Out of Time

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So much to do this week but the overwhelming thoughts of it all make me stop in my tracks.

The holidays are great and to see everyone but what they don’t see is me stuck in the chaos of it all. This old Mom is slower nowadays.

Where do I start to make the best outcome of it all fall together? My lists on paper stare at me. The panic within grows as I fall behind. The plans to conquer one thing leads to another and nothing gets completed, it feels. Little things here and there but I look around. Oh My!

No doubt a personality flaw or childhood issues that pokes its ugly head in my lack of accomplishments and in my frozen moments, in this or other areas. Or is it that I have attention deficit disorder. Probably all of the above, besides being older with aches and pains and less energy from my younger days. I sure miss those days. Perfectionism goes out the door, which is a flaw of mine, I have been told, and I have learned over the years, that it’s okay.

The good news, it does all fall together before I fall apart, but I do often wonder. I tend to think that God’s Grace and Mercy comes to give me a boost, as He sees me failing in my good intentions and in my panic. He is just that good.

I do tend to say often, “Lord Jesus help me.” I have to trust that He does. All the time.

Easter will be here soon and the family, and I will get to the point, it is what it is, as I am out of time. It really does not matter. Does it?

Afterward, when everyone is here and after they all go back home and to their own busy lives, I will look around and ponder the enjoyable day, and that they had no clue of my dilemma.

Thank God for His Many Blessings.

Dreams of Many

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Dreaming and seeing those we love, those that are living and those that have died, are my favorite.

I have good, movie-like dreams, in color, conversations and they are just so real.

Waking up from such a dream is bittersweet. Let me continue with it is often my thought but most times my thoughts will dwell on the dream that day, oftentimes writing them down or sharing.

A glimpse of the passing one brings joy to see them healthy and happy.

Just the other night, I had one of my oldest brother, we are eighteen years apart, who had passed in 2010. It was just us talking and laughing together. A joyous time I never had before with him.

Reason being, his wife was the talker and never gave him much of an opportunity to talk. There is definitely more to this story, but I’ll enjoy the good.

I managed to see him in a different light, as they say. Remembering the dream throughout the day and still, it brings joy. I never had that opportunity or much of a brother-sister relationship before with him.

Even this morning, waking up and remembering my fun dreams of this or that, the conversations, laughter, or moments involved, I would have loved to continue on sleeping and dreaming.

Wake up! Remember. Giggle or smile, as the thoughts come to mind of the silly twists and turns is what I normally do.

Dreams are funny in how our subconscious mind takes us to and fro with others and places, past and present.

Do you dream? Do you remember them? Are they happy dreams?

Worthy to Wear

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The past few days, the weather has been nice, but still a chill in the air. I love it. Anything between 60 and 80 degrees is my kind of weather.

In my going in and out, I have grabbed my now old walking jacket. It is a nice windbreaker type jacket, shimmery beige with a hint of yellow in color and when newer, a golden touch to the cuffs and collar. So pretty. It’s worn out now but still a good jacket, and I just wanted to wear it to work. So I did.

The left sleeve is really worn so I keep my hand in my pocket if near someone. As I was leaving work, I looked at it walking down the hall, remembering when I bought it.

Our boys were young, maybe preteen, and we all stopped at an outlet mall. While they were at the toy store, I wandered over to the women’s clothing store. I saw this jacket. It was $49.99, I believe. I tried it on and loved it. I debated on and off about the cost. Back then, that was a lot of money for a jacket, or really anything.

Having growing boys and expenses with school and sports, not to mention food to feed two hungry boys and whomever else that was at the house, I decided not to buy the jacket.

I loved it though, the color, style and length. Everything.

We all had a great day together and anxious to get home.

No matter what the days held for us, that jacket was on the back of my mind. I really loved to have owned it. Oftentimes brushing off the desire to have but with the cost but also a deep down feeling it was too nice for me.

It was that thought right there that changed the whole direction of the purchase. This mom can have something nice. I am worthy of such an item. I had forgotten who I was in life.

In doing and giving for others at home, work, church, volunteering, etc., and sometimes falling into a pit of exhaustion, the feeling of unworthiness rears its ugly head. Something changed within me. So, the following weekend, we drove forty-five minutes to go back for the jacket. Hoping and praying that it was still on the clothing rack for me.

No regrets! That pretty jacket back then has been my go-to so many times. It still looks good after fifteen plus years but showing wear and tear, but I still love it.

It is just a gentle reminder as I wear it or see it hanging, the thoughts and feelings that it holds. Understanding that I am worthy to wear it.

I was and am worthy.

God does give us the desires of our heart.

The purchase back then did not put us in bankruptcy. If anything, it added to my joy and confidence in wearing. Even today.

So with the tattered sleeves, I may slip my hands in my pockets to hide them, but I know the full story of this old jacket, of wearing it often through many types of storms in life, walking forward and knowing full well…

God knows my name.

God knows exactly where I am.