Goodbye Baby

38433AE9-810F-447D-A975-77BAF78D1921In just over twenty-four hours, three of us will be walking in for a dreaded appointment but only two will be walking out. Our precious Baby will be crossing The Rainbow Bridge. My goodness, how hard it is to make this decision and to carry it out. While I know it is the right thing to do, I hesitate and think well maybe one more day, one more week. The same result will come. It is time.

I have held my sweet cats when this was needed many times through the years but never a dog. These silly animals can wreck havoc on the hearts of humans. Their eyes tell you so many things, they wag their tail with joy when they greet you, bark when you leave as to saying take me with you or maybe it has been goodbye. It is so 6E4A7C5E-8F65-4F81-8F72-6B104DBEAE79hard and will be so hard to not see or step over or around this bundle of love.

Our Baby is old so she has way outlived her years more than most. Just this year, oral cancer has been aggressive even after one successful surgery and now weeks later again it returns. I cannot do another surgery. It’s not fair to her and selfish for us to try desperate measures to hold her here.

While I understand this task and grief in past pets leaving, actual family members passing and just relationships ending, the grief is intense. My husband is a basket case and will be, never having close connections in death or experiencing such. I will grieve and he will grieve but this might bring out a part in him that he is unsure of and me, too. I know in such situations, you take life day by day and when that is too much, hour by hour.

Our sweet Baby will never be forgotten and we will for a long time be ready to let her out to potty, take a walk, get her favorite treats, remember her sitting in her favorite spots in the yard only to be reminded she is no longer here as tears may flow.  Adjustment. A new normal for our home.

A rescue animal. Who rescues who? ❤️75C2D0C0-A77F-4950-AA68-1E9737457111

 

 

I Am Worthy

I Am Worthy!12BE7E16-A8D2-49AE-8B6F-B93188D0496F   You Are Worthy!

It has taken me years to get that in my thick skull to understand and feel I am worthy. I am sure I have wrote about this before, at some point.

At times regretting it took so long to get here but on the other hand, a relief that I am finally here. I am ME. The Lord knew me before I was even born, He had plans for me and what I was to face in life, never leaving me but loving me, just as I am.

25C9C74C-4032-4844-912D-F00358AAFA33So many times, I looked to others for my worth waiting for a compliment or to know they cared in some, small way or the hugs I craved. When received, my hope and worth in life became alive and joyful. Somebody cares for me. Sadly, short lived. The memories of that moment of high feeling that may last for days, comes down to trying to conjure up the memory or that same, sweet feeling and hearing words said directly to me. While I can remember, it is not the same. Sadness overcomes my soul for I need another fix. Somebody please tell me you care for me, hug me please as my mind is screaming, pat my arm so I can feel that touch again and burn it in my memory, I am desperate for connection.

I would never share those thoughts or words with anyone, always knowing I was desiring and screaming on the inside. In hopes one day, I would be loved by somebody and find my worth.

Thankfully, I had a counselor that heard the cries within and speaking of them with her, I no longer had to carry them alone. The Lord truly knew my heartache and allowed her to intervene. To share them brought embarrassment and shame but brought healing each time.

0917CC9A-78AD-4BC9-9154-22ED5C8E3B30The cage I was in of desperately wanting love and worth of others can only come from the Lord.  Releasing others from their attention and love that I required and hungered for only comes in small doses but receiving at times sometimes unexpectedly is so much sweeter.

I know without a doubt that joy, my sense of love, feeling special and worthiness is all from the Lord.554B51EB-EC85-4756-89E0-6041796A6FB7

When I don’t feel and know that within, my attention has wavered to people, not God. I always knew that deep down, but I thought it was easier to get and receive from those I can see and touch.

His Love is forever and ever.  It is where my love is focused upon that determines the outcome.

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Lost Love?

