What If?

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Make them stop! What if this. What if that. Just what if….

We never know the what if even though the question consume our mind at times. We deal with it and keep moving forward to figure it all out. Most of the time, the worry of what if was useless. We still do it.

Here I am facing surgery in less than two weeks. So much to do and prepare. Will I succeed in conquering everything, I wonder. It even comes to the point, if I do, great and if I don’t, oh well.

It’s crazy how our thoughts bombard our mind and place fear. Of course, surgery is serious and it is normal to feel anxiety and even fear. Even tonight, as my mind goes here and there, the BIG question, what if I die?

That also is a normal response. What if? Well, I realized there are things I need to get done or want to do and so on. It won’t matter. The constant ‘to do’ list in my daily life will not exist. I have to be honest, there was somewhat of a relief in that brief moment. It was a good thing, as fear left. It will not matter one little bit. Of course, others will need to take care of my leftovers but that’s normal, too.

So I get done what I can before surgery and what I don’t get finished or tended to, I will pick up after I am healed enough to do so and keep on enjoying life.

It’s nice to put the ‘what-ifs’ away. Worry adds nothing but additional stress.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Crazy Cats

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I have always had a pet, whether it be a cat or a bird growing up. Then it all happened again as an adult, a cat and a bird.

One cat was not enough though, as I found two were better than one. It’s true, they have each other to play, sleep and aggravate each other.

It is when two turns into eight, I about lost it, especially when my husband had to move over to take care of his mother. I was feeding eight cats morning, noon and night it felt like. Don’t get me going on the litter boxes, that’s just a load of crap.

I did this for several months, which took up a lot of my time. They knew I was home from work or it was time for bed, as they knew that meant a treat or food. Looking down and seeing all those eyes and feet was overwhelming.

Bedtime was great. They all found their little favorite place and settled in. When they are inside at night, they did not roam or cause havoc, it was a safe place for them. I was and still amazed at their obedience. Every now and then, there is one that needs attention.

These cats, that started at two, then eight, each have a story and different personalities. The six came from the previous owners that moved and left them. They would visit but when it came to complete abandonment, they adopted us. In return, we adopted them.

Taking them to the vet, I usually make a day of it, since we live close. It’s two by two, four times. The vet loves us, as the tab builds for each one.

With the responsibility falling on my shoulder, I had to make a decision of moving a couple of them to a no-kill shelter. It was hard. I felt like a failure but I had to do so. One has already been adopted out while the other still has his bully attitude and will remain in the shelter a little longer.

Now I have five. Yes, I lost another one. One of my original two. She had been sick and lost use of her back legs, which meant she had to have personal hygiene care. Knowing at the end, she and I were both miserable, I made one last trip to the vet with her, holding her until the end. No animal should suffer and be in quiet pain.

Now the five. The one original I had with the one I lost, his personality changed. Usually, he was her companion and best buddies, which is why we had them. He became like a different cat and no longer aloof but one that needed attention. Cats know and grieve, too. He is often by my side, helps me go to the bathroom, he knows my every turn. He has buddied up with the other cats, well two of them. The other two are old, cranky and set in their ways. Still, he has been a delightful cat. Most are.

My youngest, found on the side of the road as a kitten with broken pelvis was cared for and doing great. She will eat some and get a burst of energy. So funny.

No matter what they do or not do, they have their own way of stealing my heart. Sometimes I just laugh and usually say, you Crazy Cats, on a daily basis, as I wait for their beckon call to go in, out or be held. I have two that stay in, the other adopted cats have trained me to open doors.

No matter, I have learned them and they have learned me. We manage and while they bring joy and work, I love each one.

No more crazy cats though, I need a life.

Online

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I sometimes wonder if other mothers are like me. As we have babies and they grow, we are the one who tends to them and the responsibility is great but so rewarding, even though we do get tired.

Once high school is over, these kids are venturing out in the world. Little by little as this moment of release, we have felt the relationship loosen its grip of needing mom. On the first one, I felt a grief and on the second, I recognized what I was sensing. A sadness, a grief of no longer being needed. I would, of course, always be their mom but not in the same role. It’s hard.

Then there is college. Wow! They are on their own in an unknown place , making unknown friends and having choices in all areas of good and bad. Mama has no control. There is no curfew or rules and a new-found freedom is exciting for them. All the while, as each child leaves, the ‘empty nest’ becomes real.

As a mom or as parents, we learn to live differently. Who is this man I married or vice versa, who am I to this man. A real test there may take place. The child(ren) find their path as the parent(s) do.

It’s been ten plus years with both of my children living on their own. Thankfully, college brought 4.0 grades for both and many good friends. There were some moments here and there but that’s life.

I don’t talk or call/text them daily and there may be days or weeks, as I know they have a life and busy. They will contact me at times, which I am overly thrilled and will stop what I am doing to share this time. I have learned to FaceTime with them, which is nerve wracking for me but normal for them. I’m learning. I’m blessed with two great young men.

They have had my prayers even before I had them and they will until my last breath. One thing, they will never have to doubt is my love or my prayers for them.

Tonight, and other times, I can see if they are online in certain social media outlets. I laughed at myself, as just seeing that, it gives me a peace. I see that they are there. I am here. It just kind of makes everything in the world okay for this mom.

I am their mom, always will be, online or offline. ❤️❤️