Today, the day I dreaded.
Driving over the back roads with my sister to go to dinner and a movie, I pass my counselor’s office who has been on medical leave. Her signage has been removed and my heart just drops.
I knew one day this was a possibility but never hoping it would. I had to pick up medicine on our way and in just that short distance, the emotions within me could not be contained. Basically, a death has occurred in my life. Flip flop from sadness to anger. Grief is such a pain, whether for the dead or the living, it sucks. No movies, no dinner, I apologized and dropped my sister off at her home and left to grieve. I don’t know how to handle this pain right now.
So many questions, so many loose ends, so much pain in this loss.
If you are reading this and in a position of helping others, THANK YOU.
I cannot imagine the whole education timetable and training involved that goes behind your degrees but what I have researched, out of curiosity, I am totally amazed.
Knowing from my own personal experience with my counselor the past four years, I am and have been so thankful with what light she has shed upon my life and to help me understand the confusion, pain and chaos within that I did not understand. Adult problems are childhood issues, a quote I have heard many times. True.
I cannot imagine where I would be if it had not been for her. I will never be able to thank her enough, or God for leading me to her at a time when I had no hope.
Being under her care, I have been taught, I have learned, I have done my own research and healing has taken place in my life. I am not the same person as I was when I walked through her door the very first time, thankfully. While I still have much to learn, grow and heal, I know it is a process. I give myself grace.
So, perhaps you feel overwhelmed and exhausted at times from listening to your clients, session after session of their visible and hidden pain, calming their fears, giving them ways to work through areas at hand and the list can go on and on and understandably so, but your own self-care is warranted and not to be overlooked. Through each session with each client, know that you just might be their only lifeline.
Still, after all of these weeks and months, I struggle in the area of grief missing my counselor in my life due to her medical leave of absence. After four years of almost weekly or bi-weekly sessions, my routine has been distrupted. Today, being Monday, I am still caught in the mix of missing my set appointment this afternoon and our fifty minutes or sometimes more of discussion. I miss talking to her.
While seeing another counselor about my counselor and the abandonment felt, I know he is only temporary and I can deal with that. The connection is not there although he is a joy to talk to. The last session with him, we discussed the availability I have to contact her of which I do but I am always so hesitant. I get so close to writing and then I delete my message, each and every time. Today included.
There is a risk of being hurt. Not that she would be rude to me because I was told to keep her informed but my normal excuse is not to bother her. Typical of childhood emotional neglect from what I have read. I never want to bother anybody. Even my temporary counselor, he gave me his private cell number but I told him that I will hold onto but will never use it and bother him. I won’t.
It’s one of those moments of thinking and doing. If I write, it shows I care and will brighten her day perhaps or if I write, it may be a bother and not be good. Right or wrong thought pattern, I don’t know, as I go back and forth. Who doesn’t like to know they are being thought of, right? It comes down to fear, yet again in me.
Sometimes, I think about letting her know of my blog and she can read for herself of my walk through this torment of loneliness, attachment issues and abandonment felt. I have no doubt that she knows I am dealing with all of this as she is a pretty smart cookie. She knew me better than I knew myself in all of these years together, which is somewhat scary in itself. Still, I hope that progress would be visible in my writing. Hey, I haven’t cried today yet thinking about things or writing this. Some days, that is a huge accomplishment, especially in the beginning. Still, tears will fall. A part of my life is gone. Will it return and will it ever be the same? Probably not.
Taking the risk always causes me to freeze in fear so my conclusion and questions within is always, am I right to write or not and can I handle the outcome? Today, I still don’t know so I will continue on, as is.
Sometimes, through the years I just want to throw my hands up. Even today, the thought of going and doing something at a moments notice, becomes deadend.
Over the past thirty-three years together, unless I plan and make plans aware and down to the minute, things will not happen in this relationship. No matter what it is. Yes, sex, too.
I do the planning, make financial decisions and no matter what, which is a lot of pressure on a wife. Perhaps realizing just four years ago I have dealt with Aspergers, I get it now but still it does not ease the frustration of the past, present or future.
Just today, the thought of going to a park I am unfamiliar with but he knows, I thought it would be a nice time to walk and enjoy the cool, crisp air with sun on my face. Of course, he is walking the dog and the daylight hours were nearing and that would be mentioned when I brought up this brilliant idea and time wasted on details of such fact. This is how it happens. Never ending. So, I usually go on my own and keep moving forward with, or most times, without him.
Is this typical with other Asperger couples? Never on the same wavelength and it becomes lonely and sad. I want more in life and fun. Just no connection.
So many instances in my life and I am sure of yours, there are moments that are like they happened yesterday. You can feel what you felt at the moment, see the place you were at the atmosphere around you and remember the words said, as if was all frozen in time.
I was thinking of this comment made to me months ago, while driving to work this morning, I did just that. The words said meant the world to me and re-living that moment, hearing them, knowing where I was, seeing the surroundings and feeling the gasp within as I heard the words on the other end of the telephone. I did the same this morning, I gasped as in being frozen because I remembered everything exactly as it was said, my posture, etc., because I did not want to forget and I haven’t.
While pondering this moment in time, I thought of other verbal comments made to me throughout my lifetime and, of course, some of those words were not as kind and forgiving, but I do freeze as if the words are being etched in my brain forever.
The words, “I care for you and I love you” were said on that day and I believe in all sincerity. I have had to repeat them over and over to myself since because of the sadness and grief feeling I have experienced since that day. Just dwelling on them this morning and recalling the memory, I am thankful I can remember the details. It has helped me cope with the separation in our relationship.
What we say to others just might be the spark of hope they need to hold on to, as these words are for me. Without saying, and as I previously mentioned, this can also include negative but let’s focus on the positive and lift up others. Let others know you care. We never know what the next person whether friend, family or a complete stranger is going through. Sadly, it just might be the last time you see them or associate with them and this lasting memory will be etched in their brain, as these words in mine and bring hope.
Have you ever signed up for something and later regret? Partly, wanting to slap yourself for being so willing.
Even though in this case, I feel this was a huge step for me to make myself vulnerable and be a willing vessel. Still, there is anxiousness within.
I signed up to hold a once a week, eight-week class. These are volunteer classes of topics that we feel comfortable sharing. I have been through so much and I am here today so I feel I can share and encourage others to put their faith in the Lord. Just knowing that you are not alone, going through something, can bring life and hope.
Honestly, part of me does not want people to sign up. I’m scared. If just making myself open to do this class, is enough for me. This was a big step for me. I put my feet in the water as they say, to test. If this all comes about and people do sign up and show up, it will be the Lord leading and directing because I am nothing. I am here because of Him.
To back out of, which I have tried and wanted to do many times, I did not feel like I should. A step of faith for sure.
It never fails, the moment I get all snuggled in my bed for a long winter’s nap, my mind wakes up with creativity. As I lay contemplating whether to get up to jot my thoughts down, I usually continue to remain comfortable and tell myself that I will remember. Who am I kidding? At my age, my remembrance does not stay intact as it once did.
If only I could stay awake and remain creative, continue to listen to podcasts that are of great interest, read the books sitting on my side table, visit a few dear friends that never seem to happen, and the list goes on. There is just not enough time to get things done plus stop and decompress from the work day whether in the office, cleaning the house, church activities.
Make it stop! I want to do all of those things. One day turns into the next very quickly.
The days are disappearing so fast and I feel I will not get everything done before I die. I know it just won’t matter then but today, it does. Do you ever feel this way?