 

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The other day, I got off the telephone at the office with an attorney about a case but ended up talking about our families, etc.  Knowing he has small children and having a busy law office covering many counties in this area, we got on the subject of taking time to breathe but also making sure his wife, the mother of his children is taken care of, too.  In his honesty and regrets, saying he has failed in this area while building his law firm.
I find it funny how many people and professionals such as this attorney will call into our office and this happens.  Perhaps they just need encouragement and the Lord is allowing me to do just that, which I like doing.
I know from experience that mothers lose themselves as they tend to the children, the school work, the groceries, cooking, housekeeping and you can AF45D6F0-AAB1-42D1-BBA8-E70BFCC8B7B9name a lot more I am sure, too.  They go and go and give and give and soon they are bankrupt, nothing to give at all  As the children grow and become more independent, it gets somewhat easier but then worry sets in moreso as they are driving and making decisions, etc.
B1069B56-9333-4128-A77F-96A5ECC798E6Just with this nice man who has been great to deal with in our business relationship to where we can talk about our families and such matters, I encouraged him that he needs to dote on his wife more.  It is time to take date nights that have fallen by the wayside.  Take the children to a family member or friend and maybe trade off times with other couples to do the same.  Anything!  Make it happen. A Google search has all kinds of ideas, from no cost dates to very fancy and expensive.
From experience, I was the one who made all the plans and did not want to bother anyone to watch the children or money was tight or whatever excuse and our marriage was hindered.  The kids left for college and we are left looking at each other like strangers.  The status of, I do not know you anymore and I am too tired to care to know you.  No interest was shown and now no interest to try on either side.
I have heard this over and over of how couples will lose themselves.  The wives with the children and tending to the home, etc., while the husbands are working and involved with sports.  Both are great things and necessary to do but if you forget each other during the process, what good is it.  One night a month, take those kids to a sitter or hire one and go out, if just for dinner. Your marriage relationship is worth it.
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Life is hard and pulls each one many ways but you must, whether you are the wife or the husband, pull yourself back in and grab the other one, keep the relationship real and alive between you both.  It’s not just about sex, it is time together.  Too late for me right now and others in the same boat but maybe not for you and your marriage.
If you have advice or tips on how to make marriages, especially with children better, please comment so others can read and get ideas.
To love and to cherish.
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870 Days

652B2586-29F0-48E6-A4E4-AB1FB25A3117I can honestly tell you, I dislike a part of the code of ethics between a counselor and client relationship.  I totally understand that the counselor’s personal life is private while the client shares their life and deepest, darkest secrets.  That’s fine because that is why you are there in counseling.  

While I do understand the boundaries during the process of counseling, I also understand it after counseling has ended between both but I just don’t like it.  The connection is no more, as if it never existed.

As I started counseling over four years ago, it recently ended due to health issues of my counselor.  Jokingly, although some seriousness in me, I have wondered maybe I caused her to have burnout. Possibly!?

With our time together, I found her to be one I could confide in and be honest with and that is exactly what you want in a counselor, a connection. While she maintained boundaries in her profession, I still considered her closer than my own sisters. I could talk to C16F158F-ACF3-4CF3-B616-32E1C8C0E1E6her in complete confidence, truly feeling she cared for me not only as a client but as a person. To be listened to, heard and understood, brings healing.  I have to say, she was one of the best.  I feel blessed to have had her in my life, when I needed her the most.

The word, had.  I had her in my life. Now I don’t. It’s that code of ethics that comes into play. Again, I really do understand but I really don’t like it. Okay, I am having a temper tantrum, and I’ve had a few.44590330-BB3A-43DD-86EE-727802A14440

At one time, a brief comment was made between us that no friendship relationship while counselor/client. Okay, fine. It was when she made her decision to close her office, it all became real and quite upsetting. Hoping now, at least we can become friends on Facebook to stay connected, was my hope. Nope!

Okay, now with that, a real temper tantrum because not only can we not be friends on Facebook, but no contact for three years. Three years!  As of today, that will be 870 days, but who is counting? Ha 6062824E-20AB-4CA3-93C2-A01347B364F0

Again, I do understand and I respect her in this matter. I just don’t like it. It’s like the song, ‘It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.’ Well, this is my blog and I’ll complain if I want to, while working through it all and having fun, too.  Getting through the grief.  It would not surprise her to know I have a countdown timer on my iPhone.  I also have one of my retirement date, which is definitely more days than I want to be reminded.  It works for me.

In three years, I guess the reasoning is that the facts spoken within her four office walls will be forgotten, she will forget me and I will forget her and life goes on as if we never knew one another.  Can that really be true?

For me, not possible. On my end, she will always be a part of my testimony. While I am adjusting to the abandonment part of this situation, I still have my moments of grief and missing our talks.

So, perhaps this will help somebody know of what to expect when considering counseling.

