Invisible Me

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Our memories can run a mile a minute and mine did just that this morning. While reading a post written by another wife dealing with her husband’s Aspergers. With that and remembering myself years ago feeling the same, I could totally relate, in her saying, “I could not deal with being and feeling invisible any longer” so with her young child, she will leave the marriage. Of course, other issues were present but this one made me go back to a period that was just unbearable for myself. C7FC683F-16B3-4C97-B635-F41E30E36E6A

My boys were young, too, perhaps eight and ten. This one instance that is etched in my mind is one where we all left church to go get lunch at our favorite pizza joint.  As I remember, that whole morning and church service was uneasy. I would mention something and he would deny, like before, over and over. This was an ongoing dialogue between us. The craziness of that day in and day out was enough to tip me over the edge. Trust me, I wanted to jump many times, no tip needed. I stayed for my boys and dealt with the circumstances.

EC56EC75-49C9-4481-9718-9D487C1E7C85As the boys and my husband were enjoying the pizza buffet at the table, talking among themselves, I am sitting there being totally ignored. To remember, I feel and sense the sadness after all of these years still, just a lighter degree from then, thank God. I am eating and on the verge of crying but what good would that do? I sat there alone, emotionally distraught, feeling like a homeless person with my family. Exactly my feeling and I remember that thought so well, and the pain within.

A blanket of doom and gloom of this marriage was choking life from my body. This was about twenty years ago, as I write, and I had no inkling of Aspergers then or up until five years ago.

As I met with my former counselor who alerted me of Aspergers, that seemed to fall into the scope from my sessions, I felt the blanket lifted from me and the craziness that Aspergers can cause in a marriage relationship, which is a sad, lonely one. 37D69AF2-625B-4852-BC9B-01D6E0BC01BB

In our many sessions, of course, my childhood was discussed.  A lot of adult problems are unhealed childhood issues, which I have heard over and over again from my Pastor, in his messages. As a child living in an alcoholic home, not realizing it then as it was just my life, but I was present while I listened to conversations and observed my surroundings.  I remember my counselor commenting that it was interesting that I was invisible as a child and now as an adult in my marriage. I guess interesting although I understood what she was saying, more depressing than anything. I was invisible and had no voice.

Now, just recently, I did my two weeks, the eighty long hours required in clinicals for Phlebotomy certification, 53BB793C-649B-4518-ADF0-D6C80AB37DFDthe worst two weeks of my life. I remember a couple of times when I was alone in the lab office area, I held my hands up and moving like a Mime stating, am I invisible?  I did all I knew to do, and I am trying to help them and understand the process, as I was their legs to save them time but the training I should have had was weak in each of them, a waste of my time. When there was time to ask questions and time for them to explain this or that, they each had their nose in their cell phones. I was at a loss. I was being ignored, not trained properly and I felt invisible, yet again. Although now I know the role of being invisible, so I am there at this point to get my hours and required sticks, ignore me if you want. I am doing my time and I am out of there, just learning to hate a profession I thought I would enjoy.

So to read this mother’s woes of feeling invisible brought me this point of my writing.  Perhaps to remember what I came through and to treat others as they truly matter, that they are not invisible at all. Even the homeless matter. My heart is bigger knowing and feeling the pain that I dealt with and in that I do not regret what I have grown up with, my marriage and this past experience.

Each one of us need to be aware of those around us. We never know what they might be going through. Just a smile, costs you nothing, but can bring hope to a person who has none.

Thankfully, we are not invisible to God. He knows each of our names, where each of us are and the number of hairs on our head. Trust Him.

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She [Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi [the”well of the Living One who sees me”]. (Genesis 16:13-14)

Invisible

Millennial Counseling

Sometimes I just do not understand things in life. Surely I am not the only one.

DB086997-9FE1-4DE9-8257-69EE4E0773E6In regard to counseling, years ago and even today, others think you might be crazy to go for counseling or perhaps have a lack of faith in God. Trust me, I have experienced both of those situations. I know with myself, it is nice to have someone trusted and knowledgeable to talk to and gain advice by looking at them in the eye and knowing they are there with you, there’s a connection.

