8cd0-2f1e-4d79-8aa8-34b217eb52c1-46610-000030d40413c920

So many people need to know that they are cared for, to be encouraged and to know they are loved. There is a lot of hurting people out there around us with masks on pretending all is well when behind the mask, they are falling apart. How do I know? I have worn that mask all my life.

Childhood emotional neglect and all the crazy, mixed up things that are tied with it can wreak havoc on the young and having lasting effects on the grown ups. They just want and need to feel sincere love.

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