Even though we both go our separate ways, I feel the Lord led me to her at the right time. He prepared her in this area for me, others clients also, but He knew I would need her many years before I even entered her door.  That’s God!

8E1FED02-9CEB-4A34-A7AE-D82DB646EA89The Lord knows and will put the right people in your path.

I really miss her.  Sometimes I hope she reads my writings, perhaps to know I care and appreciatative but be encouraged, too, because she helped me be who I am today.

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Black & White

C24AF4A8-F0EC-4893-BD4E-E75CAD79656EUntil about four years ago, I did not have a clue about Aspergers.  Since, it has been eye opening and firsthand experience, I have found.

Years upon years of struggling within my marriage, not understanding why we were not on the same wavelength,  plus our conversations were and are always black and white, saying the same thing but different ways.

While other issues came into play, too, just dealing with many times the confusion I felt, shaking my head and just seeing a cycle in routines, brought craziness to my mind, I finally decided to see a counselor.

Walking through her door, convinced I was going crazy in this marriage, she was able to put two and two together quickly, mentioning Aspergers of my husband.  I did not know about Aspergers and what I thought it was, I figured it was a child issue, not a full-grown adult.

Still week after week in our sessions while I poured out years of frustration to her, the same response.  Fine.  I will go research and see just what this Aspergers deal is that she mentions to me.

Oh my gosh!  Besides all the research, I found a book that clearly identifies what I have dealt with for years.  My counselor had him pegged from the beginning.  This was like a lightbulb moment in my life.  Plus, I am not crazy. Now some may question that comment.  lol   I am a neurotypical (NT) wife with an Asperger (AS or ASD) husband.

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Being in such a relationship, the neurotypical spouse may start to feel as also having Aspergers because you are in their world so much in order to relate.  That’s crazy enough, but true.  Still, it is the shaking your head moments to figure out which one you are, at times.  Today was one of them.

I thought it was interesting that soon after we solved the mystery, my counselor had attended  a workshop on Aspergers.  Two couples.  One couple newly married and knowing of Aspergers, which the husband had, they could accept and deal with differences.  Going into the marriage fully aware.  The other couple, married for years and learning of Aspergers, the wife was so done with this marriage and the Aspergers, which her husband had.  This skit she watched and told me about, made her think of me and guess which couple?  It is hard and it is a lonely life together.   Just a side note, women can have Aspergers, too.

While my husband has been a good provider for our family, some are not.  He is a nice man but has his quirks. Don’t we all?  Aspergers or not.  There is good and bad.

While I have a clue now what is happening, I think my understanding has helped but it is still hard and still lonely.  Just knowing for me now, I feel that ‘I get it’ when something odd is done or said and am more understanding of him.

Perhaps you know someone that might seem somewhat odd, is very intelligent and notice a lack of social skills, etc.  Perhaps, this could be what is going on.  My husband knew he was different than others and would often say, he is one french fry short of a Happy Meal but never knew why.  While that phrase is funny, it is really sad because it has affected our relationship.  Now knowing himself of having Aspergers, that is not of interest to him, which is typical, too.  I just shake my head and shrug my shoulders, as I would want to know more.F8942BD6-7791-4DB2-9206-E109DA9DAD15I have recently worked with a guy for years and my co-workers would state that he is odd.  Yes, he is but I understood him and the reason why.  Aspergers.

664f4e88-4904-4617-882f-c6bd7a128a14-15865-000003a53111bd92This book is very interesting and mine is underlined, highlighted and all marked up, just like my Bible.

While my former counselor and I were able to move on to other areas in my life, after determining Aspergers was what I was dealing with, it was a Godsend to have her.  I was blessed to have her in my life, and I know without a doubt that the Lord knew I needed her.8E1FED02-9CEB-4A34-A7AE-D82DB646EA89

Please know that there are many private Facebook groups available if you or somebody may need support in this area.  There are many books available along with Google and YouTube to gain further information.  Research!  I fully support and encourage counseling.  Aspergers is on the spectrum of Autism.

Hope this may help someone. 😊

 

Dumbfounded

F215FCA7-FBA6-4303-A3E8-0555B9025311Once upon a time…

All the good stories begin like this and what little girls (and boys) dream of but life happens and we just live, but not so happily ever after.