Back in 2002-2004, I went at first and finally insisted that my husband attend counseling so that we could get help 3F17B921-C853-4F57-8608-E331CA7B84D7for our marriage. Mind you, we were both active at our church and this did not look good if they knew we were seeing a counselor, the lack of faith part. We drove one hour to and from in order to avoid anyone knowing that our marriage was crumbling. I was too embarrassed and actually numb as to what was happening so this seemed to be the answer. It was great for awhile, things were improving between us. It was the fall of 2004 when it all went downhill.D2A19302-87E0-4F0E-BD9F-11542A8221E3

I was just done. Done with him, our marriage and done with that counselor.  Being betrayed by him, now the counselor. What do you do with that? I was slowly inching my way into a deep, dark hole of despair and depression only surviving by tending to my children and struggling to do that. While I was there for them physically, the rest of me lacked and, therefore, they lacked having a mother truly happy and whole. All of which I regret as I dealt with anger toward their father of what was lost in our family realm due to his choices, basically grief in the midst of it all. 

Years have passed and I thank the Lord that the boys have done very well but damage is there, as they also suffered, silently.  In many articles, discussions, etc., many argue whether is best to leave a bad marriage than stay and in my case, it was best that I stayed, so I did. Easy? No!

Finally, in 2008, I met with a male counselor for a year before he moved his practice out of state. Enough to get my mind calmed from the chaos of family estate issues on top of everything else. Also I learned that I had a stroke, probably due to the stress of it all. At least this counselor was only fifteen minutes from my home.

A new job for me, my son graduating, another son nearing graduation and mixed in with some friends that I could see trouble ensue and also a husband losing his job of twenty-two years, due to an offshore situation. Still dealing with a few family members and the hatred of me, being the Administratrix of now my brother’s estate, carried over from my parent’s estate, due to greed. How much more? Actually, I was afraid to ask how much more could I go through.0327EB99-60D1-4BFF-9F82-763285A949FC

Fast forward, life got busy as the boys graduated, college, moving to and from dorms to apartments, work, etc. Enough to keep me busy and my mind occupied of the issues and feelings stored within. The empty nest syndrome was alive and well causing now an emptiness along with a loneliness in my home. Each day was like the next while existing and lost in knowing who I was.

7F945197-238E-4E04-9046-7C1219A7A939As in my writings, I share that I saw my former counselor for four years and she was only two miles from church, if that, back in 2014. It did and does not matter any longer to be concerned in what others think, wondering if I was crazy or if I had a lack of faith. I was taking care of me. I had to. I still see counselors, as I find it helps me and I know I have come a long way.

AFC8DA0F-A4D9-4C90-A649-8F5447CEFE5ENow, I am dealing with a son, in the millennial age group, that could use counseling. I mentioned to him and have sent him leads of many in his area that would be good for him to go talk to. He knows I see a counselor, he never asks why but I have no doubt that he can see that he has a happier mother, and I am. Taking care of me so I can them, when and as needed.

Why is it that these millennials nowadays feel that going to counseling is not needed by going and sitting across from one another. It was when he said he would get counseling online. I just cannot grasp that. Perhaps if in an area that is remote but not where he lives. How can there be a connection? I would miss this closeness of meeting and talking, feeling safe to talk about whatever under the sun. I have loved my counselors, even the first one, even though we had an issue that was not handled properly.647E8292-1776-46F8-A84F-0552A21654D0I discussed this with my present counselor recently while trying to ‘get it’ in my head how this would help him or anyone. Trying to imagine myself in that online counseling, there’s no way. Those four years, my former counselor could pick up of me closing in due to depression, lack of self-worth, many physical signs and help me understand myself that a monitor would not do, I feel. I realize technology is the way of life nowadays and while I love it also, face to face counseling is important.

In all that and my thoughts and opinions, it is just that. Whether it be my son or others considering online counseling, that’s their decision. My son is an adult and he makes his own decisions in life. Still, I am his mom. I just have to pray for him, love him and trust the Lord to cover him in his daily life. I must have faith, as He knows all about my son.

 

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I Do Not Know

Time is the utmost importance to my husband, a routine for everything in his daily life. Through the years, I could tell you what time it was without looking at a clock, and still.

1273D36A-7EBA-4A65-86F1-18124B059B36As I think back to our first apartment together as husband and wife, his closet of suits, shirts and ties were organized in a way that made me squinch my eyes, thinking what is up with that, especially for a man. It was interesting but it worked for him and I did not touch his system.

