Will It Be The Same?

7AAFC4E5-79AB-41ED-BBA6-1AFE3F659166As I get through some days and adjust to how it is and will be for awhile without my counselor, that has been a part of my life the last four years, I wonder and I ponder if and when we would start back up if it will be the same.

Odds are, no.  While that saddens me, perhaps I realize that I have grown more than I thought with our counseling sessions.  Four years on a weekly and sometimes twice a week, that is a lot.  Or is it that I am fearful that she will abandon me yet again.  I don’t know.   Time will tell and perhaps a counseling session or two, if it happens, I will know.  I really miss her though.  Today, I know I must go forward with or without her.  While I don’t like that, I know some people cross our paths for just a time.

I am adjusting and understand that the attachment I have toward her and the feelings of abandonment is from my childhood totally.   Something happened or perhaps over and over again to where I did not cling to my mother or my family but escaped in my own little world of independence.  I did not depend upon them for physical love.  Sadly, I do not remember a hug from anybody while growing up.  Unless you consider the half hug, stating this is my baby, while drunk.  No thank you, I’d rather do without.  My thought then, is if this is the only time that you can show me love, I’m not interested.  Sad.

Our family was large and with me being the youngest of seven siblings, seven years apart from my sister, that is a case for chaos in a child’s mind and emotional state.  Everyone was too busy with their lives, only to recognize and remind me that I am the baby.

93E817D3-0B87-40E3-9883-753E9C6C9734How many times have I heard, she’s the baby, she gets everything, blah, blah, blah.  Perhaps so because I was left while they all went about their lives, but I also got the short end of the stick.  I lived through some things they did not, such as the fighting, drunkenness, wreckless driving, to name just a few.   They will never know of all that and those situations because for one, they won’t believe me and another they still will not take to care.

Fear all around at a young age and nobody to share that with is tormenting and causes one to close in on themselves.  Never would I speak of things to a school counselor or a teacher, for that matter.  Nobody knew.

So for me to be drawn to my fifth grade teacher at a time of  growing and heading into puberty, I needed a role model and it was her as she was dressed well, jewelry, shoes, clothing matched.  I watched her every move in order to learn proper etiquette.  A beautiful woman she was and still is today.

With her, I became obsessed.  Living on the opposite side of town, I could see her house when driving down the highway.  Just to see a light on, it calmed me.  I was able to escape my lonely world as a child and going into hers wondering what she was doing, imagining a conversation between us, thrilled that a light was on because I knew she was home and near, etc.  There would be no connection between us then, except at school, but just the fact she was there, a light was on, I felt peace.  I never could understand why.

The little 1 x 1 school picture that I carried of her and looked at often gave me a sense somebody cared for me.  This teacher never knew any of this, probably just knowing I liked her, as students do, but truthfully she helped me grow up and understand what I wanted to portray in life.

Others have come and gone in my journey and to see a pattern, they are all teachers, nurses or hold a position in a company.  Each one I did about the same but usually became more friends with them as I become older and that was even better because I could talk and ask questions and learn from them.  Some of these special women have moved, our 0E8E6586-CCB7-4F5E-9E2E-6CFDF560210E close, crossed paths ended but still we still remain friends, and sadly a couple have passed.  I will always be thankful for their place in my life  because each one, I grew from and they showed me care, concern and love.

Then there are a hand full of others that were like mother figures to me and a few overlapped in role model.  I needed each of these to grow and receive love I never had in life growing up.

It was not that I wasn’t loved but I was never shown love or did they take time to know me.  I was just there.   While I remember asking my Mom if I was an oops baby when I was seven or eight and the question dismissed, I now truly believe I was.  That’s rough, even as a adult to accept.  B2FEE073-85E2-41D9-81A5-4041D85C0695

With all those that held a role-model and mother-figure, place in my life and heart, it boils down to that they took time to know me, to care and show me love in hugs.   Those hugs were like blood that flows through our bodies, they brought life and hope to me.  I felt special to them.  I needed those hugs.

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As with time and separation of each, it causes a void but I understand that they were in my life at that time for a purpose then.   Unless they have passed, I am still in contact with them but not as often.  The fond memories remain and hugs come when we meet.

Where would I be without them?  I don’t know but I am so thankful they were and are a part of my life.

Still, the ones that held and hold this place in my heart and I feel an attachment to, I still look for the light on.

My counselor, knowing she is on a leave of absence, her sign is still on the window at her office.  That brings me peace as I drive by,  as she is still present to me by seeing this while having no contact.  Attachment, my survival mode, yet again.  If and when that sign comes down, I may fall to pieces for a bit, as my world will feel chaotic and abandonment hits once again.  I dread that day.

99D74B0C-30FB-4A3C-9FD8-BC683664F4BFIt is interesting how a young child can go into a survival mode to help with abandonment, attachment issues and childhood emotional neglect… and continues but understanding nowadays why.

Thankfully, I had a counselor to help me understand all this and make sense of the chaos from childhood to adulthood.  Even between us, she understood me and the attachment issues, I felt.  To be heard and understood brings healing.

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