How many are just living but not really happy? That could be anyone, young, old, single, married, divorced.

flat editable vector illustrationJust today, I was reminded by the dumbfounded look I received when trying to mention a simple suggestion, not nagging, but found myself wanting to throw up my hands. I have had this look too many times through the years that makes me feel stupid. Either I am not verbalizing correctly or he is not understanding me. I give up, usually walking away with frustration and complaining under my breath.  My voice remains quiet as we exist under one roof, yet again. Not 316D7FC5-956D-4061-B755-963E4B9DC343worth losing my energy for such a draining moment that repeats each time. All I can guess is that this is just his Aspergers way of comprehending.  Lord, give me strength.

I know there are many marriages and relationships that struggle in one way or another. I have heard too much from many to believe otherwise. I am not alone. Even some people/couples that appear happy, write sweet posts on Facebook, sit on a church pew together and seem to have it all together.  Sad but happens.  Life happens.

I do know and have had to dig my heels in to keep going forward when at times I’d rather dig a hole and crawl in it to disappear, but I must keep my focus on the Lord.  He knows my name and He knows where I am.

So if you are reading this and just existing, know that the Lord loves you, He knows your name and He knows where you are. Trust Him in the process.

086A81D4-74F8-4A8D-ADCC-AEB2BD3F162ATaking care of you also is very important. You matter!

True happiness will only come with knowing the Lord and trusting Him. What happens day in and day out, and around you, happens. With all that, we must go to Him. Sometimes, asking Him what to do and for His Favor or if things went south, for His Forgiveness. I have been on both sides of that many times. His Grace and Mercy is forever.

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Within Us

Just yesterday sitting across from my new counselor, feeling at ease and comfortable talking.  The same ordeal exists that I have dealt with for years and I still do not know exactly what to do or go about it.  So, I take day by day that turns into years.  Perhaps the codependency in me, fear and just pure exhaustion from it all.  One of the reasons I attend counseling sessions, to get clarity and strength within me but I am not there yet.  My patience is wearing thin, not with the counselor but with myself.  Sometimes though with the Lord.

7F093816-B1E1-4D2D-8FA3-EF6F1F3F839Ctend to feel as though my wheels are in the mud spinning trying to get out of a hole.  I’m stuck!

As we discussed and tossed out ideas and dreams of my own, still the burden is on me to make decisions, to plan, organize, etc.  It is not as easy as some may think or offer their two cents.  It brings a hopeless feeling.

Many times, my cries to the Lord is that I do not know what to do or to how to go about it, I need help.  Then doubt arises, just as it did yesterday, maybe I am not hearing Him.  Of course, more negative thoughts come, such as it’s me, it’s my fault, I am a mess and so on to the point of my thoughts of I am the crazy one in this relationship.  The muddy hole just got bigger.  While I don’t stay in this despair long nowadays, it exists and makes itself known.  I dig myself out once again, knowing my circumstances.

I realize that counseling is talking through problems, issues in life from childhood to present to help one understand themselves.  If it had not been for the past four years with my former counselor, I do not know where I would be emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.  While I still deal with issues, I am not the same person walking through her door the first time.  Thank God.

Even yesterday with my new counselor, discussing some of the same issues as we become more familiar with one another and areas of life, I believe a new level of faith will arise within me.  The Lord is not going to leave me where I am.  I have to believe that.  If you are going through things, you also must trust Him.

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Yesterday, she said that strength is within me.  While I know that, it is easy to forget.  Knowing what I have gone through, dealt with and changes I have made so far, I do believe her.  With that, I wonder why I need her if that is the case.  It is because I get stuck in the mud at times.  I totally support and encourage counseling.   As I ponder this today, I just wish somebody would give me a step-by-step method and tell me how and what to do.

Just writing that, the thought was, you do have a manual, the Bible.  With that, I know it is written of the timing of God, He will not leave me nor forsake me, He has a plan and a purpose for me and so many more verses.  What hope He brings and peace going through issues in life.   He’s got my back!  He’s got your back!

While I have trusted my former and present counselors, I have a Counselor that knows all about me, knows my name, where I am and where I am going.  I have had to trust Him through this and now, still trust Him.

I believe when I am strong enough, in all areas and not stuck in that mud as I relate to, He will allow everything fall into place.

We must trust Him as we all get stuck in the mud at times.

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