Sometimes, I have heard laughter about socks, pairs of socks that were separated in two drawers, the right drawer and left drawer, for socks of the left and right foot. If we had the room, I would expect just that.

A little quirky but aren’t we all? I would leave it at that but still sometimes shaking my head of, whatever.

Bedtime was and still is a major time issue, even after thirty years. No matter what is happening or who in the house, it is his bedtime at 10 pm, leaving me, boys, 15833DC3-EE4F-49DC-BB01-957B5AA88CDCcompany, etc. If we’d be out later than usual, he would shut down at 10 pm. Since we had children, especially our first, after 10 pm, I am on my own with this child and basically needed to keep the baby quiet or could receive a look. A baby will cry, we all know that. When there was no consoling this bundle of sweetness, this child would become velcroed to my breast for nursing. I was exhausted while he had his precious sleep. After awhile, anger starts to build within due to lack of sleep and my F493BF8A-EDE7-4AE4-8C3A-19EF65D030A9own self-care. This continued with the second child, two years later also. Thankfully, I was a stay-at-home mom, feeling like it was my duty, but I also enjoyed my role as a mother. He is the one working and bringing the money home so I just have to deal with it and know my place.

As the boys got older, they would all go out to play, leaving me at home, most times. That was my time. Sounds great. My time consisted of cleaning, catching up on laundry, etc. Still, to this day, the mailbox is all mine, as I am to get the mail, because back then, that was my only outside life, it felt like.62A2C657-7F89-4F6C-8252-CAB865005A2C

Just odd moments through the years of not understanding the disconnect. I did catch that we talked black and white after many years, as we were both saying the same thing but differently, while shaking my head in confusion. I still have to stop and see through the mumbo, jumbo. Maybe it is me, something is wrong with me, was an often thought, I’m just stupid. Knowing he is intelligent, and he would tell you that, too, top in his class.

Funny how family members picked up on his oddness, especially my one sister, asking why I was marrying him. Years in our marriage, many of my family and friends  learned to dislike the man.  My older sister, living several hours away, suggested that I do not bring him back. I never did and that has been maybe twenty years ago or more. When I visit her, I make it sound like it is a girl’s weekend to transition this traveling together, never questioned. I’m sure he is relieved also to not fit into their world or routine. Everyone is happy.

The seven-year itch of marriage, was what a friend told me that I was experiencing when I mentioned something did not feel right, at that point in our marriage, a gut intuition, later to be on-point.

In this period though, I had some heart issues and was in the ER a few times. When I notified him at work, this one time, as a friend took me, she actually heard the 5C1AC260-F677-444E-8670-4F5495801AF5conversation. It was him questioning me. How long will you be there? I do not know. When will the doctor be in? I do not know. What are they going to do with you? I do not know. Will you have to stay over? I do not know. It continues, never asking how I was. Waiting for him to 5C1AC260-F677-444E-8670-4F5495801AF5ask if I was going to die. I do not know would be my response, of course. With that, and other things, I knew there was an issue.  What gives?  What is wrong with this man? Still to this day, he is never to be in the ER room, or when being prepped for surgery or in the recovery room with me because I have to answer his general questions with I do not know over and over again. One surgeon was upset with him on one occasion for not showing up and was hesitant to go forward with my surgery.  With him, I 5C1AC260-F677-444E-8670-4F5495801AF5had to say let’s do this, as I do not know where he is. The surgeon did so but was not pleased with my husband.

Life goes on and I just deal with it but by 2014, I am convinced I am the crazy one in this relationship. Wonder why? Family and friends, if I had talked to them of matters, would just say he was odd, leaving me quietly suffering, as they would not understand the extensiveness of this situation.

I finally started with my former counselor and realizing before we met, she knew marriage issues for years was the topic from our telephone call.  My first words were, as I sat in her office was that I think I am going crazy.

It may have been about two sessions with her, as it did not take her long at all to pick up on the possibility of Aspergers with him. Suggesting such, I always thought it was a childhood diagnosis, he is a grown adult, so I discounted her theory.  The following week, again 9A2FC821-A6D3-47AF-B77A-0992C5BF3B27discussing the chaos and her stating, the Aspergers, repeating for that month, I finally understood and went searching for information, books, etc. I believe she was onto something and the more I poured myself into research, talking to her and that I finally felt heard, I realized I was not crazy after all. It is the Aspergers that I had been dealing with in him, for many years.

