Words to Grasp

“I care for you and I love you.”

973f1f23-b95e-4a35-95a9-469e189acb7e-15524-0000034ece28389cWill you even be able to grasp that? The comment made to me from my counselor of four years in our apparent exit telephone conversation.  We had a nice relationship as counselor and client. How could we not? The trust in her and care and a love felt was present from one another, along with the boundaries required in this equation.

There had been times I wish we had a friendship rather than being counselor/client but knowing I needed her in that role, I was able to adapt and respect it.

Our last conversation and toward the end, those words were said to me.   While I knew I loved her as my counselor, a sister-like friend, I never expected to hear that from her.  It definitely took me by surprise, and I froze.  Did I hear that correctly as I gasped and rehearsed in my mind?  Minutes later, to hear her say lightly, “will you even grasp what I just said?”  Still in shock, I did not know.   I heard her say that, questioning me because she knows me so well.  I did not respond because of my shock and questioning myself if I heard her correctly or did I just hope and imagine that comment.  While I know she did, the surprise was shocking.  I do know, and I have repeated those words almost daily if not more, I still do.

You see, I never heard those words, ‘I love you’ growing up and still in a dead marriage of almost thirty years, nothing.  Always, just to expect they loved me, leaving a big void in my life.  So for me to gasp and wonder if I heard her correctly, it is understandable.   Sometimes my heart aches from a lack of love.  That, too, would be normal to feel, a definite loss.

Deep within, I do grasp those words as I repeat them as I mentioned; but also at times I question the validity just because it is not a usual comment made to me.  Love, I always have to wonder or in my case, ponder.

So many throw around the words of ‘love you’ and ‘love ya’ and while they are true, I desire sincerity.  Love means more to me than a word spoken freely.  With her words, I felt them and I wanted to hold onto them. I need to, in order to get through the loss.

So as I grasp the words from her or others that are sincere, I do hold onto them and it seems like I put them in a treasure chest within my heart to keep.

To hear them, to feel them is to grasp and hold onto them forever.

Be sincere with your love spoken.

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