All of these years, my married life, I thought it was me, being stupid and all. There was a freedom in knowing I was dealing with Aspergers and it ALL made sense. The lightbulb moment.

Did that make life easier? Not really. It was just knowing what I was dealing with and having facts in front of me to grasp why this or that is done or said. The many years of struggling, I gave up on our marriage and due to other situations.

My counselor back then went to a conference and Aspergers was a topic, how perfect was that. Two couples, one married for years and the wife was was just done, as in my case. The other couple was newly married and aware of Aspergers, knowing right off the bat what they were dealing with, and had hope. Interesting. I believe she heard that at a time needed for me, my life and situation.

Life as a neurotypical (NT)  with one having Aspergers (ASP) can be challenging for sure. 72933A83-FF48-45E5-836B-921F02C15E9C

Actually, I am one of the lucky ones as he is a great employee, as he diligently works in his computer analyst position of coding, etc. A position that other employees hate because it is so detailed, tedious and routine. Is he a good husband, father, brother, friend, etc.?  He is actually, as good as he can be.

A few weeks ago, I was telling him when he got home from work, of course, at the exact time as every work day, that our son was coming home to visit. While I was excited to see our son, the questions began. When will he be here? I do not know. How long will he be here? I do not know. What is he coming up here for? I do not know… perhaps just to visit. These would be non-ending questions so I walk away. I do not know how to deal with him much more, otherwise. It is okay because those are my boundaries. Otherwise, I do not know how much longer I would be there or I could take it.

Life is fun! Right? Don’t tell me, I do not know. 🤣

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Please know, this blog is in no way bashing my husband or those with Aspergers but to allow others dealing with the same of a spouse, child, family member, friend or co-worker an insight of the black/white relationship, knowing you are not alone.  

Just that can mean the world, you are not alone. 3456A58D-FE6B-4725-AEE1-695869C2F613

Often I read in Facebook private groups (there are plenty available) tonight of wives that have an Aspergers husband. It is common to read their frustrations over and over again, many wanting to run for the hills out of desperation. 

So, if you think you or someone you know might be dealing with this, as something is just off, it is worth looking into. Look up Aspergers (Google search or Pinterest). I was blown away with the research and thank God I did, and I had a counselor to recognize the symptoms I described in my own desperation and hopelessness, after twenty-five years of marriage. 

This book was my favorite. 

Detrimental effects on Neurotypical Wives

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A Slap of Shame

While driving to work the other day, my mind was busy just thinking of this or that, what to do once there, thoughts of what recently happened, etc., as normal.

Apparently, there was a song that came on to trigger a memory but what it was, I do not know now. What I do remember is how I had to deal with this periodEC3DC5C1-9754-4D5C-B8F1-0E6F3B56699B of driving and stopping at traffic lights as I made my way toward the office.

My oldest son, years ago, was working in Tennessee and was five hours away. This was way too far I loved the location, it was beautiful and he had a nice apartment. This time in his life, he definitely matured and had to deal with matters on his own because his parents were not near and he did it, I was so proud of him. Thankfully, he was back the next school year in Kentucky. This mama was happy.  Letting go is not always easy, as most moms can attest.

A70136AA-0AB2-439A-90CC-323FD8543761It was in the winter that year especially, that his distance from home I found more depressing for me. Those Christmas songs that start way too early did not help matters. The song, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” was the worst, or perhaps it was and is the best. I could not get through it without crying and even remembering that still while sitting at a stop light, I felt those tears well up ready to flow down my face.

This past Christmas, my oldest son and his wife were in Florida visiting her family. I adjusted very well, as I knew that was only right to share them. It was when my youngest son decided not to come home for Christmas. Although, the day before, he told me he would be on time for dinner and seemed excited and, of course, I was so happy that he would be home for Christmas. My son is coming home.

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On Christmas Day others were late arriving, which is typical in this family but it got be very late and my son still was not present or had we heard from him. Of course, concern was trickling within my mind while I was hosting Christmas for my husband’s family. I want my son. I want him here, he is my son, he is my family. Where is he? The questions turned into worry as the time passed.

Finally, we heard from him. Oh to be young and carefree, with a sleep schedule that is all over the place. He overslept so now he has no interest to come home. Seriously?!?  My heart dropped and I was so hurt. I wanted to just sit down and bawl my eyes out. There was no way that I could keep a straight face of how that affected me and I really did not care. While I did not cry, I DF6007CA-2358-4586-B112-0F22CB8BDE3Fdid express to his father that I was not happy of his decision and they all heard me. How could they not know that? I think they heard my heart drop. I was just done. In my mind screaming, just everybody go home, as I want to fall apart and now anger was becoming a part of my emotional turmoil.

Normally, if and when hurt or in this predicament, I would just escape within myself and become quiet, not mentioning my hurt or show emotions. I wore a mask very well through the years and I could have won an Oscar. Thankfully, I am not the same person so I was not going to crawl into a shell. I did express my displeasure calmly. While I did not cry, I had to walk through the house, taking our grand dog that we were watching outside because he needed fresh air. Right? It helped the dog (and me) because when mama is not happy, nobody is happy, which was now a joke somewhat, when I returned, but true. The day continued and was fine although I had AFD3135B-1C35-4C74-8C01-BE1AB96B7E25neither of my sons at home, there was a void on Christmas.

Everyone is gone, what food was not taken by others is now all put away and dishes are done. It’s amazing how quick clean up can be done if upset. I was ahead of the game and I was ready to settle in for a long winter’s nap.

Forget the nap, my son appeared finally. The atmosphere in our living room was a little cold with our visit, at first. I knew he was uncomfortable, as I was and upset. We were all uncomfortable. He is an adult and even when younger and at home, rarely had we had such moments.  Maybe we should have had them.

Finally, the atmosphere was easing. I love my son and I know he loves me. I understand being young and doing such careless things, I really do.  Maybe, I wondered, if this was a payback to me of wrongs I did to my parent. The karma phrase many use, what goes around comes around, although that can be in bad or good but many see it as bad and want the worst, which is a whole other writing. 55D68B9F-327F-4219-BF0D-FD90DE0ADA20

Anyway, after his father went off to bed, my son and I talked. I expressed my hurt calmly and that I felt it was disrespectful of him to do this, especially on Christmas. This was not just for me but his grandparents and whole family, it is a time for all of us to be together. I wanted and needed my son at home. Knowing, too, this might be the last Christmas with the grandparents due to health issues. Also, one day he will regret the decision he made when I am gone, too, wishing he had more time with his mother.

Now that was all over, the new year is upon us and our relationship carries on and while helping him this past weekend at his new house, we had fun. Perhaps, that period and discussion brought us somewhat closer than before. He got to see his mom cry and hear the hurt of my heart, probably something that a son does not want. I was being real.4CDF2457-50F1-48D3-8846-EA6CCCF8B46C

As I mentioned before, and when they were young and at home, I wore a mask even with them, pretending that our home was a happy one between their father and myself. The mask is off more than on nowadays. I am better and happier, as it is quite nice taking care of me for once instead of hiding the sadness.

Now, with all that, while at the stop light, fighting back the tears as I could hear the song in my mind, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas,” a battle began.

It was a period of feeling like a no-good-for-nothing mother, I was wrong to express my feelings to him, he was going to pull away and never come home and that I was worthless and… WOW!!!

I caught all that and felt like25053267-F9F6-47CB-B438-38F24FA2119A a slap of shame was hitting me on one cheek and then the other and back again to make me crawl back into my hole of despair, feeling like a loser. NO, I WILL NOT!!!

All those years in counseling paid off at that point, as I could turn those negative lies around because I knew this was shame being hurled at me. I am a good mother, I have been a good mother and I always will be a good mother to my boys.

I believe that my boys and my husband and others have noticed that I am not the same person, but better. I can be direct and calm if I need to, in respect instead of hiding and them wondering if they need to walk on eggshells. I am not worthless, I am worthy to be their mother. The slap of shame had to stop.4E64CA34-5C75-4730-AD6B-4EF93158684D

Shame can and will erode any and all positive attributes in each of us. It makes us feel less than and the enemy will make sure we take that as a hook line and sinker so that we will not be all that we can be and have joy.

FEDBD51B-3170-40F7-8680-2F217B2EEBE9It felt great to know that I could acknowledge the shame and how I felt slapped from one traffic light to another. Once I grasped what was happening, turning these negative thoughts around. I was told and taught in counseling many times as we discussed such scenarios, the rewiring our brain, etc.  All of which sounded far-fetched, honestly for a long time, but I got it and I did it.

Shame, you are not going to slap me around anymore, not if I can help it.

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Shame is an unpleasant self-conscious emotion typically associated with a negative evaluation of the self, withdrawal motivations, and feelings of distress, exposure, mistrust, powerlessness, and worthlessness.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201104/shame-concealed-contagious-and-dangerous-emotion

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/shame

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/neuroplasticity

Crumble or Conquer

154EA5E8-9E33-4A52-8EF0-E325816578B2What an interesting year, last year, it was for me, experiencing the ups and downs of life and holding on through it all. How about you?  As we are now over the holidays and the start of another year, how did you do and how are you holding up?

Remember, no mater what comes, we are resilient enough to move through struggles, heartaches, pain, tears, etc., even though it may not feel as such. The thoughts of give up, I cannot do this anymore or I have had enough seems to be constant thoughts or verbal outbursts at times, I know with me. Normal. Still, keep going forward as tomorrow is another day, and the days after that.1F08B259-AE97-4271-9041-FD6ADCABDEAA

Life can knock us down at times in many circumstances ABBBB1AB-2E23-46CE-88DC-1CC4DE4E6DDAbut do not stay down. Acknowledge within yourself that you have been through worse probably and are stronger than what is front of you.  Most importantly, put your trust in the Lord.  Walk and live by faith, not by sight.

Don’t crumble but conquer so that the joy in your life becomes evident to yourself and to others.  It’s there, sometimes we have to fight for it.0C19919B-E80B-47A9-9C32-62DC7F123320

 

Ring of Hope

On my way to work yesterday morning, for whatever reason, I was thinking about hope. We all need it, we have it or we want it. Life is so hard to be hopeless and I know for a fact that it is.

Years ago, I faced some rough periods that lasted for many years in my marriage and with family members, and still. It was back then though and at times, I did not care if I lived or if I died. I just existed. My boys were my 32476962-D43D-4E77-89F9-1DC9CB1BFB0Clife and having them, I knew I had to plow through the lies, betrayal and whatever else was thrown at me. All of this was not just me thinking it, it was actually happening in my life and then in my mind it would work overtime convincing me that I am worthless. The hopelessness loomed over me like a dark cloud, and I remained quiet within my safe cocoon, not sharing my emotions and the chaos within. Due to those that I thought loved me, I felt saddened and that nobody could be trusted, I pulled away from everyone, keeping my distance.

I breathed the same air that they did but I was dying 13D4E067-76AB-4802-A6AC-4B6CC9F7003Dinside and really nobody cared, even the church. Perhaps I had made myself so invisible. With those sitting on the same pew and around me or even the Pastor looking out at the congregation, I was alone, screaming inside for somebody to help me. How to help me? I did not know but 30C95648-A081-4DE2-9E9B-28AB4C6A35A7any glimmer of hope was snatched and held onto, if just a smile or a pat on my arm. There was hope, that I was still among the living.

One evening we went to a department store walking through the aisles but away from my husband. I was just there but feeling so empty. I had no plans to purchase anything on that trip and I am unsure why we were there but we were. It was down this one aisle, which had end of the season items in it and at a discount. There was a small landscape rock on the shelf that just had HOPE on it, which caught my eye. It did not cost much as I picked it up, looked at it and knew I needed HOPE and trying not to cry. Still I put it back on the almost empty shelf and walked away. Sadly, it looked lonely on that bare shelf as I placed it back down and walked away. As we got near to the cashier, I kept thinking of the rock. I wanted that rock but felt how selfish that was of me to buy a silly rock for myself. Still, I could not let it go in my mind so I went back to get it and brought it home with me. It is still in my landscape after all of these years by my front porch and I see it when I come in and when I leave. I have HOPE, if just in a rock.579D5F58-BA3E-42DF-927E-80EB8FC297CA

I have to believe that the Lord wanted me to see that rock and to have it, just to lift my spirit up for a bit and still years later. One night on my way to church, I felt like I needed to take the rock with me. Now it is my pet rock, as I amused myself placing it in my purse for whatever reason. That evening, the worship service was great as usual and as a friend was leaving the platform, she looked at me and said, I think you have something to say. Yikes! Actually, I did and it was all about HOPE. While they knew nothing of what I was going through, I could at least express hope for somebody in the congregation to grasp, too, if needed. Plus, it helped me to share the HOPE in my life and circumstances.

While I would love to erase those sad, terrible years and the memories, I do not want to forget either. As hard as it was, I am a better and stronger person within myself and in my faith. I had to have HOPE that the Lord would help me and He did, He still does and He will.

1F4D45F0-C3B1-4C29-A7DB-D7EA453D5CC2In this time period also, it was when I was at a sports or a musical event in a big arena. I remember sitting there by myself but I know others were with me, although I felt alone whether they were there or not in that season of my life. As I sat there and looked around, I saw a shiny object in the corner, under a seat. Of course, I was curious as to 8D33028F-DDD4-49B1-AC96-E2DBF6576FB7what it was so I managed to pick it out of the yuck in the corner. It was a ring. A simple silver, not sterling or of value really, but it had HOPE wrote on it. One of those moments you think and smile, thank you Lord of HOPE.

Now with that ring on my finger to enjoy during the event especially, I felt I needed to turn it in but there was nothing open to give it to anyone for lost and found. I  did end up taking it on home with me and wearing it. It was NO accident really that I found that ring. I do believe that the Lord was just reassuring me to have HOPE.

Such a few, simple things as such to make one’s faith grow because I know He knows my name and He knows where I am and the same with you. HAVE HOPE, grasp and hold onto it. Trust Him!

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Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 5:1 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

Without Christ there is no hope.” -Charles Spurgeon

Psalm 39:7 And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

1 Timothy 6:17 As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their hopes on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy.

Psalm 71:5 For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth.

Mark 9:23 And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.”

Psalm 43:5 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 119:114 You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.

Psalm 33:18 Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love,

Job 5:15-16 He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth; he saves them from the clutches of the powerful. So the poor have hope, and injustice shuts its mouth.

Every thing that is done in the world is done by hope – Martin Luther

Psalm 130:5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope;

Psalm 119:81 My soul longs for your salvation; I hope in your word.

Psalm 9:18 For the needy shall not always be forgotten, and the hope of the poor shall not perish forever.

2 Corinthians 3:12-14 Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away.

Psalm 146:5 Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God,

Psalm 42:11 Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Titus 1:1-2 Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ, for the sake of the faith of God’s elect and their knowledge of the truth, which accords with godliness, in hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began

Little by Little

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Little by little the thoughts of you are slipping away unsure if it really matters, as I sometimes wipe my tears away.

You were there but now you are gone, while I do understand life goes on.B20AFD0D-E8E6-43A2-9967-844EDFEFCEB4

The journey of life takes many turns, and I am happy to say that I have learned.

Each day holds something new but my remembrance brings me back to you.

2354E5BF-54E8-4404-BF59-CE7A246ED04EHow can I forget what you have done, as it was you that made me to believe in who I am.

So many thoughts and words to say but the way it ended there was no way.

I think you would be proud of me of what I have done, I sometimes wish I could share.

Am I ever a thought in the mind of yours, perhaps wondering if I am doing okay?

I am trying so hard to move on, but I still get hung up with the lack of closure we had.F0A28DBD-4DB9-42DE-9D82-B36A5C3632C9

Thoughts of gratitude most often I have, but still I have bouts of anger that appear.

No matter whether I am a thought or not, I am so thankful from the bottom my heart.

I would not be where I am today had it not been for you, and I know that was all in the Lord’s plan.

So little by little I will go about my days, knowing my questions of why and my hurt will go away.39EAE351-D11A-4164-B39F-623D41901EF3

I wish you well as I try to let go but knowing you will always be a part of my testimony.

I will keep moving forward and enjoy each day, knowing my days ahead will lead to joy.

You may never read this and that is okay, it is just my way of letting go, little by little, day by day.

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In my previous writings, I have mentioned my counselor, now former counselor. I had been with her for four years, weekly if not twice, and to count it all up, that is a lot of time together. Besides the Lord, she knew me quite well, more than my family and friends, actually better than I knew myself. The closing of her counseling services was like a death to me, so I still grieve. No matter, I am always thankful for her.